Actually there are some very good points in that post, and they come from experience. I asked OP upthread to provide some details that weren’t too outing for context - how long ago, whether it was an accident or the onset of disability, and if disability, is it permanent/degenerative. All of these things are crucial to know because they have an effect on how he will handle the psychological effects. An accident or illness having short term/temporary effects won’t be as hard to process as a permanent disability and if it’s degenerative that’s a huge mental load to process. OP ignored that post and the details I asked for are being drip fed in response to other posters.
What we know so far is that the symptoms of pain and discomfort started in May and the diagnosis came in June. I’m going to get flamed for this but we’re still only mid way through July, so exactly how long has this poor bloke had to come to terms with the changes in his life before OP is on the internet making it all about her ? Six weeks maybe ? If that.
We still don’t know if the changes are temporary or permanent, or whether he has a degenerative condition - not sure why OP is reluctant to share this information because it’s very relevant.
I was a disability support worker for over twenty years, and am significantly disabled myself, so this is not coming from nowhere - l have extensive experience of supporting newly disabled adults, and for someone to go from able bodied to disabled, in a such a short space of time, in pain and reliant on others can be utterly devastating. If he has something degenerative the impact on his mental health will be huge because there will be the added stress of knowing he will have to watch himself deteriorate and be ever more reliant on others.
If OP is just here sounding off to cope with the stress, that’s more than understandable, and she’s already indicated that she’s not leaving him, which is a huge commitment, so she and her kids need support themselves. But she appears to be floundering with the fact that her DH is not engaging on any level. What l’m saying is give him time. You can’t expect someone to bounce back and be ready to face new challenges and consider how their situation affects others. until they’ve come to terms with it themselves and six weeks is a drop in the ocean.
OP if you haven’t already, contact social services and ask for a carers assessment for yourself and a care provision assessment for your DH. That’s the starting point. From there you can ask for local authority OT to visit the house and assess what needs to be done. There’s some equipment you’ll get free and that can be helpful, but ultimately it sounds as though major changes are needed to improve things, and for that it’s a disabled facilities grant. Not sure if you have a stairlift, but if not there are private companies you can rent from. Lots of info on Google.
DFG is assessed on joint income and savings/capital and there is an AI online tool that can help you calculate how much help you’re likely to get - just google it - but from experience it’s very difficult to secure unless you’re in LA property or on means tested benefits, so when things settle a bit you may want to consider whether a move to something more suitable would be better than the cost and upheaval of adaptations. If DH is amenable I would also suggest looking at wheelchair use if walking is painful/difficult. It can help enormously with independence, but again, it takes time come to terms with the nee for it. Your GP can help with a referral to local NHS wheelchair services for an assessment.
OP l know this is so hard to come to terms with, but it’s very early days and your DH needs time to process what’s happening to him before he can appreciate the effect on everyone else. Maybe give him a bit of space and if things don’t improve, contact your GP to see if they can offer any help.