Husband doesn’t appreciate gift

[MrsM101]

I’m pretty upset and feeling unappreciated. I’ve saved for 3 years for my husband’s 50th birthday to make it a special one. I spent months researching and planning and booked Dubai for his birthday, really spent a lot more than I’ve ever done before to show my appreciation and make his birthday special, also purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved, secondly he is annoyed that I planned a holiday and he wasn’t involved in the planning and doesn’t want to go. I have shed so many tears and feel so unappreciated. I didn’t see it going this way. I just don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

You've chosen, and paid for, expensive gifts he had on his list. You were thoughtful, he is petulant and ungracious.

Hope you're ok OP.

He's ungrateful and a massive brat. Take the watch back and go to Dubai with a mate!

You saved for 3 years, tried your hardest to do something nice, got it thrown back in your face in a pretty cunty way, and then proceed to get chided on here by a load of people who seem to think that you've done something wrong.

Fuck that.

In your position I would be very tempted to say something like "yes, darling, it was ever so silly of me to save up for 3 years in order to get you things I thought you would like for your milestone birthday, wasn't it? Never mind, I'll take the watch back, cancel the trip, get all my money back, and then you can go fuck yourself."

Not with you at all. The item of jewellery, it’s like saying uou always wanted a gold necklace, as such any gold necklace will do. Sure he’s saying he loves the one she got, but clearly it’s not the one he’d have picked.

as for the holiday, an important part is the planning. It’s a bit shitty to say well he can pick the restaurants and activities so fuck him in terms of the hotel,timing etc,

This .

op, you sound incredibly thoughtful and he sounds quite ridiculous and precious.

As others said, return the watch and enjoy the holiday with a friend. He doesn’t deserve this.

Take the watch back.

Go to Dubai with a friend.

Hes not miffed he missed out on any "experience", if it was just that he'd have handled it a lot kinder.

Also despite being team dh he definitely could have handled his response better.

I hate surprises and my DH of 24 years knows this. I had my 50th a couple of years ago and said to him I didn't want a surprise. But a few days before my birthday he told me to pack because he was taking me away for my birthday. Just the two of us, not with the kids who are teens. I totally stewed on this for a day and put on my big girl pants and said I told him I didn't want any surprises (he was surprised thinking all I didn't want was a surprise party) and that the only thing I wanted for my 50th was to spend it with family. So, he hurriedly changed things to a brunch with family and friends, spa afternoon, then a dinner with immediate family. It was exactly what I wanted, all in our home town and pretty simple. OP, do you know what your husband likes? My biggest annoyance at my whole scenario was that my DH still doesn't get that I don't like surprises and grand gestures despite having been together for a quarter of a century.

I am so sorry you are so upset. I think you really should let your 'D'H know how much he has upset you and not hide it away.

I don't really understand some of the posters on here. So he feels he missed out on the planning and in-store experience....so bloody what? When you find out your wife has spent years planning and saving for gifts that she knew you would love, surely you put any of those negative feelings to one side and just show appreciation for both the gifts and the giver?

I think some people have just been dragged up if they don't know this.

Ooh tell me, where are these secret rules that say anything above a Toblerone must have the specific consent and involvement of the recipient? Nope, its pathetic. My husband booked a trip to Japan for my 50th , somewhere ive always wanted to go, and I was over the fucking moon. The idea that I could have started sulking about him choosing an amazing present for me is just mind blowing. I love him and he did a lovely thing for me and even if it had been to somewhere i thought was disappointing I'd have kept my mouth shut as id have known what an effort he had gone to to try and make me happy on my birthday. I was still able to plan with my DH what we'd do and where we'd go when we got there, as will the OPs DH. He will be able to do whatever he wants in Dubai, visit whatever he wants to see, eat wherever he wants to eat. Pretty much every single hotel is fantastic. He is just being a complete arsehole. Can't believe people are tripping themselves up to make excuses for the idiot.

OP is pretty clear that the watch she got is the exact model he wanted:

purchased a watch he had been after on top of it all which cost a bomb. I just really wanted to celebrate him. Firstly he is annoyed that I didn’t allow him to hand pick the watch himself even though he told me that’s the one he loved

But even if it wasn't, and he really couldn't bear it, the conversation should reflect that: "Darling, it was wonderful of you to buy me the watch, but would you mind terribly if I exchanged it for the X model?" Not harrumphing and reducing OP to tears because he missed 'the watch buying experience'.

I am sorry you are experiencing hurt feelings over your efforts . Surprises like this are not for everyone.

I also don't like receiving expensive gifts unless I'm allowed to choose them.myself. I think it stems from not every getting any expensive surprises growing up without a lot of spare cash, and the annoyance of the risk that if it's not exactly right it's a waste of money. As I've got older I have learned to accept that a gift is what the gifter wants to gift, and that is not necessarily what the receiver would have chosen.

Buying a luxury watch from a specialist store can be a lovely experience in it's own right, and part of the overall sentimental attachment to the gift, especially if you are not used to being fawned over by knowledgeable sales people. I treated myself to one when I retired . The store was beautiful, the staff were lovely, I tried on different styles and colours and still.picked the one I thought I would choose but trying on a dozen really expensive watches was a once in a lifetime experience. I was brought a glass of champagne while the watch was adjusted for my small wrist size, packaged into it's percentage box with it's certificate of authentic and serial number. It was all part of the luxury. The only luxury item I have ever wanted ,

Id also want to be involved to the planning of any of my more expensive bucket list trips as well.. the looking forward to the trips months in advance is a big part of my delight.

I think you just need to learn that some people like your husband find enjoyment in planning and looking forward to trips, and the buying of the luxury watch as part of the overall experience. You on the other hand would probably delight in a secretly planned surprise, not chosen by you but organised and carefully planned and given with just as much love,.

Being part of the store experience?!
Most presents are bought without the recipient being there?!

Exactly this. Taking his wishes under consideration and saving up for that is thoughful and very sweet but it could have been done in a bit different manner so that the planning process would include him as well. The surprise part would still be there anyway.

No, it isn’t. He told OP he wanted a certain watch, which is what she got him. She didn’t just buy any watch. If she had I couldn’t understand him being upset. But this is the watch he said he wanted 🤷🏼‍♀️

As for the holiday, OP has booked a destination he said was on his bucket list. It’s not a ‘fuck him’ situation at all. He’s going to a destination where he can choose to do whatever her wants in a destination he wants to go to.
unless the OP has booked a shit hotel in the worst part of Dubai I can’t see the issue

But we can all agree to disagree, we’re all different after all.
I shall continue to subtly hint to my husband what I want for my birthday and won’t be offended when he chooses the right thing by himself 🤣😉🤣

The OP very clearly states that its the exact watch he wanted

I just think there was too much on this on bith sides.

They were bucket list items for him, so not unreasonable to want to be involved in the planning. I don't really understand expensive watches or trips to Dubai, but if I'm going on my trip of a lifetime, the planning and choosing is all part of the experience, and as it's the trip of a lifetime there's only one chance. It's not like getting a shirt that's almost but not quite the one you wanted, that you wear anyway but plan to buy the right one yourself later.

And from OP's side. Why on earth would you spend three years saving for a birthday gift? And, why would you spend so much without discussing it and making sure it's right? There's far too much pressure on that to be perfect, and part of his disappointment is probably that he knows what a big deal this was for her too, and is sad for her as well.

If you did want to use your savings that way, thr gift is "surprise we can go to Dubai", not "here's the trip you've been dreaming of all planned the way I want it."

No on the same scale, but years ago when briefcases were a thing and I got my first "big job", I hankered after professional briefcase. DH bought me a very expensive one, more than we could really afford to spend on a briefcase or a gift, but I hated it, he'd gone for something very traditional, whereas I knew the modern style I wanted.

I was devastated because I was stuck with this expensive item I didn't love, but also because "family money" had been spent on it, I was sad for DH becuase he'd been so pleased with himself but hadn't got it right, and it also felt that he didn't know me/hadn't listened properly to what I wanted. We did tale it back, but he was really upset not to have got it right. Should I not have told him?

Jesus I’d probably divorce him if this is how he’s feeling. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who wants to cosplay being rich and is shallow enough to just want something so people fawn over him. So much so that he’s ruined a big birthday having a tantrum.

I’d return the watch, and I mean that with every sense of being. I could never see him wearing it as it would always bring back this memory. Don’t give him the money, if it’s so important to him he can save up and pay for it. Which I doubt he will.

How faraway is Dubai? Can you cancel and get a refund and just lose the deposit?

I think his reaction is pretty unforgivable if I’m honest.

This I'm afraid. His reaction and treatment of the OP is just shocking.

'Missed out on the store experience of buying his beautiful watch that he wanted'; 'missed out on planning his trip of a lifetime'. Boo hoo poor him.

I don’t understand the holiday issue but the watch picking process I fully understand. To some men, that is more important than the watch itself which becomes special after some years of ownership. It is also a rite of passage if this is the first expensive proper watch.

Really sorry he has not appreciated all the effort.
Don't be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong.

I am a control freak and in my late teens & very early twenties, I might have reacted the way your H did then few hours later be caught up in the excitement of it all. I was spoilt and honestly, had little appreciation for the value of money.

By my late twenties, as much as I didn't trust people to know exactly what I like etc etc i would have loved all the effort gone to plan such lovely gifts for me.

I do not like Dubai but even I would have been very appreciative and even excited by the two gifts (and i love the shop experience of seeing all the different designs etc). I would be very grateful and excited. I would feel blessed & loved to have someone gift me such presents.

@MrsM101 , wipe your tears, return the watch. He is not matured enough to have it. Today, has he said anything? Does he still want the Dubai trip? If you can't get back a refund for the trip, i will consider making it a gift to yourself with planned activities you like and going with someone who would appreciate being invited.

Even if he still wants to go on the trip, be sure to return the watch. Hope it's not engraved or anything like that. That watch is tainted and I can't see how he would ever wear it with joy or how i could ever see him wearing it & not get this horrible feeling of yesterday when he behaved so appallingly. Let him get the money and buy the watch himself.

Hope you are feeling better today.

I’m team DH. The only thing I’d feel with a surprise holiday gift is disappointment. For me, planning is at least half of the joy of a holiday, and I’d hate someone else having picked the hotel for me, even if it was lovely, as one of my favourite things to do is trawl though hotel listings, making short lists and finally picking it.

Similar with expensive jewellery. One of my favourite ever experiences was buying jewellery from Tiffany’s in New York. If it had just been a gift, it would have been nice but no where near as special as it is now that I’ve had that experience.

But I know this and my DH knows this, and we don’t do gifts for birthdays, we just each have a splurge day where we spend on ourselves and we get exactly what we want and the experience we want.

I can see why you’re disappointed, but I can see why he is too. It’s just a pity you’ve never bottomed this out before.

I probably would be grateful in the long run, but honestly I’d have to get over the disappointment that you’ve taken two experiences that I wanted to do away from me.

OP, you have planned something which you thought was special, and your DH has been not only unappreciative, but rude. Is he always like this?
Take the watch back.
I don't know what you can do about Dubai - personally it's not a place I'd want to go to, and the FCO advice is that it's unpredictable and you need to be cautious.
I hope you can get your money back. Then think about couples counselling, or your exit plan.

I usually do ALL my life planning. (I live alone). So when someone books and plans something for me (as my kids sometimes do) it is part of the gift not to have to plan, arrange, pre-book - just to have someone take on the responsibility of sorting shit out. I just lift my feet, go along with what's planned and enjoy not having to make fifteen phone calls for every single thing.

But I can see how people who are usually equal in planning or who hate having the opportunity to plan (I've had sixty odd years of it and I'm sick of it) taken away from them might be a bit narked.

I do think that the DH in this example is being a wee bit ungrateful though. Maybe he could choose his watch, but surely you haven't pre-booked the entire Dubai experience and he can sort out some things he particularly wants to do while he's there?

I despair at some of the comments on here. They are seriously depressing.
@MrsM101 you did a lovely thing. You worked hard and saved hard to give him two lovely birthday gifts, you have done nothing to apologise for.
Is he a controlling person generally?