I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

Your partner made a random bar remark and you're ranting and raging about betrayal. You may feel betrayed but he didn't betray you.

You're taking your rage about what's happened at work out on your partner who has been extremely supportive for a year and a half.

You have been treated poorly but that's not a reason to treat your partner poorly.

That isn't right. If you don't get help for your trauma and rage soon, you're going to drive everyone around you away.

Sorry if I was your partner and you had a go at me for this, an inane conversation, I’d consider ‘letting you go’ too. Please don’t take your former employers actions out on your partner, family is more important than any job.

Almost every person here is saying the same thing to you and you are so determined to be angry in the wrong direction. Agree with PPs that you are going to drive a good, supportive person away if you can't stop angrily chewing yourself in circles. Get help.

OP, this answer and the one about just forgiving him really do sum everything up.

As someone who IS a teacher, I understand where you are coming from, I'm almost retired, but I always WILL Be a teacher. I have been through a couple of complete asshole bosses in my time though and I've seen what happens when they decide to really target someone. So while you may or may not be a teacher, I've seen people leave when they just can't deal with the person targetting them any longer. My bet is what you have been through is somewhat similar.

Yes, your partner has stuffed up, but he's still your person and didn't mean to minimise you with his words. Forgive him.

Also, realise that what you are going through now is a form of grief. Grief about what you've lost and the unfairness of this whole situation. Whether you've realised it or not, this has made you extremely sensitive about the topic. Forgive him and do your best to let this situation with his words go. Don't bring it up again.

Perhaps some form of counselling would be wise now, to help you deal with the past 18 months. Also, remember, your future success will be the best form of revenge.

Oh my goodness OP.
Your pain is palpable throughout this thread. Before I add my thoughts I want to say I feel soory you are going through such a life changing experience. Your job is one of the many things in life that defines who you are. When it has been snatched away from you it's as if part of your existence no longer exists.

Now to add my thoughts on the actions of your partner. I'm sorry to say in my opinion he is totally devoid of any blame for how you are feeling at this time. He was undeniably loose with words & didn't describe your situation properly. He didn't disparage you in any way whatsoever. You mention he is generally supportive although understandably we don't know exactly what goes on behind closed doors.

You sound as if your mental health could become severely compromised if you carry on like this. Nothing is more certain in life than change. You have undergone a huge change & it's affected you greatly. It's how you cope with it that will determine what happens in the future. I wish you & your partner all the very best going forward.

@SoAngryAboutThis This is the danger of tying all of your identity in your job, no matter what that job is, even if it was curing cancer.

There must be more to you than your job - the woman your partner loves and has supported. It’s you he loves not your profession. Don’t kill that part of you because of your need to stay angry at him. That other guy probably forgot about you the minute he walked away, just like any of us would have in the same situstion.

We'd only just got there. The other man had been there a few hours. We hadnt.

You really want to hold on to the anger towards your dp don’t you. You don’t seem to respond to anyone who says forgive your dp but you respond to any posts where you can keep the anger up.

Best way to get rid of a decent partner.

This is so true.

If losing your job was painful losing your partner will hurt more.
If you keep this up you will drive him away.
He made an error of judgement.
And now you have this resentment towards him which no doubt you will aim straight at him soon.
Good people who stick by you are rare.

He didn't tell him what his job is, though.

He could have made small talk about anything at all.

People are responding as though he was obliged to say something about me/my situation and short of policing his language and running every conversation he has by me first, what else was he to do?

But he volunteered it. He wasn't put on the spot, he didn't have to say anything about me.

God, he could have talked about the football.

If, but, should have.
FFS it’s like watching someone having a fight in an empty room.
It is done now.
Either ask him not to do it again or keep driving yourself mad forever.

Ok! OK!! He was (in your view) indiscreet at a pub.

Kill him or release him back out into the wild.

Those are your only two choices. You can be mad, stay mad, sulk or rage at him but in the end what is done is done. So either bin him for being a stupid, indiscreet, disloyal cunt or get over it.

I have saved you thousands of pounds in therapy because these are always and forever your choices.

Keep lashing out and soon you will be lamenting not only the loss of your job but also the loss of your partner.

I think it’s a lose-lose kind of thing. I’m sure it wouldn’t have gone down very well if he’d given a detailed account of your trauma to this man. If he described you that way to his own mum or best friend it’d be different.

I think it’s very relevant whether you are a teacher or work in a school. Because if the man said oh it’s busy because of all the teachers/end of term, and your DP said “oh, SoAngry was a teacher’s assistant but she’s just been let go” he was mentioning you because you were the first connection his mind made. He didn’t go into the whole
drama, he just mentioned it in passing.

It’s so extremely raw for you, but he didn’t think he was hurting you by saying this. You told him how angry you were in front of all the other people there - most people would find that humiliating you know.

But he volunteered it. He wasn't put on the spot, he didn't have to say anything about me.

Many of us get that. You've made it very clear. You've told him not to do that again.
Are you always so unforgiving about others' mistakes? Even when they have been supporting you?

OP, I’ve given up reading your posts because it’s clear you won’t accept anything but an affirmation of your own feelings.

If you’re going to go back into employment, do it with a healthy dose of therapy on your side, because it is not normal to feel this tied to your job.

My recommendation is some primal screaming.

Get yourself to a secluded place, railway tunnel, mountain top and scream.

Or punch bag and kick the absolute shit out of it.

Nobody is responding as if he was obliged to. Most people are saying if he has been a good, supportive partner let it go. They are also saying you are directing your anger at that wrong person. And you need to let out some rage.

So listen or fill the 40 pages of this thread up by repeating what DP said, and directing your rage at him. It won’t help and he may well resent you for it.

I think this essentially nails it OP.

He phrased it in a way you didn’t like. Explain to him that you don’t want him to mention it again and if asked he should say “xxxx”.

You’ve described a very supportive and caring partner. This really does feel like misdirected anger.

He was making social small talk in a way that he obviously felt was acceptable. He wasn’t being deliberately unkind or dismissive. He's apologised. Your continued anger is such a huge overreaction it demonstrates that you really would benefit from some counselling.

Also, you want to continue describing yourself as a teacher, or whatever other job it is that you did before, which is up to you. But at some point there’s the risk that someone will ask “ah great, what school/college are you at?” - or whatever other location is appropriate. You need to think about how you want that answered too because otherwise your partner will end up accidentally putting his foot in it again. Obviously if you start work again in the same job this isn’t an issue but it doesn’t sound as if that’s on the cards for now.

This thread has been going for 7+ hours and you sound no less angry with him now than you did at the beginning.

Am sorry for what has happened to you. Employers can be awful, even if you have given many years of your life to the organisation. It just takes a change of approach, a few personalities. Managing people out which sounds as though that may have happened to you is one of the nastiest and cruel things that too many organisations indulge in. One minute you are fine, the next you aren’t. They kept you on for years. And then decide not to.

But you will need to move on. And realise that once you have gone I expect some other poor person will have the finger pointed in their direction. Organisations that thrive on bullying operate in such a way.

You have left now. You have a new life. Focus on new beginnings. And yes, you still identify with your role and what it meant to you in terms of identity.
Of course you will. You are more than the job role you used to have though.

I don’t think your DH meant upset you. I suspect he was just talking generally about you both as a couple. And you leaving work was a significant happening. So he mentioned it. But he should have understood nobody likes to broadcast they have been ‘let go’. But didn’t realise how hurt you would be by mentioning it.

I think you've got it wrong - quite understandably. Your situation was obviously on his mind, probably all he was thinking about, which is why he mentioned it, but rather than share the whole horror & distress you were feeling with an acquaintance he minimised it into something minor, something that wasn't of great consequence to you. It was a kind of loyalty thing. That's how I see it from your description anyway.

Just to add because I initially missed this bit from your post:

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

I think not only are you being overly harsh towards him, I also think you owe him an apology for speaking like that to him in front of your friends.

You’re upset about an inaccurate passing remark he made to a casual acquaintance but think it’s ok to bollock him in front of a group of friends that he’ll no doubt have to see again?! How humiliating for him.

I know you’ve had a rough time OP but yours aren’t the only person whose feelings matter.