Friend's husband showing up uninvited whenever we meet

[Verona1976]

I've been friends with someone for 12 years, and we've always had a great relationship. The issue is her husband, who I feel is very controlling, although she either doesn't recognise it or chooses not to see it.
Whenever we meet for lunch or drinks, he'll use a phone tracking app to see where she is and then unexpectedly show up. I know plenty of families use location-sharing apps for safety, but it doesn't seem normal to me that he regularly turns up during our time together.
As soon as he arrives, the atmosphere completely changes. What was a relaxed, fun catch-up suddenly becomes tense, and we end up feeling obliged to include him in the conversation. It's awkward, and it spoils the time we had planned together.
This has happened on several occasions now, and it's starting to affect our friendship. I've tried mentioning it to her, but she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the situation. I'm not sure what to do next.

It's so awful. I dread to think what happens behind closed doors

This is so naive.

I’m constantly surprised that after all the awareness raising on DV people can still say stuff like this.

As to all the ‘tell her you’ll leave if he shows up again and then leave’ comments. Are you guys the husband?! Don’t you realise that is EXACTLY what he wants? To alienate her from her OP?

Although it's a relief that I'm not the only one that is worried about her, it's also made me sad and realise the magnitude of the situation. There are lots of other ways he's controlling too but it'd take me a while to discuss it all. I've just read about this and think this is what's happening 😢

Look he knows what he’s doing , he doesn’t give a shit if it’s ‘rude’ or care what anyone thinks .
He’ll be delighted if you disappear, he doesn’t want her having any friends .
She knows she’s got a problem but she can’t face it yet so she’s putting on a brave face because what else can she do ?
People like him can’t be fixed .
She needs to get away from him before he kills her and getting away is very dangerous indeed.
Tell her privately that you know & encourage her to contact Women’s Aid.
Apart from that I don’t know what to advise , so much of the advice on her will just put her in more danger. He won’t be shamed or humiliated into being a decent man .

Exactly that's why you need to help her get support - not say if he comes next time I'm leaving - like some on here are saying.

X

Have you tried when he randomly turns up “Dave, we’re having a girls day! Why are you stalking us? Ha ha you need to go away. You’ll get Sarah back later!” type reaction when he shows up. Try and keep it light so he doesn’t kick off. If he tries to stay start talking about your heavy periods or something.

He sounds awful.

Can you arrange to meet while he’s at work?

That's the thing, he clocks off early and turns up. I don't understand the mentality at all, she's very faithful and never does anything to make him mad but he's still so controlling.

If she came to your house for a catch up would he come knocking on your door? It’s incredibly difficult as she has to want things to change and to accept what he is - a controlling man who is frankly dangerous.

Would he clock off early if you went to her place? Just popped in on a day you knew she'd be home. He wouldn't know as her phone would still ping at her place. But he probably has cameras everywhere, so he'd know that way...

Personally I'd be very worried about her safety. I've already been teaching my nearly 21 yo niece the language this type of person uses and the behaviour they display. The I love you so much I don't want to be apart from you, separating you from your friends and family, causing fights so you don't go out, criticising your clothes, not allowing you to go out alone or turning up uninvited. It's all about control.

Can you talk to her about it, from a place of concern. Say you'll just raise it once but if she ever wants to talk to you about it you're always there for her.

Just...weird...control...keep telling her it's totally not normal. Xx

Yes he probably would say he's come to pick her up and take her home

You're right there are cameras everywhere. And he works from home a lot so he would be there if I turned up. It's a nightmare

She won't come to mine. Everything is so restricted

How ballsy are you? if he does it again look him straight in the eye and say “goodness Dave it’s always lovely to see you but I am actually here to have a girls chat with Jen. I feel like you don’t want us to be alone for some reason”

I'm not ballsy enough clearly. Our friendship is important to me and I don't want to ruin it as I know she'll get defensive if I bring it up

But where does that leave you? You have lunch with your friend and her controlling DH for the rest of your life? So you never get to have an actual proper conversation.

But I will say hats off to you, you are clearly a decent person who really cares about your friend. And it’s always lovely to see such female friendships.

Perhaps it is not so much won't, but can't.

She can't face thinking about it because either she has been brainwashed by him into believing he's doing it because he cares so much about her and wants to keep her safe, or she daren't think about it because she knows she is trapped, and is terrified of the consequences should she try to do anything about it. Some people find it utterly humiliating to admit their marriage is in trouble because they feel a failure.

Does she have children?

My friend's DH just started coming along to our weekly girls coffee (3 of us). She didn't want him there, we made it clear we didn't want him there. DH tried to invite him over during that time to stop him as well. Before he starred joining, he'd make friend buy him a coffee on our way out & take it straight home. He'd message her if she took too long to ask when she'd be bringing it.

We originally thought he was just a FOMO man child. In the end it revealed itself that he was controlling and abusive and trying to isolate her when he tried to upset her into not going on a girls dinner out. Apparently us leaving 30 minutes early to have a drink at the bar was unnecessary. She rang me crying. We had to forcibly pick her up - he was too gutless to do anything in front of us). Ruined the night though.

It eventually worked as he started booking outings to see his parents during coffee time, and knew she was extremely family oriented. He then poisoned her against us, but it's my fault, apparently. So, she lives maybe a one minutes drive away and I never see her. I think she no longer works & sees no one, goes nowhere. He takes day long bike rides, though.

I have a friend with a boyfriend like this. We had a girls day out (boozy brunch) followed by a pub with live music. There was 6 of us out and had such a good day. All in the middle of dancing and having a good laugh and her boyfriend turns up and the mood and vibe completely changes.

We drunk up and got ready to leave. He then decided to leave at the same time. I made a point of saying ‘nice to see you, but time for you to go and meet your mates now - this is a girls day out’ She looked quite shocked, he was a bit put out and the rest of the girls were delighted.

Turns out there’s loads of red flags, but she honestly doesn’t see it. He moved into her house within 2 weeks of them meeting. Doesn’t contribute towards bills or household expenses. Her kids hate him. She is on a very, very good salary but cancels nights out last minute as she is skint. When they are out together, he won’t leave her alone. Very clingy, holds her hand or has his arm draped around her and escorts her to the toilet.

She was previously in a crappy relationship and really thinks she loves this new bloke. I’ll not stop being friends with her, but I suspect he will try to steer her away from being friends with me, as I’ll happily challenge him.

As to all the ‘tell her you’ll leave if he shows up again and then leave’ comments. Are you guys the husband?! Don’t you realise that is EXACTLY what he wants? To alienate her from her OP?

There is zero chance i would sit making small talk with my friends abuser. Surely, as soon as he turns up the catch up has come to a natural end anyway? I would be nice and polite, give my friend a kiss on the cheek and leave them to it.

I would continue to meet up with her, I would offer support where needed but I would be leaving when he arrived.

Things never change if people continue to play the game set by the controlling partner. The controlling partner just becomes more emboldened.

I don't know if he's controlling or just feels at a loose end so just drops by, he may be oblivious to the fact you don't want him there. You could try oh what a surprise, what are you doing here I thought it was just me and Jenny tonight.

I assume he would know where she was going even if he wasn't tracking. Doesn't everyone tell their spouse where they are going and about when they will be back, going to Mary's back late or just popping down to the shops, just out of common curtesy. Tracking would be for that time when they said they would be back at 9pm and it's 2am, they are not answering their phone and you are thinking the worst.

No not at all. I would tell my DH "I'm going out for dinner with Katie" or "I'm going to the pub after work" or "I'm going to watch football". I'd say at least 50% of the time he'd have no idea where I was doing what I said I was doing. And he doesn't care, because he's not mental.

If you're meeting a friend for a coffee do you tell your DP which cafe? That seems unnecessary! I would tell him approx what time I'd be home though, unless I didn't know

I would contact women's aid and ask for advice.

Some of the recommendations here re calling him out or out foxing him do sound very satisfying, but I wouldn't want to do anything that would be detrimental to my friend.