DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

Great; you’re better than me

It is different when you both work from home. And perhaps is dependent on your home, hours and even the nature of that work.

He should really be working upstairs in the summer holidays. It’s not much to ask. Then he can come down at a set time to spend an hour or so with them while you sort dinner and then eat dinner together at least.

My disabled partner eventually took on all the house admin like bill paying, phone calls, emails and online food shops since I was doing all the physical stuff.

‘Come down’ he can barely walk!

It might help (if you want any suggestions) if you give some information on how long he's had this disability for? Whether it was sudden (perhaps more of a shock) and whether you are able to talk together about how you manage family stuff/who does what these days?

What about him taking on admin stuff as a poster suggested?

He manages to get downstairs in the morning and go upstairs to bed doesn’t he? Or did I miss that his whole set up is downstairs?

You’re being very rude to posters who are on your side and trying to help you.

Surely moving some bedroom furniture (wardrobes etc) downstairs so the chair/desk can be in the bedroom would work. Or the toddler moves in with you or a sibling and he uses their room as a study.

There are lots of options but I'm not sure the op is in a position to consider constructive options.

@Hohumbrumbrum he started experiencing high levels of discomfort and pain earlier this year but I would say has been crippled since end of May, and we got a diagnosis in mid June. So very early days in many ways.

He does some admin stuff but children’s things do tend to fall to me.

I really feel for you. Sounds like you’re having the toughest time and you all need some real practical help. Like an intervention that can just make you all pause and reassess the situation that you’re in now. Apologies as I haven’t read every single comment, but how might he respond if you were to write some points down? Like structure it like a work email with points that need to be actioned. Men are great at ignoring us and framing it all as nagging. Get AI to help formulate some factual points that aren’t accusatory and written in a tone where you can work on it together but with some definite deadlines. Maybe you’ll get a response that way and he’ll have to stop burying his head in the sand. I mean, it’s understandable that he’s developed his own coping mechanisms but there’s other people to consider here. He made vows to you too remember.

It's incredibly early days for him (and you) to come to turns with the impact of his diagnosis and what it means for the future. It's not surprising that he's finding space in retreating into himself if he is literally weeks into a worrying diagnosis.

For the first few months (IMO at least 6) he should be able to work through this, with love and support without being pushed to engage with things he's not ready for. Then gradually bring him back to family life. If to not go crazy that means you moving a lot of furniture and rooms around, then do.

But he’s going up and down the stairs to use the toilet isn’t he? Or do you have a downstairs toilet he’s using? And he must be using the stairs to go up to the bedroom? (apologies if I’ve misunderstood the layout if your house).

To be honest, if he’s going to have this attitude of working all these hours and ignores you and the chikdren anyway whilst doing so, then he needs to spend the day upstairs and out the way if that’s at all an option? Put his office stuff up there and then he also has the bed up there for his nap, as well as the bathroom so he can just get on with his work with the least disruption to you and the least amount of mobilisation for him.

He can at least come down the stairs once for a few hours in the evening so you can all spend some time together as a family? Would that be less frequently than he’s currently going up and down the stairs?

I really feel for you OP ☹️

No. He’s going up the stairs to bed but we have a toilet downstairs.

I think the only workable solution then is to have him working upstairs and find a way of shifting rooms and furniture around to accommodate that.

I know he needs to be amenable to it but he’s very selfish by not acknowledging how difficult it is for you to look after the children whilst he’s busy working amongst you all the time. How does he manage to block all their noise out? (unless you’re having to try and keep them quiet which I imagine is only adding to your stress) ☹️

It’s early days which although may explain why he can’t fully accept/digest this new reality, that doesn’t make it any easier for you ☹️ I hope with the passage of time he comes to see that the current set-up isn’t sustainable and that he works with you to find a solution x

@Gotitthanks I feel it’s very hard to advise because I don’t think anyone (let alone us in the other side of screen) has any idea of what is for the best.

If I understood well, your dh health problems are relatively recent. You’re currently on sick leave, dealing with the house, the dcs and gettimg worried about dh because you can see him retreating into himself.
On the top of it, at some point you’re going to be back at work AND he is going to have a better idea re treatments and maybe prognosis.

im wondering if your dh wouldn’t be more receptive to a health profesional talking to him about his work. His company should be able to have an OT involved and they might be able to help your dh find a better way to work (eg having fixed breaks for the pain, maybe reducing his hours FOR NOW) etc….
Basically having a HCP telling him he can’t carry on functioning as if he was well.
With less pressure, he might be able to come out of his shell more??

But the reality is that you’re trying to navigate uncharted territories with a blindfold.

Maybe the reality is that you can’t. Can’t plan ahead. You can’t say ‘ok if I’m doing xyz, this should help’ because everything is still up in the air.

With that in mind, what is the thing that would make the most difference to you just now? And will make things easier during the summer hols?
Not trying to solve anything but easing things off enpugh to make they bearable?

This is exactly the point you need to take from this OP. Your kids need you. You cannot look after them properly trapped in this situation. They will suffer and be permanently damaged by a father who completely ignores them and a mother who is exhausted from trying to do everything for everyone.

Choose your children over maintaining this relationship.

It happened to the whole family.

Umm you do realise the poor guy had some form of devastating diagnosis which will impact his future, less than a month ago. Give him a chance!

After ONE month?
When he doesn’t have any idea of the next steps will be?

I hope you’re never going to get ill and your partner doesn’t react that way….
Because, believe me, you’d find that really hard.

You have a certain number of rooms, on different floors, plus a garden room.

You - both, together - need to decide which location is best for him to use as his home office….. whilst ensuring that you and the children still have usable living space.

I can see that life is very difficult for you at the moment with no solutions or end in sight. We are here for you to vent your frustration and hopefully this will help you cope a very little mentally. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you, but am sending you a MN hug and ask that you keep on posting here if it helps in any way.

FGS.
He is a man trying to provide for his family under catastrophic circumstances.
No more comment needed !!!!!

If you think he will regain some mobility once he gets in a treatment plan that is great. This is what happened to me. I was basically paralysed for over a month. Then I got started on medication and was very lucky that it worked quickly and I started to be able to move again.

Like your husband, my condition is painful, disturbs sleep and causes immobility and stiffness if not controlled by medication. In the period between diagnosis and starting medication, the terror of it not working, the sheer effort to do things that everyone else takes for granted, and the horror of feeling like you might "become useless" or "become a burden" is horrendous. Throwing yourself into work so you are NOT useless is normal and as I said before better than taking to your bed and ending up with depression. Some of the "consider leaving him" posts on this thread confirm the sociopathic nature of some people that they would suggest that a few weeks after your life being turned upside down, at the moment when you most need support, that you should be cast aside. And they confirm the fear of many disabled people - that people promise to stick by you if you get sick but when it actually happens, they don't.

Cut your husband some slack. Take the children to the park. Ask to set a time for a chat about how best to organise everything moving forward to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone.

And I'm afraid that to those who had an issue with me pointing out the key difference between being a single parent and the OPs situation, I stand by it. He is working full time and providing a full time income to the family. She is working part time and parenting without having as much help as she used to have. If she was a single parent - she would be doing everything for the children and would need a full time job and probably a second job to be able to pay for the childcare to be able to go to the main job. Guess how I know. So it IS different, very different and to suggest otherwise is a)nonsense and b) unhelpful. Her husband is there. He is working. He is contributing. And he needs support. Maybe OP does too, that's fair. Talk to friends, get a therapist, blow off steam there is fair enough. But you are not alone. Your husband has not ceased to exist because he is disabled.

Why do you keep turning this into a competition?
Being a single parent, and being a parent and carer for a recently disabled partner are not the sm comparable. You are comparing apples with oranges.

If he is able to work he’s able to pay attention to his kids. He is choosing not to. That is enough for me to be out the door.

Give him more of a chance to ignore his own children?! No.

So let me get this straight. DH started experiencing pain in May of this year and got a diagnosis in June. We’re mid way through July and you’re advocating OP leaves him and takes their children, simply because a very few weeks later, DH is still struggling with the diagnosis and coming to terms with what very much sounds like a permanent and degenerative disability ? For the sake of the children ? Words fail me.