Boyfriend strange with money

[Midfortiescamb]

My boyfriend is confusing me. Been together about 1.5 years, both 47, divorced. I have three kids, shared custody, he has two who are 15 and 12 and he sees every other weekend. He's lovely with my kids and easy to be around, bit over chatty but fine. He's generally kind and patient and has gotten over pushing us to live together which was driven by the fact that he hates paying rent but has now put an offer in on buying his own house. There's a money issue though and I've tried to be fair and patient...on our first date he didn't take his card out to pay, so I did and he later said he liked that I didn't expect him to pay (I didn't tbh but told myself why should the man pay). He paid for our second date in a simple Vietnamese place but I could feel his tension shuffling his cards choosing which one. But he was sweet so we carried on. Our first road trip he drove so I offered petrol money, he accepted and from then on it was clear I'd pay half for petrol. Meals were always split. I spoiled him as I like to on his bday in a lovely restaurant and gifts etc. On my bday he got me a pair of earrings on sale on Etsy which were pretty and took me to a restaurant but tensely said 'is this the kind of place you get starters' so I obviously said no need and only got a cheap main. He told me the other part of my gift was he'd take me for a hike and I wouldn't have to pay half for petrol. He cried a bit the next morning after I was honest after he asked me were the gifts not good and I gently said that petrol thing wasn't really normal. A few weeks later when he said he wanted to see me so would go to his fave Chinese on the way and bring it to mine without offering to get me some I calmly told him I'm struggling with this constant splitting of things, he should trust that I'm not after his money and I took him out to celebrate his new job etc. I am a generous person. To make up for the bday he bought me flowers but mentioned how they're good value in Morrissons, where they were from. Fast forward to this bday coming up in two weeks...I was honestly so nervous about him spoiling it so I booked myself a cottage in Wales for a couple of days and it hurt him but I told him to please not take it personally. My ex husband upset me on my bdays and I could do with a couple of days to myself but really, I know boyfriend isn't good at romance and I couldn't face another awkward meal. Anyway, twice over the last few weeks he has mentioned how he budgeted for my present (a hot water bottle) last month so this month he's budgeting for the meal. He earns £50k and only gives his ex wife the amount the child support calculator asks of him which is around £200 ish per month, he says because she gets children's allowance: not my business but I do think kids cost more and his daughter is autistic so needs therapy. Anyway, he then asked whether I want to go to the restaurants i took him to on my bday, I said, please - you choose. He said 'I'll just take you to the one you took me to'. I said to him, my love, please can we just not do bdays, anniversaries, Xmas (he got me a five pack of socks)...let's free ourselves, there's something awkward/tense with money and its making me uncomfortable, feeling like work/burden. He got very upset and said he couldn't feel more hurt or empty and is now not really talking to me! Its been 2 days. I told him he'd never expressed any kind of excitement about my bday and I just don't want this heaviness. There are just so many money orientated odd things...like he bought me pink salt and I said it was lovely and he said '£1'. I know his ex wife said he was controlling about money but he said she expected him to be the bread winner and was financially abusive: obviously I don't know the full story. It all just feels so awkward and I don't like how he's gone cold. Otherwise he's very affectionate and sweet....not selfish in bed but a bit predictable. Anyway....thoughts?

Gosh this is like my brother. His long term partner left him in the end over it. He got worse with age. He was very mean to her and the children, only buying the cheapest food and clothes from car boot sales. But his clothes were from next and he hid nicer chocolate and biscuits for himself. He was terrible with birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. I’d visit Christmas Eve with presents for the children and there were none under the tree, he told me he’d get something’s in the Boxing Day sale?! One day he rang me asking me to babysit 3 children that same day. He wanted to drop them off asap and collect in the late hours. I explained I had plans and an early 6am start at work the next day. He demanded I did this as he hadn’t done anything for their anniversary. I asked him why not? He had plenty of time to go out and buy flowers, chocolates and ingredients to cook her a meal?! He didn’t want to spend money but could gift her a break, facilitated by me?! Nope 👎 that’s a you problem not a me problem! I’ll be honest with you, he is missable with money. I’d dump your boyfriend, you can do better.

Yuck
Mean people are very unattractive
I had an ex that would set a 15 minute timer for the heating when there was snow on the ground and try to get me to eat out of date food
He was proud to reduce his child maintenance during covid too, like he was being clever or something.

Dump dump dump
It's miserable

You’re completely incompatible. It’s up to him if and how he wants to spend his money on you, but the fact you dreaded your own birthday and went away alone to avoid him speaks volumes. This is a two way relationship and it’s not working for you. Just knock it on the head and save yourself more angst.

Glad you’ve seen this isn’t normal op.

Men aren’t mandatory, focus on yourself, your kids, your job, your friends and what makes you happy.

Embrace being single.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Okay setting aside the meanness, a list of red flags for next time which means you bin a man off

• only sees his kids every other weekend (men have a lot of excuses for this, but you cant be a dad seeing your kids every other weekend, you just cant)
• only pays the minimum despite being on a decent wage
• starts talking about moving in, ie living with your children, so early. Any good person/parent would see that that its too soon and would want to give it more time and tread caredully for the children's sake regardless of your feelings as a couple

But, enjoy being single!

He is mean around money, you are generous just on that basis you are not compatible and are setting yourself up for unhappiness.
He hasn’t spoken to you in 2 days because you tried to express what you were feeling in, I assume, a rational way.
My DH best friend has similar traits, although he’s generous with his friends children. He is long term single probably in part because of it, he is genuinely a lovely bloke but his childhood although happy, money wasn’t really around and every penny had to be watched.
He is now in a successful career, own home etc but he just can’t stop making sure everything is fairly split and everyone pays their share, never spends money on what he considers frivolous things.
The fact your partner has stropped off is more of a concern to me than the money at this point because I would just stop celebrating birthdays etc as you’ve suggested if you want to continue the relationship.
Add in the fact he only pays the bare minimum for his child, blames his ex wife for everything, I think you perhaps know deep down it’s not going to work. I couldn’t look past the stinginess to his own child I’m afraid…

A great many people grow up in homes where money was very tight, my dh is just one, but it didn’t make them mean with money for ever afterwards.

Some people who have never been ‘short’ are unpleasantly stingy anyway.

It sounds like he has autism.

My thoughts exactly; his attitude to money was most likely formed in childhood. Have you ever talked about his parents? (In general I mean, not necessarily their views on money).

I can’t beleive you’ve put up with this for a year and a half. Take control and end it.

my husband and I split things, according to our salaries, always have, but we are both generous and no one counts the pennies, never have, we also wouldn’t dream of buying things like socks or a hot water bottle as the only gift, these things are the basics not gifts

its all so studenty, splitting petrol, cheap gifts. But the crying is so utterly ick inducing,

honeslty I don’t know how you stomach it.

Good god, I’ve seen people rush to diagnose, but being tight is not a sign of autism,

That's because he's a tight sod. Get rid OP, it's not worth your time and energy.

My ex was a bit like this with money, I can definitely relate to dreading meals out or birthdays/ Christmas/holidays and the inevitable tension that would ensue when it came to spending money.

I remember once, years ago, I was on a train with him. The ticket collector came along and we told him which tickets we wanted (in those days you could buy a ticket when you were on the train). My ex handed the ticket collector his debit card, but at the same time he didn't let go of it, so there was a kind of tug of war between the two of them. The ticket collector ended up looking more and more confused as my ex was hanging onto his card for dear life and wouldn't let go of it!

Basically my ex was very very anxious about money, spending money, feeling out of control etc. It was really exhausting and stressful to live with to be honest. He did go to therapy a few times but it didn't take have any long term effect.

It sounds like your boyfriend's pattern with money is deeply ingrained too. It must be hard for them to be like that, but it's also very hard to be in a relationship with someone like that!

He will change - but not positively. In my experience this gets worse with age. Eventually they won't pay to do anything other than exist.
Get out OP.

My mother has a best friend who has lived like this her whole life. He paid for a light bulb and left a note on the mantelpiece with the receipt asking for the money as she was the one who read by the light of the lamp. Her whole existence was like that, just nobody really knew. He wouldn’t drive her to a hospital appointment without charging her for the petrol.

I cannot imagine what “sweetness” is worth putting up with this miserable git. It won’t be long before you start paying for everything not to upset the apple cart.

Run before you start taking from your own children to make up for his stinginess.

He’s really stingy and will never change. Dump.

Give yourself the finest birthday present ever by doing The Freedom Programme. It was put together by a DA charity to help abused women find out how to spot the red flags and strengthen their boundaries so they don't end up in another abusive relationship. Unless you do this specific type of therapy you have a higher chance of sleepwalking into another one. And another. And another.

And you are in an abusive relationship right now. Look up emotional abuse, financial abuse, and coercive abuse. He is definitely exhibiting the first two. Give yourself a second birthday gift by walking away and protect yourself and your children from him, he's awful.

I had one like that… eating for free everytime he visited, showing empty handed. But if I asked him to get something from the supermarket for the dinner he was going to have, he would always get the worst quality cheapest version of what I asked for and made sure the receipt was put facing up on the kitchen worktop.

This relationship is clearly over. Just try not to hate him. It won’t do you any good. He sounds psychiatric about money. It’s clearly something deep seated. One wonders if he has had debt problems or if his family did when he was growing up. He needs to work on that before he’s ready for a relationship, but it’s not your job to tell him that or do any more to sort him out. The relationship has run its course. Time to bow out with your head held high.

Sorry, just dump him! Men who are mean with money never change

Omg. That’s awful. What a horrible man.

Thank God you resisted his push to live together. I reckon he would’ve ended up a cock-lodger. I think you are well-rid OP - you sound like a lovely person.

I think thats reasonable grounds to end a relationship. And also the fact that when you try and communicate about issues he just breaks down crying and seems unable to reflect on things and communicate properly.