DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

I was talking about getting therapy as a general thing, as I believe you were. Waiting a year and starting with medication is not good advice. As I said, do you think that the help that is given to disabled soldiers is "pathologising'? And do you think that their treatment pathway starts with "pills and wait a year"?

You sound exhausted OP and who could blame you? It’s such a lot to take on and it sounds like your DH has just thrown up his hands and left everything to you.

I hope you can get some respite soon. In the meantime, vent away, you’re allowed to be tired and angry and pissed off and hopefully this is a safe space to do that.

The office situation can be sorted another time, it his 'attitude' (for want of a better word) that needs sorting. Whilst it's him that is physically and emotionally affected, you are too Op . He needs to engage in family life a bit more, how you get him to though, I don't know.

@Gotitthanks You can tell him that either he interacts with you or he can just move out because it wouldn't make a difference. Tough love might wake him up.

My heart goes out to you OP and your husband too.
This set up isn't sustainable and as hard as it is, a frank discussion between you needs to be had.
So important to take care of yourself OP.
If this isn't addressed, your resentment will grow and this will be for the long term detriment of all.

It sounds like you're exhausted by the situation. Having work permanently in the middle of your family space, alongside the challenges of adjusting to his disability, is a lot for everyone.
Could you agree on a set "finish time" a few evenings a week, even if he makes the hours up elsewhere? Having protected family time, however short, might help everyone feel like work isn't taking over the house. Even one or two evenings a week could make a real difference.

that's why i keep saying get help. Assessment for him if he will accept it, either way carer's assessment for the OP

Can you withdraw from the space and move elsewhere? It may not seem fair but it might be your only option for a while.
See how it goes as a marriage for the next year.

This sounds incredibly tough on you, OP. I'm so sorry.

Could you tell us about upstairs in your house? What's it like at the moment? Does your husband see it as a problem at all?

What do you have to do for him on a daily basis? I was wondering whether you'd be able to have the odd break with the children.

Get some counselling together and separately. This sounds like a traumatic shift all round. Your local carers support group (the GP/social prescriber can connect you) would also be worth joining.

I would also discuss with him how best you can all make this work. Boundaries are reasonable.

Omg I so relate to what you are saying.
I've lived with similar and it's sooo difficult.

Feeling frustrated that any bit of energy that dh had left went on work with us always a poor second. The feeling of being like a ghost.

Even selfishly feeling bitter that wasnt he amazing for still working when I was picking up the slack in every other aspect of life. Plus I couldn't really speak to dh about any of this because some how it was ok for him to speak about being ill and impaired but I couldn't..

Yet I'm fairly sure that I did a good job of not letting any of that show. At the same time, like you I could recognize the pain, loss and sheer attempt that dh was making to get on with life.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say it's adjustment . You are caring for your dh and that's a shift. Part of that is caring more for the DC, no one realizes how much illness/ disability can impact them until it happens

I have no pearls of wisdom just solidarity.

Things changed as my children got older
I have ups and downs still and I suppose the only thing I try and make sure I do, is to look after my wellness. If that means spending a bit more money on myself, days where I do less and just rest, so be it. I've stopped feeling guilty about it on the whole

It sounds very tough. Can you talk to him and explain how it is affecting you and the children. Hugs

God, this sounds unbelievably hard @Gotitthanks . I'm sorry for what you're going through.

You are not being selfish to feel the way you feel, or to need somewhere to talk about or vent. Disability affects the whole family.

As you say it's a time of big adjustment, you will figure out a way forward. What support do you have in real life? Have you been put in touch with an organisation that could help?

Don't really want to focus on the room, because from the sound of it at present you're limited as to what you can do, but could it help to have a room divider between him and the rest of you while he works? Either a screen or a curtain hung from the ceiling?

You need either a separate space for working/living or he needs to better at boundaries. Sitting working in the living room in the evenings when it should be back to being used for family time is not on and really pretty selfish of him. He of course needs adjustments and a lot of leeway to manage the effects of his disability, but he’s still part of a family.

I'd make the bedroom his office. He can clock on and off as necessary. Downstairs is a work free zone. It's for family. I was disabled for a time DH hated it. He once said
"I didn't sign up for this".

He mentioned divorce a few times. I tried really hard to function normally on two sticks. Pain was relentless. Everything took so long. I wasn't fun to be around.

So I see your frustration and unhappiness for your family. Sympathy is stretched thin. Hes angry himself. But it's not your fault, remember that. You didn't sign up for this. Set some boundaries.

It’s not just about having to adjust.
it’s about loss and grieving…..
you have lost ….
the man you married, as he is different now.
your hopes and dreams for the future.
his independence.
your independence.
finacial loss.
a less abled father for your children.

It is so fecking hard, the anger, the resentment, the loneliness.
You will find out who your friends are.

If it is too hard to take one day at a time, take one hour at a time.
choose your battles, walk away if you have to.

Even once you have “adjusted”, the anger, the resentment and the lonlieness won’t go away until you accept your new lifestyle. And acceptance could take years or may never happen.

One thing that helped me was, instead of being angry and resenting my husband, I learnt to be angry and resentful of the disability.

it took me a very long time to accept my adjusted life. Compared to what it was, my “new” lifestyle is totally, totally different, but I have finally accepted it,
and with that, I was able to move on.

I sincerely wish you luck and patience 💐

I am so sorry . It sounds like he is just using his ‘need to work’ as an excuse to avoid facing reality. Ghosting his wife and children is extremely selfish ; he is being completely blind to the impact on you . I might get slated for saying this but your life has been devastated too . I am praying you have someone who is hearing your pain - not just thinking how bloody competent you must be for coping.You definitely need to vent as the life you knew before and expected in the future has just gone. It is grief, anger and frustration in one; I know - I have been in the same situation and your plight will be ignored if you don’t say how bad it is to someone you can trust.
And think if the tables were turned ? Would he tiptoe around you and accept what you are being told to accept. Respect how you are feeling now because it is honest and real.
He needs to change and understand he is still a husband and father - if he can’t or won’t you have decisions to make to keep yourself and children happy and healthy. Stay as you are and you will suffer
Good luck

Sorry - it looks like I have repeated the message posted above while I was typing. The message is the same

OP I feel you.
I get irritated with DH using our tiny lounge as an office as we have small children and it's a right PITA to have to work around him.
Your situation is.much worse.

You've answered your own question there.

You want advice but don't want to be mean to him so the answer is to go and live somewhere else. Doesn't sound like it would make much a difference if you're doing everything anyway

Really feel for you OP. Put a camping toilet and a comfy chair, kettle, musjc pod etc in the garden office, there's no excuse for him not to work there. Hubbie takes his meds down there and gets on with it. You take him cooling drinks etc when you can. Peace returns.

Sometimes yes, he is grieving, we dont jump on therapy for people who are in grief, its a natural process, but in any case the best recommendation for depression is to enable someone to engage in therapy, they may well need medication. This man isnt barely talking to his family, he isnt likely to engage in a therapy session, he only sleeps and works at the moment.

Sounds like you have both had a massive change in your life, which you have both got to adapt to. His way of adapting is just doing whatever he wants/needs and opting out of life. This is leaving you to pick up the pieces.
There will naturally be resentment on both sides.
There have got to be some ground rules in place to allow you to both move forward.
If work are happy with him doing the bare minimum, then he has to agree to do what he can achieve within work hours ie 9 and 5, M-F. Outside of that time, he needs to be involved in family life, even if it's just watching a film with the children.
Whilst work is an escape for him, he still has family that needs him. You cannot carry this burden alone.
His chair needs moving out of the main living space outside those times and a blanket thrown over work table etc.
It maybe that he can refer himself for counselling through GP in order to support himself.
I'm disabled - not to the same extent as your DH but we all have to adapt to the new normal. I spend a lot of time in bed but I do try and be involved in family life whenever I can.

Sending support, you are in a tough situation. Just wanted to say when my DH was on strong painkillers he was like a different person and with the pain he couldn't focus on anything or anyone else. It was a temporary situation thankfully but I did express my unhappiness while acknowledging that none of it was his fault. You are allowed to be irritated, frustrated and angry despite his condition being nobody's fault. You can vent away, not everything can be solved.

Right DH, from 5 - 8 pm is family time. We need you to log off and be present.
Even if it’s only to eat dinner with us, ask us about our days, and read stories on the sofa.

The rest of the day is for you to work and sleep as you need to.

Hope things get better