The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

So pleased you’ve kicked him to the kerb.

It’s so hard. It’s been a week and he’s really struggling.it was sudden and unexpected and a terrible tragedy.

Let's talk ED in men.
A large number of males over 50 will sooner or later suffer from ed. Ed can be brought on for a number of reasons:
Poor diet
Drinking
Smoking
Overweight
Other medical issues
Stress
These are just a few of the reasons. But A bigger part of the problem is embarrassment and lack of talking about it. Say it's his first time with someone new, and he fails, that is a big embarrassment, and one that may deter him from trying again, or if the couple try again on a different night, then he will put himself under more stress to try and perform, and then the vicious cycle begins. I think talking about it early on can help (but not eradicate the problem), but then the guy worries about what the woman will think and whether she will tell others, and the guy becomes a laughing stock, which again doesn't help.

So a question to all you ladies, when is the right time to approach the subject, and what about the little blue pills, when is the right time to discuss or even take one of those.

There's no real reasoning behind the post apart from talking about it, as it's always mentioned but never discussed.

I would add medication to the list.

I think there are two scenarios for when it is a known health problem for a man

One - person has ED, they have sought help, followed advice and most likely some of the help and advice has worked.

Two - person has ED and has not sought help or followed advice and either convinced themself it doesn't matter, their partners will not notice (!) or they'll keep trying again with new partners because deep down they believe it's "not them".

From my perspective if the meds work and don't have to be timed, then it is not necessary to discuss.

If timing is needed, or they don't work fully, it is much, much better to say it may be an issue beforehand.

Eta MrF I much prefer "women" to "ladies" though I realise you're aiming to be polite.

Wtaf?! On what planet would you think to share this with a potential date/new partner?!! Or know this about an ex in the first place? Ugh! Be gone!

What was the verdict on a second date with Mr 2nd time in the end?

Totally agree with medication adding to the list

Person 1, although they have done things right, I still think it should be discussed as you would with any other medical history ie diabetes, heart problems, etc as I believe that's what couples should do.

Person 2, apart from being an idiot, needs to learn that it is down to them to seek help.

I just think it needs to stop being a bit of a taboo subject.

@MrFlintstone i would far rather a man is just upfront about it and be willing to take medication.

ive had a gentleman who couldn’t and swore it hadn’t happened before, but couldn’t with me. I felt the onus was on him to bring up the subject of medication as there’s more to it than penetrative sex. We didn’t work out but I didn’t feel asking him to medicate was my right as it’s his body and surely he’s aware of the options available?

I think I'd be far too nervous and self conscious to do this! Am interested in how you get on!

The mini golf one sounds fun though, I'm much better when there's a walk or activity involved than having to sit and talk.

Bloody hell! Sorry this has happened. Could've at least had the courtesy to say something first, what a spineless idiot. What is it with these type of men? I've had 1 of these too, just a bit weird. I'd never be so rude... I've had cold feet a couple of times but I've always let them know beforehand with notice, just basic common decency no?

Omg, is there a full moon at the moment or something? Lol. Hopefully you're not too cut up about it? Well done on removing yourself from it. Very strange behaviour from him!

I find quite a few men have their political status as "right" on Hinge, its an immediate left swipe for me as rightly or wrongly I just imagine what they're like without finding out.

I'd be wanting him to either back you and tell her to back off or just see his friends without her present. He wouldn't be the one splitting the friendship group - that would be her for not being able to treat you nicely. What do his friends say when this is happening? Is it just a group of 4 friends? Two couples (but Mr Sour Dough and his ex were originally the other couple)?

Thank you. He has since messaged me & asked what I'd like to do. I've thrown the ball back in his court. In person he's really engaged, very chatty, interested in me, funny & fun. I don't think texting is his thing... I'm giving him a chance but not sure this will be a lasting thing.

@coolpattern if it has only been a week I might give it a bit longer 🧡

Claude AI picked up something I didn't. (Beered was odd about me bringing a cardigan as he announced I wouldn't need it).

A man scrutinizing what you eat, in real time at the table, questioning a long-standing dietary choice out of nowhere, speculating you have an eating disorder based on nothing, and overriding your own read of your body's comfort (the cardigan) — all in a single evening — is a real pattern of controlling and undermining behavior around your body and autonomy, not a one-off awkward comment.

Also ironic that I was not slim enough for planes but didn't eat enough for beered.

Any women here feel the need to police what your dates are eating/wearing?

Lots of weird man (or should I say controlling juvenile dicks) behaviour going on this week 😖. Well done to all for kicking them to the kerb 👏

@MrFlintstonemy current Mr A discussed it early on and was using blue pills to help which tbf mainly worked but timing was obviously slight issue so lack of spontaneity. I do think talking about it early(ish) is good - we only did when it was revealed the first time we had sex as I don’t think he was anticipating us sleeping together that day and I jumped on him 🤣). I asked him if he’d been to see his GP which he put off (and off and off…). Finally a year in and he booked an appointment and ended up on testosterone and updated blood pressure pills which are working really well. It’s only been 2 or 3 months and I think the T can take a while to build so it’s been great. I do think the delay in going to the GP was embarrassment in talking about it. When he did, the Dr was brilliant apparently and they talked about everything to get the right treatment. I suspect however that many men would rather bury their heads….

@coolpattern so sorry to hear this. Could you send him some brownies or something through the post just to say ‘thinking about you’? And maybe extend an invite for a coffee or walk and picnic when he’s ready?

@rubberduck68 such a shame about Sourdough but he sounds awful in trying to shut you down (almost defensive about his ex). With the S&M reveal on top I think he’d be toast for me, but then I am very unforgiving and one show of disrespect and I’m out!

@LenaFromTheNineties not sure if you’re still reading but I loved your updates and friends dating advice - I think a lot of it was spot on and agree that I think there was some misunderstanding with OP. Please come back 🙏

@Ilovelurchers I hope the speed dating goes well and you also get to go to the mini golf singles. I’d love that too!

@Nosdacariad sorry to hear Beered has imploded too after Planes. You definitely need MrHot&Respectful after this 🤞

I don’t police clothing but have a penchant for a man in a short sleeved linen shirt and have made this known 😂

In struggling with this with Mr Spanner. The main problem is we seem to feel the same way. The only concern I have is that it’s my house as he’s just moved back from abroad and doesn’t have proper accommodation. He’s moving into a house share. This is an alarm bell but he pays his way. Doesn’t push for things (it was me that suggested the 4 day thing and it was away from home) Arranges fun days out. Just really hard when I want to see him all the time but we’re apart this week. Trying to be sensible!

Sorry he didn’t work out, he sounded nice. We will always be too ……. For the wrong person. It’s my Goldilocks theory. We’re not too sweet too hot. For the right person we are just right. More frogs to kiss I guess.

Hi all, happy Tuesday! Lots to catch up on here.

@Nosdacariad, all this weird stuff from Beered, monitoring your eating, plus the cardigan thing, it all smacks of controlling tendencies to me. I would strongly dislike any date monitoring what I ate, and forming opinions on it..... And if he is doing this by date 3, imagine what he would be like months or years down the line. What you choose to put inside your body is a very personal thing, and as adults we should have complete autonomy over it - it shouldn't be something a partner monitors, criticises, asks us to account for. Bullet dodged, I think!

But you must be feeling sad about it. Especially coming so hot on the wings of Planes .....

I saw an FWB last night - not the one I see semi-regularly but the other one - I'll call him FWB2. I hadn't seen him this year, as friendship is the most important aspect of an FWB set up for me, and I felt he could have offered more support when my dad passed in January, especially as he lost his own dad a few years ago. He text a lot but didn't once offer to come over and see me. And perhaps I should have asked him to, but....

Anyway, he has been asking to meet for a while and last night I relented and I had forgotten how lovely he is, and how much we have in common. Generous and thoughtful too - he bought me an absolutely beautiful birthday gift which was very cleverly chosen. (In contrast to FWB1, who asked me to send him an Amazon link for a pair of earrings I'd mentioned wanting - I love them but he may as well just have given me some cash in an envelope, bless him! 🤣.) FWB2 also kept offering to pay for everything last night (I am not a gold digger but I guess I am old fashioned enough to like this, even tho I certainly don't demand it!). And kept complimenting me etc etc - it was all lovely.

The upshot being we had quite an emotional late night conversation - one of the main obstacles to us dating properly has always been how far away he lives - I pointed out that he will soon be at a turning point career-wise at which he could actually choose to move anywhere in the country, if he really wanted to - but as I suspected, his mates and his band etc will always come first. It's fair enough. So FWB we will remain, at most. And if and when I finally meet someone, as I hope to, not even that......

In other dating news, because I was off the apps pretty much all of yesterday, another semi-promising Hinge match unmatched me. So I really do have ally dating eggs in the Spoed Dating on Saturday night basket.

Regarding that, I am feeling really guilty as I haven't told my best friend,, who is also single, and I am 95% certain she would want to come with me (but she would never have the confidence to do it on her own, bless her - she doesn't even like going to a normal pub alone). My selfish reasons are:
A) I want to be able to arrive when I want, and leave when I want to, even leaving part way through if I really hate it. And I couldn't do that if I was with someone else.
B) I guess I feel it looks better to attend alone - like I am more serious about it? And I makes more or a statement about my confidence and independence? I don't want to give any decent guys there the impression I am just there for a drunken laugh, if you see what I mean.

But I still feel guilty - if you were my friend and you found out, would you be pissed off?

@Ilovelurchers I would say I was sussing it out to see if it’s something you think she’d like to go to a future one? Or you got the last spot? 🤷‍♀️😂

@Ilovelurchers what @OctopusSting said.
And, no I wouldn't be upset but I would probably ask to come with you if you went again. Do you think she'd understand if you told her the real reason? I would understand in her shoes.

Shame about FWB2. It sounds like you have some good men in your life, such a shame they don't work as a permanent romantic relationship but at least they set the bar high for you to compare any potentials to.

@Ilovelurchers dating is a personal thing, so I think you can just say you wanted to go alone. I think most people in the dating world would understand!

Sorry about FWB2

@duckingclueless it is hard to be sensible when you're having fun!

@Ilovelurchers I'm ok really, thanks. His boozing was a worry and his adult kids not speaking to him 😁
And you don't owe your friend an invitation 🧡. I'm so impressed how you cope with your FWB.

Thanks all for sharing your views - I actually asked my friend what she thought about speed dating and she said it didn't appeal, and she also has a date Saturday night, so I now feel fine about not inviting her and will be able to tell her about it. I didn't like the thought of keeping it from her, as we normally discuss pretty much everything!

@NosdacariadI surprise myself with being OK with the FWB thing - it is something that younger me would really have struggled with. But something has definitely shifted in my mindset, and I am more able to compartmentalise somehow - also I used to be quite prone to jealousy, but I really don't seem to do that any more.

I don't know if it's a wholly positive shift though - maybe I have become kind of cynical and indifferent?

I hope I still have the capacity to fall in love, strongly enough that I desire total exclusivity from somebody and couldn't bear the thought of him with anyone else..... Hopefully I just need to meet the right person.

Maybe this mythical guy will be there at the speed-dating on Saturday? Though I am trying to manage my expectations, and treat it more as a social experiment/training ground, than expecting to meet my soul-mate at my first ever singles event......

I hope the mythical guy will be there. You deserve someone lovely.

I'm feeling a bit jaded after Beered. Also not feeling too optimistic about men in their 50s in general.