Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

It isn't really about the watch-buying experience. Yes, he would have enjoyed it, but that should be a secondary consideration to his wife's feelings. His wife has been reduced to crying in her room over this! Any decent husband, or wife, would put that entirely aside and be grateful for the gift.

And if he really wants the 'watch buying experience' he can go into a watch dealer flashing the one his wife has bought him and tell them he's 'thinking of upgrading it'. They'll be all over him like a rash.

I don't think you've messed up. Your presents were vey thoughtful. He's maybe got different views of present giving?

But you've not messed up. There's so much love & cre in what you've done. You saved up for three years!!

What has he done for your birthdays? Maybe you just have different prsent-giving styles. But he's been rather rude & ungrateful in his response to you.

His reaction is less about the gifts and more about what's going on in your marriage.

I think he might be equally unhappy if you didn't surprise him with the gifts.

I get that, half the fun is the experience of choosing and buying an item and the whole in store experience. I had nothing for my big birthday but the next day we flew out of LHR and I had the whole shopping experience of buying a Dior handbag paid for by my partner

I can see both sides. I'm sure he knows that you meant well, but is just disappointed.
This watch may be the only opportunity that your husband will have to experience the buying process. Actually trying on the watches allows the opportunity to feel the weight etc. The one you purchased is probably the main advertised version, but he could have seen/ tried the choices available. Assuming that you are not wealthy enough to buy easily, this experience he will never get again. In hindsight, booking an appointment and surprising him with that (with budget) would have been better. A bit like giving someone the tshirt from a concert - for those very much into watches.

Agree
the watch is perfect he just didn't shop for it

the holiday location where he wanted

does he know how upset you are? - id cancel and get refund and rethink is he having an affair ?
is he normally this ungrateful and cruel ?

I understand the Dh's feelings on this. When we planned a very special holiday Dh and I had a lot of discussions about where to stay, what hotel, what we would be planning to do whilst we were there. If he presented that to me as a done deal with everything decided I would have been disappointed. Yes it would be what I want but I enjoyed the planning of it, talking about it, sharing the decisions. That is what he is miffed about and I actually think the ability to be honest about your feelings is good.

But Dh knows me well enough to know I hate surprises, even small ones. I enjoy planning and researching. I think OP's intentions were good but not what he wanted.

Of course you haven’t done anything wrong. If you had planned it with him/ gone to the shop with him he’d probably have complained there was no surprise it’s not just ungrateful and spoilt to react like this it’s the height of bad manners. Ask yourself how you’d have reacted if he’d done something similar for you. Pleased for the amount of thought I expect. That’s the important thing to me. Does he make an effort for you and does the whole house revolve round him and his wishes? Don’t hide and cry. Get cross with him and his attitude

Had it "dumped" on him? Jesus, If you think being given a swanky watch and an expensive holiday to Dubai (both of which you really wanted) is worthy of sulking your little head off and making your husband cry, then you must live in a very different world to me and a lot of other posters on this thread. Trust me, true unhappiness is when you've got nobody that gives a flying fuck about you.

can I just ask then if you were surprised with a holiday would you refuse to go?

I'd be horrified if my dh had used 3 years of family money to go to Dubai and buy a watch. I'd feel sick and as if our future security was taken away.

People insisting he really really did genuinely want what he got- why is he unhappy then? Is he pretending to be unhappy just to upset OP?

Honestly OP of course he realises. I'm really sorry but he's intentionally gaslighting you. You didn't mess up.
Are there other instances in the relationship where he tries to make you feel like you're getting it wrong / you don't deserve him? He's trying to keep.you on your.toes.

I don't agree with PP about the watch, he said he loved this exact watch and you got it to him, period.
The trip though, I'm on his side. It's one thing to have something on your bucket list AND have your spouse on board with it and willing to go there as wel, but it's entirel different to be excluded from all the planning and just have the trip handed to you without getting, in fact, any say in the whole thing. You meant well without a doubt and I'm sure you've planned it all brilliantly but not everyone loves surprises like that. I think he'll appreciate the effort once he calms down, but some people are just very bad with suprises.

@Divebar2021 I wouldn't refuse to go. There can obviously be massive talks about what was booked, why he chose that etc so it would partly feel like planning but I would still go. I am a silver lining person, I would see the good in Dh knowing what I want, that he listens to me and has very good intentions.

It would be two pronged for me, explain that I would love to have planned it but then talked about it, looked stuff up together about the holiday. I wouldn't have been a complete arse about it.

Totally agree. What a selfish man child he is being.

But that's an entirely different situation - OP has said nothing to indicate that, as a couple, they can't afford the watch or the holiday. The husband was planning to get the watch and go on the holiday anyway.

Some if the responses on this thread are absolutely crazy. I know Mumsnet in general hates adult birthdays and presents but seriously, come on! The OP has spent years saving for what she knows are ideal gifts for her DH. An expensive watch that she knows he has wanted for a long time and a holiday to somewhere that has always been on his bucket list. 99% of people given those presents for their 50th birthday would be over the moon and rightly so. The other 1% are like the OPs husband. Miserable, controlling, abusive cunts that like to cause a person they supposedly love upset and harm and have them second guessing themselves over something that was incredibly thoughtful and loving. The sort of twat that likes to ruin big occasions and sulks for days for attention. There is literally no excuse for the DH to have been so incredibly ungrateful and upset the OP. He has ended up with a watch and holiday hes going to love and all these excuses of him probably wanting to have been involved in the excitement of the buying are just pathetic bullshit.

Essentially because your husband didn't receive the watch or holiday to Dubai, in the exact manner he planned in his head, he's decided to punish you by behaving like a petulant, spoilt child instead. Never mind the planning/money/thought and love that went into it. Nope, none of that matters, only the fact he didn't buy the watch himself or plan the holiday.

You now know what to do for your husband's 60th OP. Bugger all. Tell him that you won't be planning a single thing, if he wants something he can plan and buy it himself.

If my husband had behaved in the same way, I'd be livid. Perhaps the experience wasn't what he planned in his mind, but the fact his wife cared enough to save, plan and do/buy something he wanted, should have overridden any disappointment he felt.

also team dh - the joy is as much in the choosing and planning as the doing

Unfortunately some men don’t react well to surprises. He is being ungrateful and it’s not like this is the only time he can ever visit Dubai and do all the things on his bucket list?

What a turd.

The husband that didn’t get to choose his own gifts / holiday is controlling?

Righto

What? You understand how gift giving works for birthdays, right? 🤣

I've commented already but I'm stunned by some of the Team DH responses. There are so many threads on here from women whose partners get them fuck all for their birthday and they get told oh men are crap, but don't sulk, you're not a princess, birthdays are only for children, just treat yourself to a spa day instead blah blah.

But here there's a load of people sticking up for a rude ungrateful tosser whose wife saved for three years to get him a very expensive gift and treat he actually wanted and he's annoyed with her and "doesn't want to go" because it turns out the most important bit was getting to strut around like Flash Harry spending someone else's cash! What a shallow, tone deaf, grade A cunt!

If OP hadn't saved for 3 years, he would not have those things at all. I mean has HE saved for 3 years to take himself to Dubai and get the watch he wanted? No. He'd be getting a pair of socks and a bottle of beer and would have no watch and no trip to Dubai.

Yes he might have ideally wanted the EXTRA bit of choosing and planning, which OP didn't know, but for fucks sake, he's getting it on someone else's dime so he should not look a gift horse in the mouth and just say thank you so much.

I can totally see why OP bought/arranged it all as a surprise. To explain it from the other side if my husband said on my birthday "oh I've saved some money so I could get you x and we could go to y but I haven't bought or booked anything" I would think, so it's my birthday and I have nothing to open and he hasnt actually given me anything except a half hearted promise to do something in the future which might never happen, how thoughtless and disappointing.

OP of course he's going to go to Dubai and of course he's going to wear (and love) the watch. He just wanted to tell you off for not doing it exactly right. But don't bother making any effort for him ever again.

OP has got up and gone to work every day and saved for three years for these gifts and this prick has had a go?
Manchild. Angry that he didn’t experience the buying of the watch? He’s a two bob snob. He will be angry he will have to tell people his wife got it for him.
A holiday to somewhere he wanted to go? Again, how selfish. It’s not like OP has booked a backpacking trip to Outer Mongolia. She’s listened to his bucket list, and picked something off it.
I would cancel the holiday and take the watch back.
He’s not 17 either overreacting, he’s a grown arse man who has made his other half cry.
I could not stay with this man.

His lack of gratitude and appreciation is astounding. You did a lovely thing, made sacrifices so he could have something he wanted. He has behaved like an absolute arse and he should be mortified.

What I would he reflecting on is whether this is typical behaviour or completely out of character? That would affect my reaction.