Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

My late partner hated birthdays and was extremely present resistant but he accepted gifts with good grace and was always thankful. Your husband should have accepted his gifts graciously and not behaved, frankly, like a child. Next time buy him a pot plant.

If it was reversed, there would be a lot of “he’s so wonderful-men are generally so bad at remembering birthdays/planning/I am so grateful for the bunch of service station flowers I get 3 days late……”

My OH would cry happy tears if I did this for him (and he bloody deserves it). Yours is an ungrateful, pathetic manchild. Refund everything and do something you want to do instead and he might show a bit of gratitude next time (wouldn’t be a next time if it was me)

Why do you think you have messed up Op?

What an awful response from him. He wanted the exact watch you bought, but needed to pick it out in the shop himself? He wants to go to Dubai but can't bear that you have booked a holiday there for him? No, you have done nothing wrong, don't blame yourself for anything.

He's got a problem and it isn't with your surprises. He's taking something out on you and I would want him to face up to that and explain himself. Can't face being 50? (It got to me too). Isn't happy in the marriage anymore? Dissatisfied with his career progression? There must be something and he needs to pull himself together and be honest with you.

The difference between your experience and the OPs:

She bought him the EXACT watch he wanted. Your DH did not.

She booked his bucket list trip to where he wanted to go. Your DH got you a tablet which is comparable to you wanting to go to Sweden and he booked Center Parcs.

Kindly, I am also erring towards teamDH.

What you have done is such a lovely thing, and shows how much you value and love him. Hopefully he is grateful for the effort and acknowledges that you were doing a VERY nice thing for him?

However, with big special things like watches and holidays, a huge part of the joy and pleasure is choosing them yourself. If you think about all the dozens of micro decisions you make when choosing something for yourself (particularly special/expensive items) - that is a key part of choosing something you love. Your brain goes through the process of all the options you have, and you finally land on the thing and are inordinately happy with it, because of all those permutations you have considered to get to that point.

Imagine if he chose your clothes/jewellery for a wedding/special occasion/holiday for example? It is a nice thought, and very generous, made with good intentions - but you’d likely be far happier to mooch round the shops yourself, have a look at a million different options, do some research online, ask a friend or two, order stuff and return it……it’s a bit like that I think.

But ultimately what you did was a lovely, lovely thing. Don’t forget that.

He does need to be appreciative of the effort and expense though - that is a huge thing.

A grown up chat is needed - he needs to thank you and be truly grateful for the effort, time and money you have put into this. You have saved for him for 3 YEARS. You are marvellous and kind and that needs to be openly, verbally acknowledged.

Then you can see what you can fix. Can you return the watch? Then maybe take a day together to go for lunch, and a look round the shops together for him to try some on and choose himself?

With Dubai, can he choose some activities/restaurants stuff to do while you are there, so it feels like he has some input?

What a spoilt, ungrateful, ignorant, petulant excuse of a man. This would be the last time I ever did anything thoughtful for him. Take his watch back and go to Dubai with a friend. His ungracious reaction must have hurt you. No apology forthcoming from him I expect?

YOU aren't the one who has 'messed things up' your ungrateful, mean spirited narcissistic DP is the one at fault here!! 🙄
I personally am having trouble believing how some people can be so spoilt, selfish and entitled and not care how much it hurts the person who loves them enough to have spent an enormous amount of time, effort and money entirely for their pleasure and enjoyment! 😡

But what I don't understand, OP, and what you haven't mentioned, is how your DH normally reacts to "surprise" situations? Did you have any doubts that this may not be a good idea?

A few years back my husband booked me a Christmas present gift of a trip to Italy in the early summer. I had always been fascinated by Pompeii and never visited. It was on my bucket list. I loved all the ancient history and had so many places I wanted to visit.
He had booked the hotel and flights and said we were staying in a posh hotel in Sorrento and would go to Pompeii and ‘do all the things’ I wanted to do. I was happy as I never could justify the cost going somewhere that I knew he wasn’t that interested in.
A couple of days before we left I checked the hotel reservation and queried what he had booked. And how ‘posh’ was this hotel? He said it was £400 a night for 4 nights (so £1600, so yes posh and way way more than I would EVER spend). I said, er no…. This is £1600 a night for 4 nights, so £6,400!!!! He nearly had a coronary!!! Luckily the hotel was very understanding when he rang and asked if he could cancel and the reason why.
We booked a lovely hotel, which was still posh (to us anyway) with a view for £300 a night so expensive but it was a treat.
Because the holiday surprise was slightly amended and every day I could choose where we went, we were both happy and enjoyed it. He made the effort to take an interest and did everything I wanted (which doesn’t happen often).
Anyway, I would ask your husband about what you could do to amend the booking (within the T&Cs) to make him feel more involved. Can he still choose the day to day activities, restaurants etc? Can you change the hotel?
The watch I am sure you can take back and get a credit and then go together to ‘buy’ the watch?
I agree with others that he is being very ungrateful, spiteful and mean in his reaction but the reality is what it is. Maybe getting him more involved from this point and getting him to change things could be a compromise he would be happy with?
Either way, it is booked and you both should go. I think he probably just needs a bit of time to get his head round it and realise what a lovely thing you have done for him.

That’s just cruel OP. I’d have been happy with a chocolate bar if my ex had got me one- your husband doesn’t know what a gem he’s got in you and should be appreciative that you’ve gone to all this effort to make his birthday special for him. I’d wipe away those tears and go on holiday with another person if he plays up anymore- don’t beg him.

Return the watch and cancel the holiday ( if you can get a refund) and spend the money you saved for three years on yourself. Match his energy and don't bother in future.

But you aren't the husband, why should he want the same watch buying experience as you?

I'm not a watch person at all but I have a friend who is and who loves the whole going to the shop part of it. Id be a bit of an arse if I told him he shouldnt want to do that because I have no interest. Are you unable to empathise?

It's a difficult situation, I hope he sees why you're so upset OP and it ends well

I don’t agree with all the comments saying he’s rude and nasty and spoilt. Yes, he could have handled it better but I do see where he’s coming from - especially about the holiday.

My bucket list holiday is Japan. I’ve always dreamed of visiting and if someone took it upon themselves to decide where we went, when we went there and how we got there, I’d be pretty miffed. I want to make those decisions and do that planning because it’s part of the whole experience AND there are certain things you can only do at certain times of the year which I’d want to make sure I got to experience.

Please don't pussyfoot around him and try and appease him
You will only compound his childish behaviour.

In which case, how on earth is OP expected to buy him presents even if what she has bought are both things that he has previously told her that he wants?

He is horribly ungrateful and, if I were OP, I'd give him the receipt to get his money back on the watch and go to Dubai without him.

I'm so upset for you! You have been so kind and thoughtful. Even if that was how he felt, at 50 years old he should have had the grace to appreciate the effort you've gone to, just for him!
Personally I'd tell him straight how upset you are and you're taking the watch back. I agree with others, take a friend on the holiday and lane him at home.

I am aghast at such rude and childish behaviour. I have not read anything so entitled in a long time.
@MrsM101 I bet if you started thinking about it there would be lots of other instances where he spoiled things for you. This red flag is waving very hard because he is so selfish. He destroyed any joy you had in this.

Even if he didn't get his "experience", when these lovely gifts were offered to him he should have been mature and gracious enough to hide any disappointment and count his blessings. How he could he hurt a wife who was so thoughtful and kind.

Christ on a bike, what an ungrateful petulant cunt. I'd shove the watch up his spoilt arse and take myself on holiday. The OP bought him two very expensive things and there was absolutely no doubt that he wanted both of them. She did it only out of love. But no, that wasn't good enough for the man child and now he's extracting "revenge" by being fucking nasty. Sorry, but I don't live in that sort of world where people repay kindness with shit. Forget Dubai and pricey watches, he's just a lucky lucky man to have someone who cares that much about him.

Your husband is a big baby. Is he feeling weird about turning 50 maybe? Anyway, it’s a very generous and thoughtful gift and I suspect he’ll soon look back on his reaction with great embarrassment.

Please don't think you've messed this up. He's the one who should be embarrassed at his reaction to your thoughtfulness and generosity. I'm so sorry you've received such an unwarranted slap in the face and hope you realise you did absolutely nothing wrong and you're able to move past this with your head held high.

Surely if he was being given the things that he wanted he would be happy about it?

Unless he's generally unreasonable or moody etc, the fact he doesn't like what he's been given does strongly indicate that they weren't what he wanted after all.

So it sounds like the gifts, as they are (booked and paid for) aren't actually what he wanted.

Whether he's to blame for at some point telling you that they would be, or op made a mistake in interpretation, is the real question here.

Not whether the gifts were what he wanted - clearly they aren't.

Sorry he is an ungrateful bastard !!!
You surprised him that's the whole point !
You saved for a WATCH and HOLIDAY he specifically wanted an he moaning that's sounds ungrateful and fucking immature!
Id take back the watch try and go on the holiday by myself then divorce him that be a surprise for him wouldn't it !
He does not deserve u !!!
If I done this for my DH he would cry Because he would be so surprised !!