How can my daughter handle wedding pressure from controlling future in-laws?

[Biggles27]

This is long as I’m trying not to drip feed

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice. I’ve said I need to think about it as I’ve got an idea of what I want to say but want to mull it over for a few days as her whole relationship is at stake

basically she has a massive mil problem (and a fil)

every time her and her finance suggest a venue for the wedding pil say oh that won’t work for grandmother (let’s call her Mabel)

Mabel is in her 80’s but so are dd grandparents plus they are significantly disabled. Her grandparents are prepared to travel anywhere for the wedding, they acknowledge it’s dd and fiancés decision. Mabel refuses to travel

His parents say oh it’s your choice but whenever he suggests a venue they say oh it’s not goi g to work

Dd & sil are paying for the wedding. Families live 7 hours apart. Someone’s got to travel so dd thinks they chose where they want and everyone travels. Sil is trying to keep everyone happy and is upsetting dd to the point t where if he doesn’t stand up to them she’s not sure they can be together

He hasn’t clicked that his parents will only be happy if they get married in their home town

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back

dd and sil live approx midway between the families

tgeres lots I could say about mil but she is a problem

right where I am

sil need to sod his parents and him and dd chose where they want. It’s up to their parents & Grandparents to be happy with their choice and accept travel is involved. If you’re not prepared to travel then u don’t attend

problem is sil has never had to stand up to parents and is trying to keep them happy

dd has found THE venue but he’s refused to visit as it won’t work for his parents as Mabel won’t travel

we need to make sil wake up & realise his parents will only accept their home town & my dd will not get married their - she doesn’t like the place! She as a compromise has said no to getting married in her home town

ive said she needs to tell sil, WE have a problem. Parents will only accept your home town and I’m not willing to get married there, that doesn’t work for me so how are WE going to resolve this so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is

briwnies if you’ve got this far. I’ll try and answer any questions. I e made sil sound weak. He’s actually a lovely guy who doesn’t want to upset his parents but hasn’t realised a) it’s home town or nothing and b) how upset dd is as his parents are controlling the narrative

it became clear at the engagement party they threw how much control they want (long story but my dh was spitting) For dd the penny has dropped. Sil just thinks they are just being interested and loving parents. We need to get him to realise they are trying to control them without destroying his relationship with them and dd isn’t prepared to be in a relationship with him and his parents

Red flags everywhere for your DD. As the MN quote goes she doesn’t have a MIL problem she has a husband/ fiancée problem.

If he can’t turn around to his parents now and say this is where we are getting married what happens when they have kids.

If they already ruined or interfered in the engagement party , and this much into the wedding planning then highly likely she will hate her wedding day too.

She needs to have a think if she is willing to put up with him being a wet lettuce to his parents long term as he doesn’t sound ready to see the effects his parents are having yet.

This is a war that won’t be won. Yes, she might win this battle of the wedding venue but the longer one of where to live will be played out over decades and there will be plenty of skirmishes along the way of Christmas and other meaningful events. It sounds like you & your DD are aware of this but remember that her DH to be will never want to keep your DD happy more than he wants to now. And if DD does win this battle than that will simply be used as ammunition.
Of course, I could be wrong. Her DH to be might listen to her, wonder how he could be so blind and stand up to his mother forever more. But given how obtuse he is being - or appearing to me - to the Mabel situation here, I doubt it!

This isn't going to change. Red flags everywhere. It will very very hard for her fiance to see how damaging their behaviour is and she will be absolutely trampled under foot in the meantime. I can't imagine she's going to want to call it off, but actually I think she should.

If she goes ahead she absolutely must not live anywhere near them or her life will be an absolute misery if and when they have children.

I don’t think she should marry him tbh

“so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is”

No, no - you’ve got the framing wrong. The MIL is the one making him choose. And I suspect it’s a deliberate test to see where his loyalties lie.

Regarding what your DD does about it… You can’t change other people’s behaviour, only your own. She can’t “make” him see anything or do anything. All she can do is spell out her own position. “If you let your parents veto every venue, there won’t be a wedding”. “If you prioritise your parents over me, this marriage will not work”.

But she has to mean what she says and be prepared to walk away.

You can't wake him up. This is who he is, a guy who's deeply enmeshed with his family, so much so that he doesn't make independent decisions about the big things on his life.

Your daughter's going to have to deal with this her entire life unless her husband to be grows a spine and makes it really clear he and wife make their own decisions and his parents back off or else.

Right now, he doesn't have that spine and she'll always be fighting against his family's influence on what should be their decisions.

She can't make her own wedding decisions without them piling on the bullshit. It's going to be like that about everything. If they lived close to his parents, her marriage will break up sooner rather than later. If they have kids, it will be horrible. She's going to dislike his family intensely and resent their enmeshment and his lack of spine and lose respect for him as a husband.

I think she should cancel the wedding and unless he grows a very shiny spine, end the relationship.

She tells him he needs to show he can stand up to his mum or no wedding.

How about a very long engagement?

Honestly, they sound a nightmare and prepared to fight until they get their own way. I'd be warning your DD that this will be every birthday/christmas/family event going forwards.... and if her future DH won't stand his ground, he's a wet lettuce who won't be any support to her at all.

RED FLAG!!! The man is not willing to support or accommodate his future-wife in the slightest.

I would be telling my daughter to run, not walk.

Yep, that’s an incoming nightmare every Christmas and will escalate dramatically if grandkids enter the equation…..

Fiance either needs to grow a pair and let his parents know what they have decided for their own wedding, that they are paying for…..or bye bye fiancé.

personally I couldn’t see this being worth the hassle. And it will be years of hassle.

If DD and SIL are paying for the wedding, they get to choose the venue.
Ask MIL where she got married, because most people my age (sixties) would have got married in the bride’s home town. Most young people I know either go with the bride’s family’s location; get married where they are living, or have a “destination” wedding because they like the venue. MIL shouldn’t be having a say.

She needs to run fast and run far

I agree she is storing up trouble marrying this man. He won’t stand up to his parents now - it’s just going to be more shit as the years pass. She really should rethink this wedding..

Tell them to save their money and elope.

She shouldn’t marry a mamas boy. Even if he does assert himself she’ll get the blame.

Why? So she wastes the prime years of her life hoping he’ll grow a spine?

Bloody well done her for recognising the issue, and being prepared to help him overcome it. But others are right, the wedding may get resolved, but then there’ll be where they live, spent birthdays, Christmas, children….

I'd have a massive falling out with the inlaws-to-be and piss them off so much they wont ever speak to me again. Then she'll be free of them.

I was your daughter. If I could turn back time, I would NEVER have married my husband. This is the start of her life becoming a complete nightmare. I was told that my DH's grandfather couldn't travel all the way to the venue. The week after, they all, including the grandfather, went on holiday with travel time at least 2 hours longer. I HATE them and am now NC

Are there specific reasons why Mabel can’t travel? Is it a can’t or a won’t? Has Mabel been willing to discuss any options or accommodations required to get her to a venue outside of their home town?

Does Mabel even know that MIL has said she can’t travel?

This ! My husband sat beside me whilst his bitch of a mother had a massive go at me about the wedding plans and didn't say a word 😡

Well the obvious solution to those of us who have ignored the MASSIVE red flags and ploughed ahead in similar circumstances, is that she should not marry this man. It's a disaster now and it will only get worse with time, except by then, she may end up losing half a house to him.

Tell her you'll support her in whatever decision she makes, but find a way to explain that if her partner isn't supporting her now (and doesn't understand why he should), he never will. The PIL will never improve.

They need to start as they mean to go on , otherwise they will be guilt tripped over Christmas/birthdays etc for ever more
There are hundreds of threads on here about interfering parents, it causes so much grief.
If sil doesn't make a stand now, your daughter will lose respect for him at some point in the future and either end up divorced or very resentful.
If they moved nearer his parents, would it affect their jobs ?

It's very simple. If son in law won't put his future wife before his overbearing gmother, then your dd needs to walk away.

The alternative is she will have a miserable day, and be bullied throughout her first year of marriage. If she is foolish or unfortunate enough to fall pregnant, the MIL will interfere to the point they will separate anyway.

She needs to come home and make it clear to her fiance that he needs to grow a back one or the wedding is off.

She needs to detach it from ‘this’ decision. This isn’t about where they get married. It isn’t about his parents or her parents. It’s across the board.

She needs to mention to him that she’s getting really concerned, because all the decisions about everything will need to work for him and her primarily.

That it will be really hard for them to plan their life together, if everything they do has to accommodate preferences of both sets of parents and grandparents.

That there will be many decisions in future which won’t be ideal for her parents, his parents, or Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.

That it’s ok for them to choose differently from other people, as long as the two of them are happy.