Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Ginny have lovely hol hope you and the dc's have a lovely time and he is in it with you or leaves you to it!

PC can't imagine how that makes you feel. So he wants what you want eventually , not sure when though I suppose waiting around is no different than what your doing now question is do you want to ?

LL glad the job going well but nightmare at position i would be working for nothing

WW lol at the sat nav scenario agree with Tannee
Can't remember who asked but TFM busy with dd on school hol.

Well didn't get to park yesterday so hoping to go today , have a good one all

Just quickly logging on to catch up and thought I'd say hi.

PC - of course you can email me darling I just hope I can be of some help! TFM and Baffy have my email but I'll check FB tonight, ok xx

BTW Lilyloo and Ginny - LO due in early Dec although tbh my belly is so ginormous that it really should be any day now!!

ginny, have a fantabulous time! Don't let P suck you into any dramas or confrontations and enjoy yourself!
Lily, yeh that's exactly it. It's been 3yrs now. How long am I supposed to wait on his lordship! Just wish I had the gumption to tell him we can only be friends. That's all we are at present anyway. He told me it was getting easier spending time together which really made me think. What's so bloody hard about being with a gorgeous child who adores him and me who has helped and supported him all along?
Cash, thanks. Will try to get on fb tonight. Too hard to do from iPhone! Hope bub doing well
Dior, good on you!

Ladylush, trouble is I can only imagine a dirty weekend with H.... . Why do you think you should have walked? I don't think there are any "should haves" in all this. You do what you think is right for you, and sod what anyone else thinks.

Baffy, glad you had a great time on holiday.

PC, sounds like your festival was good. What does your P want to do for the future? It sounds like he's scared from what you've said? Have you ever issued an ultimatum (although that's risky stuff..)? Do you want to wait indefinitely? (I know that's hypocritical, since I am here, waiting too...)

MacD at your financial troubles. Is it really that bad, or was it a bad time to be thinking about it? I so feel for you.

Ginnny, don't let P get you down. Remember you are stronger than him, and much more in control of yourself.

Well, things trundle along here. H says he wants to meet up to talk finances. I suggested Friday, he's busy. So he suggests tonight. I'm busy. So I'll suggest another night. And it won't be at home. It will be somewhere nice. And I will be looking gorgeous. HA. I am a bit worried I'm taking this too far...

Hello

Ginny I hope you manage to have a lovely holiday I think you've done the right thing in clearing the air and making it clear you won't tolerate any more of his crap!

Macd I'm sorry he's still got such an awful attitude to everything, at least he is finally going to put himself out to help you all through this mess though.

LL things are going well with H thanks. When we're together he's very attentive and is obviously trying hard. He's also keeping in touch a lot. And is taking me out for dinner tonight.

Two problems really - he hasn't yet told OW that he's seeing me again which not only makes me angry beyond belief, but makes me wonder whether he's keeping her sweet so he can go back if things don't work out with us!
Deep down though, I think he's not telling her because he feels like the twat of the century after swearing to her for 18 months that he feels nothing for me and will never go back! And now he has!

Other thing is that I'm no longer 100% sure what I want. I do wonder if the wounds are just too deep and he's hurt me too badly.

All I can think is how badly he hurt me, for so long, the horrendous lies and things he did to me, and the fact that he is capable of it, so can, and might, do it again.

I'm trying to work out if that's a risk I'm prepared to take.

I was so so calm and happy on my own with ds last week. And already my stomach is in knots after a few days back home in this living hell.

I only have 1 life and I'm prepared to give it everything I have. But I guess I'm feeling like you PC, wondering if I'm fighting for something I no longer want.

I loved the old H with all my heart. I do believe with her in his life he changed into someone we all (including himself) hated. But at the same time that was his choice and someone can't 'force' you to be something you're not. He's capable of some very bad things. Things I'd never believe he was capable of. And now she's in his life forever with the child. That was his choice.
But I now need to decide if I want my future to have her and that child in it. If I choose to stay with H then I have to accept that.
If I go my own separate way I will never have to face her or any of her shit again.
It's a tough one. The man I love and married. With a lifetime of crap from the psycho who tore my life apart.

Or a future without H. And whatever that may bring... good or bad...

So I'm going to take all the time I need to decide!

And in the meantime I've made it clear that unless he starts being honest with her, (with everyone!), then it's going nowhere anyway. I'm not being his guilty little secret like she was!

WW

Tanee I'm glad you had a lovely time with dp. How's things now?

Cash how far along are you now? And how's it going?

This is a very very quick one as we are going in half an hour.
Saw TF's brother in town yesterday and he said he thinks he might be doing coke again (he used to do it years before we met) which would explain the agression and moodiness.
I haven't said anything to him as I don't want to fight any more but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
I'm putting it to the back of my mind for the next 2 weeks, and I told him last night that I want a clean break when we come back, definitely so now I have these new suspicions.
I'd really welcome anyone who has had experience of someone taking coke (Sugar??) who can fill me in on the symptoms etc.
Anyway, that's not my problem anymore. I'm off to have a good time.
See you in 2 weeks (if not before - there is an internet room in the hotel - yay !!)

Ginny, that's awful. Sorry no experience of coke, but it really sounds as if a split is the best thing you could do - to preserve yourself. I am really so sorry it has come to this - but he needs to sort himself out, and perhaps you have come to the end of the line until he does.

Do hope you have a good holiday nonetheless - and hope to catch you in the internet room soon.

Have texted you ginny in case you don't see this.

Have a brilliant time. And remember, the problems may still be here waiting for you when you get back, but you'll never get that precious holiday time back so enjoy every minute and make some wonderful memories for you and the dc. Everything else can wait!

This is about you, the children, and the money being well spent on a 'holiday'. Don't let his antics turn it into anything else.

xxxxxxx

Ginny sorry cant help I have NO experience of that..I hope you have a great break just tune him out if hes being a prat.

Baffy you know what I think maybe now you have "won" you will decide you dont really want the prize.

I was expecting to come on here today to posts from the MN nutters telling me how very dare I crack a joke about hitting my husband....yeay I was really for a ruck...we dont seem to attract the nutters do we?

Not letting the Sat Nav lady chastise him...some people pay good money for that kind of thing he may enjoy it too much

I have nice children today im suspecting alien abduction because these really are not my children.

Wily, how very DARE you consider slapping your husband. He is your lord and master and you should kneel down and worship at his feet - as should we all, we feeble, weaker vessels. We are so lucky that these amazing examples of the Virile Powers of Superb Manhood even deign to glance in our direction!

.

Baffy, I am so glad things are moving forward with H - but take one step at a time, plenty of deep breaths, and LET HIM DO ALL THE RUNNING. I really think, though, it will be hard for you to feel as if you are really moving forward unless you know that he has told her - and of course, as soon as he does, she'll be up to her usual tricks. Oh, it's a hard one - but he needs to be straight with both of you or you will never be able to rebuild that trust.

Do hope you have a fabulous evening with him

Thanks guys

WW I'm beginning to think you might be right

I really feel that for starters, he needs to tell her. Me and ds stay at his now and I can hear him on the phone saying, oh ds is here, I have to go etc but he refuses to say I'm there. Make me want to grab the phone and say hello OW did you know I'm here too! AIBU here?! Tell me if I am!

On a similar AIBU level... H went away on a stag weekend while I was on holiday. I've heard (don't want to say how on here but I promise it's true) that the lads got up to some antics... the usual lap dancing etc. Which on the whole I do accept. But they were playing some drinking games with some girls they met... the girls would put the drinks between their boobs and the blokes would pick them up and tip them forwards to drink the drinks...

Sounds absurd I know. But they were all so proud that they could lift up these tiny skinny girls and drink all the drink without spilling it...

Now - is that normal laddish behaviour and I am a complete loony to feel like telling him to shove his meal up his ar*e tonight?!

(Not to mention that I did say to him is there anything I need to know from the stag weekend and did he get up to anything mad and he said "no way babe nothing at all " )

Now I honestly honestly don't know whether that's acceptable behaviour. Or if I'm just hyper sensitive in thinking he should be 100% on his best behaviour right now?!

Help me!

p.s. WW can we swap children please?!

hi baffy, forgive me if in advance coz I think I'm about to be pretty blunt.

By not telling OW that you and he are back together he is effectively making you into an OW.

I know you've both been thru hell and I am sure he's bloody petrified of telling her but it shows no respect for you and ds in not telling her.

And I bet he's saying he's doing it for your own protection to stop her from kicking off on you.

TBH, I dunno about the stag weekend behaviour but I know I wouldn't be happy about it.

BTW, I totally know what you mean about being too hurt to recover and once you've won not really wanting the prize.

I feel like that too but at least your H is 75% prepared to put the effort in to get you back on track and i think you can get over the hurt with enough time and care and communication.

I think my H just thinks it's becomming water under the bridge etc. On the positive side he is at least able to talk about it at a level taht he wasn't before. Still not enough tho..........

I can't live in this limbo for much longer. I can't join single parent groups etc adn move on as I don't really feel single.

Anyway, sorr if I've been too blunt but there is NO WAY you should be skulking in the background when he's on the phone to her.

Thanks PC

You're totally right. The stuff with OW makes my blood boil tbh but I'm trying to rationalise and understand things from his point of view. But you're totally right. He is making me feel like the OW and I just can't put up with it.

I think that chat will have to be had again tonight. I can't carry on like this. Either we're trying and he's committed to trying, or we're not.

I guess I'm scared to push too far as his response could well be that he's not fully committed to trying... which is just daft. because if that happens I'll have my answer anyway won't I!

Totally understand about the being 'single' thing. A rep from one of the recruitment agencies e-mailed me this morning asking me if I wanted to go on a date! Long story but he's been testing the water for a while.
Anyway, I wasn't sure whether to say I'm back with H, I'm seeing 'someone' or yes I'll go on the bloody date!

I think your H has made massive progress PC but I do agree, it's not enough xx

I'm being a total hypocrite here, I know exactly what you're doing and why you're doing it.

I've been doing it myself for 3yrs!

Why I can't take my own advice I will never know so I apologise for being a hypocrite in advance but here's what I think:

Why on earth should you consider things from his point of view? You've given him yet another chance to get his life back on track with you and DS.

Again I know how you feel about pushing things and getting answers you don't want. Totally guilty of sticking my head in the sand there too. You're right tho, if they say they aren't ready to commit then we've got our answer!

In fact, I got my answer over the weekend didn't I? So why the hell aren't I climbing aboard the "Fuck You Sunshine, I'm OFF" Express Train To Happiness?????

TBH, I think your H is really serious about making it work with you. I think my H is too (in his own sweet time FFS!) but they've both become complacent and think they've got all the time in the world and can do it anyway that suits them because we'll always supported them.

UC, I've always been very very wary of issuing ultimatums as I've been pretty sure I wouldn't carry it out. This time tho I am getting closer and closer to having the "divorce" talk again and meaning it.

Baffy, I'd politely turn down the offer of a date tbh. You got head and hands full for now!

Baffy - try and hold onto that lovely feeling you had on holiday when there were none of the pressures of h and ow. I know i still think back to last year when i went on hols on my own with dcs, it still makes me feel empowered to know i can do it alone if i have to.

Totally agree that until he has completely put ow out of his life and you feel comfortable that he has and that he is not going to go running back you cannot even begin to move forward in any way.

Also remember that from now on it will be a very different relationship with him. The 'old' marriage is completely dead and you now (if you want) have to make a new marriage.

When we first got back together i thought i would want to re-do our vows and that would somehow make it better. Now though i have accepted that the marriage meant far less to h and so i have decided that i do not want to commit to him like i did before. I am happy for now but i do not need to stand up and proclaim my love for him and i certainly do not want to promise anything to him. I now know how hollow his previous promises were and so will now enjoy what i have and not think too much about what may happen. That sounds harsh but that is what i feel now - and it is not a bad feeling just different to what i always thought i wanted iyswim. I also think that if things had not resolved with h i would feel the same about any relationship and again i dont think that is bad.

Wrt to the lap dance - i too would now be furious if h went (i know he has in the past and i have been pretty cool about it), but now i think it is degrading and would show such little respect for my feeling that i would not tolerate it. H is not under the thumb but we have talked a lot about what is acceptable and what is not - the line is so eaily crossed and so why even go near it in the first place.

Sex has a lot to answer for - and i even think i have turned into a prude at times - but it brings so much heartache. The whole sex industry seems to promote the 'naughtiness' and secretiveness which in turn leads to lack of respect for partners imo.

Sorry to rant.

I would gladly swap my dcs today - they are tired and just getting on each others nerves.
Still only 6 weeks to go

Hi to everyone else

PC and Baffy
Having listened to how my h felt - he is of the opionion that until they have pushed it to the limit and think they are going to It lose it all.
It was only when he saw that i was going to move on without him that realised what he had to do.
Whilst he knew he could still pull my strings and could come back, there was no need to cut ties with ow.
It was only once ow thought she had won that she started to show her true colours too - which opened his eyes too.

I know it is hard to move on and stop those feelings (and i dont think you need to stop feeling btw), but you do have to show them that you are not always there and that you do have a life that you are going to get on with. Only you know what it will take to make them see that.
For me it was the fact that i was going to move house and he could see that i would actually have a good life even without him. He knew it was not what i wanted but he also knew that i would do it - going to see the solicitor and getting things moving was for both of us the biggest action.

You are both strong woman - but do these men really think so?

I too have not always taken my own advice but i do believe that we make our own happiness.
I think i am happy in myself but it makes me feel good to have h in my life. But i also know that i would never never put myself through that again.
Believe in yourselves.

Baffy you know what you want from him now (to tell ow to get out of his life and that he is with you - you know you are worth that). Demand it of him and remember you dont owe him anything in return so please dont feel bad.

Good luck

Thanks so much HW

Anytime Baffy
Always here for you and if you ever want to chat email me and i will send you my number.

There is still the offer for a break for you and h so we can give the 'treatment' he deseves .

Good luck

thanks from me too HW. I think you're spot on in that, to a certain, extent H totally believes I will always be there waiting in the wings for him no matter what!

only you know what will 'show' him you are not waiting around for him (if that is what you want to show him of course).

The children were a saviour for me though - as i was determined they would have as normal a life as possible even if he was not around.

I do believe that once these men see that they have lost they will either 'accept' it or fight for you. So it is a win/win for you. Either you see that he is not worthy of you or you can sit back and 'enjoy' all the attention .

H really was lucky as i was actually being to 'accept' my new life and although i hadnt moved was already making plans, for a long time it was my house with h living with us (but paying the bills [girn]).
Then we were both lucky in that we had time (his long absence from work) and a new start - the new house. I think it would have been a lot harder without something big to help it.

good luck to you both though.

Is there anything that you can do just for you - that would show him exactly what he is missing.

Is there any big life-changing thing?

Just a thought.

Life can never go back to the way it was anyway.

I really don't think there is HW. I've sold my old flat, bought another one. Taken dd on holiday on my own. Upped the anti in my careet, been on business trips up and down the country and overseas.

He views me as being strong and capable and thinks that I don't need him and that he doesn't deserve me.

But, when I try to reassure him it doesn't sink in. I've lost the plot on a couple of occasions and shown how much I need him and how hard I find it to cope. His reaction to that has prgressed from totally shutting down adn running away to texts saying he wishes he could do more.

I honestly don't know what to do to prompt a response tbh.

Even when the divorce was on the table his attitude was that he wasn't sure what he wanted and that he had no right to deny me as it was clearly what I wanted and he would have to live with that. Like he wanted to punish himself.

Guess I've answered all my own questions now haven't I?

Really, whay am I hanging around FFS!

I know you have done everyting pc and i was not having a go at you at all.

You do know you are a fantastic person and your dd was beautiful.
I really cant believe any man would pass up on that.
He really must be a pratt - sorry dont want to be rude just want to see you happy.

My friend joined a dating site where you have to be introduced by a friend. She has got herself the most geogous man (rich succeful and drop dead handsome too).
Her her (who had an affair) is now getting nasty and wants to come back. She is so happy now even though she never thought she would be again.