DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

If I understand correctly, you have a home office downstairs, but his specialised chair doesn’t fit through the door? Can you:

• have the door enlarged - and/or
• get a second chair for him

Total estimated cost: enlarging door £1000 + additional chair £2000 = £3000

Apologies if I’m missing something.

@Enrichetta honestly that would be a massive expensive and a lot of work. And yes if he was inclined to work in it it would be different! It’s a really small study area at the front of the house; the last owners had it as a sort of toy / book / study area for their DDs.

@Gotitthanks So DH can rent a studio nearby. That way you can go and see him but you won't have his presence non-stop.

Are you trying to be funny?

Sorry, I honestly don’t want the thread to turn horrible but have you read it at all?

Would some of the other ideas work in the short term? It's just to give you and the kids a bit of space if you feel you can't relax with him working in the lounge? Or talk to him about hours? In terms of the life, him working in evenings is surely fine if it's past bedtime, but that late afternoon/duvet/bedtime but needs to be protected time.

@Hohumbrumbrum it isn’t just about the work, is the problem. People have really fixated on it. Just now I was downstairs wrapping DDs presents and I said to him about arrangements for tonight (certain level of complexity arranging different children in different places so friends are helping our) and he was just grunting at me, those sort of ‘uh’ noises where you know someone’s zoned out.

This is happening more and more and a gulf is opening and rapidly widening with me and the children on one side and DH on the other. That’s why I could have a walking escalator from the house to the fictitious garden office and I would still be posting here, in relationships.

I have read all your posts OP. I’m an Occupational Therapist in a pain service. I can absolutely sympathise with the situation you’re in. The lack of understanding and the faux ‘I was only making a suggestion’ posters on here are awful.

One observation I have made in my professional career is that men can ‘opt out’ of life much more easily than women. The patients I see will all be concerned about managing their pain and the impact on daily life. But it’s the female patients who will consider the wider impact on everyone else.

I am sure some people will trot along and tell me I’m wrong, but time and time again the first priority for females in chronic pain will not be the same as male patients.

its such a shit situation for everyone with no good answers (not that you’re looking for any).

It’s a very salient observation @TherW and I’ve said the same myself, with parenting especially. DH is able to opt out in a way i know I wouldn’t be able to.

What an absolutely stupid comment to make - you obviously haven't read the posts - you should be ashamed! Go and comment on a rubbish post about meaningless stuff - the Op needs help and support!

Part of me wonders if strong painkillers are dulling his senses to what is happening around him, but if he’s able to work (productively??) maybe not. Just a spidey sense…

I've seen it as well, with families where one parent goes through something that primarily impacts them (illness, job loss etc), but also has a knock-on effect on their family unit. Without fail, if it's a woman, she's worrying about her family and what she can do to mitigate it, and if it's a man, they're mainly thinking of how it impacts them.

Of course, it's a generalisation and I'm sure that's not how it is with every family, but it's how I've seen things play out in my social circle. (Also it doesn't mean the women are automatically saints and the men are automatically bad)

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP, it sounds bloody tough and I hope you all come through it to a brighter future, sooner rather than later.

So very sorry you are going through this.

It sounds very traumatic and stressful for all of you.

I have many disabilities and work at home too (when I am able to) but in a room away from the family. I also do flexible hours as my disabilities can fluctuate and some days I am able to work more than others.

I think you are definitely right in saying that your husband is throwing himself in to work for his mental wellbeing. He may also be thinking that when he is sat comfortably and not in as much pain that he is providing for you and proving his worth. I know when I cannot work I just feel like such a burden.

As you said though pain exacerbates parts of your personality and takes so much away from not only the person in pain but their loved ones who are trying to keep everything together and keep everyone fed, clothed, clean and looked after but you doing all of this especially when you go back to work won’t be sustainable you sound very close to burnout now.

I recently had to apply for some benefits whilst on long term sickness due to my disabilities flaring. I got some advice from a lovely lady who suggested I contact my GP and ask them to put me in touch with their Social Prescriber.

I had never heard of this before and apologies if you have.

They are able to offer practical support and guidance and put you in touch with charities or government schemes that are able to assist you in difficult circumstances.

From speaking to my Social Prescriber I currently have self referred for talking therapy and other higher level types of therapy which is free. They have also passed my details on for adaptations needed at home. Grab rails/stair lift and such like.

I know this isn’t going to help you right at this moment with the current situation but they may be able to offer some practical and emotional support.

Take care

£3000 is massively expensive? Considering how his life changing injuries impact both him and his entire family I would consider it money well spent…

Yes, The pain is incapacitating him even more. & Yes, women still seem to have some empathy for the others impacted around their own trauma.
I'm so sorry. I don't suppose you could find a second chair on eBay ? I know it doesn't bring him back from his state of absence/disinterest, but the kids could at least have a lounge area without the omnipresent black hole ?

I think there are actually 2 different issues here.
The first one, and the one that you really want to let off steam about is that your DH is only focusing on work but has checked out of any other family relationships right now.

I agree there isn't much you can do about this for the moment. My advice would be to give him space and time to come to terms with things for now. Hopefully once he has better treatment and has had time to adjust, you will be able to address this with him. I am really sorry that this is happening and I can see how this makes you feel everything is on you.

The second issue is the practical one of him working at random hours in the lounge of a house which is fairly open plan and with two young children, one of whom at least is so young that they aren't going to really understand why daddy isn't responding.

This is what I think you might address before the summer holiday. However ill and in pain he is, you can't have him taking up that space with two young children at home needing to play and have fun. Their emotional and developmental needs are also important.

Whatever you do, you are going to feel like the "single parent" for now as he doesn't have the bandwidth to do any different. Yes, this is hugely unfair to you when you have also been coming to terms with things.

Find a place to vent and let off steam about it ( does your work offer employee counselling, are there any local carers groups that might help? ) but also you do need to find another practical solution. If you feel like the single parent now, will it really make much difference if he is working in another room and still detached from everything?

I understand that the chair is expensive. (Would his work be amenable to finding a second one, or at least part funding one,?)

You need to find a way to get him out of the lounge. You need to bite the bullet and tell him it just won't work during the summer holiday

I don't know the layout of your house but you need to find the least worst option that works.

This would be my advice.

Once he isn't impacting everyone to the same extent it will be easier to manage being the ( hopefully temporary) single parent.

I am so sorry this is such a difficult time for you op.

@Gotitthanks

I am here and reading and don’t have any advice but just want to give you some validation and show you support.

It’s a terrible situation for you. You exist! You don’t cease to matter just because your DH is also having a different kind of difficulty. Nor because your children need you.

I hope today is manageable and that you can find a few moments for yourself to breathe and take care of yourself, too.

I agree with @EducatingArti - I do think that you can and should have a conversation with him about how to manage the children and his home working over summer. That isn't being insensitive to his needs or disability - it's a practical issue that needs resolving, just like buying the chair and sorting out his medicine regime. Some things about his disability you can't go near, they'll take time to settle. Others, are just stuff that needs sorting out to make an unbearable situation more bearable, and this is one of them.

He's not there with you even when he's in the room with you, so why not set him up in the garden office...? I'M KIDDING I'M KIDDING!

But I would consider investing a couple of grand in a second chair if there's any way you can make it happen, so he can work comfortably AND the children can play comfortably. His needs don't trump theirs for a normal childhood. It's not selfish or insensitive to balance both. You say the study area is small - could the chair go in through the window? It really doesn't cost as much as you'd think to do this. And yes, it's extreme - but so is sudden disability. We are not operating in normal times here.

FWIW I understand everything you are saying, OP. This didn't just happen to your husband. It happened to all of you, and you are perfectly entitled to feel sad and angry about it, just as I'm sure your husband does. They're not helpful feelings but this soon into his diagnosis, they're entirely understandable.

My husband does this and he ISN'T disabled. Why can't you call him out on it? It's not his disability making him respond like that. You've posted in relationships, let's treat it like a relationship problem. What would happen if you said, "can you listen properly to me? I miss just talking to you."

I think the key phrase is:

'And yes if he was inclined to work in it it would be different!'

Possibly OP would be willing to suck up the expense if she knew that he would then work in his office once the alterations to the office had been done but she knows that he wouldn't use it.

Also, £3000 would be massively expensive for a lot of families.

Oh and also if this hasn’t already come up. There might be funding for necessary equipment through access to work. https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work

I have known equipment to be funded for remote workers that require specialist equipment due to their disability.

For what it's worth, if you were my friend in RL and came to me with this, looking for a rant because you're at the end of your tether and tired and stressed and hot, I wouldn't think you were an asshole. I think you're going through a really really hard time and I'd want to listen to you blow off some steam. You are not a bad person for being frustrated and pissed off. You don't need to be positive and filled with gratitude all the time. You're allowed be a human.

Totally agree.

FFS he can hardly walk and needs a specially ordered expensive chair to sit comfortably, and you think he can use a camping toilet ? And OP has already said the garden office is not an option because he can’t walk to it.

I’m a retired disability outreach worker and have received much the same response as yourself to the advice I’ve offered. Think I’m probably out too because I’m not sure what OP is looking for beyond sympathy - and that’s not going to do her or the rest of her family much good if they’re going to cope.

I agree. But there comes a point when the advice offered from a professional point of view and with the best of intentions is thrown back in your face by an OP determined to alienate the very people she’s posting to. I’m at a loss to know what she wants from this thread.