I have ONE fucking thing a week I do for myself and dh repeatedly lets me down by being late home

[CountessDracula]

and tonight "he forgot"

I have been so supportive to him lately and he can't even be fucked to think of me

This is becoming a pattern
I am beginning to think he is a selfish cunt who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

In fact I have thought it for a while

He is compounding it with repeated selfish behaviour

I never let him down
never

This is my absolute blind spot and one area on which DH knows that I have extremely strong views (I'm actually fairly easy going about nearly everything else!)

I categorically refuse to be the person who has to make all of the organisational tweaks to family life and I also completely refuse to collude in learned helplessness in any way. DH is 44, has got a degree and a responsible job - I can't believe that anyone in those circumstances cannot manage functional diary management.

I think I am lucky in some ways that I married someone fairly well organised. We also do broadly the same sort of job (although obviously mine is more important ), which tends to help as there isn't an underlying assumption that I am the automatic default. I have also had a zero tolerance approach to this (male work-related selfimportance/ lack of connection to day to day issues) since even before we had children, so Dh has always known about it.

The flip side of this is that we are ferociously diarised in my house and there's not much slack, but there you go.

CD if I were you I would put my foot down pretty hard, because at the root of this is a fundamental disrespect.

I think you need to "forget" some of the stuff you do for him

at MI living in the 1st world war. Funnily enough, I think of myself as having a happier marriage than most, I think because the fun bits really are quite fun.

I had a bit of a revelation when I was off on adoption leave for a year. I realised that for me life with a small, very dependant child was always going to be tricky because of the sort of man that I fancy. I go for geeky, funny, unpredictable, interesting, intelligent men. The sort of man who you never really quite know what he's going to do next, but whatever it is it'll be interesting. Unfortunately the downside of these personality traits is generally flakiness, being easily distracted by something more interesting, lack of concentration on the mundane, and that's annoying when there's a small child because someone has to remember to bring a nappy/water/snack/sun cream/coat/the child when we go out, and other boring but necessary things.

I know lots of men (including quite a few SAHDs) who are very capable and practical and generally lovely but I just couldn't fancy them, or spend my life with them after kids. Perhaps what I need is a sort of time-share marriage, geeky and interesting husband pre and post young children stage and a dull but useful husband for primary school years.

I'm not convinced about that distinction Bran. I mean, there are plenty of interesting, funny, unpredictable women around who have to learn to remember about nappies and suncream and teeth cleaning and book bags and so on. We don't all take to it utterly naturally.

In my experience fathers are utterly capable at all the boring crap of parenting if they have to be. if they do have to leave work on time to pick up from nursery, or do the school preparation and drop offs.

all that "too interesting to remember childish trivia", I would love to claim that too. I mean which of us wants to be boring and mumsy? But sometimes we have to be.

My DP is utterly incapable of remembering dates and organising his diary. And even with my most merciless feminist hat on (and I am pretty ruthless on these issues) I have to accept he can not remember dates and times. Not just my priorities but also his own top priorities, or his work needs. To the extent I wonder if he's actually vaguely dyslexic. but that's a different matter from not respecting my time and interests and priorities, I would have zero tolerance on that (and DP knows it, and he doens't let me down. but i do have to be the one reminding him about when he has to be in a certain place cos he is abysmal at that).

Don't get me started on the things DH is trying to make sure I don't get to go away with friends this weekend.

storming we-are-about-to-split-up row last night. no sleep. I am so close to jacking in all plans for the weekend and giving in / making plans to move out (financially impossible, so they won't get far) instead.

I never post stuff like this in case DH finds and reads it. I no longer care.

CD - my DH is the same - he always does what he wants to do, because I finish work first and pick the kids up, so I am already home, but if I want to do something, I have to "ask" for permission, and on my regular night out circuit training, he is often late.

Oh I would love to be creative and flaky. Being dependably mumsy is so unglamorous.

I should add that I am probably (for once) being mildly unfair about Mr Inferior. He does a lot of childcare (he leaves work early three days a week to pick the girls up). It's the remembering bit that annoys me.

But there is a real disrespect at the heart of this.

When someone effectively says "You have told me that X is critically important to you and I have acknowledged that and yet I have not organised myself in a way that enables me to fulfil my side of the bargain" what is that other than completely undermining the importance you have put on something.

Sure its different if something comes up, or there are transport delays or whatever, but consistently failing to do what you have been asked to is just completely unacceptable in a relationship.

I really don't buy the "Oh, I'm just not the type to remember stuff" personality trait either. No one would last a minute is any sort of responsible or even quasi-responsible job with that attitude.

yes mine is good most of the time
great father
mostly great husband (with the odd blip)

Just shit at being able to be home when he says!

He did say last night (which I conceded) that he wants to please me so he gives unrealistic estimates of when he might be able to be home and then can't make them

So I think a bit of expectation managing from him might be in order.

dh does that too cd

"i might not make it home to see the boys tonight"

he then knows i'll be delighted with a "home at 6:45" text

it works too (bugger, i'm obv a simple creature)

He used to be late as in he would get in at the time when I was supposed to be there so I was alwasys 5-10 mins late.

I had to put up with incessant burning martryish "oh i had to RUN for the train to get home in time, I am SO busy" etc

Tough shit
leave earlier then
work at home after bedtime
NOT MY PROBLEM

So then he started coming home earlier so I could get there on time after one night when he was in Manchester on biz and he booked a flight back at 6 to be home for 7 (he got home at 9.30 predictably) and I hit the roof and told him it was not acceptable to be home at the time I was meant to be somewhere

he has been better since
but just forgetting
that is bizarre

now you see, i'm jsut mean.... if DH texts me to say he might me late home.. I cheer.... it means I can get the kids in bed early (they're always knackered) and I ca have agin and tonic before he gets home!!.. this is of course unless I'm supposed to be going out...

oh tutter
in my dreams

In our house I might not be home for bedtime 9pm

= 9pm i mean
or later

i know

am terribly fortunate

even since our move dh is generally home at 7ish

Ah yes Fennel - which is where my:

"Right, IF you are so crap about remembering things, and you acknowledge it (which by the way I thoroughly appreciate, thank you for that), THEN what's YOUR suggestion for addressing it so it doesn't impact on the rest of the family?"

-> appointments in own writing on calendar being one of the ideas.

But, you know, I have this in such spades with ds (real "executive functioning" issues) that my strategy hat is on very much most of every day. And it is not so difficult to expand out from a ds issue to a dh issue.

cd - that sounds like my DH a little. He can't remember all the little things that need doing because I've always done it. And I've always done it because he doesn't remember. And if no-one remembered the family misses out. It's a question of who has the most tender conscience I suppose.

However...my DH would move hell and high water to ensure that I don't miss out on the things I do for myself. He has even forgone doing his own stuff so that I can go for a run. He isn't selfish so much as lazy and forgetful. Which is partly my fault.

Based on this thread, I'm rethinking sad single life and looking more fondly upon Dear mum who babysits reliably once a week.

(sexlife is crap though - swings and roundabouts)

lol at swings and roundabouts

you naughty girl

life of a single mum in kew eh?

North Sheen Rec a hotbed of us "swings and roundabouts" crew

Kew - get yourself a rabbit.

no rabbits allowed under the covenant of house sale...

"swings and roundabouts" sounds more exciting than a lot of married sex lives...

Gosh I have never heard of a lease that stops you having sex toys before!

Yes, Bink, that's more or less what we do. DP tries hard to manage a diary and our calendar, but generally fails. but he also fails to remember the things he most cares about - he will forget the visit of a much loved long unseen friend, or that he's booked to teach windsurfing (which he's passionate about).

One year, after a mere 10 or 11 years together, he actually remembered my birthday. Took the girls present shopping, booked a babysitter. But he'd got completely the wrong month.

that's an example of how it's not disrespect with him, or laziness.

dd1 is the same. chaotic, forgetful, can't remember any dates. Also both have poor spelling and written organisation. hence my musings about dyslexia.