DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Thank you for this. It echoes my feelings.

I spent a lot of time supportively suggesting some hacks and tips to explore, to help the OP in all the areas she expressed difficulty in. But have been snapped at and sworn at by the OP.

It’s really upset and unsettled me TBH. It’s the last time I spend time trying to help and support someone on here.

I think that is pretty obvious that OP is looking for empathy and somewhere to vent.

There's a time to give advice and a time to try and fix things for someone. But OP isn't there yet.
Initially I posted advice too, but I soon recognised that OP 's needs were different at this point.

I'm sorry that this thread has been frustrating for you @Gotitthanks . I totally get how you must be feeling about this horrible life change.

When you're ready to look for practical solutions, only an OT will be helpful. And there may be charities out there that can offer free counselling for you (if you can get childcare).

There's me giving advice again. But I do empathise.

It's not about you. And surely, in your profession, you learn about the psychology of grief, and when you just need to listen?

I listen to everyone thanks. And my patients are usually pretty clear in what they’re actually seeking - and I support them with resolving their issues. Both mental health and physical health. The problem comes when someone says: “I’m struggling with X,Y,Z and really don’t know what to do”. So I really feel for them and suggest A,B,C. And they turn round and rip me a new arsehole for it in front of a forum full of strangers.

That doesn’t tend to happen to me IRL. If it did, I’d leave the NHS and be a professional keyboard warrior instead.

But the OP didn’t post a post about grief and the adjustment process! She posted a post chock-full of all the conundrums around the logistics, and the difficulty for the family with adapting to changed routines and physical limitations. She is understandably very stressed - both by the diagnosis and by the impact of it on their family life / living space.

I was trying to help mitigate the latter, in the hope of this helping a wee bit to dial-down at least one of the major sources of stress that the OP was about.

I’m surprised that you can’t see how they are linked, and that the OP is distressed by OH working in their shared living area. Is it really so inappropriate for some of us to reach out to help her problem-solve that??? Blimey.

But OP is not your patient. She has not asked for your professional help. She's just come on to a forum in distress.

If she was one of your patients, she would have come to you for your professional advice, so of course you would give it and expect her to respect it and accept it.

But OP is not your patient. She has come here for emotional support, not a fix. And if I, just a random Mumsnetter, was able to pick that up very quickly, a professional should surely have been able to, and not centre herself and take offence?

Literally the TITLE of her thread is about the toll that her DH working in the living room is having on the family!!! The entire reason for the thread was about the stress this is causing. She was posting here with a conundrum.

How on earth am I being ticked off for genuinely suggesting (out of compassion and care for a fellow MNer) ways to maybe address this conundrum? I’ve been there. I’ve had a DH who developed cauda equina when I had a 2yr old and was 7months pregnant. I’m trying to HELP. Because the OP said she doesn’t know what to do. Or was she just listing all the logistics issues for no reason?

I’m genuinely lost 😵‍💫

I think the only time I’ve been ‘snappy’ is when the garden office keeps being pushed, @AnNonnyMouse3 and @CRCGran . And given I asked nicely two days ago if posters could drop it I think that some level of irritation is both reasonable and to be expected.

I also don’t think it is true that I ‘snap’ when posters criticise DH. I’ve been quite critical of him myself. I am afraid he is not perfect and nor am I. I do become irritated when I have to keep repeating myself; he is perhaps more patient but more inclined to laziness and a certain degree of selfishness. We are human, we have traits that are wonderful and traits that aren’t so much.

As to what I want for my thread, I have actually explained and it says so in my OP, even. It is actually tiresome in the extreme having to justify to you and to another poster pissed off that I snapped at her why I’m posting on a support network when I’m the parent of very young children who is reeling from news that has devastated my family. I mean, I’m surprised you have to ask. But you’re not asking; what you’re really saying is you’re not happy with my replies.

To be clear though @AnNonnyMouse3 my swearing wasn’t at you. I actually said something like ‘please can we stop suggesting the fucking garden office’ and put a strike through the ‘fucking’ as a way of trying to jovially express my frustration with the suggestion as opposed to you personally. I am sincere when I apologise if this offended you, it was not aimed at you as such but the thread has somewhat fixated on the garden office, it’s annoying but it’s also taken on a bit of a cancel the cheque thing to it and I was trying to make light of this, badly it would seem.

In fact. Sod this. I don’t need an unjust pile-on when all I did was respond to a poster who’s very post was all about detailing a conundrum - I use my own personal experience plus a bit of insider OT tips/hacks and some kind suggestions for things to improve the situation a bit for the poor OP.

She was needlessly rude to me in response, and then more of you have chosen to stick the boot in. Well done everyone. Nice work.

And yet, as most threads go, things come to light that explain that actually the issue isn’t quite where it looks like I the first place.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask to read all if the OP’s posts and then answer what is really the issue rather than what it looks like in the first OP

It does sound like you’ve all had the hardest year. I hope things start to get better for your husband and you all.

I really don’t want to add to the unwanted advice here, but I do think you will need to change things around in your house to get through the summer holidays at least.

Could you switch the lounge and the office? Make the office into a playroom/ den where the kids can always access it, without having to share the space with their dad working there.

I found Covid lockdowns hard with small children and suddenly my DH working from home full time, without a set space as an office. He had a lot of work pressure and faced redundancy, so he was working all hours. We were all on top of each other and I missed the independence and freedom of life before. Looking back, I wish that I had made getting out by myself for a walk/ coffee/ food shop even daily a priority. I definitely could have done it - after the kids’ bedtimes, for instance.

Hope you are okay and you sound like you’ve been doing a great job of supporting everyone.

I'm in social work, and one of the most basic things we're taught in training is to listen first, and recognise the limits of your own expertise. Some of that training was with OT students (mental health) but perhaps that wasn't an opportunity you had.

The OP has been repeatedly clear that she wanted to vent about a shit situation she is grieving for, yet you come in and act like the expert with the answers, and you're surprised and pissed that you've had some abrupt, but still polite, responses. Either you've not bothered to read the OPs posts or you've ignored them, but basic courtesy is to at least filter and read the OP even if you're not going to read the rest.

OP, I think some people commenting on this thread are totally lacking in empathy and are seriously superior and judgemental.

I have had the good fortune in life never to have been in either your or your DH's position but I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you both.

Since it is you reaching out for help, that is what people ought to focus on. Your whole life has been unexpectedly turned upside down. Suddenly the future is riddled with all sorts of uncertainties. You are run ragged trying to hold things together and dealing with new caring responsibilities while providing some sort of normality for your young kids. And on top this, you feel like your home, that should be your safe space, is no longer your own.

In addition your husband has a case of having his fingers in his ears singing la la la la, while trying to navigate all his own shit.

Unfortunately while I can, to an extent, understand why you feel upset and frustrated I'm not sure I can offer much in the way of advice. Is there any sort of charity that offers a listening ear to those who find themselves in your position, or failing that a family member or friend who could listen and let you vent without judgement?

I hope you manage to find a way through this OP and that someone in real life will listen and give you a big hug. Sending you my very best wishes 💐

Thanks all, I don’t think anybody should feel bad about not offering advice. There just isn’t anything. I wish there was a way of turning the clock back but there isn’t, and we just have to muddle our way through. I feel like some moments in life have a definite before and after, like when you become a mum or lose a parent, and this is definitely one of them.

I never actually mentioned garden office.... you said you have an office downstairs and I asked whty his chair can't go in. It... and I stand by my previous post asking what you actually want.... o sm not being difficult... i just really have no idea....

Let me help you

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL

That was from the OP.

If you read a bit more I say to another poster am so grateful for your response, when people ‘get it’ it is really helpful. Thank you

So you understand that I’m sharing on here because it’s difficult to talk about in real life and it’s really helpful when people do understand and respond?

Your post was awful, it accused me of things I have not done or said. No one has been ‘shot down in flames’ and I have been grateful for those who do understand, but unfortunately large amounts of this thread are given over to ‘can’t he work in the garden / upstairs / well I wfh and it’s fine / go to the park’ ) your comprehension skills are poor as I haven’t ’barked’ at people saying I’m a single parent; I have said myself I am parenting alone and been barked at by others for having the temerity for doing so when DH is here and then you feign bewilderment at the fact we may not be able to move an enormous chair multiple times a day around a house.

And then you bring out the ‘poor kids’ thing which is a shitty blow and frankly shame on you.

And that WAS snappy, and you deserve it. Yes, my poor children are living in turmoil but that isn’t of my making, or my DHs, so do not lay the blame for that at my normal sized door I can’t get a specially adapted chair through

Hopefully that helps you understand, and if you still don’t understand, perhaps leave it.

I'm sorry Gotit, I so empathise with you, My situation is similar, it's not my H's fault, of course I understand, but I have unwittingly become the sacrificial lamb. I am now responsible for every single thought and action in this home, while for example, DH sleeps away the afternoon in the sitting room.
My H was selfish & emotionally unapproachable before this health issue, so I know he will not be amenable to being asked to go & have his siesta in his bedroom... leaving me/us to get on with being "healthy & normal" , able to speak on the phone without being listened in to, or just allowed to be something other than support animal, servant, helper.

When I talk to my friends they say I need to see a Psy. To which I reply I am not depressed, I am implicitly lucid, & I know this is my life now unless I choose to leave.
I'm told the therapy will help me accept & show me ways how to deal with it. (I doubt it)

Others say, "Throw money at it" (the problem), in your case it could be buy a 2nd chair, or somehow build a room onto your house, so that he could be comfortable in his office, but near the family. & get in help, this could include covering time for you to have respite.

But It seems your real issue is that he has switched off (mine has too but he had a massive Stroke, so you can no longer ask, beg, expect change) from normal family interactions & has possibly taken refuge in his work to prove he is still of value. it sounds like his health has given him a Joker to opt out of any family responsibility and interaction, & doesn't see or care that the elephant in the room is his constant presence/non presence

I know how shit it is, I wish I could offer a solution. What I do know nearly 4 years on, is that if I was younger I would eventually have left, It is slowly destroying me. It is not a life, there are only so many sacrifices that you can make. & my H incapable of recognition. it's thankless, It's endless.
Clearly it is too early for you as there is a possibility of improvement. & your DC are young.
But however hard it is, I think you need to tell him, without conflict, where you are at, what problems have fallen in to your lap too, & discuss what can be done to alleviate them before you arrive at crisis point.

Still not said why his chair can't go in downstairs office....

Or why lounge can't be in this downstairs office instead if the chair is stuck there.

Right, so do you understand that DH can’t sit on any other chair or sofa or anything without being in massive amounts of pain? Just checking we’re up to speed? I don’t just mean ‘that’s a bit uncomfortable’ I mean, agonising cramping pain. He’s on Lorazepam, Naproxen, Oramorph and Tramadol. Does that help give an idea of the level of pain he’s in?

And you also get that it’s not a small chair, it’s a large one that’s heavy and has to plug into a wall socket?

So can you now see why moving it from the lounge to the small home office in the morning and again in the evening isn’t practical? It would actually be impossible because it won’t fit but I’ll be polite and acknowledge you don’t know the home layout.

@cooldarkroom one of the things I’ve discovered is that chronic pain robs you of who they were once, even if they were decent beforehand (which doesn’t seem to be the case for you) - DH broadly was but was always a hit happy to leave the heavy lifting with children and so on to me. Now though he is just broken, physically and mentally

And I am annoyed. I shouldn’t have to explain or justify to anybody. If something isn’t possible or practical then it isn’t, and explanations shouldn’t be demanded in this way on a thread like this.

Oky doke !!!!

And (sorry but I actually have a minute to reply here!) as I keep saying there is a psychological impact here as well as a practical one.

’DH, I understand you have received devastating and traumatic news that you are still in shock about. You are not going into the office to see colleagues / friends; you are not driving all over the country to meet clients, you aren’t taking your son on bike rides or putting your daughter on your shoulders on family walks any more and probably never will again. You’re low, teary (yes I do see it) and grief stricken at everything taken from you. But please fuck off out of my sight because it’s really hard parenting the kids with you sat there on your laptop.’

I mean obviously I wouldn’t put it like that but come on … I can’t do that to him now, can I? In the future we may need to have conversations about what’s best for the children and DH himself but not at this point, not a month after diagnosis!

Has he returned to work immediately after this accident or did he have a period off sick? Could/would he take more sickness absence for a while at least?

@Runsaway DH hasn’t had any time off as such but as he said to me ‘I can work if I’m hooked up to a hospital bed on a drip’ and I did tell him quite firmly he would not (but he probably would!)

Work is an escape for him and I think it helps his self esteem which has nosedived too. I do understand that. DHs work has always kind of been the third person in the marriage; like I say I won’t pretend everything was amazing beforehand, there were irritations and niggles on both sides I dare say. DH gets caught up in his work and forgets that I work too albeit part time and I shouldn’t have to do everything; I leave lids off things, get annoyed with him too easily and spend too much money on non essentials (we dispute what essentials are) all was well in a small village in middle England, if you like. Then this happens and it has been and is really, really hard. On a practical level I can manage at the moment but I am dreading the school holidays and beyond I guess we’ll just have to see.