I am so angry with and feel so hurt by my partner.

[SoAngryAboutThis]

I'm just so angry about this that I can't work out how to address it.

I have had the worst 18 months of my professional life and it culminated with me leaving my much loved employment two days ago. I'm not going to go into detail about that because I'm not looking for opinions or advice on that.

And it would be instantly recognisable to other colleagues and stakeholders if i did. Suffice to say that I'm devastated about what and in the way things have been done. And I'm not alone in that. It is not something I deserved or have caused in any way.

This isn't just 'a job'. It is something I've done for 20+ years, it's not just what I do, it's a core part of who I am. Even if I never stepped foot in that environment again, it's still how I would describe myself or at least would until I choose I no longer want to describe myself in that way.

My partner knows this. He has listened, he has supported not just me but my colleagues too (I'm not the only person who has been targeted), I couldn't have got through the last 18 months without him. Frankly, it's been traumatic.

On Friday (my last day at work), he and I went out with a couple of colleagues (who have become very valued friends). I saw my partner talking to someone we both vaguely know. I mean so vaguely that we recognise him to say hello and briefly pass the time of day with but neither of us could remember his name and I don't imagine he remembers ours either - just a face we recognise in the crowd.

I overheard him mention the name of my previous employer.

When he came back to sit with us, I asked what had been said and he glibly replied, "Oh I just told him you used to be a _ but they let you go,"

Used to be a _? Let me go? I was lied about, disregarded, undervalued, overlooked and sidelined for 18 months because my face no longer fit. I was sent to A&E with a suspected heart attack earlier this year through stress. I've cried and felt a sense of loss akin to when my marriage ended.

And he's minimised it to I used to be be a _. I didn't used to be anything. I still am.

I am so angry that he not only reduced the last 18 months to such a simple sentence but that he reduced one of the most devastating and painful periods of my life to chit chat outside a pub to someone whose name he doesn't even remember. I was so angry, I said this in front of my friends. He did apologise and then said, "It's OK, he wasn't even really listening."

That does NOT make it OK.

I am still so angry. I'm angry that he said it, I'm angry that he minimised it in that way. I'm angry that he shared my personal information with a stranger. Angry that he gave this incredibly painful and personal part of me and my life to someone else who didn't even care that he was hearing it and on my last day when he knew how upset I was. And it's also made me feel that I don't want to share personal things with him. How can I give him anything of myself when he treats it with such little care?

He doesn't treat me with little care and it doesn't reflect what he thinks or feels about me but to be so careless with his words...

I need to speak with him but I need to get it clear in my head what I'm going to say and to process the anger here so that I can communicate it effectively.

I am also aware that some of my anger is related to.the situation but I just feel so betrayed by him. I've been made to feel that I don't matter at work for the last 18 months and this has just compounded it.

What was going on with you was at the forefront of his mind. Which is understandable.

He spoke out of turn. Possible factor - alcohol.

You don't know exactly what was said - he reported back a summary that may have made it sound worse, because he was caught off guard and probably realising his error in horror.

Yes, it was shit, but I don't think it's worth fighting over.

You say he's been loving and supportive-with a stranger he can hardly (and shouldn't) go into massive detail. Even though everyone can respect if you've been a nursery manager (eg, as understand you don't want to say) for 60 years, the fact is if you're not working in it, then at that time period you're literally not a nursery manager-even if you feel you're one, for example, you can't tell your car insurance company you are, you would have to say you're unemployed, or whatever you are doing.
Emotionally, this might feel wrong, and everyone should have sympathy for you. But that is not his fault, if he's been caring as you say, and it seems unfair you're taking things out on someone you say has been so good. If he is stating a fact, did you want him to lie?

Exactly 😂

I'm guessing it's teaching you're talking about.

If it is, and you want a hand-hold, I went through the same thing 8 years ago, and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.

But for what it's worth, I wouldn't discount 18 months of loyal and constant support over one throw-away comment to a virtual stranger. I can see that you're very angry and upset, but you're directing it at the wrong person. He isn't your enemy here. You are grieving a loss, and that can make people act in ways they wouldn't usually. I say it with love, having been there myself, you need to let it go.

Lol this poor man, amirite? Sounds like hes in for the telling off of the century. I have no doubt that what happened to you was terrible and wrong. But your partner made an unimportant slip, while unaware that it would upset you. You've corrected him, he wont do it again - end of.

Your anger and hurt is misplaced, you are massively, massively overreacting about what your partner did which was not that bad. You are all over the place, grieving and dealing with hurt, injustice and pain and you are lashing out at the wrong person.. Don't, before you lose him too.

I think she’s justified in being devastated by whatever has happened professionally, but I also think her deep ongoing anger at her dp is in danger of getting into drama llama territory.

We all have a tendency towards rumination, to allow social situations to go round and round in our head with no let-up.

We may overthink how much people are watching us, scrutinising use or judging our lives.

The reality is the acquaintance your DP was exchanging some small talk with, is right now caught up in their own job, their own family and their own personal shit. You can guarantee they aren't giving a moment's thought to you, they'll have forgotten the conversation. Neither of you even know each other.

Time to get things into perspective, and for god's sake don't jeopardise your relationship with your DP over something that doesn't matter. You're making it matter far more than you should.

ETA I've been where you've been re an era in my career that crashed and burnt. It was very very unpleasant, I had invested a lot of energy in it, but the most important thing I learnt was that no job is ever that important as to risk the best relationship I could wish for with my DH who was as supportive as your DP sounds.

I really, really don’t get the anger at the partner. If he posted on here, he would be reassured he’s blurted something out in passing, with no intent to harm.
OP is going to become even more poorly if she keeps this up. Next she will be angry with friends and loved ones and ultimately it drives people away.
If you have a career in teaching, medicine etc you will always be a teacher, or a doctor etc even if you aren’t working in the field.
Some random in the pub won’t remember any of it or give it a second thought.
It is hard having to let go of an identity. I had to sit in a PIP tribunal where I was treated like a professional liar until one panel member asked me what I ‘used to do’ before I become significantly disabled. It turns out we had a mutual friend - my old boss - and suddenly I was treated like a member of society again.
It takes time and therapy helps.
And all the skills you have can eventually be used again. Or you learn new skills or turn a hobby into work - that’s what I did and it changed my life.
The partner here is in danger of becoming poorly if they soak up any of this resentment and that’s unfair.

It was out of order but he sounds like he’s been wonderful and supportive throughout everything else. I think you’re right you’re just generally and from what tou say understandably angry at what has happened to you. Îd be wary of taking it out in him, he’s been your rock? Tell him to please not mention it again to anyone outside of your close circle and give him a chance . Good look, please remember when one door closes another opens you might look back on this job situation one day and think actually it turned out to be agood thing.

I think you're getting a hard time here. I agree he didn't need to say anything at all.

Gently, get over it.

Kindly, YABU. He's probably put up with a hell of a lot over the past 18 months and maybe is a bit burnt out too. Cut the guy some slack.

I know someone who was a university professor who was selected for and made redundant a few years ago and she cannot let it go. I felt bad for her at first but she has flooded social media with how unfairly she was treated and how she was better than all her colleagues and it should have been them not her. I dread to think how her husband feels having to deal with this and her handle is still “Professor X” on social media despite no longer working in academia. The OP’s posts are giving vibes of that.

Why would he go into all that detail with somebody you barely know?

Hear, hear.

👏

I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you with your work. Similar things have happened to me over the years.

I’m also sorry to see how many posters here want to belittle the situation when they know so little of it.

Unfortunately Mumsnet is absolutely NOT the supportive place it used to be ten years ago. The first two hasty posts show that very clearly. Some of the later posts are quite frankly gross insults to you.

Such a shame, Mumsnet…

You have been through enough; please don't put yourself in another battle.

If I were you, I would speak to a counsellor about all of this.

But he can't say "Oh, my partner is a _" if you currently are not?

I'm sorry you consider your job = your identity, that must be very painful. But it's a risky business tying your whole identity into a working role, for many reasons, including the one you now face.

What else are you? That's what matters, and perhaps what you've neglected.

You're lashing out. Let him know that you didn't like what he said, and tell him what you would prefer him to say (even if that is nothing at all).

Don't let your anger and hurt damage your personal relationships.

He made a mistake, you need let it go.

Very few posters are belittling the OP. Most see her great distress but feel her anger at her DP's error of judgement is disproportionate, given that he has supported her and her colleagues over eighteen months, which can't have been easy.

Many have advised therapy for her to talk through her pain with someone outside her relationship, which is sound and supportive advice, surely.

I do think you are directing some of the pain of your experience at him.
He probably didn’t think very hard about what he said nor its impact on you, it was just an idle chat in a pub.

I do wonder if hearing what he said out loud in some way made what happened to you even more real. He was saying in public one interpretation of the consequences of what has happened.

The tough reality is (an I have experienced escaping a very toxic work environment) that nobody understands the impact on you other than you and everyone else will move on quickly. Your old workplace will carry on, justice may never be done and people will assume fairly soon that you have got over it.

I would strongly recommend getting some counselling if you can as people will assume you are ok now that you have escaped.