Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

X-posts - LT glad you had a lovely holiday

And thanks for the kind words too xx

UC I don't know what to say - what a bitch

Baffy i really don't know what to say.
You know that she won't walk away.
He isn't strong enough to tell her to go.
He needs you to support him and cannot support you.
You love him

I wish you could get away from this situation to just look in on yourself and see how destrctive it all is.
As i said look up your previous threads and see what you were saying then. What you were and weren't prepared to accept from h in terms of his behaviour.

I can't begin to understand how your feeling but as for Wed go if you think it will cheer you up but i think you may not be in the right place at the moment to meet someone else! Although form a purely selfish point of view you do deserve to spend an evening with a man who is worthy of your company !

Baffy, are you seeing a counsellor in RL to talk all this through? I have found it is incredibly helpful to have someone independent, in person, to off load onto. I go and see mine before I make any major decisions about what to do, e.g. before the "talk" last week. You could ask your GP for a referral? I am scared for you, with your head going round and round in circles honey. It sounds like your h doesn't know where he is, or what he wants. Please please take time to look after yourself (pot and kettle...???). XXXXX

BTW - TFM I am reading and re-reading your post "By TimeForMe on Sat 28-Jun-08 13:45:17 "

I'm trying so hard to be honest. But it's the idea of taking the huge step back I'm finding hard.

I think that's they key though. I truly do. Then if he does want me he will be the one doing the work and I will know for sure. If he doesn't then I'll know won't I.

But while I'm being totally honest - I think that if he's not seeing me then he doesn't see what he's missing. It may sound daft. But he has an amazing capacity to block things out. Including feelings. He said not long ago he didn't think he fancied me anymore and couldn't see us being intimate again. I then see him a couple of times when I'm all dressed up... and suddenly he's saying how gorgeous I look. The the first chance we got he wanted to sleep with me!

So does it make sense?! It's almost as though I have to put the effort in to prove to him that he's wrong otherwise he'll block me out and convince himself (or let her convince him!) that I'll never make him happy and I'm not what he wants...

But how bloody destructive is all this!! Just writing it down makes me realise how pathetic it is and how FAR AWAY from a healthy positive relationship it is.

All it's actually doing is sending me loopy!

But it's that old saying isn't it. You always want what you can't have. And I could go and chat someone up right now. But it wouldn't be him!

It's just HOW to do it. How to take that step back without thinking about him every second.
It doesn't feel natural to me to do that. My heart says to stick around.

But you're right - 2 years on and my way is just not working is it!

I think I'll try the supplements TFM. Thank you xx

And macd - I'm so glad you're not my GP Well in fact, I wish you were you might be able to tell me what to do!!
Don't worry about your sister, she's just so worried for you. She'll be happy in the end as long as you are xx

Thank you so much

lily I think it may do me good to just get out. As long as I don't have any expectations of a knight in shining armour!!
I don't think I could re-live the pain by reading the old threads, it's all buried way too deep

UC the GP is referring me back to the counsellor. I was going for a while but I stopped because things were ok and she said I didn't need to go anymore! lol!

Baffy - if I had a fall out of love potion you would be the first person I would give it to. How cruel that the heart carries on when the head has given up.

Thrush gone by the way!

Glad the thrush has gone LL

I honestly do not know what is up with me. Brutally honest, a combination of loving him so much due to spending half of my life with him, knowing how happy he can make me (if he wants to!), a desire to not let that stupid little SG destroy my marrriage, and the fact that I cannot bare to share my son for the rest of my life.

But it's killing me isn't it. If I were one of you guys I'd come round here and give me a slap right now!

Trouble is most of us understand exactly how you feel. The thing that made me feel most trapped when dh cheated was the fact that I loved him. Easy to walk away when you don't.

LL if you get your hands on that potion give me a shout!

But Baffy what if you got it all by walking away ?
I know it's a gamble but you can't keep doing this.

TFM - lovely to hear how proud you are of your dc
Dior - you're doing great with the exercise and WW. Well done
MacD - your h needs the same treatment as Baffy's (a swift kick in the knackers)

Baffy, when you said "How to take that step back without thinking about him every second. It doesn't feel natural to me to do that. My heart says to stick around.",

my heart breaks for you, and for all of us on this thread going through a similar trauma. That seems to be the crux of it all for me, and the trouble is that many of the h/p's seem to be doing exactly the opposite - their bollocks say 'Oooh, I quite fancy a shag with that tart', who's clearly available, and they don't listen to any other part of their anatomy at all. Least of all their heart or head. They think their dick is connected directly to their heart. So Ladylush's swift kick in the knackers might just be the answer, only I'd do it in studded boots.

Feeling bitter tonight, who, me? Oh no.

UC - you have every right to feel bitter my love

Message withdrawn

Good morning Ladies

I won't be around much today as I am going to sit with DP's gran so don't do too much talking between now and 4pm!!

OK, here goes, it has to be said and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but, it is for your own good.

UC, When you separate from your partner, for whatever reason, his business then becomes his own, it really is none of yours. Yes, this is a killer! It hurts like hell but, being a grown man he doesn't have to explain himself to you or anyone else. I'm afraid you no longer are entitled to know what he is up to. The only thing you are entitled to know are arrangements for the children. And re the children, yes, he may have a different parenting style to you, he may not be as thoughtful, as conscientious or even as good as you but you have to let him parent in his own way. If it is a way that is having a detremental effect on the children then by all means talk to him but, if the kids seem to be coming to no harm then don't interfere, however hard it is. You see UC, all the feeling that you felt when you heard about the OW are just that, feelings. And just look at the hurt your own feelings cause you. So, really it's not what your H is up to that hurts you, it's your feelings on it. BUT, at such times, you are likely to go or his jugular as soon as you see him, your feelings will get the better of you and you will end up hurling all kinds at him, probably using the children as a reason too. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm trying to say in a nice way that you have to get a check on your feelings, get them under control, rationalize. It's all in the name of damage limitation. If you can keep all of those feelings under control things are more likely to work out for the best, in your favour

Baffy, now dont hate me for this but I read your post and I almost felt sorry for H. SORRY BAFFY!
But, he has you in the one ear and OW in the other. We know he is a weak man and we know he won't have the balls to just go for what he wants. But I fear that if things carry on like this there will be no happy outcome for either you or OW. Things are really entangled now and you know how much this has affected you. I wonder how it has affected H? I just can't help but wonder where all of this pressure is going to lead him, or what he is going to do.

This is going to sound really harsh Baffy and I am so sorry that I feel I have to say it but, do you really want to be with a man who so obviously does not want to be with you. A man who does not feel such obvious love for you that he is prepared to simply come home to you, give up his OW. A man who obviously does not love you as much as you love him. Do you really want that? Do you want to win him back by default? Could you really be happy with him, wondering if he really wants to be with you or if he is with you because you put up the better fight?

Baffy, this is why it is so important that you take a massive step back. It really is. If you are going to be with H the only way you can be truly happy with him is if you know that he truly wants to be with you. You need to be able to trust that he loves you and that he chose to be with you because of that love. If that man loves you Baffy, if he really wants to be with you, he won't forget you, out of sight out of mind and all that, he will fight for you, he will sort out all of his problems with OW and he will come and get you. If he doesn't then sweetheart, no matter how hard and painul it is for you, you need to move on. You will have to let him go. But, you are never going to have a true answer unless you leave him alone and let him work out what it is he wants. He needs the space to be able to miss you, to want you and to come for you. So YES, go out on your blind date, put H out of your mind as much as you can.
Baffy, you are a beautiful young woman, inside and out and it is soul destroying to 'see' you almost begging this man to take you back. Please sweetheart, just take a HUGE step back, have some space from him, think, really think about al he has done to you, see him for the person he is now, not the person you knew him as, be truly honest with yourself, and then just sit back and wait for him to fight like hell for you, not the other way round.

Gosh, I almost wish I was going to be around today, i neeed to take the flak for all of the above on the chin
But you do all know I have your best interests at heart don't you? Even though you might not like what I say, I do say it in an effort to preserve your sanity and your self respect.

Right, I must go wake DD. Lots of love to you all, have a lovely day

Baffy, YES, get some of those tablets. Simply Supplements 5htp with St johns wort, buy one get one free xxx

Hi

Baffy - you are strong - and h is an utter fool for not seeing the wonderful person you are.
Do you remember that friend i told you about whos h did the same - dithered for about 18months and still didnt make his mind up. The wife moved on and now has a georgous new man (even i was tempted to steal him ). Her h is still with ow - but would come back in a flash now and still tells wife that (but not ow i am sure).
And the other karma justice is that he has lost his job (shame) - just after wife has agreed a very good settlement for herself . Wonder how long ow will stick around now?
My friend looks so happy and now has the rest of her life free(ish) of her xh (there are children who still see him at the moment). New man is not only georgous but rich too and no nasty baggage either.

There will be a happy ending for you baffy even if you cant see that now - and i am not sure i would be able to at the moment either. Remember how you want to tell you lovely ds about this episode when he is older.
Of course you still love him - you have known nothing else for such a long time. But that is not enough you need so much more.

Take each day at a time and see just how far you are coming on. You dont have to forget him all the time - but do it slowly and give yourself credit for the times you do manage even a few minutes without him.

Take care of yourself now.

Dior and Tanee - i really dont think i will be able to manage a meet up today - so sorry, i have to get ready 2 suitcases for my 2 older ones who are both going away on saturday - will be a normal family for a week with only 2 . Have also promised to take lo strawberry picking this afternoon so cant leave her in nursery all afternoon. Would love to do it sometime soon though so lets make it a more regular thing.

Also love to start to plan the next meet up -Manchester would be great - havent been there for ages.

as usual TFM says all the things i wanted to say (even if she is a bit more harsh than me ).

Also just wanted to say i am feeling a bit better today - the sun is shinning and i am feeling more positive about the way i want my life to go.

TFM - i also fear i will have too much planned and not enough time which will make me cross.
I am hoping to do the weight and exercise thing for sure from the begining of sept as i will have no choice but to walk dd to school, and then i can just carry on and do a bit more - find a longer route home

Hi to everyone else too - i wont be around much either.

HW I am so pleased you are feeling brighter today
As for all the things you want to do, just start with the weight and exercise and when that goal is achieved move onto the next one. It's much easier to deal with it like that than try start lots of things at once. I'm starting my diet today!! We are going on holiday in 3 weeks and 4 days and I want to lose 10lbs.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, I would prefer to use the word 'truthful' I wouldn't be a true friend if I just agreed with everything and condoned all that was happening. Am I still a Teabag?

Baffy, just a quickie as I'm heading for Dior - all I can say is, listen to TFM - GW is in a downward spiral and dragging you down with him. You can't stand this pressure indefinitely. Please, please, see the counsellor, it will help to talk things out - and most of all, STEP AWAY from him and SG. It's like that old cliche - if you have a wild creature, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be yours. If it doesn't - it was never meant to be. If he's given the space to wallow in his ghastly life with SG, he may, at some point, realise that for his OWN sanity he has to break free of her - and he may then turn to you. But please love, leave him to it and look after yourself and DS.

I know it's the hardest, hardest thing - we love them so much and when we see them struggling, albeit in a mess of their own creation, our impulse is to help. But I feel that removing yourself from the equation may be the best way to help him - AND YOURSELF - in the long run.

And go on the blind date - you need some distraction and also need an evening with someone who isn't part of this quagmire. If nothing else, he may turn out to be a possible new friend .

HW - sorry you can't join us. Yes, we should do it again soon and Manchester sounds like a good idea - or there's always Coram's Fields in the hols.

Well you already know what I think Baffy

You deserve better - rather than repeat what the others said and make you feel really ganged up on i'll just say why not go on the blind date, dont expect fireworks or to connect with him like you did with GW just relax and be you rather than a wife/mother - at the very least you may get a nice new friend out of it!

Strange I thought about the quote Tannee wrote in connection with your situation a while back "if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, it was yours. If it doesn't - it was never meant to be"

Im out for a while too but I will check back later

Im glad you have been referred back to the counsellor I do think you need more RL help

Oh and I dont feel sorry for GW at all...he ran away from responsibility with you and he is now running away from the even bigger responsibility that raising a child with SG will be because she is SO not ready for it. Even if you step back and take yourself out of the equation im sure he will be doing the same to her with someone else in 6 months in the pursuit of fun

I dont doubt he WAS a great peson but he really doesnt sound like one now (sorry)

TFM glad things are looking up with DP - if the marriage question does come up you could always suggest an eternity ring instead that way it symbolises committment and you get gems into the bargain (a win win in my book)

ooh Would be vreat if we could do a meet up in Manchester i would def be up for that

TFM completely agree , i know that if Baffy was thinking straight she would see what we are all saying is right.
Baffy can i just ask how do you end up meeting with h ? Do you instigate it or him ?
I agree with TFM at the minute h doesn't have to make a decison because you and ow are running yourselves ragged trying to 'win' him! How can he decide what he wants and why would he want too ?
You are worth so much more Baffy , you really are. I think you need to let your head rule your heart love.
He won't forget you if he really loves you. He needs to spend all his time with ow but then you are giving them the space for their relationship to burn out. She cannot support him which he needs, she is so selfish but he cannot see all of this because when she gets too much he comes back to you. She cannot 'do his head in' because he always has you to run back too.
Baffy as TFM says what if you do win , have you got what you wanted ? It won't be like it was he has got to choose to come back to you or you will never have truly 'won' him. You will be living on the edge of your seat feeling like you have to be with him 24/7 just incase she gets in touch.
I am so for you and the 'not sharing ds' comment i feel for you the most.

HW so glad to hear your more positive today, hope you have a lovely day and it was hormonal !

Dior / Tannee have a lovely gossip

TFM enjoy your day with dp's gran i bet she loves having your company.

Well am hoping to build my new barbecue today and paint all the garden furniture in prep for dd's christening in couple weeks. I am doing it at home for 40 people so need to start getting organised

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Thank you TFM. I think what you write to me and Baffy could really apply to both of us... I know I have no right to tell him what to do when he has the DSs and they do seem ok. I am glad I didn't ring him yesterday and blow up - although I dialled the no. a couple of times, I kept saying "wait 24 hours before you do anything", you might feel differently tomorrow. Now, I think whatever they are doing at the weekend with him, with or without her, I should carry on with the same game plan. Be distant, be beautiful (), be desirable. Nothing else is going to work...