DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

FFS - catch yourself on. Or at least read the thread.

No, I said some points were good ones and I pointed out that although your situation is not quite the same as that of a single parent, you are also a carer for your DH, which adds to the extra responsibilities you’re taking on. You still haven’t answered my question - and that of several other posters. Is this a permanent disability or temporary ? If permanent is it likely to improve or get worse ? If it’s degenerative then it adds another layer of complexity. The diagnosis came in June according to your post upthread - it’s only halfway through July now. He needs time to process this and adjust - do you not think that things may improve with input from some of the support services mentioned throughout the thread ?

The reason people are getting at you is you’re making it all about you. And it’s not helpful. Just because you think you’re being helpful doesn’t make it so. And it’s a lot of people saying it not just the OP. But now you’re derailing the thread by playing the victim.

It’s not your thread and please, please stop with the ‘helpful’ suggestions.

I sometimes wonder how people read things and miss the main points. Forgive me if I’m wrong (I’ve read but may have missed or be off base). Also some people seem to think this is Aibu not relationships!

@Gotitthanks I think the most, if not helpful, maybe “comforting” reply you could have is “yes it’s an absolutely shit situation and you must be struggling and finding it very hard”. So yes it is, and yes you must be. Nothing wrong with saying that. You need to be heard/ancknowledged and not what-abouted to make it all about your DH.

Of course I could make hopefully helpful suggestions like eBay sell good condition speicliaae like riser/electric chairs as people can buy them for elderly parents who sadly die soon after etc. if there is a relevant organisation/charity, they may offer a befriending/support for you as well as DH. Sedatives or medication to aid sleeping can be good. It is very easy to become self centred ( not selfish please note) when you have pain and fatigue and life changing conditions.

i don’t know if you’ve both been able to have a completely honest discussion about what the future looks like and (perhaps after taking the time to get support from relevant/charities)what you Would both find helpful.

I’d also say just because people are disabled, it doesn’t mean they can’t be dicks, or unreasonable. Said as the disabled spouse!(as you can probably tell from any errors in this post!)

But most important yes it’s an absolutely shit situation and you must be struggling and finding it very hard. Please don’t be ashamed to tell people. Hopefully you have people in your life you can be honest with ans they will support you.

I think when you post four times in rapid succession just to be critical of a poster and then are surprised that poster is somewhat riled by your responses then perhaps bowing out might indeed be best.

I would like to thank you all for the kind responses that don’t needle and badger me, demanding to know why I’m posting (ffs it’s obvious and even if it wasn’t I’ve said so, repeatedly!)

It really isn’t just one of those ‘oh get another chair’ sort of things is the problem. It’s a very sensitive and upsetting situation for everybody and I’m trying to navigate my way through it. The fact that DH is the one most majorly impacted doesn’t mean that my life hasn’t dramatically changed for the worse.

At the moment we don’t get any benefits but DH will almost certainly qualify for PIP, however it isn’t a fortune and we have to be mindful I’ve lost money and will continue to do so as I can’t work much while this is ongoing. So yes £3000 is a lot of money.

It is true we need to talk properly but I feel the time isn’t right now. It’s too raw and sensitive for our thing and for another there’s still a lot of unanswered questions about exactly what future will look like.

If anyone hasn’t taken kindly to this response please don’t come back just to bristle and bustle and announce your great hurt taken at this. I’ve got very little adult company (though friends have been great) DH has retreated into himself and I spend my days with either small children or with him. Having to justify myself constantly on here ‘this is why I posted, this is the raison d etre for the thread; this is what I’m seeking’ is to be very blunt indeed tedious as hell.

It sounds like a very very sad thing for you all, and you need to be able to express that without having to justify/explain.
There's a lot of losses you are all suffering, and you in particular are feeling the load the most, and my heart goes out to you Op

Thanks @crikeymikey123 . It really is an incredibly heavy load.

You have told us in great detail about the enormous amount of pain medication he is on. It is no wonder he zones out. It is so hard for you all in this situation, I cannot imagine being faced with so much going on. You all have my total sympathy. Big MN hugs to you all and I hope you find some solace in the future.

No one owes you any answers. Perhaps if you aren’t getting what you want out of a thread you could go start another one. (About yourself).

I don't get why a conversation would be so difficult if I'm honest. Obviously you wouldn't phrase it that you get driving me nuts because you always in the room and you are zoned out.

It will be more the conversation you'd be having ahead of summer holidays anyway - should we work out how we can make this work best?

It doesn't seem a very controversial subject to me. It's not remotely negative because you're working out together how to facilitate his working (which given the financial hit is super important), with the kids being around.

If you're not used to him working from home a lot it might be you've not had this conversation before, but it's literally being had millions of times up and down the country.

Have you ever been in this exact position?

Her DH is dealing with a major health event, pain, uncertainty and liminality. He’s also a man.

Because he’s largely disengaged from me.

And we wouldn’t be having the conversation anyway, no.

Thanks @TheHatTrick . (The answer to the question which I must have missed is just I don’t know!)

thank you @Dobeebeedah

I think it’s because implied in the conversation is “Having you in the lounge is really difficult for us” which would be a difficult thing to imply when you know he’s struggling already.

Maybe there is a way to approach it that comes across differently. But right now I think you need more understanding and less advice. I can’t problem solve when I’m trying to wrap my head about the fact that I have a right to my own feelings.

I've dealt with a life-changing traumatic diagnosis within a family, yes. This specific circumstances, no. But certainly one which required both myself and husband to change our working patterns, and make huge changes in life.

Disengaged or not it's not a controversial thing to discuss. If I've misunderstood, the the OPs husband has disengaged to such an extent he refuses to engage in all conversation, then I get it, but that also likely means he needs some MH support.

The conversation doesn't need to be in a confrontation, or negative way. It could even sound supportive of him 'can we take 5 minutes to work out a way of you managing to work whilst the kids are around on summer holidays'. It's really not a confrontational topic unless it's made into one.

And oh yes, you did express that the full picture was not yet clear earlier in the thread.

I think it might seem confrontational to the op because she's not used to juggling kids in the summer and someone working from home. But I guess for those that are, its really not.

I’m sure there is @TheHatTrick , it’s just right now, less than a month after diagnosis when everyone’s still reeling and adjusting it doesn’t feel like the right time to start laying down the law about where he can work and at what times, given that is one of the few things that he seems to be engaging with? And honestly DH has always veered towards being a bit inconsiderate when WFH anyway; that’s not me suggesting he’s some sort of demon, just loud one sided conversations lasting forever, mess in the kitchen, come on get the kids wound up go out again … but it was only a couple of days a week and so I largely just managed around it. It’s more difficult now of course and that’s even without the levels of pain, the fact the children don’t fully understand, the depression I dare say that he’s suffering from. I am dreading summer BUT it is finite and I’m looking at it as 31 days of August to get through!

It isn’t that it’s a confrontational topic it’s just that if DH doesn’t think there’s anything to discuss then there isn’t and that’s all there is to it! I speak from bitter experience!

You really are quite insistent that this is merely a man working from home and juggling children problem and it isn’t.

It really isn’t OP, and some posters just don’t get it. It’s you being a main carer for an adult and having children to parent into the mix.

On a wider level OP has communication between you always been a bit tricky? At least that's the impression I'm getting.

I'm coming at things from the assumption that you are in a long relationship where before this you were able to discuss stuff that was tricky, but you also had good communication in your everyday lives.

If that wasn't the case, then I can see why my suggestion of discussing managing the summer might be trickier.

Crisis events like this can often amplify challenges that pre existed - but the cracks become chasms.because you've got less reserves to smooth them over, less positive things going on to make them seem less of an issue etc.

Are you able to take any time to be more of a couple (I know this probably sounds sounds Impossible, with young kids plus disabled husband plus you shouldering everything), but just 10 minutes occasionally of sitting together , perhaps sharing a cake, or watching a film together, might make you both feel a bit better. When my child was incredibly ill we'd do that to try to reconnect, even if it was 10 minutes over chips in the parents room. You need to feel like more than a mother and a carer.

Absolutely get it. It is not the time, from my perspective.

I have had that experience (won’t talk about things if he doesn’t see a problem) with mine and he’s not in the same condition. 💐

And then why try? It would only end up making you feel more isolated if you were to express your needs and not get any acknowledgment.

I've read the thread. Op is sick of having him in the lounge non-stop and it's not possible to put him elsewhere. He's not interacting with the family- just in a work bubble. So a studio where he can work and sleep would give the OP some peace to exist in her own home.

I absolutely agree that no one owes me any answers, least of all OP if she feels it’s too outing. But if OP is looking for practical advice, the questions I (and several other posters) have asked are directly relevant to the situation. I’m not trying to get anything ‘ out of’ the thread other than to try to support OP based on many years of professional experience in disability support. Maybe before you post to insult people, you should read the full thread, because this makes you look ridiculous.

Indeed, as well as grief and exhaustion and deep sadness on all sides.

@Hohumbrumbrum i wouldn’t say so. But we have been ‘in the trenches’ for what feels like a long time and would probably have started to emerge form it in the next twelve months, bleary eyed and confused - but this has happened.

@ThreadGuardDog I am not looking for practical advice; I’d have shared a lot more medical info if so. I’ve posted in relationships.