Friend's husband showing up uninvited whenever we meet

[Verona1976]

I've been friends with someone for 12 years, and we've always had a great relationship. The issue is her husband, who I feel is very controlling, although she either doesn't recognise it or chooses not to see it.
Whenever we meet for lunch or drinks, he'll use a phone tracking app to see where she is and then unexpectedly show up. I know plenty of families use location-sharing apps for safety, but it doesn't seem normal to me that he regularly turns up during our time together.
As soon as he arrives, the atmosphere completely changes. What was a relaxed, fun catch-up suddenly becomes tense, and we end up feeling obliged to include him in the conversation. It's awkward, and it spoils the time we had planned together.
This has happened on several occasions now, and it's starting to affect our friendship. I've tried mentioning it to her, but she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the situation. I'm not sure what to do next.

Have you ever tried asking him why he does this? I'd be quite tempted to address it with him, politely but directly. Something along the lines of "It's nice to see you, John, but I have noticed that every time we get together for a girls' chat you turn up, whereas this never happens with my other friends. Just wondering why that is?"

I would start to leave as soon as he arrives, invite her to my house where he can't just turn up, or I'd just stop bother with this friend.

I would just get up and leave, every single time. But I would say, in here to meet you not your dh and every time we meet he shows up. When we can have an alone catch up let me know. I can’t be arsed with that shit. Just be honest

No, we didn't. But nothing about OP's post suggests the friend has an issue with her husband and wants to leave him, but can't. In fact, it sounds like the friend isn't one bit mortified about her husband and doesn't see the issue with him "joining" them. What a strange advice you've given...

He doesn’t want her spending time alone with you because he senses you’re a good friend to her and that she may disclose to you other information about his behaviour towards / treatment of her.

You’re going to have to be direct with your friend by telling her that you’ll always be there to support her when she needs you but if her husband turns up again in future (which he obviously will) when you’ve arranged to meet her, then you’ll be forced to leave immediately - and mean it. Personally, I’d then also have to say something to him directly, but appreciate some people struggle with directness.

If she doesn’t have an issue with her husband TRACKING her location & showing up uninvited to a girls lunch that would be extremebly odd. She organised lunch, if she wanted him there she could have asked “Dear friend, would you like to have lunch with Dave & I?”. But she didn’t and yet here he is every single time like the controlling weirdo he is.

We track each other for good (non creepy) reasons but neither of us would ever do what @Verona1976 is describing, that’s very odd…

This.
Set a boundary and then hold it.

I think you marry the message that you want to see her not him and you’ll get going if he turns up with concern, in case he is being controlling. She may need a friend in her situation.

For her sake, confront him. And you need to leave every time he does it. Up to now, he's been getting away with it. Make it uncomfortable because he's relying on nobody speaking up.

OP, I would be really interested in hearing what the partner’s personality/behaviour is like

Does he have to force his opinion on people, give unwanted advice, like to disagree and is argumentative?

I used to have a manager who was absolutely horrendous for the above and incredibly controlling. We often wondered what life was like for his wife. I met her a few times, she was very quiet and didn’t really speak. I think over time he had taken over her life and did all the talking and thinking for her

When did this start ?

Erm no, certainly not in the daytime when my husband is at work. We're both semi retired and have days when one is working and one isn't. He doesn't always know what I'm doing or who I'm seeing. He'll usually say "what have you been up to today?" When he gets home and I'll tell him I met up with Carrie or whoever, or I was volunteering. It's no big deal to him, as it shouldn't be. We don't have to cross check diaries.

I think you do need to screw up your courage and speak to her directly about it. You can say that your friendship is important and you don't want to upset her, but you are concerned that her H's behaviour is abnormal and appears to be controlling, and if she does decide in the future that she wants to do something about it then you will stand by her and help.
She might be defensive and dismissive to start with but it might plant a seed in her mind but she'll know that you're not going to abandon her.

On a lighter note, if she is able to track him (but I bet she doesn't), I'd want to have a game of cat and mouse where you move on just as he is about to get to you!

edited for clarity

You'd be surprised by what women see is "care". I wouldn't assume this woman actually sees an issue with her husband - it doesn't sound like she does, from what OP says.

You've clearly never had any experience of domestic violence.

OP said she can tell that her friend doesn’t like it when he joins them.

She doesn't like it, I can tell, but she would never admit it.

Absolutely this.

Does he make out he was just passing every time he appears or is he quite obvious about the fact her has purposely come to interrupt and join?

I'd go with that. And the personal stuff would be my unease about his behaviour. If she refused to acknowledge the problem, I'd say that I no longer wanted to continue meeting if he was going to always turn up.

Drive her somewhere and say my Treat we can leave your phone and wallet in the glove box? Then make sure you find an out of the way cafe.
worth trying once.

is there a women’s only gym you can get excited about and join?

Having read further since I posted, I wouldn't say that I'd no longer meet her. I'd send the same message, but in the meantime I'd get advice from Womens Aid about how to approach this with her, and how I could support her.

Does he say anything as to why he has dropped by? 'Just passing, thought you'd be here?'

I think I'd pretend I was thinking aloud and say 'Oh, I thought we'd see you. This happened when we went to Mario's Bar as well, didn't it?' But no tricks like leaving a phone in a car or you can guarantee he will be more on alert after that, and watching the car.

He wants to isolate her from you. This is really important for him to tighten the control.

As you've already spoken to her about it, I would say to her next time, I love/care for you, I don't expect an answer from you as we've already talked about it but this is controlling behaviour, it is a massive red flag and it will escalate. I will always be here for if ever you need me, even if he manages to cut us off from each other for the time being. If you are ever in danger you can come to me (obviously adapt to whatever support you feel you would be able to provide).

Some of the suggestions about leaving when he turns up or confronting, although sound like they would be satisfying, will either play into his hands so that he can say to your friend, X doesn't like me, I don't want you to see her, or will mean that he takes it out on her.

There's info for friends and family on Women's Aid too: https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/friends-and-family/how-can-i-offer-support/

I have been in this situation and it's very difficult. A long standing close friend got a new boyfriend who was very controlling. I used to drive an hour to where she lived a couple of times a month to take her out to dinner as I was worried about her and without fail, we would be sitting down looking at the menu and in he would walk.

It's very difficult to navigate, but I would try to remember what your goal is. It's not him. It's her, and remaining a lifeline to her, that she will probably need in future. You could tell her that you're worried about her, that you've noticed things are off starting with her being tracked and controlling her social movements, and although you're not up for a threesome any more you will be there if she ever needs you, and mean it. Because she will need you at some point.