Friend's husband showing up uninvited whenever we meet

[Verona1976]

I've been friends with someone for 12 years, and we've always had a great relationship. The issue is her husband, who I feel is very controlling, although she either doesn't recognise it or chooses not to see it.
Whenever we meet for lunch or drinks, he'll use a phone tracking app to see where she is and then unexpectedly show up. I know plenty of families use location-sharing apps for safety, but it doesn't seem normal to me that he regularly turns up during our time together.
As soon as he arrives, the atmosphere completely changes. What was a relaxed, fun catch-up suddenly becomes tense, and we end up feeling obliged to include him in the conversation. It's awkward, and it spoils the time we had planned together.
This has happened on several occasions now, and it's starting to affect our friendship. I've tried mentioning it to her, but she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the situation. I'm not sure what to do next.

Hate it when people bring other people (not agreed beforehand) … to a meet up ! Totally changes the dynamic !

I think the advice to confront him, or get up and leave when he arrives etc is terrible. He will look for any excuse to cut her off from her friends, and she needs you. We've seen people posting on here with who experience awful emotional abuse, and sexual abuse, but they can't see it for what it is and it takes a chorus of women on here to help get it across. She isn't ready to hear it. Please be there when she is. You've already looked into resources about coercive control. Women's Aid, Refuge, Safe Lives, First Light, have online resources about it. There will be advice on how to help someone experiencing it.

This is super difficult. With your regular run of the mill insecure Dick you could call him out and shame him by exclaiming loudly FFS Dick!!! You again!!! What are you doing here, dont you trust Angela just to have a normal lunch with some mates without having to tag along? You werent invited, fuck off!

But with a seriously controlling person with violent tendencies, that could be very dangerous, for you and for her. Maybe you need to find out which he is - a stupid little insecure boring naff with no friends of his own who cant bear to be on his own, or a deeply unpleasant controlling person with a personality disorder and pathology that could seriously hurt your friend and anyone who tries to support her.

In this situation yes, most likely but not in all situations.

This was my bff second husband's action too. He was very violent in the end. He tried to kill her. She thought it was sweet at first.
I would say to her I'm sorry but I think he's trying to control you. I hope they don't have children as she needs to open her eyes and LTB.

I wouldn’t do what others do and start leaving when he arrives, that’s probably what he wants to happen. I’d just try to carry on and not bother to include him.

Do they only have one car?
Has your friend lost her licence?

Make a point of leaving phones at home when you meet. Is there a women only club that you can join and meet at?

Your poor friend. How did it play out?

Why will she not come to your house?

Holy crap on a cracker, what a controlling nut job.

My husband is very controlling, suffocating, manipulative etc and I'm in the throes of leaving him. However, it took me years to realise he was all of these things and that I was being emotionally and financially abused. He likes to check where I am but even he hasn't done anything like you describe your friend's husband doing. My husband has tried to invite himself along on a girls trip before but I shut that down and he is usually rude to my friends or rude to me in front of them or ignores them altogether. Does the husband do these things with you?
The trouble is, your friend may not realise she needs help until something opens her eyes to make her realise her relationship is abusive, if it is. Until her eureka moment, she (like I did) will probably just think there are aspects of her husband's behaviour she is unhappy with but nobody is perfect and every relationship takes work, right? Ha!
My eureka moment was randomly reading a self help book about gaslighting. My jaw dropped open and the scales fell from my eyes as I recognised my husband's behaviour, which then led to me secretly reading more books about abusive behaviour and secretly having therapy.
I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her, and if you can, somehow place information in front of her that shows what an abusive relationship looks like and what the red flags are, so she can decide for herself. I'm not sure how you would do this, because simply telling her won't work, she needs to discover for herself. My best friend of 28 years ago suggested my husband was controlling and I just thought "Wtf is she on about?" and thought no more about it. If only I had listened!!

Suggest joining the WI amd meet there. Unless you are going to confront him/her you’ll be left wondering if this is serious coercive control that will escalate

Get her to come round yours. Turn ring cam off, ignore the bastard if he dares to knock your door. Or, my failsafe ‘sorry, my dog is aggressive (true!) to people he doesn’t know so you can’t come in I’m afraid’ Outrageous and quite frightening! Probably tip of the iceberg, your poor friend. Do they have children?

Yes she has children with him. Thanks to everyone who has given suggestions. I think I'll have to just try and make arrangements when he's otherwise occupied or tell her that I just want it to be the two of us. He's such a pain!

When he appears does he act like it was accidental and he was just walking past and happened upon you or is he quite brazen about the fact he’s stalked her and followed her?

No idea. She changes the subject when I bring it up

She used to drive but I suspect that he persuaded her not to drive anymore and he sold her car so now she never comes to mine. There are so many other things I want to say but it'd be too obvious if she read it. He's just so controlling

Its brazen. She can see that he's tracking and he turns up. He always happens to be in the city for another reason but comes and hijacks our meet ups

Does she have any other friends?

Christ OP, sounds like you are a bit of a lifeline for her.

I doubt he'd be upset if you got annoyed and stopped meeting up with your friend. Even though it is tough to stomach, I'd keep making arrangements. One day she might really need you in her life.

Do you think there is any concern for the kids?

Did she tell you there were cameras everywhere in her home?

Exactly this.

Omg. I sorry to hear your friend has children with this man. He will be modelling this behaviour to them.
My bff took fourteen years to leave. Women's aid say four attempts. Taking your friends car away is shocking.
I think it's time for a 'I'm worried about you ' conversation. You also need to keep seeing your friend. I didn't see mine for two years at one point and when I did her six months pregnant belly was covered in bruises. He'd pushed her down the stairs.
Does she have siblings, parents? Do you know them? These men are often charming but it's all a performance. I haven't seen one of my friends for ten years after she married a ponce. Other people's husbands don't like me because I'm not a little woman. I grew up with a police officer for a mother who worked on DV units.
Please keep going. Sadly she'll need you.

Yes to keep an eye on the dogs apparently

Her other friends and family live far away. She barely sees the other friends and never sees family. I'm the nearest. I don't think he's physically abusive but the mental control and how restricted she is, is just so scary. Like a caged bird really, that's only allowed out when he says so.

I had a friend like this. He used to make me open the boot of my car to check that there were no men hiding in it if I picked her up to go for a drink. She died of cancer, and he banned all of her friends from attending her funeral. One friend didn’t get the message that she wasn’t welcome and turned up. There was the friend’s husband, her adult kids and a couple of neighbours at the funeral. No wake. Her husband disappeared afterwards so she went to the pub for a quick drink with the kids. She messaged me to ask why I and other friends hadn’t turned up, and I said her husband had made it very clear that under no circumstances were we to turn up. Her kids had no idea about this and were devastated that none of her friends had come to pay their respects. She always wanted to get away from him but didn’t have the courage.