Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Arghhhhh PC all those responses is exactly how H was with me! Makes me so

That is why, in our situations, we really cannot win whatever we do.

I tried exactly the same. Got on with things, did really well in my job etc - his reaction - she's fine so all is good!

I then have a total meltdown and tell him how much I need him - he responds how sorry he is and what a shit husband he is and how he doesn't deserve me!!!

I think the turning point has to come if/when they decide what they REALLY want. Then they will fight for it.

If they're not fighting for it then they obviously don't want it.

That's where I think HW's and TFM's advice about focussing on yourself comes into its own. I do now believe that whatever I do, if it's to invoke a reaction from him, then it's pointless. But if I do things for me, things that will make me happy regardless of his reaction, then at least I am on the right lines...

It's the hardest thing to get used to doing but I do think it's the best way.

Remember OM that I was seeing? He still constantly trys to call/text and see me. And I have to say, that I find myself coming out with some of the lines that H used to say to me!! And I know it's because I don't want to hurt his feelings by being blunt, but I also know that I don't want him like he wants me and I'm not sure how to respond to that. So I respond with how sorry I am but I don't think things are right for us, I wasn't happy, he deserves someone who can make him happy etc etc... I know how he must feel but it's so hard to know what to say without saying something nasty. When really, it is me and the fact that I just didn't want to be with him and wasn't happy in the relationship. It's been a real eye opener

HW I'm still really up for that visit if we can sort it out I really am

I just can't even contemplate going on a date! I just don't feel single and available.

That's not to say I don't want to feel single and available.

I just feel like I would have to tell H that I was intending to get back out there before doing so.

Otherwise it feels like cheating, which is just bloody ridiculous I know but........

well hello everybody

been too long.

i keep saying im going to catch up and then something goes wrong! So i will try but i think it will probably be from this point on if i can get on here now kids are on their hols.

All good here.Few health problems waiting on results of tests and specialist appointments. Nothing serious just annoyance!!

The summer is here and everyone should be doing more ing!

I know some of you are really not up to it so lets see if we can cheer you up.

Did you the the one about the ...........

Only joking im not that cruel!!

Ok i have to go feed the animals kids and i will be back soon thats a threat promise!!

Here Here to what HW has said. Baffy, I really you can't move on until H has made it absolutely clear to OW that he is recommitting to you - AND HE MUST MEAN IT!!! His ONLY obligation for the rest of his life, must be to the child - financial, seeing the child, etc, but NOT to run round to her everytime she can't change a light bulb! He cannot sit on the fence playing you both. Do you think you can lay that on the line?

As for the stag night - god, why do they have to be so cheap and immature? I would find it hard to ignore, but maybe you need to leave that issue aside for the moment. Probably better not to know what men do on stag nights. Mind you, my sister pulled on her hen night, gave this guy her number and the poor man kept ringing her place of work and couldn't believe it when they told him she was on honeymoon! I remember telling her she was a right tart ! Still, she's managed to sustain her marriage for 20 years (despite having a 'running away fund)...

Hi Sugar, nice to see all your s. We need more of those.

Hey, the sun's shining ! And my shower is leaking like mad. I'm going home to do some diy plumbing - wish me luck!

sorry x posts then dragged off to sort out a work issue.

HW, I didn't feel like you were having a go at me at all. I appreciate the perspective and the advice so please keep it coming!

Baffy, yeh I think you're right. If he really wanted it then he he'd put a bit more effort into it.

things are okay as they are but I just don't want this platonic, seperate lives thing forever.

i said i'd give it till the end of the year so i should probably stop whinging and let things pan out a bit.

HELLO SUGAR!!!!

off out for a drink on the river tonight. dd is at grandma's till Saturday. planning quiet night tomorrow at home adn out again Friday so all good.

thanks everyone !

Tanee I'm going to try my best tonight I promise! Wish me luck!

Sugar it's great to see you

PC enjoy your night out! Have a great time and make the most of the time to yourself... you don't have to 'date' to have a good time do you. Nothing wrong with a bit of chatting and flirting to make a girl feel good

Lets face it, our H's certainly don't sit in pining for us so why should we...

Oh yea the marriage vows...

xx

good luck Baffy -

and wish me luck with the leaky shower. We got a kit to repair it weeks ago after the control knob broke, but DP said leave it till he's home and he can fix the kitchen tap as well. But last night DD had a shower (using a spanner to turn the control knob) and now we can't turn the water off. It will have been trickling into the bath all day! So my resolve to let DP fix something in what IS half his house after all, has had to dissolve into me being Superwoman yet again and braving the stopcock.

Hi everyone Just checking in and letting you know I'm still alive and kicking and blissfully happy and all that stuff.

Gosh! Is it really only day three of the six weeks holiday? I am shattered already! How on earth did I do it with 3 little ones in my first phase! I must be getting old

PC, Baffy, I'm thinking of you both. HW is spot on with her advice. Make this about you, you are wonderful women with or without the blokes, you don't need them to make you happy so be happy regardless of them, then you will get the reaction you would like

Got to fly, DP working from home this aft so we can have an early tea for a change!

Lots of love to everyone xxx

Baffy they were old marriage vows - please dont wait around for him.

Men on these stag dos - if only they knew the women were only after their money - men are so stupid.

H gets really cross when i say i am teaching my dd to pole dance so she can keep herself through uni. I think it puts a whole new perspective on things. .

Have a good evening pc.

Hi sugar hope you are ok and prepared for the hols ....

Got to go and feed mine now too.

Ginnny - sorry if he is now doing coke as well. Shit it never rains.......

Baffy - glad he is being attentive. I agree with everyone though in that you will never feel reassured until he has told the ow. Re. the stag night - I would be angry. When the whole affair thing came out, I found out h had been to a lap dance club - ugh. Agree with HW, it encourages secrecy in relationships etc. Drinking bottles of beer from women's boobs. FFS how old are these men!! Sounds as though you are in demand at the moment which is crap timing when you are trying to work things out with h. Maybe you could tell the guy you have a lot on your plate at the mo, whilst you figure out what you want to do. Do you like him?

I had to apologise to a friend the other night. I sort of cut him off after he told his partner (my friend too) that most women go back to the cheating man if they have kids. It felt so offensive at the time, but now I realise I was scapegoating him because it was easier to cut him off than my h. Luckily he forgave me easily.

UC - good luck with the meeting with h. I felt like I should walk because my pride has taken such a battering and also because I don't know if I can ever get over the bitter disappointment in him. He asked me yesterday when I think I want to start trying for a baby. I said I honestly don't know, but certainly not right now. Have just started a new job and want to feel more secure about our relationship. Whereas he wants one asap. It's easy to make that decision when you are the one who has cheated I suppose.

Message withdrawn

ladylush - so many people have opinions on what goes on during and after an affair, until you have been there you cannot even begin to imagine the depth of feelings.

I hate to think that ow thinks that h only came back to me because of the children - but i am sure she does as it would make her feel better. I also hate it when people think you are a fool to have 'put up' with the awful behaviour and then just forgiven them.
I certaninly will not put up with anything and the reason we are getting through this is because h has put in such a lot of effort and has shown me just how much he is prepared to do for me - and surely i would be foolish to throw that away.
Having said that it would have been a lot easier without the dcs and it is difficult to seperate things sometimes.
But all that matters is we are both happy and we are hopefully creating a loving home for our dcs and i hope nobody thinks i am a fool for that.

You tend to get quite passionate about these things - can you tell??

dior you are of course right too - but it is the whole 'secret' aspect that is wrong imo. I dont really have a problem with h oggling at other woman - and whats good for the gander and all that. I shall certaninly be doing my fair share of investigating on holiday from behind my sunglasses. But too often it is kept a secret from the wife - if nothing happened why the silence?

Good luck for tomorrow dior - i will soon fatten you up in september if you do lose too much - but by then i will be joining you too. When is your holiday?

PC / Baffy hope you both have lovely night tonight and so to see you are both still going round and round in circles. I guess no matter what we say there will come a day when you will be responsible for making a decision and taking it away from them. I think the depression still has an amazing impact on their inability to face any consequence of their actions and so you two are left to deal with them and help them through it. I wish there was a happy ever after ending for both of you but only you can decide whether it can include h ? It's quite funny that your both quite strong/independant/career focused women i guess they know that you will cope without them.

UC i hope he notices all the effort your putting into this i really do and glad to see you didn't drop everything to see him. What do you feel about the topic of conversation though ?

Dior good luck.

LL i think your right about the baby. I guess he sees it as a way of moving on which is understandable but you need to be (nearly typed 100 but don't think i am that) 99% sure you want a future together before you even consider a baby. Believe me they add lot's of but also a lot of stress to your relationship.

Happywoman lovely story about your friend def food for thought there. Life does still go on i guess.

Tannee hope you get the shower sorted.

WW how are the kids ?Have yours come home yet

TFM know what you mean i did 5 hours in the park today , cinema day yesterday , swimming on Monday thank goodness dd1 in nursery tom and ds going bowling with my friend i'm worn out

Baffy, I totally agree with HW. Have you told your H how you feel, how you aren't sure that you really want your future to be with him? I wonder if it would be a good thing for him to hear? It does seem that he might be thinking he can have his cake and eat it a bit, with not telling OW he's back with you, keeping her on a back burner in case it doesn't work out with you. How was your meal out?

Re. the lap dancing, I don't really have much of a problem with it in itself, although I see why it's made you cross. It's the attitude of the people taking part that matters - how your h viewed what he was doing. was it just harmless fun, or was it a real threat?

Dior, good luck at 10! Nice to hear you sounding so happy.

LL, I also agree about the baby - get your relationship stronger first, then worry about another baby, if you want one.

The meet up with H is not happening any time in the near future - he's out, I'm out, never the diaries shall meet. Although I do think this does need sorting out, so the topic of conversation doesn't really upset me that much. I do want certainty about £. It will help me to know where I am.

PS one more thought to add to what HW said above - no-one knows what goes on in a relationship except the people in that relationship. I don't think people who have not lived through an affair can judge TBH. They just haven't experienced the hurt, the anger, the pain. Whatever we choose to do, if and when our Hs get their lives sorted out, is up to us. It is for no-one else to judge. If I were to take H back (and that's not on offer!), I wouldn't give a flying toss about what anyone else thought. it would be between me and him, and no-one else. Taking someone back, IMO, and really working at it, takes a huge amount of strength, resilience and patience.

Morning everyone Just checking in while i have the time and energy!

UC I totally agree with your last post. I also think that applies to any relationship that has had it's troubles, not just caused by an affair. I know a few people thought I was bonkers for not walking away from DP when I had the chance but, I feel as passionate as HW about making relationships work, and now I am finally reapng the rewards for all of my hard work!

Also, thats what I like about our thread, we are all of the same mind and passion. I read other threads but avoid posting as the general gist of them is generally to 'get rid of the b***d' which for one is not always that easy and two, not always what the poster wants to do.

Have a lovely day everyone xxx

Hi tfm - hope you are enjoying the hols - we have glorious sunshine here at the moment but the darling dc still sit inside and just seem to annoy each other. It is more exhausting taking them all out as they are such different ages. still only another week and we will be going on holday which i am really looking forward to.

UC - if you want to chat a bit about making sure you are finacially going to cope i would be more than happy to give you my account. I was terrified that i would end up penniless - even though h said he would not let that happen , but i did get a fantastic solicitor who gave me some great advice and tips too. Cat me if you want to talk or email.
You sound so strong and together though - you are doing really well.

Hi to everyone else too.

How did it go dior - i am doing quite well with my 'starvation' diet - yeah i know it is not the right way but time is so short and at least i am not putting even more on before the hol. Actulally i am usually very good when away as i tend not to pick too much which is my downfall.

Hi HW Yes, I am enjoying the hols. DD is lovely and really good company so it's great having her at home. She talks an awful lot too, not sure where she gets that from We are going on holiday on Saturday so I'm trying to clean and get organised but everytime i turn round all of my efforts have been undone!

We have no sunshine here!! There's a nice breeze though so my washing is drying. I'm hoping the sunshine is waiting for us in weymouth!

Well HW, if the kids won't go sit outside then you will have to. Leave them to their squabbles and go sit in the sun

Hi everyone, really hot in London - shouldn't complain really, but am so glad we have now got a fan in the office!

Pretty stressful here - I am the ONLY person in today, so am ignoring the phone. Had a lovely email from a constituent singing my praises, which makes up for the certain person who called me an 'unhelpful individual' - you can't please everyone.

The shower sort of went well. I managed to remove the cover, having turned off the water, and then got drenched by a geyser of hot water - I hadn't realised it was fed by the hot tank as well as the main supply! A few minutes of panic as I dripped to the boiler and turned off various switches, hoping it would stop, visualising calling my plumber in and paying out £££££... but it stopped, and I DID IT - well, I sorted out the leaking and installed the new knob and seals. Only problem now, is that the pump is on all the time unless I turn it off at the wall switch. Hmmm - have pondered it even in my sleep, and think I know what I've done wrong, something to do with a reed contact and a magnet which should meet, and maybe don't because the holder for the reed snapped. Actually, I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm following my instinct. I'll have another go tonight, so if you never hear from me again, you'll know I have gotten blown up or something .
(I will turn the mains off, I promise)

Anyway, I HOPE I shall be feeling proud of myself later - or else my plumber will be shaking his head and saying, 'women'...

No word from DP since Monday. It would be nice if he texted at least - he admits he is crap at that, but he used to be better.

We have a Japanese student moving in for a month in August. DD is so excited, she says they are really cool and wear cool clothes. Just hope this girl doesn't prove to be the exception then.

Baffy, how did your evening go?

Dior, I sent some vibes your way - did they work? You know, if you shaved all that hair off your back and shoulders, you'd be SO much lighter!

Hi everyone

Just to clear up the thing about the date - I never wanted to go on it anyway so there are no worries there. It was just what to respond to him that I couldn't figure out!

Well last night was a disaster.

I told H exactly how I was feeling and he didn't like it one bit.

I asked why he hadn't told OW the truth about us and told him how it makes me feel when I'm staying in his flat and he's on the phone pretending to her that it's just ds there... his response was that he 'didn't know what was happening with us so what was there to tell her'?!

So I turned it right back round on him. I said what exactly is happening with us?

Silence.

So I took the opportunity to explain how he's treating me, how his actions make me feel, how I feel like the OW in my own marriage! And that I want a HUSBAND! Not a boyfriend or a casual sh*g on the side every now and then. That I either want my husband, by my side 100%, or nothing.

I also said this 'lets give it a shot' attitude that he has, has to be all or nothing. Either we're giving it a shot, 100% committed and together, or we're not.

To add another factor into the equation ow has said that no matter what happens between me and H, she will never ever let me be part of her babies life.

Makes me so bloody angry I had my child into a loving marriage. She CHOSE to get pregnant by a married man who she knew already had a child, and now out of spite won't let the wife and sibling see her child! She is one evil spiteful bitch. The only person she'll hurt in all of this is her baby.

But that issue is an aside really. We all know what she's like. And I'm not wasting my energy on her. Ultimately this is about me and H.

I've now said that I want some time and space to decide what I want as I'm no longer sure I want a future with the man he has become and with the problems that OW and baby will bring for the rest of our lives.

And that's where I've left it really.

And truly, I really don't have any idea if I want this anymore. Right now he's just not the man I thought he was. I want my husband back. Or a new life without him. I'm sick of the limbo.

I'm sorry how rude of me I will catch up with everyone else later I just had to get that off my chest and having the day from hell in work!

Baffy - you're not being rude at all - it just seems to show he STILL doesn't know what he really wants. You were really, really brave to get all that off your chest, even when you could see he didn't like it. It's about time he heard a few home truths.

As for OW, as you said, the only one who will lose will be her poor baby. It'll all rebound on her one day, when the child finds out - as it surely will - that it has a sibling.

Anyway, enough about her - what did he say when you told him all this? Is he willing to give you space or is he going to phone every time she throws another wobbly?

Oh, and DP just phoned - at last! I hinted that the occasional text when he can't call me properly, wouldn't go amiss! Now we'll see.