Friend's husband showing up uninvited whenever we meet

[Verona1976]

I've been friends with someone for 12 years, and we've always had a great relationship. The issue is her husband, who I feel is very controlling, although she either doesn't recognise it or chooses not to see it.
Whenever we meet for lunch or drinks, he'll use a phone tracking app to see where she is and then unexpectedly show up. I know plenty of families use location-sharing apps for safety, but it doesn't seem normal to me that he regularly turns up during our time together.
As soon as he arrives, the atmosphere completely changes. What was a relaxed, fun catch-up suddenly becomes tense, and we end up feeling obliged to include him in the conversation. It's awkward, and it spoils the time we had planned together.
This has happened on several occasions now, and it's starting to affect our friendship. I've tried mentioning it to her, but she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the situation. I'm not sure what to do next.

tell her if he shows up, you will leave.
then leave if he shows up

Oh my goodness that is awful!

She doenst think there is anything with her DH tracking her location and turning up at a girls lunch he wasn’t invited to?!

Do you have a DH? Can you say something like oh I didn’t know it’s was husbands this is awkward I’d have asked DH!

Do you guys have other friends. Can you arrange something with her & them, wait for him to turn up & then make it clear he is unwelcome.

Are you married? I'd ask dh to keep it free and when her dh arrives say wonderful I'll call Dave. And ask dh to distract him. Prick. Obviously it requires your dh taking one for the team. Or I'd just leave every time until she got the point.

I suppose it depends does she really think it's not a big deal or is she scared and hoping you won't notice

Some dancing around it and address it head
in with your friend. As per the first post,
tell her if it happens again you will leave. And when it happens, leave. Alternatively, ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s playing at? Then leave.

How do you arrange your meet-ups?
If it is by text I would send "Hi friend. Be great to catch up soon. Let me know a date we can meet that doesn't conflict with Mr. Friend being at a loose end. I feel awkward pouring out my trivial life when it isn't just me and you, and I'm sure he finds it all a bit boring as well!"
It is then in writing so 1) no confusion that you don't want him to come and 2) if he is controlling (as sounds likely) she can show him what you sad and blame you for him not butting in.
This poor women probably needs you and, unless you are clear and direct that you don't want her (D)H there, you are likely to walk away from the friendship do she will lose your support. No harm in spelling things out.

Are you a man @Verona1976 or a woman?

This is a perfect suggested text!

It's not ok. You know that . And if she doesn't know that , she's brainwashed
Next time you meet ask her straight out, is controlling husband turning up? Because of he is it's not normal.
Tell her. You are worried because it's not normal.
Tracking someone's movements isn't lovely and caring. It's control and power and it's not healthy or normal.

We are all missing the point here. The OP is concerned for her friend.

It's not normal behaviour it's controlling behaviour and there is probably more going on behind closed doors.

Can you please research domestic violence help/support in your area.
You will need to find a way to discreetly give her this information.
Let her know that you can help in any way and you will support her when she feels the time is right.

X

What crunched said, but also how about arranging things that people can't just show up to? Stuff you have to book ahead for? Like theatre, cinema, spa days/evenings.

I have tried this before and her husband doesn't care, as long as he gets to keep an eye on her, he doesn't mind who else is there. She's oblivious and thinks it's great that we're all together but my boyfriend thinks he's odd and wouldn't want to meet up with him again.

I'm quite blunt and would probably say, 'What the fuck are you doing here, Dave? Bugger off, it's girls only and I want to catch up with Sarah without you listening in'.

If he refuses to leave I'd say to her, 'Sorry mate. I'm not interested in spending time with your weird, controlling DH. I'm off'.

Call him out on it if she won't.

This is horrifying.

Don't leave her..!!!!

if he turns up look him square in the eye and ask him to leave.
Frame it politely say you need to talk about a personal issue.

I would be explaining how abnormal this is and offering her support

Eugh, I had a friend with a husband like that. I told her that I thought it was quite sinister. She made excuses for him, laughed it off. I think she found it flattering that he couldn’t be apart from her. She did not thank me for it. He ended up going to prison for trying to kill her. Awful man.

I'm a woman

Came back to say, phone tracking app = wife tracking app.
Who tracks their spouse?
A controlling nutter. That's who.

I would text her to organise a meet up, and add something like “I know Brian likes to pop along but I’d really appreciate it if you and I could have this time just the two of us, I have some personal stuff I need your advice on. Is that ok?”

I think that's irrelevant, your spouse having a friend of the opposite sex doesn't justify stalking them.

I find this so sinister op. This is the type of man who could be dangerous if your friend ever stood up to him. It's extremely controlling and calculated.

It's very difficult when the abused person refuses to recognise what's happening. All you can do is gently get her to see the truth and do your best to avoid this man when with her. I'd try to keep your friend in your life if you can as she may really need you one day.

I expect he is constantly accusing her of having affairs.

You need to tell her he isn’t welcome. Or book tickets to theatre, choosing seats where he can’t be near you.

Very concerning

She could leave her phone at your house, then the two of you set off somewhere further away.

Nah, she wants to get out of lunch and this is her excuse. She texts him and he turns up.

SATC had an episode about doing it.

I’d distance myself. If she wants to meet you she’ll message you.

That's really not the case here. She really does want to meet up with me (she suggests it) and have a girls day but only seems to be allowed, when he has other plans close by.

And risk enraging him?

What happens if you are in a spa /ticket only/ someone’s house that he can’t get into? You may need to be more devious with your planning and choose places where he can’t just walk in.