Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

He’s behaving like he’s 8. You’ve clearly made a huge effort that he’s choosing not to see. I have a feeling whatever you had done it would not be enough. And I also wonder if there is a pattern to this and that you’ve often been told you have fallen short.

This!

Exactly! My wife booked me a trip to Rome for my 30th, and she’d planned the hotel and flights but I was involved in planning every second of every day we were there. I can’t believe so many people here think her DHs behaviour is reasonable at all.

I’m sure the hotel in Dubai is part of the experience more than Rome but even if I was a little bit sad that I’d not got to pick the hotel I’m sure I’d be comforted by the fact I got to do an amazing expensive holiday I’d always wanted. (Not that I’d ever go to Dubai)

Even if you’re a bitch baby and ungrateful it’s a non refundable gift, so give your head a wobble and smile and get on board with it.

Your dh has been an ungrateful dick. Sinfe when was picking the item up from the shop part of the present. Is it some sort of pretentious designer brand and he wanted a photo shoot in the shop? I'd find his behaviour very offputting.

And would you demonstrate that disappointment to your husband as the OP’s husband has done? As I said above, even my 7 year old knows it’s rude to demonstrate disappointment at a gift.

It isn't about whether this is a man or a woman. It is different people liking different aspects of experiences.

He has had the dreams of these events/purchases for years (at least 3) and probably has a very specific mental picture of how it would be. He has then had that removed from him. Not everyone likes to be surprised. I don't.

Think of it as like wedding planning. Very few people would be happy to be told it had all been planned for them and they were getting no input, just turn up on the day. All the anticipation and build up to meet your perfect mental image, gone.

Big purchases, I enjoy saving for them myself, knowing that I earned it for myself. I don't want someone swooping in and buying it for me.

I'd love someone else to plan a weekend in Rome for me too, and if it missed some things I'd have included I can always go back another time.

Planning the trip of a lifetime, a one off opportunity, that I've been planning in my head for years, is not the same thing at all.

For context, what big effort has he gone to or surprises has he got you in the past?

I think my vagina would permanently clamp shut, for a man who sulked because he got a really nice expensive watch and holiday he wanted, but he wanted the "store experience".

Pathetic. I would be amazed if it's the first time he has behaved like this, OP. Do you find yourself trying to placate and please him a lot? Are you a little scared of his reactions to things.

The way he is treating you is disgusting. I would return the watch if you can, and cancel the holiday. Don't give him the money though. Keep it, you might need it one day......

I am definitely unable to emphasise. This man-child has upset his wife over gifts she bought him and is now sulking. Awful petulant behaviour and I’d lose a lot, if not all, respect for him.
But then my own ego is not so tissue paper thin that I need a shop assistant fawning over me and would rather hurt the feelings of a loved one.

I completely understand his point on the watch. For someone who into watches, the store experience is a big part of the actual purchase itself. Like selecting jewellery for women and deciding which one to purchase.

Do you both do surprises otherwise? I definitely don’t like it for myself and would not do it for my DH, who had done it for me and while internally not loved it, even when I was 40 didn’t behave like your DH.

But he is being an arse. Pick yourself up and tell him that you wish he (at f*-in 50 would be mature enough) would acknowledge that you have put all your efforts into selecting his 50th gifts of a bucket list destination and exact watch. Tell him that you didn’t realise he didn’t want a surprise. Don’t apologise unless he’s specifically told you or your general status is no surprises. Ask that he seriously thinks about the Dubai trip and if he doesn’t go just go yourself.

It’s not you, it’s him. Some people struggle to receive, others are unable to have anybody else make choices on their behalf - it sounds like he has a control issue. You did a lovely thing to celebrate his birthday and you shouldn’t be made to feel dreadful for his shortcomings.

Kindly, I am also erring towards teamDH.

What you have done is such a lovely thing, and shows how much you value and love him. Hopefully he is grateful for the effort and acknowledges that you were doing a VERY nice thing for him?

The whole point of this thread is that no, he’s not grateful for the effort and he hasn’t acknowledged that she’s done a nice thing for him.

Being a bit disappointed that you haven’t had the watch shop experience and would have liked to choose the hotel you will stay in is perhaps understandable. Not appreciating the time, effort and money that his wife has put into this is inexcusable in my opinion. And that eclipses any disappointment he may feel by a long way. He’s a grown man for goodness sake and someone has just gifted him an expensive watch and a holiday……I would have hoped he’d manage to drag up some gratitude from somewhere.

Toblerone 🤔 Dubai 🤔 yes I can totally see how they’re the same.

I probably would be grateful in the long run, but honestly I’d have to get over the disappointment that you’ve taken two experiences that I wanted to do away from me.

She hasn't "taken anything away". It's not like HE saved for 3 years to go to Dubai and she snatched his money and booked it without telling him. If she hadn't spent 3 years saving he wouldn't be getting the trip at all. Oh well she can cancel it and Princess Petulant can spend the next 3 years saving up and buying his own treat if that's really the important bit.

Return the watch, go on holiday without him, and leave him £20 in a card as a replacement present.

I get that he's disappointed that he didn't get the "in-store experience". That's valid.

But, and here's the important bit, you don't take it out on your wife who has spent years planning and working so that you can have the damn watch in the first place. If OP hadn't done that there'd be no watch at all and he'd still be sat there daydreaming about it and looking at pictures on the internet.

He could have the "in-store" experience by taking it in to ask about care and maintenance. Most places will be very happy to bring you champagne and massage your ego as long as you're a prior customer.

It's understandable that he's upset it's not how he thought, but it's completely unacceptable to throw it back in OPs face.

Quite. He's ungrateful, rude and selfish. Yes the sort of person who wants an expensive watch and a Dubai holiday? That's what she got him, it's not like he wants to visit art galleries in Florence and she booked Venice.

He’s ungrateful, and it’s about him being in control and doesn’t like it you chose for him. If you do stay with him next time just a pair of socks or a mug and save for something for you.

Id take the watch back and take one of my friends to Dubai. Ungrateful man. I’d be well pleased if someone went to that much effort for me. Boo hoo I didn’t get to go to a watch shop to pick the watch I wanted. Boo hoo my lovely wife has booked us a trip of a lifetime. He needs to get a grip.

I would just feel so incredibly touched once I learned that a loved one had spent years planning and saving for a beautiful landmark birthday gift for me. Even if I was secretly a little upset at not being involved in planning I think my appreciation for their loving gesture would more than eclipse that.

I just don't get why anyone is defending this DH.

To be fair, when we were 30 we’d not long come out of uni and didn’t have much money so Rome felt like a once in a lifetime trip to us at the time, and it was incredible.

And I actually don’t think Dubai is a once in a lifetime trip. I’m always seeing people going for holidays and long weekends. If it means that much to him he can plan another trip in a few years time.

I’d personally just feel loved and appreciated that I would not let it bother me.

She paid for it herself and I don't think for one tiny minute that the OP has risked the roof over their heads or where their next meal is coming from. Would he be throwing a tantrum because he didn't get the full "exciting shopping experience" if she'd risked their very security? Because that's what he's sulking about and that's why he's being nasty, pure and simple. He's unhappy because he's a man baby and decided to be a prick to his wife. Men can and frequently do, no baffling mystery there.

I think if you've had to save for three years, it is once in a lifetime?

The main issue is probably that DH has very expensive tastes and not the income to go with them.

I couldn’t shag a sulker.

I have a thing for Louis Vuitton handbags and I've bought in store myself and had them bought as gifts.
I'd much rather have them as gifts because a gift is a sign of effort and often love than have the 'experience' of some shop assistant having to kiss my arse over a glass of cava because they won't get a bonus.
The 'luxury' shopping experience really isn't all that and is pretty uncomfortable when you boil it down to what it really is.