Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

Can you imagine if a man came on here and said he wanted to leave his stepchildren money that his wife worked hard for and intended for her child?

Everyone would be telling him to make his own money to divide if he felt so strongly but his wife's money should got to HER children, as that was SHE wanted (and explicitly stated) and his feelings on the issue do NOT matter.

eta - later replies do make this thread seem like a wind-up.

Indeed.

No. The money from her late husband was intended for their son. Any wealth she accumulated with her new husband would be split between all biological children though if the numbers quoted on this thread are real I'm sure the first son would be happy to relinquish that!

The first husband did not intend for any children she had with another man to benefit from his money.
I am pretty sure the son would have a good legal case against it anyway if anyone tried any funny business.

Edited to add i quoted the wrong bloody post. Very glitchy today!

Put the pot together to have 27m. Then leave 70% to your son and 15% to each step children
That is 19m to your son and 4m to each step child. That seems fair to me and is not that much less for your son than your DH wanted . Plus if the 27m earns more over time it might be close to 24m when he inherits ( inflation and loss of interest earned not withstanding of course)

What about your partner? What would he have ?

In your situation I'd speak to your DS first. But I'd be inclined to leave the £24m to son (from his late father in its entirety) and split your £3m and anything else that you have (eg your half of the family home) into 3 with 1/3 going to each child. Everything your husband has gets split into 2 and goes directly to his DC. Your SC will still receive a vast amount and if your DS would like to give his siblings more then he can choose to do that himself. I'd check your DS is comfortable with that first though.

OP I will advise not to discuss anything with your son and step children yet

I think this post illustrates why most parents are afraid to die - the thought of who will make sure my child's interests are not overlooked or diluted?

It's entirely up to you. I would make the change but not tell anyone. I wouldn't want your new partner thinking he has any claim or actually any opinion or say in the matter. This will allow you to change your mind if you choose to do so without hurting anyone. Personally if you feel like they're your kids too I would probably split it all between the kids equally but only you will know what feels right for you.

By asking a 17 year old this question you’re putting him in a difficult position. His father’s wishes is what you need to action no point asking him. You can suggest he can share it with his siblings and that is your wish. Let him decide when he is an adult. Thinking about your DH and DSC why would they want the assets of a man they never met despite the man’s wishes for his son to inherit it.

This is really not about you, it’s not your money to give away, a dying man trusted you with his legacy for his son. Your guilt is for you to manage with what you have, maybe give it all to your DSC and tell your son why you did that.

Glitch.....So many glitches, It's really getting hard type anything

If i type something it's automatically half it deleted or moved somewhere in middle

Don’t give away your son’s inheritance - that’s awful.

you protect your sons money that came from his dad and grandparents and you do what you want with your money, that you earned, that you inherited.

please tell me you have protected your sons money in the event that you die first! Could he be left with nothing. While his step siblings inherit all his dad and paternal grandparents money?

I think the large sums are highly relevant.

The 24M from your late husband can't be touched so that goes directly to your son anyway, right?

The 3M is yours to do as you see fit so split it between the 3 kids. 1.5M to son and 750k each to step kids. Your son will have so much from the 24m he can hardly say he's going without and 750k for step kids is life changing for them considering they wouldn't have got it otherwise.

Or because 24M is so much you could split your money 1M each.

My answer would be different if the sums were much more modest and splitting would deprive your son of the ability to buy a house etc.

If this is the case you need to respect his wishes. His estate, passes solely to your son.
your estate, divide how you please, 50/25/25 or even 33/33/34 if you like

if it was your money only I would say do what you went, but the money from your late husband should go to HIS son.

I think you are pushing a huge responsibility onto a 16 year old - essentially making him give an answer about giving his siblings 12mm pounds. And if he says no? Will that not poison the relationship between y the 3 . Please, your late husband trusted you to carry out his wishes which were explicit.
i wouldn’t want this to happen to my child and I hope you don’t do this to yours

I don’t think you do need to respect his wishes and the 50/25/25 idea sounds like a really nice compromise.

He could not have envisioned your current position and maybe he would be in total agreement with you were he able to say.

Had he really wanted this money to only go to his son, he could have put it in trust for him.

What exactly did you husband leave to you that wasn't matrimonial property?

You have every right to assume that part of what he left was for your provision and well being and at your disposal , and part of what deceased husband left was to go down his bloodline. But I dont think everything going to his son is actually fair, to you and your new life, if that means you inherited nothing from your late husband for yourself, and are expected to keep your finances entirely separate.

If your second husband does predecease you and he makes same stipulation about his son's, then either have provided for you.

Even if you do have your own wealth, I don't think it's unreasonable for some direct provision to have been for you, and at your discretion/ disposal . I think you birth son deserves a decent amount from his father's wealth but I'd be interested to know if your second husband is treating your son and stepsons in a similar vein, or is he bypassing your son because you are making this extra provision for him.

It's tough trying g to be fair to everyone in extended families
Use your discretion wisely.

I would give everything you received from your late husband and his family to your son, and the rest of the assets split 3 ways.

You've got three children. Two of them came along after your first son.

In my eyes, this is no different to if you had had another two children biologically after your son.

When you had only one child, then everything would have gone to him. But now you have three children so obviously it is split three ways.

It makes no difference that they are not biological children, they are still your children in every way that matters.

Slightly different but we ‘took on’ a non-biological child many years ago when my children were very young. My adult children have been very vocal that they should be treated equally in our will. They were clear that leaving only to the biological children would create division in a relationship they see as enduring.

I think if your late husband left it all to you then he trusted your judgement and was pragmatic enough to realise that circumstances change.

for all intents and purposes these are all your children and it sounds like they’ve been a blessing If you are lucky you’ll live to see grandchildren too.
FWIW, my DP has no children, I have one and he very much regards DP as his step father as DP has been a stable presence for many years.

He does have a relationship with his bio dad but day to day guidance is DP. Bio dad is more of a mate iyswim.

DP & I have mirror wills so what happens if one goes first is really up to the other, but should we both go together it’s split between my son, DP nephew, my nephew and DP stepsister, because they would all benefit from a hand up.

But circumstances change so we keep it under review.

I think go with your gut and also think about what your late husband would have felt. Also agree talk to grandparents if that’s possible, but ultimately it’s really up to you. If the kids have all grown up together since they were toddlers they won’t see each other as anything less than siblings, which of course they are. Because real family isn’t about blood. It’s about choices and relationships.

My MIL remarried a widower after being widowed, 3 kids were adults and one she raised from early childhood. When they married she ringfenced her money as she bought far more to the table and the adult children were slightly concerned about motives of new husband (baseless, but takes time to know this kind of thing).

its going to be interesting when the husband dies because his son thinks he is rich and has very much based his future plans on a large inheritance. He isn’t a very nice person and I suspect only sticks around because he thinks there’s a pot of gold somewhere.
I will be watching with popcorn when that day arrives!

Why would you speak to your son? That’s putting him in a horrible position.

Just do what XH asked you to do. Leave the money to DS. Then, if and when he inherits, he gets to decide then what he wants to do with his money. If he chooses to give some to his step siblings, that’s fine.

This and have several friends who have done just this.

I'd think it was very cruel to leave out the stepchildren who call you mum and you have raised since they were toddlers. Including them in your inheritance seems the right thing to do.

I'm probably in the minority but from what I can see, the money was left to you. It's then money that's coming from you not your husband so if you want to share it out you should. If you feel uncomfortable with this then maybe leave them a smaller share but still enough that shows that you loved them.