How can my daughter handle wedding pressure from controlling future in-laws?

[Biggles27]

This is long as I’m trying not to drip feed

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice. I’ve said I need to think about it as I’ve got an idea of what I want to say but want to mull it over for a few days as her whole relationship is at stake

basically she has a massive mil problem (and a fil)

every time her and her finance suggest a venue for the wedding pil say oh that won’t work for grandmother (let’s call her Mabel)

Mabel is in her 80’s but so are dd grandparents plus they are significantly disabled. Her grandparents are prepared to travel anywhere for the wedding, they acknowledge it’s dd and fiancés decision. Mabel refuses to travel

His parents say oh it’s your choice but whenever he suggests a venue they say oh it’s not goi g to work

Dd & sil are paying for the wedding. Families live 7 hours apart. Someone’s got to travel so dd thinks they chose where they want and everyone travels. Sil is trying to keep everyone happy and is upsetting dd to the point t where if he doesn’t stand up to them she’s not sure they can be together

He hasn’t clicked that his parents will only be happy if they get married in their home town

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back

dd and sil live approx midway between the families

tgeres lots I could say about mil but she is a problem

right where I am

sil need to sod his parents and him and dd chose where they want. It’s up to their parents & Grandparents to be happy with their choice and accept travel is involved. If you’re not prepared to travel then u don’t attend

problem is sil has never had to stand up to parents and is trying to keep them happy

dd has found THE venue but he’s refused to visit as it won’t work for his parents as Mabel won’t travel

we need to make sil wake up & realise his parents will only accept their home town & my dd will not get married their - she doesn’t like the place! She as a compromise has said no to getting married in her home town

ive said she needs to tell sil, WE have a problem. Parents will only accept your home town and I’m not willing to get married there, that doesn’t work for me so how are WE going to resolve this so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is

briwnies if you’ve got this far. I’ll try and answer any questions. I e made sil sound weak. He’s actually a lovely guy who doesn’t want to upset his parents but hasn’t realised a) it’s home town or nothing and b) how upset dd is as his parents are controlling the narrative

it became clear at the engagement party they threw how much control they want (long story but my dh was spitting) For dd the penny has dropped. Sil just thinks they are just being interested and loving parents. We need to get him to realise they are trying to control them without destroying his relationship with them and dd isn’t prepared to be in a relationship with him and his parents

If he won't man up now he never will. They will have to go to them for Christmas, birthdays, children's events etc. Nothing will ever suit them unless they get their own way.

Maybe they should speak to Mabel privately and say how sad they are that she's not prepared to travel, if dd's grandparents are happy to. Could be that Mabel knows absolutely nothing about this and would quite happily travel to the couples chosen venue. Obviously the venue would need to have ground floor accomodation for all of the grandparents.

She needs to just focus on him. If he's not mature enough to be independent from his parents then he is not mature enough to marry.

The simplest way to put it is that they are not a good match. Location is going to be a major issue in their marriage.

He would probably be a wonderful husband to a girl from his home town.

I feel for your DD, OP. Please show her the excellent comments on this thread.

You missed out the Christmas problem. And holidays, birthdays & anniversaries & christenings, and Father's Day and Mothering Sunday...

She has to explain to him that, within reason, they as a couple are the most important people when making life decisions. They can consider other people, like parents etc, but ultimately it is down to them where they get married, where to live etc. If he can’t separate his parents wishes (demands) from his own thoughts then this relationship won’t work. Your DD’s wishes come before his parents.

I’m not against a man being close to his mum but she cannot rule his life and he can’t let her.

DH’s and my home towns were 6 hours apart, someone was going to have to travel. We chose a venue we both liked which wasn’t near either home town as we had both moved for work. Meant elderly grandparents couldn’t come. So after the wedding we visited them and I took my wedding dress so they could see it ion. Nowadays you can probably get the ceremony streamed so they can see it happening if they can’t travel (wasn’t an option when we got married)

My niece set up a phone on a tripod and FaceTimed my parents so that they could watch the ceremony ( I should have told dad to turn the radio off though,as we could hear the theme tune of the Archers during it )

Mabel is a red herring. She’s an excuse to maintain the status quo. Everything appears to orbit around the PIL. Even if the Mabel situation resolves another issue will appear. This is about control and maintaining the status quo. Anything that rocks the boat the PIL are in has to be stabilised by the rest of the family. They’ll all row around like crazy to ensure there’s no ripples of discomfort.
I think you are right to state that there’s not going to be 2 in this marriage- this marriage is to a collective. It’s dysfunctional and manipulative.
OP, I think you’re being very sensible and measured about all this. In order for your DD is function in that family as it stands she has to lose herself. It’s great that she has come to you for advice and is aware of this. So many posts on Mumsnet are from posters further down the line.

I’ve recently made a thread regarding forgiving MIL for ruining my wedding (she didn’t like our wedding plans, threw all the tantrums under the sun and then refused to come and then told BIL to pick us or them…) so we cancelled it and then eloped (lost thousands and wasn’t what we wanted).

DH was firmly on my camp but leaving an enmeshed family was hard. Unfortunately it started with his ex who planted the seed MIL was a narcissist, BIL ex giving back her engagement ring with ‘good luck to the next girl dealing with your mother’ and now BIL (with me being NC with MIL) keeps SIL firmly away from PIL and not even allowed them to have SIL number. It’s took years for the boys to see what’s going on. Unfortunately there were other women before us to pave the way….

I think I would advise my daughter not to get married to a man who is willing to upset her to please his mother. Regarding the wedding, I’d suggest she says to him ‘Your parents will not accept any location other than Mabel’s home town. I will not marry in Mabel’s home town. There is no point looking at more locations because they are not Mabel’s home town. How do you suggest we resolve this? Unfortunately I suspect he will say let’s marry in Mabel’s hometown. At this point I would recommend your daughter say the wedding is off, I have said I will not marry there and more to the point I will not marry someone who is willing to deprioritise me on my own wedding day. She should tell him he is not mature enough to marry until he can be his own man and be able to say no, in the same way she is her own woman.

MILs can be a fucking nightmare - I have one, she such a diva everyone cow-tows to her but thankfully my lovely DH has learnt to ‘manage’ her!! I rarely visit now, our kids can’t be bothered with her histrionics either so she loses out!
can your DD tell him that his mum is ruining their wedding before it’s even been on. If Mabel can’t come then so be it, but surely someone can drive her FFS - and if nothing else maybe their family can throw a
party after the event if they so chose … at their cost of course!

I would also point out that the MIL doesn't actually like your daughter (and it's early days) she will find more and more reasons, as time passes, to undermine her.

I'm afraid I'd be advising your daughter to consider exactly what her partner's mother is going to be like if she has children.

To think about how she's going to cope, at an extraordinarily vulnerable time in her life, with a MiL who wants to rule the roost and a partner who won't stand up to her.

And to think about what happens if they split up and the MiL gets to influence the child - because if the father has involvement, Mil will get to influence the child.

I'd tell her to use her head as well as her heart. Also, this book is a really useful read

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/B07YN5J5LX/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MU88EQA1YTIU&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.PBIWtuwHTa6TB6PV-le7EnzmmjhInflCYwpxZNDBDo_-5D8ED8jOcrA2AR3-2vxjJsyhMcZhxIGOXI_YDxQ68g.rtf6x-9-qjgiCD_cOPUsciSvE0r2SrDCEYTeUmMKKEc&dib_tag=se&keywords=susan+forward+toxic+inlaws&qid=1783964640&sprefix=susan+forward+toxic+inlaws%2Caps%2C119&sr=8-1

sod this - get married abroad with just tge2 of them - and have 2parties when they get back- one in her family area, one in his

I would absolutely hate for my daughters to marry into such a family.
I love them too much not to spell out just how difficult it will undoubtedly be.

No man is worth it.

There is nothing wrong with you as her mother, pointing out just how bad a start this will be to her marriage.
How much stress such a woman comes with.

They need to both go to the in Inlaws and pose a question: Where does Mabel want the wedding to be? I mean, has she even said she wants it in the home town or is this all MiLs work??

I would recommend they go to Vegas and get married there!!

If the SIL and your dd are paying then they get t choose where and whoever cannot come, simply cannot attend.

I'd suggest they just book what they want and then tell everyone.

I'd also strongly recommend assertiveness training for your dd because she will need it.

Hmm.

It's SIL's wedding too of course - where does he want to have it? Does he care? Does he care if Mabel decides not to go? Has he been told directly by her that she will only come if it's in his hometown or is it his parents making assumptions? It's not unreasonable of course for him to want his grandmother there.

Would a compromise be possible such as getting married in a registry office for Mabel and then having the big wedding somewhere else? Would he elope?!

But at the end of the day, SIL will constantly be making choices between his new family and his parents in the future. He can never have a life keeping both happy. Your DD needs to know in her heart that if he had to choose he'd choose her, even if it never comes to that.

I was in a similar situation twenty years ago. My fiance and I were basically forced to call off our wedding by his mother, who made him choose between us. I pitied him - it was obvious how painful and difficult it was to go against his parents after a lifetime of conditioning. There's no way I could have been happy in that situation though. It was the hardest time of my life.

They either just live together, elope or call it a day.

She tells him the shes chosen the halfway venue and if he cant agree to that she has to rethink her decision to marry him .
Or they marry with a couple of witnesses off the street.
His parents may back down perhaps if they see she is determined?
Sadly elderly relatives cant always travel to venues. Mine chose not to.

He's not a lovely guy, OP. He's a good actor. It's not possible to be as oblivious as he is. He either agrees with his parents, or doesn't care enough to rock the boat. Either way, it tells you how the marriage will go.

Agree 100%

No not been viewing locations but she has sent me links to ones she likes. Assume he’s doing the same??

North east