The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾🥂

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh nooo.. do you think drinking affects these men's ED maybe? Glad you had a good time though.

Shame about Mr Maths @Chocolatefreak

Yes, I think it's a combination of lifestyle, meds, circulatory issues and possibly nerve damage from diabetes (in MrX's case).

I'm not a medic obv x

Ugh Mr Beered has made a crack about me getting a better offer and put off deciding our next date then gone quiet.

Whyyyyyyy😱

You what, now? Just why???? 🤦

And it was going so well......

I realise that I am extrapolating wildly, but is it possible he has done that thing some men (and possibly women too, though less so in my experience) seem to be prone to, of making himself intensely vulnerable (opening up about the ED - something I really admired him for when you told us, as I have known men who will ignore the issue even WHILE it's actually happening.....) and that he has had a reaction to his own moment of "weakness" in retrospect. And that, crazily, he now almost reaents you/distrusts you for knowing this thing about you?

I've certainly known similar happen to friends - one day they message saying they had a great night last night, the guy really opened up, admitted to some failings, showed vulnerability,.... And the next day they haven't heard a peep from him, or he has just sent some shitty message that implies a complete lack of interest.....

The other possible explanation is, was he drunk when he messaged you today? You have mentioned that he likes a beer, and Sunday can be a traditional day-drinking day for some.

Anyway, what are your feelings about it? Hope you are ok lovely. You deserve better than this absolute nonsense..
..

That's a disappointment about Maths. I think you did the right thing on agreeing to another date - you have given it your best shot, and can put it to bed knowing that your initial instincts on meeting him were right. Any more irons in the fire?.

I've got a date booked tomorrow evening with Mr Detective - he has suggested a really nice, quite upmarket bar in our city which I had never heard of before but it sounds like a bit of a secret gem, reading up about it! So that's swung me in his favour - it's somewhere I can reasonably get a little bit dressed up for, which I do enjoy.

Some of the other irons I have had sizzling away in the background have gone crazy today - one on Facebook dating sent me all these weird messages about his sex life with his ex (of only 6 weeks, it transpires). And indeed her sex life since - apparently she has now tried anal sex, which she wouldn't do with him, because he was "too big".

So many questions:
A) how does he know this.
B) why is she an ex if they are still close enough to share intimate details of their sex lives.
C) why is he telling me.
D) why is he such a revolting and weird fucking creep, too know this stuff and spew it on-line to a virtual stranger.....

But rather than asking any of these, I blocked him and went to look for some brain bleach.

Oh, and remember Mr 2nd Time, the one I had the date with which was quite good apart from the weird head-gripping kiss?

We have been messaging in a very desultory fashion, and he has finally gotten round to mentioning a second date. (Mini-golf, something I have strongly hinted I love). The trouble is, he has left it so long that I am not feeling in rh least desired or pursued. In fact, I feel like very much an after thought. If this is his A Game, what would he be like months down the line, when the initial spark of meeting has worn off.

I was in two minds anyway, due to the strangeness of the kids, and also his non-ideal living arrangements. Now I am thinking I just won't bother.

But am I being too Princessy? We met on Tuesday. So it's taken almost a week for him to actually start pinning down a date with any seriousness.....

Quite possibly the vulnerability one 🧡

I'm a bit done with the lack of straightforwardness.

Mr Brain bleach ewwwww he brings the drama!

Mr Dectective is promising.

Mr second time...nah. not princessy at all 😁

I've just booked a ticket for a speed-dating event in my city on Saturday night.

I have never gone to any singles events before. I don't feel nervous as such as I have had so many first dates now that I am used to making conversation with virtual strangers - and how bad can 4 minutes get?

But I just have no idea what to expect! I mean, I understand the format, but in terms of what kind of people will be there etc, literally no idea.

It's for 40-55 year olds (I am 48). In a city centre venue, run by a company that seem to do events across the UK.

If anybody has any advice they can share, I'd be really grateful. My plan is to mostly approach it just as a new experience/learning process, rather than expecting to meet someone first go.....

(I have also found out that at least two of the mini-golf places in my city do singles events, so given my love of mini-golf, I am hoping to try these too - but I will dip my toe in with conventional speed dating first.)

I recently went to one of those events. Same age range. 10 women, 7 guys turned up. Most people came on their own.

I actually really enjoyed it. Everyone was really friendly men and women. I felt this overwhelming sense that I am not alone, and there are many single people of a similar age going through the same kind of thing, ie kind of fine on their own but wanting to do more with someone else.

However, it was unsuccessful for me! The experience of the 4-minute dates was positive. It goes too quickly. There were 3 men i said I was interested in seeing again and none of them matched with me. I was a bit demoralised. With online dating I don't mind being rejected because nobody knows me, and when I actually meet there is a high proportion of men who want to see me again. So this actually made me doubt myself and my attractiveness.

I did get one match with a man who i could tell liked me because he approached me before and after the event. But I ticked the friend box with him. He asked me out but I ended up cancelling and then got a slightly snarky follow-up from him.

My advice would be use the time before and after to mingle. 4 minutes is not long enough and I think it is probably hard to stand out. I thought I was having nice chats but everyone at the event was lovely and sociable so everyone was having nice chats. The speed dating bit is just the vehicle to get people in the room together.

With that age range too, neatly all the men attending were over 50.

I am trying it again on 3 September because I actually had a nice night out and met great women!

This is magnificent - good job!

No advice but I hope you have a great time - I guess you're fast forwarding OLD 😁

@Clarabella77 it may say the opposite about your attractiveness, sometimes people don't choose you if they think you're out of their league 🧡

Thank you so much - this is really helpful. X

And yes, I definitely agree with this!

Any advice?

Mr Beered - he said we'd sort this weekend's 4th date midweek unless I got a better offer, I said I'd rather know what we were doing sooner unless he wasn't feeling it.
He went very quiet.
I explained I would rather see him and there would be no "better offer"
He eventually replied he was confused, was going to bed and could we talk today.
I said yes sure and...🦗🦗🦗 nothing today.

WWYD?

Oh no...... Was he drinking yesterday do you think? Sounds like he had got himself worked up into a bit of a paranoid state .... And could be sleeping it off today? Or would he be working? (I forget what he does).

Does he usually text in the mornings - would you ordinarily have heard from him by now?

I guess there are two things:

A) does he want to pursue things with you?
B) having seen this side of him, do you still want to pursue things with him?

As far as A is concerned, whether he does or doesn't will become clear soon, so don't overthink your actions at this point, as nothing you do, whether you decide to message now or don't, is likely to have any impact on the outcome. We put so much pressure on our own microbehaviours - should we text, and when, and how exactly to phrase things - but people know their own minds, and they generally know what they want, or don't want. Or if they don't, then whether or not you text plays no part in making their mind up, they have to get there on their own.

As for B, I guess listen to your heart. Does this feel like an understandable and forgiveable wobble because you are both on the verge of the first step towarss commitment? Or some piece of indulgent twattery that you can see becoming a feature of your future life if you stick with him?

Does this behaviour remind you of Planes? Remember you are still likely to be slightly more vulnerable than usual, due to the actions of the Crash.

Remember, you are the prize. You deserve a man who adds to your peace, not one who disturbs it......

Thanks @Ilovelurchers he had a second chance when he was silent for two days after date 1...it feels like indulgent twattery.

He's retired.

It does feel a bit like Mr Crashing not soaring 😁

Well done - I have so much admiration for your ability to be clear and strong (yet also fair) on boundaries. It's something I hope to be able to emulate one day!

How are you feeling in yourself? It's bound to be a bit of a disappointment - you liked him and it had been going really well......

Mr Detective has just unmatched me out of the blue! Looks like our date tomorrow isn't happening then!

In his last message he sent his phone number, and I politely explained that I prefer to keep things on the app until a first meeting.

Clearly that was too assertive for his tastes - or something.

Jesus Christ. Why are so many men like this????

@Ilovelurchers I have suggested Mr Beered calls at 3. I would like to hear him out. If he doesn't call I'm done.
Thanks for asking 😍

I think there is a biggish proportion of men who don't see us as people. They know they're not supposed to let on but they tell on themselves.

He was probably not single.

I'm sorry it is really crappy of him.

TW for eating disorders

Update...Mr Beered said he was in two minds because I didn't eat all of either meals we had and therefore HAVE I GOT AN EATING DISORDER?! ( massive restaurant meals).
I don't.
I said I'd remove an option so he didn't have to be confused and that he could have just texted me.
I suspect the ED chat was the problem though.

I think that is the weirdest reason I have ever heard from a man for inconsistent, flaky behaviour.

This is clearly a him problem.

At this point, I would be wondering if he is worth the hassle.

I removed myself as an option 😁

All very sound advice you’ve been getting from Lurchers. Hopefully Beered called at 3pm?

Oh I didn’t see your update! How bizarre!! You’ve done the right thing removing yourself and as pp said, it’s probably HIS ed as opposed to your (imagined) ed 🙄

I hate when this happens. A date is in reach and all seems to be going well and then they do a vanishing act, up in a cloud of smoke! Insanity!!

Hope you’re okay and this hasn’t got to you too much? x