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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

1000 replies

Tanee58 · 25/06/2008 10:12

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

OP posts:
lilyloo · 12/07/2008 21:08

Oh McD i very much doubt this is going to be the start of plain sailing i guess kids just adapt to situations initially.
I think he may be going overboard how it's a weight off etc so as not to make too big a deal of it.

ginnny · 12/07/2008 22:22

Hello!
Well I did go out and had a great time, I didn't drink much though - we were talking so much we didn't get time to drink! It really picked me up, and we had a great laugh but it was odd coming home to a dark empty house and I felt really down this morning.
I haven't seen or heard from him since I saw him through the window yesterday which is unlike him, usually he's turning on the charm by now. I saw some of his mates out in town last night and I wonder if someone has told him I was out, which would really piss him off. I don't want him to think I'm rubbing his nose in it, or out on the pull, but in a way it would be good for him to know I'm prepared to move on and not sitting at home moping. I don't know.
I feel crappy today though, I've tried to keep busy and out of the house as much as poss and I let the dc stay up till 930 just for the company . We went to Matalan and bought loads of holiday clothes for them today so they are all excited about it now, I'm not sure how I feel tbh.
Hi Cash - good to see you again! You are right, I do feel emotionally drained, I have fought so hard to keep us together for so long now, I don't have any energy left. Glad to hear you and h are getting closer and I've missed your very generous offers of arsekicking, definitely lots of the Hs and Ps and GWs on here could do with one!
Well done to all these clever little boys! (Bit concerned that ds2's report said he was shy and quiet in class - I think they muddled him up with another pupil!)
Hope TFM had a great day at the races.
I'd be up for a Spa Day in October as long as its not too pricey

macdoodle · 12/07/2008 22:24

Ah Gin you are doing really well - I could do with a night out on the piss....also up for spa day here - H could have all 3 of his DD's - see how he likes being a single parent

lilyloo · 12/07/2008 22:27

Ginny glad you had good night whatever he thinks of last night at least he knows your not sat in waiting for him. I would be up for spa but your all too far away from me !

ginnny · 12/07/2008 22:41

Macd - it wasn't much of a piss up - only had about 4 or 5 G&T's, very well behaved
Its good that dd wasn't upset by your H's news, she obviously didn't realise the full impact of it, but he's not home and dry, when she's a bit older and starts working things out he might have some tricky questions to answer.
My ex is still living with the OW he left me for and she won't have anything to do with our dc, she has a 10 year old ds herself and doesn't want him to meet my dc so XP never has dc to stay and has never told them anything about his life. Ds1 has started asking questions about where daddy lives and does daddy have a girlfriend etc, so he's going to have to answer to him soon enough. Kids aren't stupid, it might take them a while but they suss things out in the end.

macdoodle · 12/07/2008 22:47

Its hard Ginny - because I am so relived she is ok and happy with him and not distressed, but boy does it hurt to talk about it calmly and rationally ...and he doesn't seem to realise how I might feel - he even showed her a picture of both of them (why does he have a picture of OW??)...she said "she's not as pretty as you mummy"...."she's too skinny"....I am so lucky that I have such a wonderful bright caring little girl

UC · 12/07/2008 22:59

hello all.

Ginnny, it sounds like you're doing well. The empty house thing is horrible, I agree. But when you see P staggering past the house, does it make you glad you've taken a stand?

MacD - at H showing your DD a picture of ow. That would have made me angry... Your DD sounds like she's got it right though, you are so much better than ow!

I am debating within myself about what to do next. I think it is sinking in that H really doesn't want back in. He seems so adament, and maybe for my own sanity and security I should just get out now. So having a serious ponder about what to do. I'm not ready to file for divorce, but perhaps a separation agreement - at least I'd have a legal agreement setting out what he was paying to me... and the DSs would be more secure too. And it might give him a boot up the arse. And if it doesn't then I really do have to accept that this is it. I've had a hideous time this week trying to fathom this out in myself. But I've also made a list of things I want to do for ME - join a running club, get some decorating done, go on a [cheap!] spa break...

Will I look back in 25 years, and see this as a blip in an otherwise happy life? It's only struck me this week how bloody easy my life's been to this point. School, uni, job, back to uni, marriage, kids. All v. traditional, and now this spanner. Sigh.

ginnny · 12/07/2008 23:14

UC Seeing him drunk yesterday made me feel really sad, but determined that I'm doing the right thing. I do wonder if he's missing us or just enjoying the freedom of being able to drink as much as he likes without the rows. I hope its the first one, I really do because if not he's going to hit the gutter fast. He's not young anymore and its really taking its toll on his body.
Maybe you should set the wheels in motion for a separation agreement, to protect yourself and the dc. Remember it doesn't have to mean the end and you don't have to stay separated for ever, but its making a statement to him that you won't be left hanging around forever, and I do think that he likes the idea of you being on the back burner for him.
MacD - bless your dd, what a sweet thing to say . Bit insensitive of him though, why doesn't he have a picture of just his dd with no OW. If it were me I'd have got the scissors out

ladylush · 13/07/2008 11:13

They are BASTARDS aren't they. Sorry for outburst but I felt a sudden rage when I was reading MacD, Ginnny and UC's posts. You ladies do not deserve men like this. It also makes me question whether mine deserves me. 5 months ago he was a lying, cheating, selfish a-hole. It's quite difficult to accept that this person has gone. I keep looking for signs he has returned He is doing his very best and has given me no reason to distrust him..........but will that ever be enough?

HappyWoman · 13/07/2008 12:26

LL - completly understand where you are coming from - do you ever wonder leopards and spots?
Try and keep that feeling though about him not deserving you - i still find that the hardest bit.
We had a friend here yesterday who has just got divorced - her h had affair. It is lovely to see my h open up about his feelings more - and i dont think i will ever tire of him saying how sorry he is . I think that is how i know i love him now iyswim.
Hope you are all having a good weekend.
DH is taking yet more time off this week and so may not be around much - we are hoping to do some day trips with the dcs before the main school holidays start here.

ladylush · 14/07/2008 10:07

Thanks HW Your posts always make me feel calmer. Have a great week with your dh. Sun is shining Great news here - only 3 days left in my crappy job

ginnny · 14/07/2008 10:13

Hello! Hope you all had a good weekend. Mine was OK. Went to see Mamma Mia last night - it was fantastic. I'm still singing the songs in my head today!!
I've heard from XP and he's doing my head in. He's trying to turn on the charm, as I thought he would. I took the dc to the park yesterday and he phoned and asked if he could come and see them. He told me that he spent all day Saturday indoors catching up with his washing and ironing and he was sober and lovely yesterday. I despair of him, I really do. From talking to him it seems that if he thinks he can't drink it makes the urge to even stronger, if he knows he can, he doesn't feel that craving. So, I said that's the reason we can't be together, when he's with me he can't drink and that is the problem. It was a relief to finally make some sense of it, but it has just proved that we have to go our separate ways. We are just not right for each other
Anyway, hope you all have a good Monday.
LOL at your outburst LL, I have been having those all weekend
Hope you had a fab day on Saturday TFM.

Dior · 14/07/2008 10:16

Message withdrawn

ladylush · 14/07/2008 10:24

Happy belated bday to your ds Dior. Well done on the walk. Double well done on the ironing (in advance) - I hate ironing.

It's so strange - I haven't lost any weight but I can see my physique has changed and I do look slimmer. Oh well, think I will just abandon the scales.

Ginnny - so sad when you love someone but can't be with them Mind you, you stand shows you didn't drive him away if he has turned on the charm again. I wish there was a pill that would stop people wanting to drink (like there is for smokers).

Must go and do the shopping. We didn't have time at the weekend as ds had a party sunday and we went to my mum's house on saturday.

Have a good day everyone.

TimeForMe · 14/07/2008 11:51

Hi everyone

Ginny I am so sorry. I really wish he would pull himself together and get help. Besides everything else, it's a sad waste of a life.

Well done Dior! Your posts are a pleasure to read these days.

Well I/we had a fabulous day on Saturday. It was brilliant. In fact the whole weekend was great. DP has been absolutely fantastic and he made me feel so special on Saturday. And he washed up last night!!!!! Fully clothed I might add, no bare bum and pinny!

Hope everyone is having a good day xxx

UC · 14/07/2008 12:23

I have a great pic of H in happier days wearing nothing but a pinny doing the cooking...

TimeForMe · 14/07/2008 12:33

Can we tempt you to share UC

Tanee58 · 14/07/2008 12:43

Hi everyone,

Dior, belated Happy B'day to your DS - you must be so proud of his end of term report - you know, I think that what this shows about all our dcs, is that whatever the men are putting us through, we are still doing a brilliant job with our dcs - they are growing up, I hope, to be wonderful people - so let's all give ourselves a pat on the back, girls !

UC - sounds like a photo to keep, whatever happens, even if you wish he'd taken off the pinny and had a nasty accident on the hot stove . I also think a legal separation would be a good move - he does seem to come tripping back when he thinks you're moving on, doesn't he? This will send him a signal, loud and clear, that you won't be kept on the back burner (pinny or no pinny). As the others have said, it doesn't have to mean the end, but it'll help you to know where you stand and plan your life for yourself. If he later wants to tag along, you can deal with that as and if it happens. Nothing is forever - look at the Burtons - or even me - DP and I are on our 2nd time around - even though he seems hellbent on screwing it up again

Ginny, glad you had a good time. Do you think you could continue to have a relationship without living with DP? Could that be the answer? Did he behave better before he moved in, or would it just be better not to know he's on the piss, as he won't be coming home to you?

McD, so glad DD took the news so well. Children can be remarkably flexible about these things as long as they are in the open. I know of a man who didn't tell his DDs about his new family, and they found out by accident. It has backfired horribly, and they don't ever want to meet their half-siblings. Which is a loss to all the children, but the man's a pratt, always was and always will be.

I had a pleasant quiet weekend. DD was out with her friends most of the time. I was supposed to meet a schoolfriend for a picnic yesterday, but decided against it as his friends are really boring and not particularly friendly (been on picnics with them before, and spent most of the time talking to myself as friend had his new girlfriend with him). I was also feeling down about DP despite the sunshine, so spent the day in the garden, lots of undergrowth needed pruning. Felt better for that and walked to work today. Hope I can see DP this weekend in Derbyshire. We always seem to be closer away from home, more like we used to be, and it will be nice to get out of London. (the downside is that his alcoholic sister and BIL usually come to that show - and then have a drunken rage against the family afterwards - can I face that? )

Talked to a RL friend yesterday, who said she feels much the same as DP about sharing the front room with her DCs though her DH is more easy going, so she has fixed up TV and comfy chairs in their bedroom. If only DP realised that this feeling is not unique to him!

OP posts:
ginnny · 14/07/2008 13:23

Happy Birthday to ds Dior.
Quite agree Tannee - all our dc are brilliant and we should be very proud (I know I am )
Tannee - we've tried having a relationship without living together before and its failed miserably. Its a great idea in principle but in practice I still end up affected by his piss ups and I think he still feels restricted.
I think I have got to give him back the freedom he craves, then maybe one day he'll decide he's had enough of that and come back. I don't know.
Well done all the walkers. I'm to say I drove today (we were late and I was tired).. maybe tomorrow!!!

Dior · 14/07/2008 16:10

Message withdrawn

Tanee58 · 14/07/2008 16:54

Well done Dior, I'm sure you'll adjust soon - keep up the walking! xx

OP posts:
Dior · 14/07/2008 18:07

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman · 14/07/2008 20:48

Well done dior - and happy birthday to your ds.
Ginny so sorry for you - but you know you have given it your best shot all the time.
UC - bet i can beat the embarassing photos with my dh - and i am keeping them (he hated it when i showed him them to him when ow was around - maybe it would have put her off) the best one is of him in underpants jumping into swimming pool on holiday. .
McD - hope you are ok and glad at least it is in the open now, no more secrets and lies i hope.
Tanee enjoy your time alone and hope you have a lovely weekend when you do meet up.
TFM - glad you had a good weekend - did you win?

Hi to everyone else
Are we going to be able to do a meet up at all?

TimeForMe · 15/07/2008 07:08

Good morning everyone

Well done Dior! That is really good news. Hope you don;t mind me saying but, try to keep thinking positive. try not to be on the lookout for the changes the doctor mentioned and don't focus on them too much. In other words (and less words ) don't let them bring you down. You have done so well this past couple of months, it's like talking to a different person. Keep up the good work!! xx

Hi HW, YES! We did win! I won anyway cos DP was giving me the money for the bets but I was keeping the winnings I couldn't fail to win!

Have a lovely day everyone. I'm going to sit with DP's gran today, bless her, she is so scared of what is to come. I feel I'm running out of things to say to reassure her. Seeing her like this though has made me even more determined to stay as fit and well as possible and enjoy my time while I can!

Paddlechick666 · 15/07/2008 09:41

morning everyone

apologies once again for being off the scene. work is crazy and the weekend was totally hectic with house guests and museum visits etc.

i am exhausted, dd waking thru the night with dreams about scary polar bears ice-skating

i am reading Halvorsen's book and it is very scary. he has a style of writing that makes the information very accessable. altho what he says is scary he isn't at all alarmist about it. it's a relief to find a source of information that is clear, appears accurate and offers reassurance.

i may become a bit evangelical about this LOL. have decided to take DD to a remote island and live in a cave and eat grass

dior, you're doing so well and i'm really happy that you're reducing the meds. slow and steady and keep your PMA, it really is working for you.

TFM, glad the races were a success. sounds like a great day out. so sorry to hear about dp's gran but I am sure just your being there is reassuring and calming for her.

we are off to Latitude on Thursday and once again I cannot wait. I really need a break. finger's x'd that H will not end up in hospital again!

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