How can my daughter handle wedding pressure from controlling future in-laws?

[Biggles27]

This is long as I’m trying not to drip feed

Daughter came home this weekend specifically asking for advice. I’ve said I need to think about it as I’ve got an idea of what I want to say but want to mull it over for a few days as her whole relationship is at stake

basically she has a massive mil problem (and a fil)

every time her and her finance suggest a venue for the wedding pil say oh that won’t work for grandmother (let’s call her Mabel)

Mabel is in her 80’s but so are dd grandparents plus they are significantly disabled. Her grandparents are prepared to travel anywhere for the wedding, they acknowledge it’s dd and fiancés decision. Mabel refuses to travel

His parents say oh it’s your choice but whenever he suggests a venue they say oh it’s not goi g to work

Dd & sil are paying for the wedding. Families live 7 hours apart. Someone’s got to travel so dd thinks they chose where they want and everyone travels. Sil is trying to keep everyone happy and is upsetting dd to the point t where if he doesn’t stand up to them she’s not sure they can be together

He hasn’t clicked that his parents will only be happy if they get married in their home town

everytime dd visits her mil pressurises them to look at houses nearby. My dd keeps batting her away but mil keeps putting pressure on him to move back

dd and sil live approx midway between the families

tgeres lots I could say about mil but she is a problem

right where I am

sil need to sod his parents and him and dd chose where they want. It’s up to their parents & Grandparents to be happy with their choice and accept travel is involved. If you’re not prepared to travel then u don’t attend

problem is sil has never had to stand up to parents and is trying to keep them happy

dd has found THE venue but he’s refused to visit as it won’t work for his parents as Mabel won’t travel

we need to make sil wake up & realise his parents will only accept their home town & my dd will not get married their - she doesn’t like the place! She as a compromise has said no to getting married in her home town

ive said she needs to tell sil, WE have a problem. Parents will only accept your home town and I’m not willing to get married there, that doesn’t work for me so how are WE going to resolve this so he doesn’t feel she’s making him chose between her and his parents - even though she is

briwnies if you’ve got this far. I’ll try and answer any questions. I e made sil sound weak. He’s actually a lovely guy who doesn’t want to upset his parents but hasn’t realised a) it’s home town or nothing and b) how upset dd is as his parents are controlling the narrative

it became clear at the engagement party they threw how much control they want (long story but my dh was spitting) For dd the penny has dropped. Sil just thinks they are just being interested and loving parents. We need to get him to realise they are trying to control them without destroying his relationship with them and dd isn’t prepared to be in a relationship with him and his parents

I disagree with everyone saying they should elope. Unless Sil is prepared to stand up for DD then she should walk away.

Now I’ve read about the second engagement party I think DD should call the whole thing off.

What happened after the engagement party? Surely SIL was annoyed that his own fiancé’s name had been missed off the party sign? That’s so weird. Did your daughter raise it with him?

Honestly I couldn’t give a toss about doughnuts or napkins and I suggest OP you don’t drive yourself mad worrying about that sort of thing either. What’s important is they are weirdly possessive of their son and excluding of your daughter and SIL needs to learn to say no to his parents. He’s only young so if he starts now it could be ok. But he needs to understand how important it is to prioritise his future wife fgs.

On a basic level - couldn’t care less - they do them! But it was how she had to control everything that bothered me

there is no way I’d have spent money on those things knowing I could get them free - maybe I’m just thrifty 😂

it’s like she HAD to have all her stuff, you kinda had to be there! It’s hard to explain, it was strange

End it now it'll only get worse when grandkids are in the picture

Individually yes it's not the end of the world but when you look at the whole picture it shows a trend of what's to come plus the trying to influence the venue they choose.

And the trying to hug SILs attention during the second party while leaving the bride out, and why the hell is she going into their room to wash their clothes while they are sleeping????

I know people like this, busybodies who want to be involved and control everything but it also comes at a price, deferring to them.

It's better to set boundaries early and nip it in the bud than take the approach of it's not too bad, they take a step then another and another and before you know it you're deep into the whole drama and mess while SIL watches like a wimp eager to keep his dear mama happy at the expense of his new bride.

I had exactly this for my wedding, I wish I had noticed the red flags then because it's been over 20 years now of the same problems!

Really the wedding isn't the problem, they can elope if they want but it won't change his DMs mindset, she's always going to see your DD as the woman whose stealing her DS and that's not the start to a happy marriage unless he can stand up to her. Your DD very sensible to have seen the problems before marriage, if she's feeling doubts she needs to listen to them

this. Tell your daughter to run. now.

Do they even want a big wedding? They are only in their mid-20s and it doesn’t sound like you or they are rich. Is it the future in-laws who are pushing for all these overblown celebrations? What do your daughter and her fiancé actually want?

If she goes ahead with this wedding, she will be controlled by her in-laws forever. Where they live, how their children are raised and schooled, whether she should work or be a SAHM…….. everything will be subject to their approval and interference.

She is so young. There is no need to tie herself down at this stage in her life. Whether she leaves him or stays with him and sees how it goes is a decision only she can make but, whatever she does, she needs to decide with her eyes wide open.

Actually there's a thread in AIBU you might want to look at Op- it's posted by BitTooEarlyForXmas and called Bit early, but AIBU for not wanting two nights at in-laws over Christmas - I think it's an interesting insight into what will happen to your DD if this doesn't get sorted

My MIL is similar-ish, but my DH has learned how to deal with it now and we don't see them anywhere near as much as we used to. Having children intensified it (now less intense due to DH's sister having a baby recently).

My advice to her for the wedding would be to pull away from both sides for the planning. Visit venues just the two of them, don't tell anyone when the visits are happening, etc. and then tell everyone "We are getting married in X place on Y date, hope you can make it".

If their marriage is going to work, your DD's fiancé has got to recognise and understand that they are now their own 'family unit', rather than your DD becoming another child of MILs who has to do whatever she says.

Has your DD ignored previous red flags because how have they got to the point of getting engaged before she realises they are a problem. He has controlling probably narcissistic parents and needs to learn to self-differentiate from them otherwise it will be an ongoing battle and she will lose respect for him if he can’t stand up for himself and her. Your DD needs to lay it on the line for him, give him the chance to man up but if not maybe he’s not the right man for her to marry. I wouldn’t make any further wedding plans for now. These people will be her children’s grandparents and the interfering will be never ending if he cannot set boundaries. Mumsnet is full of posts about the problems interfering in laws cause. If it does go ahead, perhaps Mable could watch the wedding on FaceTime. Plenty of elderly people do this when they are not able or willing to travel.

Okay, so very young. Honestly I think she should find someone better and more mature. She is in no rush at all. There’s a reason they call getting married before your late twenties “working on your first divorce.”

That said, his age is also probably a huge factor here. Men are slower to mature anyway, but especially when they have domineering mothers doing most of their thinking for them. It’s quite possible that he’ll distance himself from his mum and take charge of his own life as he gets older. But if she wants to wait around and see she should delay the wedding in the meantime. Or, like I said, find someone else with a less batshit family. Really can’t understate the importance of the non-batshit family. 😂

It sounds like a North/South cultural divide where your DD's future MIL has a massive chip on her shoulder. Where did your DD and your future SIL meet? I'm getting the vibes of him being the first in their family to go to University and them feeling threatened and trying to pull him back home.

She will be a nightmare MIL to your DD and it will get even worse if/when they have kids.

Her fiance needs to grow a backbone and set some boundaries with his mum, otherwise your DD will end up calling the whole thing off.

SIL needs to make a big choice and quickly and your D needs to make him aware that every occasion in the future will need the same choice.
However, if it isn’t D that he puts first then she needs to end the relationship- her life will become a nightmare.
If he grows a backbone and stands up to his parents life will be much better for both of them.

If their marriage is going to work, your DD's fiancé has got to recognise and understand that they are now their own 'family unit', rather than your DD becoming another child of MILs who has to do whatever she says.

this sums it up.

It sounds like your DD has some inkling of what her future would be though, and her sense to be willing to walk away .. if she must. Good luck, OP.

@Biggles27Speaking from experience, if your DD is truly sure she wants to go ahead then this needs to be nipped in the bud fairly sharpish. I was around your DD’s age when I got married and my DH was much more of a people pleaser (specifically a MIL pleaser) than he is nowadays and it hasn’t been easy. This thread has given me flashbacks to planning our wedding when DH was picking his groomsmen and MIL insisted he “had” to have his sister’s (now ex bf) boyfriend as one for the ever-logical reason that “for your sister’s sake and she’s the only one with a partner”. That was nipped in the bud after I had a conversation with DH and reminded him that he should have people he actually wants standing up there with him to witness the covenant he’s making not just legally, but in our case, with God. He ended up having people he actually wanted instead.

Then there was another time where DH’s family wanted a second party held for those who couldn’t attend our wedding. That was a big fat no. And only just last year at Christmas (I have a whole thread on it) where MIL insisted we “had” to go to hers on Christmas Day. Again that was a no from us. And do you know what? On every occasion everybody had to just get on with it.

So it is possible to handle it. But my point from all of the above examples is that these people might not ever stop completely trying their nonsense with your DD and SIL. They will have to keep pushing back and set expectations or else your DD and possibly your SIL as well are going to get resentful. To the person suggesting they elope, why should they? They get one day and they’re paying for it and even if the ILS were helping, it shouldn’t mean there should be any strings attached.

Now isn’t the time for compromise, in fact I would say there’s no better time than now for your DD & SIL to set some firm boundaries and lead by example. But it will involve your SIL in some capacity having to stand up to them. And if they are by any chance religious and having any readings at the wedding, I strongly recommend having someone read Genesis 2:24, which has the passage “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh” - I had one of my family read this at our own wedding just to hammer the point home a bit

DD will need your support no doubt. I would just be there for her and listen to her when she phones you up for a vent (and there will be many times ).

Realistically, MIL is going to be grumpy about any venue that’s not close to her home.

She may accept a venue near your home (on the grounds brides traditionally got married from their parents home and before mentioned disabled grandparents on your side) or very close to where SIL and DD live now. Anywhere else will be drama.

So I guess the trick now is for your dd and SIL to pick a venue fast and then get invites out before MIL to being difficult and try to change it. Get a deposits paid.

However, id advise dd to have a serious chat with SIL, is he ok with a his grandmother not being at his wedding? If she’s a “must have” then DD might have to accept what MIL wants and being near SILs home town. If he’s ok with her not going, then as long as it’s a venue with disabled access/hotels nearby, then go with it.

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I'm relieved to read that. I think your daughter would be very wise to walk away. You never know, her ex-fiance might then come to his senses and realise that if he wants a happy marriage, he needs to stand up to his family's attempts at control and build a new life with his wife. But if he's not ready for that, then he's not ready for a serious, long-term relationship.

Hearing about the second engagement party and that your poor daughter could only eat grapes because future inlaws included her allergens, she'd be very foolish to marry him.

She'd better get an extra EpiPen too.

He's not ready to unenmesh himself from his family

She definitely needs to postpone the wedding. She can't marry him now when all this is unresolved.

I would advise your Dd to call off the wedding and tell him how she feels. Give it a year or so to see if he can start prioritising her over his parents and take it from there.

Sorry, I meant in relation to the controlling MIL.

Will do x