How can my daughter handle wedding pressure from controlling future in-laws?

[Biggles27]

This is long as I’m trying not to drip feed

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice. I’ve said I need to think about it as I’ve got an idea of what I want to say but want to mull it over for a few days as her whole relationship is at stake

basically she has a massive mil problem (and a fil)

every time her and her finance suggest a venue for the wedding pil say oh that won’t work for grandmother (let’s call her Mabel)

Mabel is in her 80’s but so are dd grandparents plus they are significantly disabled. Her grandparents are prepared to travel anywhere for the wedding, they acknowledge it’s dd and fiancés decision. Mabel refuses to travel

His parents say oh it’s your choice but whenever he suggests a venue they say oh it’s not goi g to work

Dd & sil are paying for the wedding. Families live 7 hours apart. Someone’s got to travel so dd thinks they chose where they want and everyone travels. Sil is trying to keep everyone happy and is upsetting dd to the point t where if he doesn’t stand up to them she’s not sure they can be together

He hasn’t clicked that his parents will only be happy if they get married in their home town

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back

dd and sil live approx midway between the families

tgeres lots I could say about mil but she is a problem

right where I am

sil need to sod his parents and him and dd chose where they want. It’s up to their parents & Grandparents to be happy with their choice and accept travel is involved. If you’re not prepared to travel then u don’t attend

problem is sil has never had to stand up to parents and is trying to keep them happy

dd has found THE venue but he’s refused to visit as it won’t work for his parents as Mabel won’t travel

we need to make sil wake up & realise his parents will only accept their home town & my dd will not get married their - she doesn’t like the place! She as a compromise has said no to getting married in her home town

ive said she needs to tell sil, WE have a problem. Parents will only accept your home town and I’m not willing to get married there, that doesn’t work for me so how are WE going to resolve this so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is

briwnies if you’ve got this far. I’ll try and answer any questions. I e made sil sound weak. He’s actually a lovely guy who doesn’t want to upset his parents but hasn’t realised a) it’s home town or nothing and b) how upset dd is as his parents are controlling the narrative

it became clear at the engagement party they threw how much control they want (long story but my dh was spitting) For dd the penny has dropped. Sil just thinks they are just being interested and loving parents. We need to get him to realise they are trying to control them without destroying his relationship with them and dd isn’t prepared to be in a relationship with him and his parents

Your poor DD. Thank goodness she has realised this now as she has time to act. Her fiancé has no idea how dysfunctional his family is as it’s all he’s ever known and he probably just keeps the peace and is easy going. The trouble is that they won’t stop. He has to make a stand. He’s a grown man and needs to be treated as such.
Your DD can only control her actions but what she can do is spell out what the situation means for them as others have said. It seems like a power play and the PIL are used to getting their own way.
Their relationship can survive but but your DD needs to sort out her husband problem first.

This was my story. I can tell you now, from my own lived experience, it doesn’t get any better, only worse. My in laws ruined every special occasion from my wedding announcement to the births of each of my children. My mother-in-law even made sure she was in the delivery room when I was in the transition stage of labour with my first child. Which caused me so much stress that my labour to stalled, followed by a cascade of interventions.

I have three adult DDs.

In your situation I would be inclibed to suggest to your DD that she should postpone the wedding until her finance starts acting like a grown-up.

If he hasn't twigged already just how controlling and interfering his parents are, your DD has a lifetime ahead of her of being overuled on things that matter to her by in-laws. With the very person who should have her back possibly not even realising it.

The poor love. I suppose she is madly in love with the guy. I doubt he would agree to an elopement in case his folks lose their shit. He needs a sharp shock at this point and the only way to administer that is for DD to put some space between them so they can both have a think about their priorities. If he realises that he is the one jeopardizing the relationship with his wimpish behaviour he may wake up and grow a spine. I doubt it but at least it will help DD reach a decision. I do not envy you this chat OP. At least she is discovering the nonsense now instead of 3 months into the marriage.

Thank you. I feel I’m not going mad. Obvs I won’t be telling her what to do but she does need a sounding board. I’ll think some more on how to say - do you really want a third person in this marriage

honestly he’s a lovely guy - just oblivious to how toxic his parents, especially his Mum l, are/is

Mabel can travel, just doesn’t like it as far as we can tell 🤷

Good idea!

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice.

I think she already knows how you will answer OP. She's been brave enough to ask honestly, you need to be brave enough to answer her honestly. Maybe have her read some of the stories of countless women on here that were an afterthought in their own marriages. This guy is simply not fit to be a husband, no matter how much they love each other.

Similar recently happened with my DD, future PILs were micromanaging the engagement. They parted ways fairly amicably.

He won't change. My husband was exactly the same. Bankrupted ourselves (we were paying) to hold the wedding of my mother in law's dreams. It took 20 years but only recently he realized none of it was what I wanted, wasn't an enjoyable day for me (200 people, felt like a goldfish in a bowl) and if I had my time again I'd have eloped and invested the cash in ISAs.

He's learned to stand up to them more since we had kids and they had a LOT of opinions. Without Covid I'm not sure he would have though, it helped that we had 2 years where they physically couldn't interfere.

So she needs to think what future she wants, because if he won't stand up to them, they will be moving back to his home town at some point. Because he'll start to say 'oh but mum can help with the kids' or 'oh house prices are less' or whatever else.

If she marries him, she needs to be prepared for the fact that this is what her life will look like for the foreseeable future. MIL laying down the law about how things are going to be, and her DH going along with it because he doesn't want to stand up to his mum.

She needs to be clear that they're getting married in a place that they have chosen together without outside interference or else they aren't getting married at all. If he can't prioritise what his future wife wants for her own wedding, then he won't prioritise her wishes in relation to anything else either.

Tell your daughter that this will be her future. Her husband won't change, he may even get worse especially when/if kids come along. He's prioritising his mother over his future wife before they even start their lives together. I'd tell her to run personally.

Your DD really needs a frank discussion with SIL2B about his parents. It is going to be difficult because he loves them and won’t want to hurt them, but he needs to understand that he will not be able to maintain this relationship by sitting on the fence. If there is a difference of opinion between your DD and his parents, he will have to pick a side. So he needs to have a good think about who he feels most uncomfortable upsetting.

It’s going to always be a battle at every stage. She should cut her losses. Easier said than done. But better on your own than a mummy’s boy.

Where does SIL actually want to get married? Has he said? Where they live?

Why are parents being invited to view potential venues? Have you been viewing venues?

Why hasn’t your Dd just said to him that basically his parents will be happy with nothing except their town? As it is so obvious.

In your DD’s shoes I would be considering saying ‘fuckit, registry office, 2 strangers as witnesses’ or calling off the wedding altogether, or trying counselling to explore decision making between the two of them and address his inability to stand up to his parents. Wedding dependent on outcome.

@Biggles27 Where does the dreaded Mabel live?

dont bother talking to the husband to be, just reply 'shut it bitch' every time the MIL opens her mouth..
You gotta fight fire with bigger fire.

So Mabel can travel but won't. Which suits MIL because she gets to insist the wedding is held on her home ground.

He has to make a choice what he prioritises.

If they’re in this much trouble before marriage that she’s not sure, they’ve a steep mountain to climb over the actual marriage. I’d also say they need to sit down and see what he wants-maybe he’s self sabotaging because he wants to be close to home which is his right too

This isn't just going to be a wedding problem. (And I see it's already a 'where you live' problem already.)

It's going to be a 'when you have children' problem.
It's going to be a 'how many children you have' problem.
It's going to be a 'SAHM' problem.
It's going to be a 'sleepovers with grandparents' problem.
It's going to be an 'acceptable childcare' problem.
It's going to be a 'best nursery for preschool' problem.
It's going to be a 'best preschool for right school' problem.
It's going to be a 'private, surely?' problem.
It's going to be a 'holidays together, surely?' problem.
It's going to be a 'we won't be around forever' problem.

It's going to be a lot of problems. All of them predictable.

Either your potential SIL wakes up to the reality of his parents - and fast - or she'd be well advised not to sign up to this life of misery.

banmusk
dont bother talking to the husband to be, just reply 'shut it bitch' every time the MIL opens her mouth..
You gotta fight fire with bigger fire.
😂 and we’ll see your daughter on the divorce boards in a few weeks time😂😂😂

I'd go straight for the nuclear option and suggest they elope, after all, one set of Grandparents are going to be disappointed and they can't not treat them equally can they? They love their GP's equally so there really isn't a solution so it's probably best they get married on their own. I'd advise that they share their decision with his parents too. No favourism - everyone is being considered equally.

As you are after advice to your dd/what to tell her, I’d remind her that HER needs and wishes are important. Just as important as his.
And I’d advise her to keep the discussion around her and fiance. In some ways, how controlling her (future) PIL are isn’t here nor there. What’s important is how her fiancé reacts. And whether he is capable to put her wishes (wedding mid way between the two families) at the same level as his (wedding in his home town). What the Discussion can’t be about is her PIL and whether they are unreasonable, controlling etc… yes all of that is here but the important part here is RESPECT and the respect they should have towards each other FIRST. Then they can decide how to deal with PIL. But that’s a separate conversation l

Because let’s be honest, if he can’t see that your dd wishes are as important as his, she has a lot of thinking to do.
But I suspect this is not how he sees things. He just wants to keep his parents happy. He has done so all his life so that’s his normal and he can’t see the big deal. He is going to have to kearn that not everyone life has to fit around him (so he can fit around his parents)

He knows what his parents are like but he is weak.
He doesn't love your daughter enough to stand with her and be firm.

This will be her future.
He is not someone to have children with.
Weak men that side with mummy against their "difficult"wives, destroy women.

No man is worth the misery he will bring her way.
Tell her knock any talk of perfect soulmate on the head.
He isn't perfect for her.
Unless weak men whose priority is to keep mummy happy is her type.

Also OP, remember if she moved to his town and had children, and they split up, he could legally prevent her from moving away.
In affect, keeping her stuck there.

This is a huge issue that she will bitterly regret not giving the importance it is due.

Keeping mummy happy is more important than she is.

THAT is no way to start a marriage.

He's hoping by playing obtuse that she will be ground down and just acquiesce to his mother, probably like he always has.

This is not a man that is good husband or father material, as he will always do what works best for him.

He is far ahead of her on this matter.
I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth.

OP, does she really want to be with a man who has a difficult family that he puts first?

Women invariably bitterly regret marrying such men and often resort to divorce as a result.

Or Mabel actually doesn’t care but she is an easy excuse for MIL

Maybe he's having the same conversation with his mum and Mabel is being used as a way to put the brakes on the wedding....

They need to sit down together, just the two of them and have a very serious and honest conversation about how they each see the future. There really is no way around this. They have to have a conversation where everything is put on the table and they're completely honest with each other about what they want. If they can't do this then they're not ready to get married.