Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

I don't think the argument a child is going to inherit from others should ever buy into a decision - your stepkids for example were going to inherit for their dad and unfortunately that did not go to plan or you would not be thinking about this now.

Really your only path I think is to talk to your son about it.

Nonsense, the figures involved means @brunetteheadson will never want for anything even if he “only” inherits half - that’s not nothing.

I totally agree with this

This

I think your DHs inheritance goes to your DS and your money is split between all the children. Especially as your husband explicitly said he wants his money to go to his son.

Then respect his wishes.

I think the fair thing to do is to pass the wealth from his dad to your son.
Your wealth can be split between the three children you have raised if you wish.
It really doesn't seem right to take money that his dad would have given to him and give it to other children.

In your shoes I would make sure the assets from your late husband are inherited by his Son.
Your assets are the ones that should be split into 3rds equally between the children. Yes there will be a large wealth disparity between them, but that is unavoidable.
It is not your son’s fault that his step fathers business failed, which is the main reason you feel that your step children should be treated the same inheritance wise.
It’s lovely that you’re all so close however I don’t believe you have any moral right to split your son’s inheritance from his late father.
If you have had to manage the estate that was left so that it has made a profit, then there is an argument that any increase from the original amount could be included into your ‘pot’ to be split, but if for example at the time of your late husbands death his estate was 10 million, your son should absolutely get that amount solely

Share your asset’s and keep your deceased husbands for your son. Just work out how much it all would be a decide accordingly.

I would not ask a child if he wants to share hypothetical future wealth. Terrible idea!

If your husband wanted his money to go to his child, I think you should honour it. You can split your own estate (still significant) in a different manner.

To be true to your late husband's wishes, I would ring-fence the value of his estate at the time of his death - that would be solely left to your son.

Assuming the value of these assets has risen over the last 12 years, and that you have been responsible for the funds, I would split that amount equally over the 3 children.

OP doesn't get to make that decision when it comes to her DS inheritance.

My step-mum hammered to everyone that we were a 'family'. We weren't. She was my Dads wife and her DC were her DC. Not my family.

The adults in 'blended' families make all the decisions and try and force relationships that are often not there.

The test will be if OP leaves the inheritance to her DS as his Father expressly said he wanted to happen and if DS really sees the DC of his Mothers husband as his family, he'll pass on some of the money.

Its not for OP to decide that half of her DS inheritance from his Father who expressly wanted it to go to him, be given to the DC of the man she decided to marry because their Dad fucked up financially and won't leave them anything.

If OPs DS decides to share it, beautiful - what a great example of a 'blended family'. I'm 99% sure he won't want to though.

^ Totally. It is that easy, as Zurigo, says and your DSC should understand that.

But by all means offer them a bequest based on your earnings since your marriage to their dad.

Fully appreciate that as a widow you have experience of the most horrendous tragedy and therefore this is very much on your mind.

But you are in your forties and children are teenagers.

There might not be any inheritance for 50 years until they are in their 60s or 70s.

Maybe instead think about releasing some of the wealth earlier for your son, so he can buy a flat etc.

Then the inheritance between all children

You should absolutely give everything your late husband left to his son! Split the money that came from you between the 3 children

What would you do if you had given birth to the step children? Like what if you had married again and had two more children?

Why didn’t our late husband intense his money so that it went directly to his son if that was what he wanted?

People need to sort their damned wills out properly. Inheritance always causes so many issues and arguments, if people would just take time to be clear about their wishes and do something about it and make it water tight then this wouldn’t happen.

OP if you decide to leave your late husbands wealth to your son, which I am sort of feeling like you should but not 100% sure to be honest, make it very clear to all that this was his money and his choice and not yours.

Why are you not potentially giving any of the kids some money in the near future to do something with? Get on the property ladder etc? There are other ways of distributing this wealth than just after you die. I would take legal advice if I were you to be honest, and see what possible outcomes there are before you go among any decisions.

If you really want your SC to have an inheritance, it would be fairest to share your own earned wealth between all of the children. Anything that you inherited from you late husband was always meant for your son to inherit alone. If he wants to give some to the others, let him decide that for himself after he has inherited. If the inheritance from your family came before you re-married, that should also go to your son as that was presumably the intention.

It does seem a bit mad that this money is just sitting in your name. Won't there be massive inheritance tax to pay or are you planning to pass it to your son at some stage? How much is in the income account vs how much was the original inheritance? I think I would consider the 'income' as potentially being part of your household income while keeping your son's inheritance intact. But I would plan to give it to him earlier/set up a trust rather than wait until you die. It is your money so if you give your son the original assets, could you consider that is what his father requested.

There is no difference between in if i gave birth to my Step kid's or current relationship

I just don't them leave without nothing. Yes my son treats them as his own siblings. There sometimes we thought to adopt each other's kid's

You (probably) didn't know the OP's late husband, how can you possibly know what his thoughts would have been?

I’d say 60% to your son and 20% each to your stepchildren

I think the enormous value of the money/assets here changes things.

I would split it all equally. That gives them £9 million each which is an enormous sum. And by splitting equally you prevent any bad feelings in the future after you’re gone.

However I would caveat this by saying I’d only do this if your DH agrees to share his estate equally between all three DC too. He might not have much but the principles are the same. If he is not willing to share his, then you have your answer.

OP, you are not old. As you are well aware, people can die early but you do need to keep your will under constant review. None of you know how life will pan out what your child’s and step children’s future hold.
My personal view is that your son should get the bulk of his father’s inheritance. When you inherited from your husband it was to do his will (intentions). That is why it is called a will. Your husband wanted his son to eventually inherit. Had he known that you were not going to carry out his will then would he have changed it?