Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

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Well done Dior! I am so proud of you. Your posts are so positive! The walking to and from school will do you the world of good. When you get used to the distance why not set off 10 minutes or so earlier and take a different route if thats possible. Thats what I do Have you got a pedometer? It's really quite addictive when you see how many steps you are doing, it makes you want to do more! I have just been having a look at that weight loss coach for the nintendo DS, am thinking of treating myself I have put on half a stone since DP and i got back on track, I would like to get it off but, like HW am liking my food a bit too much. We will have to spur each other on

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Thats brilliant Dior!

See it as an exciting challenge, that you are reinventing yourself and your weight is just a part of that. You are doing really well in finding positives so if you can apply the same when it comes to your weight you will do great!!

At the end of the day, although we don't like the extra weight we carry it is a part of us but fortunately it's a part of us we can do something about if we set our minds to it. When you look at the bigger picture our weight is probably the easiest thing about ourselves that we can change!! All we have to do is eat less or make wiser food choices.

Hi guys, just calling in briefly - busy Monday at work.

TFM that is SUCH fantastic news - goodness, at this rate you'll be giving up your separate bedrooms - how would you feel about that?

UC - you seem to be following exactly the right track - step back a little, and look, he steps forward

Baffy - how are you? I did laugh at SG's predicament - stuck for want of £1.40. But seriously, can H not turn his phone OFF when he's with you???? You sound much stronger this week - and there will be ups and downs, days when you feel much worse - as the others have said, just go with your feelings - don't expect too much of yourself - and expect NOTHING of H. Most of all, be kind to yourself Baffy.

HW - really sorry you're feeling so low - now, what you need is a nice lunch with a couple of Teabags . Are you free tomorrow?

Dior, looking forward to tomorrow. Call me !

As for my update, DP has phoned me both days since he left, and we texted each other on Friday night - I texted asking how he felt, as I felt hopeful - and he txted back thanking me for my efforts all week, and that he felt positive . And he's been his old self on the phone. So...fingers crossed. I'm so pleased he's willing to do some counselling. I do think he needs to express quite a lot. When we got together 5 years ago, we used to talk for hours about what had gone wrong before - we had to understand the past before moving on to a future. Now we've commenced on that second chance, I think we need to have another 'clearout' as we've moved onto the 'living together phase', which has again changed the dynamic between us.

Dior - does this mean we will be feasting on lettuce leaves tomorrow?

Hi Tanee That sounds good news. I am a firm believer in having to go back before you can move forward, it seems you are on your way forward again

As for me and my bedroom, NO! I am not ready to give that up yet. I love having my own space. I'm not sure I could cope with disturbed sleep either, and I mean through his snoring not anything else

So TFM - does that mean you will be making romantic clandestine nocturnal visits to each other - like the Nobility do - returning to your own rooms for a good night's kip?

Maybe!

It could be fun!

Thanks TFM - to answer a couple of your q's
Yes somtimes i do feel as if i am drowning and want to just quit it all and find a new me - i suppose that is re-inventing yourself too . Also yes i do worry about the new job - not just because of possible new ow but because it is an unknown (i do tend to be a bit of a half-empty sort of person - but like to call it being realisitic) If i have lower expectations then i will not have such a fall iykwim. Yes again i know this is wrong thinking again but again so hard to break at times and while is still have the hormones to blame i can just about get away with it .

Dior and Tanee - i would love to meet you tomorrow but i do have to collect lo from nursery - weds and fridays are my best days -sorry. But how about we put something in the diary for sept (maybe we could meet nearer london?) I can always do with a trip to lakeside or ikea . However i will try and see if i can leave dd for the afternoon at nursery - will let you know later by phone dior if that is ok?

Thanks lilly too for your input sometimes it is just comforting to know that you are not going mad and all these emotions are perfectly normal. As TFM pointed out i have spent so much of my emotional energy on getting through this i feel a bit lost as to what i actually want now too. With lo starting full time school in sept too i feel a bit guilty as i dont really know what i am going to do with my time. But i said very firmly to h the other day that i am not going to be 'pushed' into doing anything too quickly and will take a few months doing things for me and see what happens and where i want my life to go.

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I think it will be good for you to have some time for you HW. You can spend some time just being you. Reclaim yourself And work on that negative thinking!!

Just not sure who or what i am any more. Having given so much of me to the dc and dh and the usual keeping house stuff.
Although i agree with to some extent to the re-inventing thing i am worried that it will mean not being me any more and then surely i will 'lose' friends?

I have a few things i want to do and will give a few of my interests a try. I think too it will be good for me to set myself some real goals to go for, and i do already have a few (running the marathon being one of them so please all keep reminding me of that too).

Dior - will try and get hold of someone today but it may not be until tomorrow until i know will i still be able to meet up?

The 'old' you will still be there HW, you will just be a new and revised version And if you do 'lose' friends then they weren't true friends in the first place. Infact, you will probably make new friends anyway which is always a good thing. I love meeting new people, I love talking, finding out all about them. You learn a lot just by listening to people.

You could do a home study course, you could write a book, train for your marathon, the world is your oyster HW, you can do anything you want to do. Don't be like me though, I want to do that much I don't get round to doing anything, apart from housework

I reckon the first thing you should do is lose the weight you want to lose and get fit, concentrate soley on you and raising your self esteem, the rest will just fall into place.

LOL! You do worry a lot don't you. Don't you find the idea of reinventing yourself a tiny bit exciting? When I do it I change my whole style, figure, hair, clothes, the lot! I love it

HW really hope you can make it - we can nibble our rabbit food together .

Dior, I'm stuck at work for a bit - ploughing through CVs for someone to do my job (I'm not leaving, we're just getting in extra help). Wow, they sound frighteningly professional! - should be home by 7pm though, so you could ring or text then?

HW, sorry to hear you're feeling low. It could well be pmt - if I'm going to be arsey or upset or emotional, it's always then... But I also understand the things you say. Building that trust back up is a difficult thing to do, and you are bound to have moments of doubt, I imagine. The car thing sounds like the kind of thing me and h would have argued over - I think you should talk to him about it, as if you don't, your resentment will build up. have you had any help in your counselling with conflict resolution - I don't ask because I know anything about that, but because I have read so much about that being such an important part of every relationship; both of you listening to eachother, and taking eachother's viewpoints on board.

I will say again TFM you are so wise. I am learning a lot from you. I too projected my issues onto h I think. If I was feeling tired, bored, lonely, whatever, I would take it out on him.

Dior, well done with the walking! you sound really positive the last few days . HW, running a marathon - impressive... I did a 10 mile run last year - it nearly killed me... but I did go down a dress size in the training...

Baffy, no news from you - how are you feeling?

I need some advice.. again... after positive meeting on thurs, I have found out, via DS1, that they spent all weekend with a friend of h's, who is ow's friend. Now, that I don't mind, I have met her, and she seems nice, and was supportive of me. However, DS also mentioned her name, and I don't know now if they have met her. H swore they wouldn't... H apparently slept in her room at the friend's - I assume she is staying with the friend, since her marriage broke up last autumn (before h's involvement...). So that really threw me. Of course I know I can't take what a 4 year old says as gospel, but he mentioned her name. I didn't. I have never said her name to them. But what do I do? I'm not sure it changes anything, but it does make me feel very very insecure, and that perhaps this "relationship" he has with her really is going somewhere.

I guess I need to try and keep him talking to me... sigh.

Keep him talking, UC - big hug. It may come to nothing in the end, but the important thing is to keep the channels open, and keep the pressure off - which you have done.

Thanks Tanee. I forgot to say in my big message earlier well done you this weekend. A "clearout" sounds fantastic. I did that this weekend, but only to my garage...

Feels right now that I don't stand a chance with ow flaunting herself, her lack of responsibilities and freedom to go to a bar whenever they like, and me at home with 2 children (gorgeous though they are).

How can he do this to his relationship with his children???

Hi everyone. Got back from holiday yesterday. Had a lovely time with just one wobbly night (after we had sex as usual). I think it's worse when I've been drinking though.

Baffy - so totally totally gutted for you and your ds . What an arsehole he is. You are right - he doesn't deserve you but I thought after all the pain he's put you through that he would at least be honest with you. Glad the doctor was supportive. You are not weak, you are very strong. I am still in disbelief, god knows how you must be feeling. I can only imagine that there must be something really good coming your way, cos you sure as hell don't deserve this shit.

UC i bet that was really hard !
I guess you can ask him where he sees the relationship going with regards to how much the dc's will need to know. Although if your ds has said her name then i would be likely to believe his version of events as he has no reason to say anything.
I think h needs to be honest with you if he is introducing her to the dc's though as you need to be involved in this and i think it's very unfair of him on you and them to do it behind your back.
Well done you though you have stayed remarkably calm which i can't imagine has been easy !!

UC i don't know how they do it to their kids , they compartmentalise them too i think believeing that no one gets hurt when they do this in their head !
Nut you do need to make him be straight with you r/e the dc's as i wouldn't be happy at them meeting her this soon!

LT glad you had good hol and only one blow up, well done My last one was after a glass bottle wine

now found out she wasn't there at the weekend (from very reliable source), so it is possible they just know that friend lives with someone called "X".

She is flaunting them on FB - references in some sort of ridiculous code to their relationship. It is all so f*ing adolescent it is untrue. I don't feel calm, I feel weepy and angry all at the same time.

Hi guys

Just a quick catch up. Have done a quick read through. TFM your posts about DP are fabulous - I hope you're enjoying every minute! About time too!!

Dior you do sound so much more positive and that is fantastic. You're getting there

UC that doesn't sound too good But I agree you're doing totally the right thing in keeping him talking and keeping the pressure off, and that is the best you can do now.

HW I'm sorry you're feeling so low I can't even begin to offer advice. All I can see is that he loves you and wants to be with you and you know him so well! Which can only be a good thing! Nobody is perfect, but you don't have to spend time working out why he does things the way he does - you know him, you understand why, so you can quickly accept it's just him and get back to focussing on your relationship. Do you talk to him when you're feeling like this? An does he listen?

I'm doing ok. Well no really I'm not. I want to take all your advice so much.
But I had a talk with H very late Saturday night, early hours Sunday morning, and we really connected That resulted in him telling OW yesterday that he would support the child but would never be with her!

He's obviously never ever been that straight with her before. She turned up at his (when me, ds and MIL were there!) going mad. Demanding answers. And demanding he sign something to say he'll never see the child as she wants to bring it up with this new guy she's seeing!!
All tactics to make him jealous and force him into saying he'd be with her so he could see his child.
It looked like he was finally making some decisions though.

Do you know what though. I just can't chake this nagging feeling that she'll talk him round. It's as though I'm in this constant battle with her. If I'm foremost in his thoughts and making him happy (i.e. I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings in all this, or what I'm going through) then he makes decisions that favour me. If she starts her games and I start making him face up to the reality of what he's done, he leans towards her.

I'm in a destructive spiral that I can't get out of. No matter how hard I try.

A friend has just called up. (She doesn't know about any of this.) She's set me up on a blind date with a friend of hers who she's been telling me about for ages. He's my age, has his own business, is really down to earth and lovely to be with, and I've seen a picture and he's nice looking too.
So, I'm thinking it may do me good to go on this date on Wednesday?

But then I think well can I... what about H?!
What is up with me?!!!

It's almost like he has this loyalty to her and the child because he got her pregnant!

Not sure where the loyalty is to his wife, or the child he created in his marriage?!

He seems to overlook the fact that she deliberately got pregnant to trap him and is going to try and destroy him if she doesn't get what she wants!

He just keeps saying how awful he feels about her and what she's going through. As though I can somehow support him?!

Arghhhhhhhhh! I'm doing my own head in!!