Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

This.

I would be wording my will to make it clear what my reasoning was. Say that You are leaving your money to step siblings because DS gets more from his DF. Get legal advice.

I don’t think that I would raise it with DS just now. It will get raised at some point. You don’t want to cause stress when the kids are young over something that might not happen for 50 years!

I am the biological child in a similar situation. When my DM married DF he had a young son from a previous marriage, he was given full custody in the divorce. I was born 12 years later. DF died years ago and left everything to DM who’s will now states that her house goes to the only grandchild and the cash is split 50/50 between myself and DB. However we’re not talking about life-changing sums. You need to discuss this as a family so there’s no surprises when the time comes.

If you can't touch the £24 million, it's not yours to alter your DH's wishes. It's meant for you and then ultimately his child, your son.

Share your personal assets with all 3, but I think his dad's money should go to him and him alone ultimately. You have millions yourself; frankly, you could leave your son a token amount of your money knowing he has that coming, and the rest to your stepchildren to help them have a decent start in life. Maybe have that discussion with him.

When your dead husband explicitly said he wanted his money to go to HIS child?

Why would you think your step-kids should receive any money? .

To make you feel good? So you could look them in the eye? How about looking your own DC in the eye stealing his inheritance to give to some randoms to the dead DH ?

Do you not realise that YOUR feelings don't matter?

I think your sentiment is kind, OP, and it is lovely that you have built what sounds like a strong family. But honestly, if I die, I would want my husband to give everything I had to our biological child, regardless of his feelings towards any step children he may later have.

Lots of people leave the money to their spouse rather than in trust to their children to ensure their children are properly provided for while the remaining spouse is alive and to avoid inheritance tax so that all of it can benefit the children. It sounds like that is what your husband did. I do not think it is ok to ignore that and give the money intended for your son to some children whom you love but are wholly unconnected to your late husband.

Not the same but I am a widow, with one son from a previous relationship and two step children from my late husband. When my husband died he didn’t leave any assets but when I eventually pass I am likely to have inheritance to leave. I would split that between the 3. Possibly 50 to my son and 25/25 for the SC.
They are your family now and your money is your money.
if your son was more or less raised with his step siblings surely this would feel natural to him? Ask him. I know my son would feel it would be only right.

I'm another one saying that your DH's money should go to his son, in its entirety. Given the amounts involved, I think you should get some decent legal advice and look into putting it in a trust for him; you might want to reserve the interest to yourself, which can go towards bringing him up and supporting your family.

You would also need to consider at what age you think he should take control of his inheritance. With luck, it'll be many decades, and he could well be approaching retirement, by the time he inherits from you!

You can then consider what you want to do with your own money and divide it equally between the three children, as well as making suitable provision for your DH, should you predecease him.

Totally! How can people see it any other way?

"I never thought I will marry again or have another 2 lovely kids who call mom when my late husband told me on his deathbed"

But what does that matter? Your deceased husband trusted you enough to carry out his wishes with his money, regardless of what happened in the future. If he didn't trust you, I am assuming he would have had a formal will. To even contemplate going against a dying man's wishes for his own child, is really cruel.

And do not discuss just yet with your son. He is very young and will feel obligated to say yes to sharing. At least wait until he is 20 or so and understands financial matters better.

£1m is life-changing, £24m is an insane amount of money for one person to inherit. In your shoes I'd also be leaving to step children. Let them all be filthy rich and worry free rather than sow division between them in later life. If your late husband was a kind person, which I'm sure he was, surely he'd understand that life circumstances move on.

I'm also widowed, also a parent and step parent, just without the big inheritance. Mine do have a (much) smaller one but the situation is different, my step son will inherit much much more from his mum's side, he's the only grandchild and they're millionaires.

What would your late husband say if he knew that the kids were growing up so well in a blended family. Surely he'd be glad they're so well provided for and loved by your new DH?

You never know what may happen - your DH's family may not leave anything to your DS so I wouldn't make any assumptions there.

If it were me, I would adopt the kids so they are officially your children. I would split my estate equally, a third each.

I wouldn't discuss this with your DS. That won't end well, it's a big burden for him and this decision is yours. Don't weigh him down with it.

Yes but her husband has not met the step children and would probably like all his money to go to his son. I'd be annoyed from the grave about my half of the house going to someone I have no connection to.

Why is it that you aren't able to access any of the £24M from your husband to resolve the current debt issues?

Does your child know DH wanted him tk be sole beneficiary? I would keep that information to yourself to aid conflict.

I think given the huge sums involved it is reasonable to split his inheritance with his half siblings but I think 25% is too generous. If their father's business hadn't failed what might they have been likely to inherit from him? I think a gift of £3M each is generous and a significant amount which they can use to purchase a home & invest but still preserves the sentiment of your DH passing most of his wealth to his child.

Ywbvu to give away your son’s father’s wealth. By all means give yours to the stepchildren but leave the wealth his father left, go him.

In your case, you were both widowed, so it's not like in some blended families where the mum and dad are moving on to new partners all the time/can't commit. You have said you view the "steps" as your children, which is great, because they are-you're intending to be with them forever. So I think it's right to treat them all the same.

I said before and I reiterate, talking to your son about it is absolutely awful. What is the poor kid meant to say? Stop passing the buck to him. You feel guilty about your step children not having so much, but that is your problem- not his.

Please don’t put your son in that very difficult position. Do what his father wished.

Don’t ask him to show how much he loves the siblings by sharing his inheritance. He’s 16.

You married man who went to have a failed business. By all means work together to clear the debt but don’t betray your son’s father.

the inheritance from your son’s dad should absolutely go to him ! Do whatever you want with yours but from his dad is his .

Having read the update, if your SC inherit 1/3 of your own assets that’s still £1m each

Its more than enough and more than the vast majority ever inherit

You should leave your late DHs alone to go to your son as intended

Is your current DH pushing for this for his children?

Yeah it makes no sense. No one would have that level of wealth and not have it in a trust or something to navigate potential inheritance tax etc so this would already not be available for discussion.

And I cannot see any financial advisor that would say sit on that level of wealth but also have significant debt.

You either have access to that money and therefore its your decision or you dont and then its not even a discussion. How can you not be able to access the funds but able to decide its split. It all makes zero sense.

And no one has £27m without a financial advisor involved and even a half decent one would be baffled at this supposed set up.

But let's not let logic get in the way of some good old MN batshittery

Yeah, the thread is starting to sound a little bit hard to believe…

Your later posts are confusing - not clear what the legal position is.

If the money left by your son's father is in a trust for him/ringfenced/protected then you have no right to do anything with it and if you try to persuade a 17 year old (or even a young adult) to change the terms of his trust in favour of his step siblings - well surely you don't need us to tell you that is wrong. If your son has 24 million set aside legally for him then knock yourself out leaving the rest of your assets split between the three of them.

If the money is all in your name then you can do what you want with it but getting a go ahead from a 17 year old certainly won't make it any less of an injustice if money left by your late husband for the benefit of his son is instead split with 2 young people entirely unknown and unrelated to the man. you know that would be wrong. You feel these children are yours too - so leave them a part of your own assets. you know what is right with your son's money from his father.

Have you used any of your late husband’s money to contribute to the living expenses of your son since he died? If not, I feel it would be fair for you to take a sum equal to roughly half of the money that has been spent raising your son from childhood to adulthood and move that into ‘your money’. Morally I think you have to leave the remainder of your late husband’s money to your son, because that is what he explicitly stated he wanted to happen. Your personal assets (including the money that equates to roughly 50% of your son’s expenses growing up) should then be either left to your husband or split between the 3 children equally.

Can I ask OP are you trying to fake poor English or what is going on here with your writing? Your first post is grammatically written perfectly fine but then some of your later posts almost look like you are trying to fake poor English, so are you two different people writing this or is something else going on?

Also you contradict yourself. In some posts you say you cant touch the money in your Husbands name and in others you are set to change the will and you choose the division, which is it?

This just doesnt make any sense