How can my daughter handle wedding pressure from controlling future in-laws?

[Biggles27]

This is long as I’m trying not to drip feed

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice. I’ve said I need to think about it as I’ve got an idea of what I want to say but want to mull it over for a few days as her whole relationship is at stake

basically she has a massive mil problem (and a fil)

every time her and her finance suggest a venue for the wedding pil say oh that won’t work for grandmother (let’s call her Mabel)

Mabel is in her 80’s but so are dd grandparents plus they are significantly disabled. Her grandparents are prepared to travel anywhere for the wedding, they acknowledge it’s dd and fiancés decision. Mabel refuses to travel

His parents say oh it’s your choice but whenever he suggests a venue they say oh it’s not goi g to work

Dd & sil are paying for the wedding. Families live 7 hours apart. Someone’s got to travel so dd thinks they chose where they want and everyone travels. Sil is trying to keep everyone happy and is upsetting dd to the point t where if he doesn’t stand up to them she’s not sure they can be together

He hasn’t clicked that his parents will only be happy if they get married in their home town

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back

dd and sil live approx midway between the families

tgeres lots I could say about mil but she is a problem

right where I am

sil need to sod his parents and him and dd chose where they want. It’s up to their parents & Grandparents to be happy with their choice and accept travel is involved. If you’re not prepared to travel then u don’t attend

problem is sil has never had to stand up to parents and is trying to keep them happy

dd has found THE venue but he’s refused to visit as it won’t work for his parents as Mabel won’t travel

we need to make sil wake up & realise his parents will only accept their home town & my dd will not get married their - she doesn’t like the place! She as a compromise has said no to getting married in her home town

ive said she needs to tell sil, WE have a problem. Parents will only accept your home town and I’m not willing to get married there, that doesn’t work for me so how are WE going to resolve this so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is

briwnies if you’ve got this far. I’ll try and answer any questions. I e made sil sound weak. He’s actually a lovely guy who doesn’t want to upset his parents but hasn’t realised a) it’s home town or nothing and b) how upset dd is as his parents are controlling the narrative

it became clear at the engagement party they threw how much control they want (long story but my dh was spitting) For dd the penny has dropped. Sil just thinks they are just being interested and loving parents. We need to get him to realise they are trying to control them without destroying his relationship with them and dd isn’t prepared to be in a relationship with him and his parents

There are two issues at hand.

The groom not standing up to his parents about life generally.

And the wedding.

Now for weddings I personally don’t see the sense in everyone travelling. It means more costs, more hassles with trying to get hotel rooms, meals the night before, taxis to the hotels etc. I think it makes more sense to have one side travel and the other not, but that’s my opinion. What matters is what your DD and her partner think - and his opinion does matter. Is it just his Kik they doesn’t want the halfway or is that his feeling too?

However, his mother sending house particulars and him not standing up for your DD generally is a big red flag. There is a huge difference in being very close to your family and in letting them be in control.

If your DD and he cannot communicate well enough to work out their wedding venue between them then should they really be getting married?

Quite possibly! I don’t know the answer to that but that thought has occurred to me

Tell us what happened at the engagement party so we get the gist.

I was going to say - none of this is about Mabel whatsoever. It's future MIL flexing her muscles to show who is in control.

Also OP, weddings are expensive.
She will bitterly regret the waste of money in marrying him, and the cost of divorce, all because she didn't face this today.

If he won't stand up for them as a couple now planning a wedding, he never will.

Speak plainly to her.
It is a waste of her time and money and she will regret it.

His mother knows well if he allows her to dictate his wedding, then he is never going to stand up to her.

She would want to be out of her mind to have children with such a man.

That’s her current thinking ….

God, if I were her I would be doing a runner.

This is the oldest story in the book, I’m afraid. Seen it dozens of times, including in my own family. Women arguing & falling out about weddings and the unfortunate man trapped in the middle desperately trying to keep the peace & keep everyone happy.

My suggestion is that the young couple get on a flight to Las Vegas, get married there & use the money which would have paid for the wedding to have a fantastic honeymoon / holiday of a lifetime on the same trip. Then present the fait accompli to the families when they get home.

She will always come second. He's a mummy's boy.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Since they are paying this is easy. However if he won’t stand up to his mother and tell them that it is going to cause a lot of problems in the marriage.

This.

maybe your DD needs to say to him to think really carefully about how he answers this question, because he will be directly telling her where his priorities lie. This is a make or break question because it’s indicative of whether or not he can reasonably assert himself, and she does not want to marry someone who can’t advocate for her wishes. It’s sad, but it’s a deal-breaker.

Out of curiosity, how old are your daughter and her fiancé?

@Firefly100 is spot on.

It's beautifully worded and very clear. She needs to spell this out to him in small words like this and then the ball is in his court. Either he wakes up and realises that DD and he get married where they choose or he accepts that she's not prepared to marry him whilst his family are more important to him than she is.

This, @Biggles27

Your daughter is in for a damn rough ride if she marries her partner. If he's incapable of prioritising his wife-to-be now, then that's not going to change once they are married. Keeping his parents happy is more important than your daughter's happiness, as far as her partner is concerned.

In these circumstances, I wouldn't be marrying him. Until he's able to back his own partner and make his own decisions, I'd be ending the relationship.

I think dd should write an email that includes you and the in laws.

Along the lines of ----as both families want the wedding closer to them we have chosen neutral 3rd place. Appreciate that means that some cannot come - sorry about that, and look forward to a lovely visit when all the shenanigans are over.

Call it - calmly, clearly, definitely.

If they blow, then sil needs to fix it, not her.

If that does not happen, I think she should really second guess her choice.

Dd & sil in chose venue for engagement party. Due to dd doing final professional exams THEY asked me to organise what they wanted as they knew id do their wishes. They had the best night and so did everyone that attended. I made sure I did their wishes not what I’d have done and they loved it

i did all decorations in green so neutral colour. Everything said dd name then sil name OR sil name then dd name. I made sure it was a 50/50 split. The welcome sign said dd then sil. Consulted mil but she didn’t offer any input but I tried to engage

this was in the South where dd lives - no where near us

mabel didn’t come! Not important but just mentioning it

at the party fil keeps going on about how rich everyone is - there was one rich person, everyone else is ‘normal’ jobs - mechanic, painter/decorator, etc. but he had a real thing about how much money was in the room - odd

then we get an invite to a second engagement party up North

so we offer help and say anything you want to use (we had donut stands, candy cart etc) just shout. Turned it all down. Shared nothing about the party with us - I shared everything with them so they knew it was a joint party when I organised

turn up and everything is blue. Everything says sil name and a few things that said sil then dd. Welcome sign said welcome to sil name party - nothing about dd!!!!

we catered for multiple allergies (including anaphylaxis and religions with dietary needs (Hindu, Muslim & Jewish) & veggies & vegans. Dd has serious food allergies. They didn’t even cater for vegetarians - dd had grapes that she could eat - didn’t cater for her at all

party had no atmosphere. Sil didn’t know most of the people there and by 9.30 most people had gone

they had donuts - I got vegan ones plus a few gluten & dairy few that I put out separately. I had offered stands - they just put them on a plate

we had excess napkins that were gold and white saying happy engagement. Told not needed as caterers providing. She bought blue ones 🤷

they’re free to turn down anything we had but dd said it felt like she had nothing to do with the party and it was his party. She struggled with the money they spent to make sure it was blue

we avoided pink and went gold and green. she went BLUE it was overwhelming. They did sweets but no one realised as they were in a corner in a basket - sweet cones tied with blue ribbon

she kept making him say hello to random people he had no idea who they were
He got pissed off and ended up just saying a polite hello and going back to dd. She kept trying to get him on his own by asking him questions.

while up there they stayed with pil and mil went into their room whilst they were asleep, took all their laundry and washed and dried it and ironed it whilst they were sleeping

mil wouldn’t let dd help set up party, insisted she stayed at home on the basis they wanted it to be a surprise but took sil. Surely you’d want to surprise them both

it doesn’t sound as bloody weird as it actually was but you get the gist

Mid 20’s

All sounds a nightmare competition and grievances on all sides. Maybe they'll call it off!

'we avoided pink and went gold and green. she went BLUE it was overwhelming. They did sweets but no one realised as they were in a corner in a basket - sweet cones tied with blue ribbon'

I mean really. This stuff should not matter.

Having been in a very similar position, I was able to stand my ground and do what we wanted rather than what in laws wanted. Sister in law also did her best to sabotage it (long story). If I was to do it again I would elope. That is my advice.

If they still want to get married after all these shenanigans, there’s Gretna Green (not visiting the dreaded Mabel en route) or the Greek islands, depending on their budget. I wouldn’t let PIL pay a penny. But in DD’s shoes, I would also have very cold feet and postpone the wedding in favour of a very long engagement or au revoir.

Agree with what everyone else is saying. And well done to your DD for seeing this for what it is.

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back
Why is SIL living where he is, in not-home-town? Was it because he wanted to get away. Does DD need to remind him of this?

Really your SIL has a choice to make either loving your DD is more important , or keeping the parents happy is more important.
Mabel can join by Zoom.
DD needs to put her foot down about this because every decision in the marriage will be vetted by the parents in Law, and pressure will be applied- a wedding venue you don't like followed moving to a town you don't like, then it will be baby names, school choices etc,etc. These people are clearly entitled and controlling- it won't stop it will just get worse and worse.
.
.

Sorry OP but I think your daughter would be mad to marry him. She will have a lifetime of dealing with PIL and it won't get better. If SIL is too wet to stand up to them, or even see that they're controlling and difficult, that doesn't bode well for the future