DH working from home ALL the time; feeling absolutely drained by him

[Gotitthanks]

That sounds horrible but hear me out. DH is disabled. It’s fairly recent and we’re all still adjusting I dare say.

Work has adjusted to him working from home permanently. Because of his disability he has to sit in a specially adapted chair. There’s no room for it in any of the bedrooms upstairs so he’s in the lounge.

Since he’s sleeping badly at night he is working when he can. He was working until 8 o clock last night. We have young children and I am sick to death of having a husband who is there in all but name.

I know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL without sounding an arse but truth is I’m sick of the sight of him!

@Monty36 but you probably don’t remember being 2/3. Anyway … I do feel a bit picked at here. There IS a difference between a parent asleep, often if not always upstairs, and a parent in huge amounts of pain and insisting on working in a communal area … I’m honestly not trying to sound unnecessarily argumentative but there is.

Come September things will be easier I hope, at the very least we’ll know more, a treatment plan will be in place and this will help too.

Hi @Gotitthanks- this sounds like a really difficult solution (emotionally as well as practically)

in the short term - can you get some help from friends /family to rearrange furniture

Garden office as a play space/den for the kids over the summer holidays (appreciate they are young and need supervision)

DH in a bedroom- he can work & sleep in same one if necessary

kids /you can share if needed over the 6 weeks too

just focus on making it somehow workable for the next few weeks while you all adapt to the situation

@Gotitthanks
I wonder if a disability helpline might be more helpful to you, as you would probably get a volunteer who is at least trained in listening skills and might also be able to signpost you to options.

There can be huge support available on Mumsnet but also a tendency towards the interrogative and querying that is not always sensitive towards people in really difficult situations or which throws up random tangents. People are also often writing quickly or don’t read anything beyond the OP.

You are in an awful situation and now is the time to draw on any sources of support that you can find.

I wonder about giving him a bedroom, put a single bed in it and have room for his desk and chair. You could sleep with dcs for now. Basically, the fixable issue is the chair in the middle of the living space so try to fix that.

No it really isn’t … it misses the point. I realise you’re wanting to help so sorry if I sound difficult. And he would have to be amenable to it.

OP, are you just wanting a rant rather than advice as to how to navigate? That’s fine. Sometimes we just need a place to rant and for someone validate that it’s all rubbish.

It sounds likes there’s been a lot of adjustments to make and a big impact on family life. Coping with the changes of a new disability is difficult for any family.

And it’s worth holding that adjustment periods are always difficult and it can feel like it will never get easier. It more than likely will as you both learn and adapt. You’ll start to realise what works for you and for him. I hope your husband has support in dealing with his recent diagnosis as this will be incredibly hard for him.

OP...... if you know this isn't going to get any better, and you acknowledge that he was difficult even before this happened, then maybe you need to think very seriously about whether or not you stay in this marriage. It's not good for anyone, especially the children, to live like this. You are absolutely right to feel the resentment. And I know it wouldn't be easy to split from your husband, but there really doesn't seem to be any other way out of your nightmare. I absolutely understand how awful and difficult it must be for your husband, but he has a duty to you and the children, and if he won't discuss it or compromise then what does he expect will happen going forward?? I am heartsick for you.

Op have you done anything about a carers assessment or getting external support for your husband?

OP, you sound really stressed and it's obvious you need support. You are crumbling under the responsibilities and work and have no respite. But I think your anger is misdirected. Bad things happen to everyone and it could happen to you, and then roles would be reversed. You feel overburdened with childcare, work and absolutely exhausted. You should urgently seek help of relatives and friends to help you out. Reach out to everyone and everybody you know, don't be embarrassed. It sounds like your husband's health will improve in a couple of months? Things will get better.

Sorry you feel a bit got it you’ve taken on everything by yourself as there is no choice. I totally understand you’re a bit stressed and overwhelmed.

Hopefully, summer holidays won’t be too bad and things improve for September💐💐

Op I think I get what you mean (or I hope I do) - it's feeling a single parent when in a relationship, when can be weirdly harder than being an actual single parent. The presence is a reminder of what you should have and don't have. And it does sound like he's burying himself in work as a distraction/avoidance.

It sounds like things are very recent, could you help deal with it by mentally setting a date in your head to speak to him? To look at how things are and how you can work together as a team. Whether the usual roles of what you each do as a parent need to adjust. I don't mean a date for you to berate him, but as part of thinking about things that have worked, that help him feel like he's still a parent, as well as helping you by default. Eg if he isn't able to do physical things he used to do, can he do more of the 'life admin'. Obviously that conversation couldn't happen you've both had time to adjust, and hopefully he's got a better idea of how to live with his disability. I'm just wondering if thinking about it in that way could help give you back a semblance of control, and feeling that it won't always be as bad as it is now.

@Waitingforthistopass75 I do say in my op ‘know there’s no easy answers. I’m just sharing because it’s so difficult to talk about in RL.’

People mean well and you can acknowledge this whilst also saying actually that isn’t going to work; that isn’t a solution.

@godmum56 no, not as yet.

Thanks all

Ideally what would you like to change about the current set-up that you’d like him to be amenable to?

Or does he genuinely just think you all have to fit around him?

@Gotitthanks I truly am so sorry that you are in this situation and that people seem to be completely obtuse.

I can tell that you are deep in the trenches and it must be so so hard for you. 5 Years after my accident, DH had to take a year off work in order to recover from looking after us. It ended up being 2 years off, but I have never begrudged him that. He deserved every second of rest.

People are trying to be practical but that is not helping you right now. Not while you're on your knees.

I worry that he has completely disengaged, and hope that it is still early days and he'll snap out of it at some point. If he doesn't, then you might have to leave. You cannot live like this.

I know that if I treated my DH like that during my difficult time, I would not have been surprised if he left me.

Thinking of you xx

@ScaredButUnavoidable i don’t think there is anything I can change. Others have articulated and explained that disconcerting feeling of someone ‘there-but-not-there.’ I’ve never exactly loved DH working from home as I do find with the best will in the world it affects others who are trying to just use the house as a home, but it didn’t tend to be on days I was around (I am part time) so I didn’t mind. Now of course it’s a daily thing.

But I can’t send him to work; he doesn’t want to stop work (and even if he did he would still be here) so I’m not sure we can change anything.

I am hopeful that with some treatment he may regain some mobility and be more like his old self; our younger child starts school next September so we won’t have small children in the house in the day for the working week, but it still … isn’t great really.

its totally up to you but I think it would be a good place to start for yourself. You can get support before you know what any kind of medical plan for your husband is and I also think it might send a message to your husband that its not just his struggle or his suffering. Even without the previous issues that you mentioned, people with new disabilities can become incredibly inward looking aka selfish. I know too that it can feel like just another thing on the to do list but honestly if you can bring yourself to do it, it will start to lift the load.

Jesus - what is wrong with you? How in the name of god did you get that from OP’s posts? Your response is just plain nasty, I hope you don’t speak to people in real life like that.

Agreed. It really leaves splitting up I guess OP. Do you think it might come to that? Sounds harsh maybe but do you and your kids want to keep living like this? The disability is one thing, but his attitude and self centredness is another.

We’re not going to be splitting up. I realise he may not be presented in the best light here but that’s the worst; I haven’t mentioned the best. We’re in the trenches with young children and everyone I know with a child under four has considered divorce at some point without the other stuff!

I need to adjust, and so does he, and depending on what the long and short term prognosis is we may need to continue doing so. But I did mean the vows when I said them

I have no advice, just want to say this sounds really hard. I love my husband but it would drive me nuts having him there all the time, and then not being able to retreat to my living room in the evening. And the isolation you must be feeling while he's dealing with what sounds like a real shock. Little kids are hard, life is hard and now you're dealing with it all by yourself. I don't know you but I feel for you. Be kind to yourself, talk to your friends. I hope things improve, it'll take time. If they don't, you have to look after yourself too. All the best.

“We’re not going to be splitting up. I realise he may not be presented in the best light here but that’s the worst; I haven’t mentioned the best. We’re in the trenches with young children and everyone I know with a child under four has considered divorce at some point without the other stuff!
I need to adjust, and so does he, and depending on what the long and short term prognosis is we may need to continue doing so. But I did mean the vows when I said them “

That is a really beautiful post @Gotitthanks

I have a close friend who recently and unexpectedly lost a severely disabled child in late primary. A child missing parts of their brain which meant they were never going to walk talk etc - a child that was born unexpectedly and severely disabled. A child that brought two people together and entailed vast sacrifice, but also beauty and immense love.
We all go through life and experience trauma in bigger or smaller degrees. You have had it really tough and at a young age too, like you say, in the trenches.
We can choose to see life as an accumulation of different traumas and loss and grief over many years, and let it break us. Or we can choose to see all of life’s adversities as an accumulation of love and learning about life’s cruel and most loving ways in equal measures. And be grateful for what we do have and not what we do not and you can have hope. Hope of adjustment of some improvement of your family sticking together of all the love and sacrifice you are making.

Honestly, I think they're a combination of issues here

Obviously there's the himself retreating into himself and you having to take on additional parenting duties because of your husband's disabilities.

But there's also that him working from home at all seems to be a problem to you - it was before, and even more so now.

Yes, in the longer term you need a better solution so you don't feel the lounge is out of bounds, but it doesn't sound like he's demanding that. You've not mentioned him banishing you for meetings, getting huffy when the kids play, or spreading work stuff across the whole lounge. More him quietly getting on.

You could be juggling mostly solo parenting with being the only earner. It's actually amazing that despite what he's going through, he can keep working, keep earning etc. If he loses this work, he may not be able to get another job, and he's managing it as best he can.

You and the kids could chill out in other rooms (the garden room? Bedrooms) or you could have a blanket 'no working from 3-6' rule.

There are tasks he can do to help with your load, but he might not be in the right frame of mind to identify them. Having children read to him/him reading to them, doing the online shop, that sort of thing. If he gets paid overtime for the extra hours, the that could be ploughed into getting extra help in.

But I don't think it's reasonable to get grumpy about him WFH in general, and it's not surprising he's not himself in mood. It's a big adjustment for both of you, and you have different burdens in that regard.

Just in case no one asks, do you still want to be there? I completely understand you may feel not.

Wishing you well.

@Hohumbrumbrum if you don’t see that very young children and a husband working from home are uneasy bedfellows even at the best of times (and these are categorically not the best of times!) then it is probably not going to be a thread we really understand one another very well on. I don’t mean to sound horrible, it’s just one of those things you either get or you don’t. The point is with the summer coming we can’t just wake up and take the day as it comes. DH has meetings in the lounge, phone calls, the solution to this going to the ‘garden room’ which has nowhere to sit and no TV, no sink or toilet and probably mice; no thanks. Likewise I don’t really fancy sitting in a bedroom because the lounge is commandeered.

Obviously I don’t mind him working but the times he chooses to do it and where he does it are … well, they are quite selfish truth be told. That’s meant as an observation rather than a criticism.

Both my husband and I work from home and have done so since before we had children, including in the baby/toddler years. They are now primary age and my husband is currently in one room downstairs working whilst I'm in with the kids. My laptop is on the lounge table and I'll probably do work after bedtime. Like millions of people. That's the same for the school holidays. But he's never asked us to be quiet, and if he has a meeting in the kitchen, I try to be considerate, but I'm still getting the kids lunch, drinks etc.

If your problem is with your husband managing to hold on to his job, in really tricky circumstances, then honestly I think the problem is on you.

Yes, he needs to find ways of doing it that are less intrusive, in terms of times, but if the price you pay for your husband not giving up the last bit of normality, keeping some dignity in reserving, and feeling useful, is moving a chair to the summerhouse, then I think there are bigger issues.

I have a lot of sympathy for the turn your lives have taken and the impact it has on you, but not on this aspect.

Ps: I get your frustration at life not turning out as expected - one child become seriously ill a few years ago and has been left with disabilities. I work but an unfulfilling but flexibly job, rather than my career, to give her care needed. I know it's different with a spouse, but there are some similarities in terms of having to change your hopes for the future, what you handle etc.