Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

Your husband's money must go to his son. No ifs, no buts.

In your circumstances I would leave my own money divided equally between all three children.

If, on your death, your son wishes to share his inheritance with his step-siblings, THEN, he can do a deed of variation and make it so.

But, that is hopefully a long way away and life can change between then and now. For starters, your husband may start another business that becomes a roaring success, and your fretting over the current position will prove redundant.

I wouldn't talk to your son about all this. He's only 16, it's quite the burden you'd be putting on his young shoulders. None of the children will be thinking about something as far away as inheritance, so why put it into their heads now?

Just - his dad's money goes to your son, you can do elsewise with your money. And you don't need to be putting ideas into the children's heads at all.

Your late husband left that money to you. I’d be aghast if anyone complained about inheriting that amount of money because they wanted X million more. You’re a family.

I think with the sums you are talking about then splitting it is fine.

your DS isn’t going to lose out on being able to purchase a decent property or car etc by his cut being 50%. I mean his 50% is £13.5M. He’ll be fine!

But equally you could leave £3M to each step child and the rest to DS and he still be fine and them very comfortable.

I also assume DS will inherit from his grandparents at some point too?

He will, indeed, feel betrayed and less loved if you do this. And with you gone, he will have to carry that anger and grief forever. The money is rightfully his. Do not strip him of his inheritance to appease guilty feelings about somebody else's children.

If you really feel the need, leave them 10% each. That's generous and fair.

Alternatively because currently the money is yours you can gift each child money for a house and car etc so it’s not there to be left in a will?

You don't know how circumstamces will pan out OP. Dsc may inherit from non obvious sources - poor relatives may become wealthy, for eg. Or, they might make their own wealth, whilst DS could struggle.

@brunettehead

I'm afraid I'd have to honour my late husband's wishes. Even though he left all the money to you instead of 'in trust' he did so in the belief that you would carry out his wishes.

But any money that you have accrued on your own, I'd split that between your two stepchildren. I don't think your son will mind, especially if you explain why you're doing it, or leave a letter behind saying that you wanted to provide for them the way his dad had already provided for him.

Your son is a bit young to discuss it now, but if he's close to his step siblings there may come a time, when he's a bit older, to discuss his inheritance with him and since it's such a vast amount, see how he feels about some of it being left to his step siblings in your will. His father wanted him to have the money, presumably to do as he chooses with it. So if he chooses to divert some of it to his step siblings via your will that's not breaking 'trust' with his dad.

Chiming in with the 'fair and reasonable' posts. Others have said what I wanted to - your previous husband left it to you, not DS, and trusted you to do what's right. I agree that what is right is to share between all of your children.

I think as clearly stated by your late husband.the money should pass to his Son .You have 3 m to share out as well.Maybe use that instead .for DSC 1,5 m each is a considerable amount .

My partner's father is doing this. He's taking away the majority of his inheritance (for when he passes) from my partner and partner's 2 siblings - and giving most of it to his second wife's adult children (because they have kids, so they want the kids to benefit, but at the cost of his 3 bio children)

The thing is, his second wife's adult children have so much money already from their own father and grandparents, and really don't need any extra money from their stepfather. My partner and his siblings, on the other hand, could use the money!

There is a lot of simmering resentment and I dread the day he dies, yes because we will all miss him, but because everyone is going to fall out and that's the last thing we need.

I assume that your late husband envisaged this exact scenario happening after his death (i.e. you re-marrying and having other children) which is why he made a death-bed declaration about where his assets should go. Did he do anything legally to ensure that outcome?

There are such huge amounts of money involved that it is difficult for the people commenting on your thread to put themselves in your shoes. I can also see why people think that splitting your late husband's money between your son and your step-children would be a reasonable thing to do because your son would still receive £12 million, which is an unimaginable amount of money for most of us.

However, if you decided to keep your late husband's legacy intact for your own son and just split your assets between all the children, your step-children would inherit £1 million each.That's a drop in the ocean compared to your son's inheritance but an absolutely huge and life-changing amount of money for most of us.

It is not easy and in my opinion the amount of money involved makes it harder.

I would in almost all circumstances have a three way split as to all intents and purposes you have three children. If that is what you decide, you should be talking with your DS about it I think.

I think it's fair and it makes very good sense but you need to discuss it with your children first. Absolutely do not leave them to find out once you're dead.

Your son inherits everything his father left and everything that you and your H have at the end get split fairly between them.

Everything you inherited from your late husband - your son's father - should be passed onto your son,.

You can make separate provision for your step children from your own wealth.

Your late husband’s wealth should go to his son.

Out of interest why do you think it’s fair?

this man passed away and asked that his and his parents wealth be passed on to his only son. OP wants to give him only a third of his dad’s wealth and give the remainder to two people who this man is not related to and never met.

I think the fact that you have kept your late husband's money separate makes it much more difficult to do what you are planning without causing upset. It's hard to see how you can justify giving that away to anyone except your shared son. I'd rethink how you handle your money altogether.

Your late husband wealth should go to his son as he wished. No way would I betray a deathbed promise made to your dying husband and your son. No way.

The 3 million I would split equally between the three kids so you show them that YOU love them equally.

If your two step children feel hard done by because of 'only' inheriting one million each and aren't entitled to their step-brothers late father's inheritance maybe you have not raised them with the right values.

You sound like such a thoughtful mum. The way you talk about your stepchildren and your son is just lovely. I'm glad you and your DH found each other and you've been able to build a strong family for all three kids. You have a choice in your will whether you want to act to keep that family together or split it up. Only you, knowing the people involved, can say whether treating all the kids equally, or respecting your previous DH's wishes, is going to be more helpful in holding the three young people together once you are gone. I think in your shoes, I'd want to wait a few more years until your son is an adult to have that conversation. I think it is essential (as you recognise) to discuss it with him so that the will is as he expects when he is dealing with your loss. I hope, given the way that you describe your son and your family, that he will tell you that a third of the money is more than enough for him to live an amazing life, and he doesn't want his siblings left out. Of course if that is the case, your DH's will (despite it being a much smaller estate) should also treat the three as equals.

Same.
fwiw, I have two step brothers (sort of - I was an adult when our parents met so we didn’t grow up together but we are close)
my mum sometimes helps them out financially eg she gave them some money when they bought a house.
i think that’s great - if she left them some money in her will that would be absolutely fine, as long as she leaves me more haha

The simplest way would be all of your late husband’s assets go directly to your son. The remainder of your estate I.e your assets you split equally between the 3 of them. I agree with others that your late husband’s assets should go to your son and not your step children. As you say you are in your forties so there is a lot of water to go under the bridge and you don’t know what the future holds and what your needs will be. As a first step speak to your DH about what you are considering. When drawing up your will remember a mirror will won’t protect the assets for your son in the event you pass first. Your will needs to be very specific about Ringfencing your late husbands assets for your son.

I honestly feel that going against your late husbands deathbed wishes regarding his money is theft. Theft from your son and him.

No problem about you giving stepchildren any inheritance from your own money, but your late husband was very clear.

If i were your late husband i would be happy that you have gone on to make a happy life with a loving family that you love and who love you back.
Write a letter expressing the love you feel for your son and also what your step children mean to you too to be opened when you die.
Perhaps give the lions share to your son explaining why but generous amounts to your step children is a lovely thing to do.

i would give 100% of what you got from the estate of DS father to DS and then split your own money as you have described! To me DS should inherit all that his father left!