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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread 61 - High Summer High Jinks 🍾πŸ₯‚

939 replies

Nosdacariad · 19/07/2026 14:47

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 07/08/2026 19:32

Ilovelurchers · 07/08/2026 19:10

While I love the idea of meeting someone on line, I feel like the chances are slim. My friend, who is also single and is utterly gorgeous, and I spent about four hours yesterday in a busy pub garden overlooking the canal close to our city centre, and in all that time not a single guy approached us, caught our eye, anything - I feel like in years gone by we would have likely been chatted up at least once. (We would both have been completely open to any polite approach from a guy - we discussed this beforehand).

Tomorrow I am in the city again at an event which may be the sort of thing one meets people at, but I am going with a (totally platonic, married) male friend (we are friends of many years' standing and his wife is completely cool with it.) I suitors feel like being with a guy will effectively repel all suitors, should there be some miracle be any! Though I feel desperate enough at this point to wear a T-shirt saying "I'm not with him!"

In OLD news I've got a couple of new chats going on Hinge, one of which I am cautiously excited about. I won't bother naming any of them until a date is booked in, as at this rate I will run out of names - I am pretty sure I have had at least two "Mr Cats" as it is!

Fingers crossed for the hinge chats.

Have you looked at modern "handkerchief drops"?

Maybe your platonic friend can keep a big gap between you so it's visibly platonic?

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 07/08/2026 23:24

Have any of you wise women got any tips on how to prevent the dating apps from taking over your life? I try not to check them too often and I don't have any alerts on for them, but when my phone is switched on and near me, and I open it for another purpose, I find it hard to resist just quickly clicking on the apps, and then if I see a message or some new likes, I just have a quick look, and one thing leads to another and before I know it I've spent 15 minutes messaging and/or swiping.....

I have been switching my phone off at a certain time in the evening and leaving it in another room, or sometimes leaving at home when I go to the park, but today I was reading in the park for about two and a half hours and when I got back I had loads of panicked messages from my elderly mom - some workmen she had had in had been harassing her for payment, which she needs my help doing from her phone, and unable to contact me she ended up driving to the bank and queuing for ages, which she is too frail to safely do alone...

It brought home to me that I do really need to be contactable at all times - but how do I develop the self discipline to resist frequent "quick" dating app checks?I'd like to have several hours each day in which I don't even think about dating.....

If anybody has any strategies that work for them, I'd be really grateful.

(On a positive note, I am in discussion about arranging a date with my promising new iron, so I will name him - Mr Detective. (Guess what he does for work.
...🀣)

Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 08:03

@Ilovelurchers ooh Mr Detective!

I am the same with apps depending on how bothered I am about the peeps on them.

Could you assign yourself an hour a day.

Mr Beered had 7 pints last night before our call and mentioned our 'relationship'

Third date tomorrow.

OP posts:
Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 10:13

Morning!
Can I ask your thoughts on this?
So after a great first date last Sat, Mr Spa was consistently messaging daily, albeit sometimes taking a while to reply, but mostly the first to message.
Thursday I asked him if he's going to ask me for another date or was I going to have to ask him. He laughed & teased for me to ask him so I asked if he was free next weekend. He didn't reply for hours so I jokingly asked him if he was keeping me in suspense. He replied to say he was really tired & was going to get an early night & did i mind if he replies tomorrow (Fri). I've heard nothing since. Would you follow up tomorrow if no reply today or just assume he doesn't want another date and leave it?
Slightly kicking myself for spending the night with him now, maybe the first & last time I do that (although I don't regret it)

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 10:17

Ilovelurchers · 07/08/2026 23:24

Have any of you wise women got any tips on how to prevent the dating apps from taking over your life? I try not to check them too often and I don't have any alerts on for them, but when my phone is switched on and near me, and I open it for another purpose, I find it hard to resist just quickly clicking on the apps, and then if I see a message or some new likes, I just have a quick look, and one thing leads to another and before I know it I've spent 15 minutes messaging and/or swiping.....

I have been switching my phone off at a certain time in the evening and leaving it in another room, or sometimes leaving at home when I go to the park, but today I was reading in the park for about two and a half hours and when I got back I had loads of panicked messages from my elderly mom - some workmen she had had in had been harassing her for payment, which she needs my help doing from her phone, and unable to contact me she ended up driving to the bank and queuing for ages, which she is too frail to safely do alone...

It brought home to me that I do really need to be contactable at all times - but how do I develop the self discipline to resist frequent "quick" dating app checks?I'd like to have several hours each day in which I don't even think about dating.....

If anybody has any strategies that work for them, I'd be really grateful.

(On a positive note, I am in discussion about arranging a date with my promising new iron, so I will name him - Mr Detective. (Guess what he does for work.
...🀣)

I'm a terrible scroller on social media & find I've got into the same habit on the apps. Although I've no one left to swipe on Bumble lol. @Nosdacariad's advice sounds like something I should maybe do for all apps too, although my scrolling & swiping does tend to be in the evenings.

MsJinks · 08/08/2026 10:38

Lurchers - So this should work - go into Settings, Apps, find the App you want to stop notifying you - turn off β€˜background app refresh’, turn off β€˜notifications’, maybe tirn off β€˜mobile data’
Then ensure the app isn’t open on your phone - for iPhone I swipe off the app I don’t want to see - this effectively shuts it down and you’ll only see notifications/messages when you specifically open it.
So I learned to do this with WhatsApp when message anxiety was getting real lol - and I do it now still to stop zillions of messages popping up, I’m in a lot of groups!

When on dating apps I have only really used them in laptops or iPads as it’s easier for me to type the messages - so much a habit I didn’t open it on my phone - alternatively for you? Then I just went on once a day or less really.

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 10:45

Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 08:03

@Ilovelurchers ooh Mr Detective!

I am the same with apps depending on how bothered I am about the peeps on them.

Could you assign yourself an hour a day.

Mr Beered had 7 pints last night before our call and mentioned our 'relationship'

Third date tomorrow.

I think assigning myself a set time every day is a good idea - or maybe two or even three set chunks of time at different points.

(I like to move to a date quickly once I have matched and established mutual interest, and am aware that that could be tricky if I limit myself to what might well be one message a day if the iron isn't on-line at the same time as me.)

But maybe a shorter morning and afternoon slot, and a slightly longer one in the evening could work? I will have a go at this.

I guess it's got particularly bad because I am off work at the moment - when I am working, I tend to do a morning check on the bus, sometimes a lunch time one when I am not running a lunch time club, then most of my app time is at least limited to the evening. I am a devil for staying up late swiping, even then.....

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 10:46

MsJinks · 08/08/2026 10:38

Lurchers - So this should work - go into Settings, Apps, find the App you want to stop notifying you - turn off β€˜background app refresh’, turn off β€˜notifications’, maybe tirn off β€˜mobile data’
Then ensure the app isn’t open on your phone - for iPhone I swipe off the app I don’t want to see - this effectively shuts it down and you’ll only see notifications/messages when you specifically open it.
So I learned to do this with WhatsApp when message anxiety was getting real lol - and I do it now still to stop zillions of messages popping up, I’m in a lot of groups!

When on dating apps I have only really used them in laptops or iPads as it’s easier for me to type the messages - so much a habit I didn’t open it on my phone - alternatively for you? Then I just went on once a day or less really.

Edited

Ooh, this looks good - on the train to meet a friend now but will have a proper look at this tonight - thank you for explaining it in so much detail! X

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 10:54

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 10:13

Morning!
Can I ask your thoughts on this?
So after a great first date last Sat, Mr Spa was consistently messaging daily, albeit sometimes taking a while to reply, but mostly the first to message.
Thursday I asked him if he's going to ask me for another date or was I going to have to ask him. He laughed & teased for me to ask him so I asked if he was free next weekend. He didn't reply for hours so I jokingly asked him if he was keeping me in suspense. He replied to say he was really tired & was going to get an early night & did i mind if he replies tomorrow (Fri). I've heard nothing since. Would you follow up tomorrow if no reply today or just assume he doesn't want another date and leave it?
Slightly kicking myself for spending the night with him now, maybe the first & last time I do that (although I don't regret it)

Oh God, how annoying.

I really don't get these ones (and have had a few just like this) - they manage to organise themselves to attend the first date, so they are obviously not absolutely phobic of meeting in person.

Then they seem keen on the date, keen after it in their messages, but that second date never actually materialises.....

I wonder if this tranche of men are the true, deep avoidants - and even a second date smacks of too much commitment to them and they just can't bring themselves to do it. (Looking at you Mr Comedy, and Mr Village, both guys I really liked and the dates were really great and I would have bet my life at the time they wanted to see me again).

It's nothing you have done, so don't be tempted to start taking over your actions or blaming yourself for this in any way. This is about him and his issues.

And the sex was good? Don't regret it - you had fun, and you have potentially done yourself a favour, because if he is actually one of these total knobs who can't respect a woman who sleeps with him, then thank God you found out now, rather than wasting time and energy on the mysoginistic prick. (As I say, I hope it's not that, as I like to imagine fewer men hold that ridiculous mindset than is sometimes protrayed. You never know, though. These idiots do walk among us, sadly!)

Either way, can you do something nice to treat yourself today? You are likely to be disappointed and feel a bit low - but remember this is HIS LOSS. You are the prize - it's evident from your posts you are a funny, lovely, articulate, caring woman - I honestly think this about everyone in this lovely group! If he has missed out on you, that is his loss!

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 11:24

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 10:54

Oh God, how annoying.

I really don't get these ones (and have had a few just like this) - they manage to organise themselves to attend the first date, so they are obviously not absolutely phobic of meeting in person.

Then they seem keen on the date, keen after it in their messages, but that second date never actually materialises.....

I wonder if this tranche of men are the true, deep avoidants - and even a second date smacks of too much commitment to them and they just can't bring themselves to do it. (Looking at you Mr Comedy, and Mr Village, both guys I really liked and the dates were really great and I would have bet my life at the time they wanted to see me again).

It's nothing you have done, so don't be tempted to start taking over your actions or blaming yourself for this in any way. This is about him and his issues.

And the sex was good? Don't regret it - you had fun, and you have potentially done yourself a favour, because if he is actually one of these total knobs who can't respect a woman who sleeps with him, then thank God you found out now, rather than wasting time and energy on the mysoginistic prick. (As I say, I hope it's not that, as I like to imagine fewer men hold that ridiculous mindset than is sometimes protrayed. You never know, though. These idiots do walk among us, sadly!)

Either way, can you do something nice to treat yourself today? You are likely to be disappointed and feel a bit low - but remember this is HIS LOSS. You are the prize - it's evident from your posts you are a funny, lovely, articulate, caring woman - I honestly think this about everyone in this lovely group! If he has missed out on you, that is his loss!

Thank you, I appreciate your response!

Men confuse the hell out of me haha, it all seems so simple to me & I'm a pretty heart on sleeve, up front person so just wish it was reciprocated, it's not that difficult hey.

He has just sent me a voice note apologising for the radio silence, been busy with work & has suggested next Saturday for another date. I'm going to go but I'm keeping in mind it may not actually come to fruition. I get people are busy, I'm busy. I have a full time job, 3 DC & a life outside of dating but how hard is it to send a quick message!

I'm beginning to think I'm attracted to avoidants - all over me & keen to begin with, making lots of suggestions of future plans then all of a sudden they switch. Same happened with Mr Smile, although that lasted 3 months. I've wondered if it's me but I do give space, it's not me that's all over them or suggesting all these plans, I'm generally pretty cautious & tend not to encourage them. Ugh x

Hope goes well with Mr Detective!

MsJinks · 08/08/2026 11:49

Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 08:03

@Ilovelurchers ooh Mr Detective!

I am the same with apps depending on how bothered I am about the peeps on them.

Could you assign yourself an hour a day.

Mr Beered had 7 pints last night before our call and mentioned our 'relationship'

Third date tomorrow.

Sober thoughts - drunk actions - β€˜relationship’!
Hope date 3 goes well πŸ’—

Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 15:00

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 10:13

Morning!
Can I ask your thoughts on this?
So after a great first date last Sat, Mr Spa was consistently messaging daily, albeit sometimes taking a while to reply, but mostly the first to message.
Thursday I asked him if he's going to ask me for another date or was I going to have to ask him. He laughed & teased for me to ask him so I asked if he was free next weekend. He didn't reply for hours so I jokingly asked him if he was keeping me in suspense. He replied to say he was really tired & was going to get an early night & did i mind if he replies tomorrow (Fri). I've heard nothing since. Would you follow up tomorrow if no reply today or just assume he doesn't want another date and leave it?
Slightly kicking myself for spending the night with him now, maybe the first & last time I do that (although I don't regret it)

What a dick move by him.

I would do absolutely nothing at all, delete his number, don't necessarily block him but assume you won't be hearing from him xxx

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 15:03

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 10:54

Oh God, how annoying.

I really don't get these ones (and have had a few just like this) - they manage to organise themselves to attend the first date, so they are obviously not absolutely phobic of meeting in person.

Then they seem keen on the date, keen after it in their messages, but that second date never actually materialises.....

I wonder if this tranche of men are the true, deep avoidants - and even a second date smacks of too much commitment to them and they just can't bring themselves to do it. (Looking at you Mr Comedy, and Mr Village, both guys I really liked and the dates were really great and I would have bet my life at the time they wanted to see me again).

It's nothing you have done, so don't be tempted to start taking over your actions or blaming yourself for this in any way. This is about him and his issues.

And the sex was good? Don't regret it - you had fun, and you have potentially done yourself a favour, because if he is actually one of these total knobs who can't respect a woman who sleeps with him, then thank God you found out now, rather than wasting time and energy on the mysoginistic prick. (As I say, I hope it's not that, as I like to imagine fewer men hold that ridiculous mindset than is sometimes protrayed. You never know, though. These idiots do walk among us, sadly!)

Either way, can you do something nice to treat yourself today? You are likely to be disappointed and feel a bit low - but remember this is HIS LOSS. You are the prize - it's evident from your posts you are a funny, lovely, articulate, caring woman - I honestly think this about everyone in this lovely group! If he has missed out on you, that is his loss!

Great post @Ilovelurchers and to add I have had two or three blokes doing this and I'm not sure shagging them makes a difference.

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 15:04

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 11:24

Thank you, I appreciate your response!

Men confuse the hell out of me haha, it all seems so simple to me & I'm a pretty heart on sleeve, up front person so just wish it was reciprocated, it's not that difficult hey.

He has just sent me a voice note apologising for the radio silence, been busy with work & has suggested next Saturday for another date. I'm going to go but I'm keeping in mind it may not actually come to fruition. I get people are busy, I'm busy. I have a full time job, 3 DC & a life outside of dating but how hard is it to send a quick message!

I'm beginning to think I'm attracted to avoidants - all over me & keen to begin with, making lots of suggestions of future plans then all of a sudden they switch. Same happened with Mr Smile, although that lasted 3 months. I've wondered if it's me but I do give space, it's not me that's all over them or suggesting all these plans, I'm generally pretty cautious & tend not to encourage them. Ugh x

Hope goes well with Mr Detective!

Have you looked at Kate Taylor's reels?

She has advice on this 😘😘😘

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 15:05

MsJinks · 08/08/2026 11:49

Sober thoughts - drunk actions - β€˜relationship’!
Hope date 3 goes well πŸ’—

Yeah I'm not sure about the drinking with this one...

OP posts:
Chocolatefreak · 08/08/2026 15:28

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 11:24

Thank you, I appreciate your response!

Men confuse the hell out of me haha, it all seems so simple to me & I'm a pretty heart on sleeve, up front person so just wish it was reciprocated, it's not that difficult hey.

He has just sent me a voice note apologising for the radio silence, been busy with work & has suggested next Saturday for another date. I'm going to go but I'm keeping in mind it may not actually come to fruition. I get people are busy, I'm busy. I have a full time job, 3 DC & a life outside of dating but how hard is it to send a quick message!

I'm beginning to think I'm attracted to avoidants - all over me & keen to begin with, making lots of suggestions of future plans then all of a sudden they switch. Same happened with Mr Smile, although that lasted 3 months. I've wondered if it's me but I do give space, it's not me that's all over them or suggesting all these plans, I'm generally pretty cautious & tend not to encourage them. Ugh x

Hope goes well with Mr Detective!

@Mildred007 it's really hard to know, isn't it? Next Saturday is only a week away - and he apologised and rescheduled - but yes, a quick message takes 2 seconds! Maybe don't get too invested...

@Nosdacariad I guess the clue is in the name (Mr Beered) but how is he socially when not drinking? Although, I'm a fine one to talk - date 2 with Mr Maths tonight - we're paddling with drinks on the lake.

Nosdacariad · 08/08/2026 15:33

Have a great time @Chocolatefreak !

He's fine without booze 😁

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 16:55

Chocolatefreak · 08/08/2026 15:28

@Mildred007 it's really hard to know, isn't it? Next Saturday is only a week away - and he apologised and rescheduled - but yes, a quick message takes 2 seconds! Maybe don't get too invested...

@Nosdacariad I guess the clue is in the name (Mr Beered) but how is he socially when not drinking? Although, I'm a fine one to talk - date 2 with Mr Maths tonight - we're paddling with drinks on the lake.

Your date sounds lovely - have fun! X

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 16:56

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 11:24

Thank you, I appreciate your response!

Men confuse the hell out of me haha, it all seems so simple to me & I'm a pretty heart on sleeve, up front person so just wish it was reciprocated, it's not that difficult hey.

He has just sent me a voice note apologising for the radio silence, been busy with work & has suggested next Saturday for another date. I'm going to go but I'm keeping in mind it may not actually come to fruition. I get people are busy, I'm busy. I have a full time job, 3 DC & a life outside of dating but how hard is it to send a quick message!

I'm beginning to think I'm attracted to avoidants - all over me & keen to begin with, making lots of suggestions of future plans then all of a sudden they switch. Same happened with Mr Smile, although that lasted 3 months. I've wondered if it's me but I do give space, it's not me that's all over them or suggesting all these plans, I'm generally pretty cautious & tend not to encourage them. Ugh x

Hope goes well with Mr Detective!

Glad he finally got in touch, but I would proceed with caution. Is he generally a bit of a sparse texter?

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 16:59

I went to the event I mentioned with my platonic friend today and he was brilliant - because he knows I am looking to meet someone he literally told everyone we had any interaction with that we weren't a couple, so that people "could ask me out of they wanted to."

But guess what - not even a murmur of interest! 🀣🀦 Oh well ......

Mildred007 · 08/08/2026 19:13

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 16:56

Glad he finally got in touch, but I would proceed with caution. Is he generally a bit of a sparse texter?

Yes, texts most days but often hours between, which I'm fine with if I know that's how he is. I was just a bit put out that he didn't reply when he said he would, especially after having such a good time Saturday. I can't meet up until next Saturday anyway so also fine with when our next date is. Definitely proceeding with caution though.

Love how your friend introduced you to people lol, shame no bites though x

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 20:00

I've got a date planned with Mr Detective on Tuesday night - quite looking forward to it! I think the will be First Date number 14...... X

Nosdacariad · 09/08/2026 00:13

Ilovelurchers · 08/08/2026 20:00

I've got a date planned with Mr Detective on Tuesday night - quite looking forward to it! I think the will be First Date number 14...... X

Good effort!

OP posts:
Chocolatefreak · 09/08/2026 10:55

@Ilovelurchers you have a great friend - maybe he could be of 'assistance' in other social opportunities that arise? Good luck with Mr Detective on Tuesday - what are you doing?
@Mildred007 at least the timing suits you both - and sometimes people just aren't as responsive at messaging as others. I know someone who doesn't even use WhatsApp/Signal - making arrangements with him is like going back to the 80s!
@Nosdacariad how was date 3 with Mr Beered last night?

My SUP/drinks with Mr Maths was.....fine. I just find him a bit passive, either that or we just didn't click, despite similar backgrounds/values etc. I'm going away for a few days, and then so is he, so I think we will just tacitly fade away..

Nosdacariad · 09/08/2026 11:00

@Chocolatefreak shame about Mr Maths.

Mr Beered was lovely, moderate in his drinking while we were together. He also told me he has some ED...

OP posts: