Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

tanee: www.englishhomestayservices.com/

bummer about the tax disc LL, hope you can reclaim it somehow.

ginny, hope you're doing okay this eve.

I'm OK. He keeps phoning & texting making excuses to talk but I can't bring myself to even speak to him (partly because I'm scared I'll forgive him and I so don't want to this time).
I just texted back asking him to leave us alone

Ginny just popping back to see how you are.
I would switch phone off for tonight and see how you feel again when you have had good sleep and your anger has subsided.
I am sure he not in best frame of mind to chat either!

I will Lily - thanks for listening today, you've been great.
I can feel the anger dropping away tonight and I keep thinking what have I done!
Just arranged a night out on Friday with some friends to take my mind off it.
MUST KEEP BUSY!!!!!

Message withdrawn

Morning all
Ginny how things this morning ? What do you mean what have you done ? Nothing you have just reached your limit!

Dior how old is ds ? Can you not withdraw any things he likes computer, after school activities ? I would be really cross too if ds pushed me but i think he just testing your boundaries. We have taken ds new football shoes off him on Monday and he had to improve his behaviour this week or he wouldn't get them back for his
training sessions Fri and Sat!

Baffy you recovered yet ?
TFM you ok love ? You haven't gone and got a hobby have you ? Hope not

LL i can't believe the tax disc never even heard of them doing that. It really makes you laugh doesn't it prob nicked to put in a car with no tax or insurance and then they have accident and get away with it! I hate how we who follow the rules get tax, mot , insurance etc. are punished every step of the way and then people like this profit from us! Dp had someone crash into him without any insurance,tax etc and it cost us hundreds in repairs and he got a £60 fine and 3 penalty points!

morning all, i feel quite good today for some unknown reason.

maybe i haven't realised how worried i've been over teh MMR issue. also this time next week will be off to another festival.

dior, totally empathise with challenging behaviour. dd really went thru it a month or so ago. and it sort of peaked a week or so ago. i had to come down pretty hard on her, had to talk to CM and the GPs about how they reacted to her behaviour too.

This week she's turned a corner and all is well again. Mind you, she seems to go thru these phases every few months so I'm sure the next one won't be long away.

Have you tried How to Talk so Kids Will Listen etc?

With the sds' I used to struggle with how self absorbed they were. Not having had any kids of my own at that point, I know realise that this totally normal. It's one of our jobs as parents to teach them to consider others and see the bigger picture.

Don't berate yourself for thinking you have made him this way. When dd yells and hisses at me I know it's because I have yelled and hissed at her. So I know how hard it is to see your own behaviour reflected back by theirs. I try to see it as a wake up call to me to alter myself but it's hard not to get down about it.

DD told me yesterday "I drive you nuts and you get cross". Boy did I feel fabulous after that little gem!

Check out www.screamfree.com I get a daily email with a little quote about raising kids and it really helps me stop and reflect sometimes.

HTH and don't forget the mantra "this too shall pass"!!!

TFM, stop crocheting lace doilies and get yer butt back here!

ginny how are you today?

You really must stop blaming yourself. YOU haven't done anything wrong. He just pushed you to your limit

Playing devil's advocate for a minute here, but do you think you would have a happier holiday with him there?

I only say it because ds and I are off to Spain tomorrow for 10 days. And I feel physically sick. It's my dad's place so we've been there with H (ds's first holiday ) and I would give anything for H to be going with us. We have the best time on holidays (no stress of real life) and I do get tired and worn out with ds alone, even though he's so good.

I just wouldn't want you to go alone and regret it. You could all go together, enjoy it, but make it clear that it's very much a last resort, doing what's best for the dc etc, and see how it goes. You were so looking forward to it

My instinct would be to stick to your guns this time and so he knows that he really has pushed you too far and it's now over to him.

But I just don't want you to go away and hate every minute of it when deep down, you want him there

Dior - PC's advice over ds is good.
Mine is suddenly pushing my buttons and pushing the boundaries and it's come as such a shock as he was so good, I have no idea how to deal with it myself!

baffy, yeh i found it a huge shock too. dd has always been so good. the other shock i've had is the "I want my XYZ" whenever I've put my foot down. XYZ is either Daddy or Grandma

Ginny, I'm going to go the other way and suggest you go with your boys and tell him he's not welcome.

I know how tough/tiring it is to be the only adult in charge but very rewarding too. It would also gaurantee that you guys have a pleasent holiday without watching the alchohol that he might be drinking constantly.

must do some work!

ps: Baffy, can H not join you for the holiday or a long weekend/few days at least?

the "reality suspended" time is lovely isn't it?

My dad and brother's and sisters are going to come out for a few days. So unfortunately H wouldn't be welcome there the way things are

I'm just going to concentrate on some quality time with ds and then make the most of the extra help when the others come out!

I do agree with your advice to Ginny PC, I think I just know that in reality I wouldn't want to go without him. I went away with ds last year, didn't allow H to come because of what was going on, and wanted to make it clear that ds and I would be fine on our own and didn't need him. And I had a thoroughly miserable time!

Ginny we'll support you in whatever you decide you know that. I really do hope you can stay strong and leave him here to wallow in his own mess.

I wish it wasn't so hard though

How are you feeling today Ginnny? It is so hard having to make decisions when he is the one destroying things isn't it. I know how that feels, though I haven't got experience of living with an alcoholic. You must be feeling so sad and let down

Hello!
I?m not too bad today thanks, I?m back at work and going out with my friend straight after so all the time I?m busy I don?t think and I?m fine. Its at night when I?m on my own it hits me like a ton of bricks.
He is coming on the holiday because his dd is coming too and to be fair he has paid for most of it, and tbh PC I?m nowhere near as brave as you and the thought of taking the dc on a plane on my own is actually quite terrifying (I know I?m such a wimp).
I spoke to him this morning (he needed to get into the house to use the PC while I?m at work) and I told him to take it with him because I don?t need it and I don?t want him using it as an excuse to get in, he moaned at me for being nasty but WTF does he expect? He says he wants us to be friends but how can we be? I just don?t think that?s possible at least not at the moment although I do realise we will have to be on the holiday.
He?s got a big meeting this morning, which is quite important, then he?s going on the piss to either celebrate or commiserate on the outcome. Nothing changes
I don?t think he?s taking me seriously (can?t blame him, I?ve caved so many times) so I think I need to become invisible and uncontactable for the next few weeks, just to make him see what his life will be like without us in it.
LL ? I was thinking about the tax disc, and actually these days your tax is all registered on the central computer. When I had to put a SORN on my car once the lady at the Post Office told me I didn?t need to display anything in the window as if the police see a car with no disc they just run it through their computer and find out if its taxed or not anyway.
Makes you wonder why they bother giving you tax discs doesn?t it?
TFM ? hope all is OK with you.
Dior ? My dss go through similar phases, and I find stopping their privileges works. We?ve actually just gone back to sticking smiley faces on the calendar every day then when they?ve got a whole weeks worth they get a prize. Its amazing the effect of me shouting ?NO SMILEY FACE? can have on them (I do get a few funny looks when I say it in public though .

Hope you have a nice time tonight ginnny - glad you're getting out for a bit.

Got a duplicate disc on Monday. It cost £7 so not too bad, more the inconvenience. I knew the police would be able to see the car is taxed if they check the computer, but was worried we would still be fined for failing to display the tax disc.

Problem is Ginny if hes an alcoholic he will always find a reason to drink wont he. Lets face it if you only need one drink a day you are still technically an alcoholic - you may be completely functional but the nedd for alcohol controls you rather than you controlling it.

All tax discs have a serial number on them dont they - the post office write your details down next to it when you buy it in the post office. Surely if you let DVLA know they must have some procedure for dealing with it otherwise what is the point in making the poor woman in the post office do all that extra admin while the queue gets ever longer?

Oh x posted...glad it worked out but shame it cost YOU extra money....b*rstards

hey baffy, I'll come on holidays with ya next time

ginny, hope you have a good time with your friend today.

totally understand how scary it can be to take kids away on your own. tbh i don't think i would have done it (for all my big talk lol) had I not been forced into it. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

I would just say, be prepared to take the kids on your own. Even P's dd. She's a bit older isn't she so she could help out with baggage and keeping an eye on your dc perhaps.

At least if you're prepared to do it solo you're still in control. If you guys work things out (at whatever level) and all go together that's fabulous but if P continues to let you down etc then you can strike out on your own!!!

I have such a bad back today

If I had to, I would do it on my own, like you did, and his dd is really helpful with the little ones. I'm quite prepared to be on my own with them once we are there and his dd too will prefer to be with us by the pool / beach than in a bar with him.
He's told me not to speak to his dd (he doesn't want her to know what's happened because he knows she'll give him hell).
Sorry about your back PC - what have you been up to???

Ginny, well, if his DD gets in touch with you, it's bound to come out. Or when you're all together on hols, she'll soon pick up that you're not playing Happy Families any more. Tough one though, if he's paid for most of it.

PC - thanks for the links. I've got someone from a homestay company coming round to inspect our room tomorrow. They sound like a friendly company, nice website, so I hope they don't find our hovel TOO unwholesome or are shocked by the wall graphics DD drew all over the spare room (we painted three walls, but I've kept the fourth as it has some quite funny stuff on it). Shall have to nip round with a hoover first thing and ignore all the carpet stains from old hairballs.

How is your back? What have you been up to?

you can come next time pc

I think this'll probably be my last message now as work is absolutely hectic, I'm seeing H tonight and then we go tomorrow.

Wrong timing perhaps, but just got ds some last minute bits from the shop and saw all the new baby stuff and had a bit of a meltdown. H is just drifting along as usual. Being great with me. But I know full well OW has no idea we may be sorting things out and I know for definite she'll change tactics once she does I believe if he's serious about us then she should understand from the start that me and ds will be in her baby's life.
He can't just turn round to her once the baby arrives and say oh by the way, when the child comes to stay with me, Baffy and ds will be there too!! He does need to be straight with her. With both of us. Doesn't he?!

He's just not thinking through any of it and i'm sure he's hoping it'll miraculously work itself out and all be ok. But it won't We actually do have to face up to the reality of this and move forward with a clear understanding of how we want to make it work.

Otherwise the first time she kicks off it'll all fall apart. I know it will.
And he'll say well I never promised anyone anything. And I'll be back to square one.

I do love him. But I honestly honestly don't know if I can deal with this child. And I definitely know I can't deal with us all drifting along for the next 9 months and my world being ripped apart again once it's here and he has to actually face it is real.

Sorry don't mean to go on. I'm just so sick over it. I'm still not eating. I even did a pregnancy test last night myself because I've felt constantly sick for a couple of weeks. (Ignoring the hangover!!)
But it's all tearing me apart. And I think this week away, if I'm not careful, could end up being a week of torture now, not knowing what the hell's happening with them two.

Am tempted to just leave my phone here and tell him he has 10 days to sort himself out and find some answers because I want some when I get back.
But I'm so pathetic I think in that 10 days she'll just worm her way back in and I'll come back faced with him and her living together or something!

I do feel like a pathetic wimp so feel free to tell me off!

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life and I just wish I had faith that H will be the husband I need him to be.
After what's happened though, as hard as I try, I just can't find that faith right now.

None of us have a crystal ball do we.
But I have to say that if the past 18 months is anything to go by perhaps I should just stay in Spain and not bother coming back!

How about our next MN meet up in Spain?! You could all get those penny flights on the next offer, accomodation free at my dad's place, I'll get the rioja in - perfect!

Hope you all have a lovely couple of weeks and don't talk too much without me

xx

Right you lot - stop posting while i am not here it has taken me about an hour just to scan read and catch up .

Ginny - so sorry for you - hope you have a good time tonight though. I used to be scared of going on holiday along with dcs but after last year to florida with all four on my own i can do anything now (they even messed up on the booking and at one point said we could not all sit together - so we were the last ones on the plane. i am a whimp too with flying anyway).

Dior - i suspect ds behaviour is because it is the end of term and they are all very tired and feeling they need to move onto next stage, this is nothing you have done and it is just him testing your resolve - so make sure you stick to your methods.

UC you are doing so well - stay calm and remember dont do anything that you could later regret. But if you do need to shout and scream and cry and swear then go ahead. Although you may not want to do all these things in front of him. I read a book in my darkest times which said that you should give into your grief and cry it all out - and then as you get better try and limit the time you spend 'thinking' about it all. I still do write my feelings down from time to time and will sometimes take myself off for a bit of 'wallow time'. Knowing it is ok to do for a while sort of makes it better iykwim.
My only other advice would be to get yourself a very good lawyer (i have some good tips if you want me to email them to you). Although it was fairly expensive it really was the best money i spent as i felt so much more in control - in fact my solicitor could almost tell me what h was going to do next . I would now never be frightened of contacting one again - but it has to be the right one for you.
My H too said he wanted to provide well for the dc - and believe me that a good lawyer will make sure he does (and it will be a lot less expensive in the long run - for all of you). It does not have to get nasty but imo/e it generally does so beware. He may be all sweetness and light now but once the reality of what he is going to have to pay hits him (and her) he will turn. Protect yourself now - and if it turns out to be ok all the better and he will not begrudge you this surely.

MCD - do you feel guilty because you have told h all along that you could make a go of it? Because if you do - DONT - you dont now owe it to him to make this marriage work. It has taken me a long time to realise this and i think that may be why i still have the odd wobble (i dont want to now be the bitch that dumps him iyswim) But one thing is for sure i am only now here while it is good for me i am never going back to that place again.

I still dont wear my wedding ring - it is pretty meaningless now - i will wear other rings on that finger and will sometimes put it on but h knows that promise was broken and i now will not always refer back to my vows however much they meant to me then. One day we may re-take them but for now just being there each day is enough.
The future is sill too scary sometimes - but for me the turning point was when we were joking/talking about what we would do when the children had gone and we were retired - and i felt all warm inside because he was the one i wanted to share all that with - no-one else, not alone, just us. I know the future can change but that is what we both want and we are now doing it in partnership. It really is a different marriage now - sometimes i want to go up to ow and shout it to her but then i know deep down that if i am truely happy then it does not matter one little bit.

Do you think those tablets are working yet - as i feel so much better.

Although MCd i too stuggle with my weight and wish i could go back to the size i was when i was going through it all - it sounds as if we are a similar size too. My problem too is that even though h has never said anyting he knows i am happier being smaller and so said he would love for me not to put the weight back on (ie go back to my old ways - but i have) and that makes me worry that he will too iyswim, like i have said before he is such a flirt (but i know i am too - especially when i am a bit lighter .

Hi too to PC - you sound so much brighter of late - good luck with the jabs.
Hi tanee - you sound as if you are doing well.
Also hi to LL and WW.
Hi TFM have i beaten your longest post?.

I will try and keep up in future.

Sorry baffy - didnt even mention you.
You will be fine - try and soak up those rays and think of us in the rain here - no-body should ever come on a day out with me it poured all day yesterday we were in london so we did as much as we could inside - but still got soaked. But it was lovely.

Baffy take the time to think about what you want - have you got some good reading matter (trouble is all the trashy holiday must reads are about affairs ). Why not start the novel? Go on dare you before TFM starts it - do you think that is what she is up to now????

Have a lovely time anyway we will be thinking about you - you know where we are if you need us .

Thanks HW

TFM I hope you're ok and I hope DP's Gran is ok too. Been thinking of you.

xx

Hi Baffy, I know this must be so bloody bloody hard for you.

Just when you seem to have turned a corner with H and now you have to go away for 10 days.

I totally understand your fears that OW will re-appear in your absence and wreak havoc once again.

Thing is tho, and don't take this the wrong way, if she is still able to do that and H cannot resist her efforts without you policing him then you have no gaurantees that he ever will in the future.

It's a test I can appreciate you don't want to have to take at this early stage but some good can come of it.

Better to know now if H is not capable of standing his ground solo. Also, this is a great opportunity for you both to rebuild some trust between you. This could be the opportunity that H needs to prove himself to you and give him back some of his self esteem.

It could just be what you need to get back on a level footing with each other.

I'd try to communicate all this to H without setting ultimatums or making threats.

Just tell him that you're apprehensive about going away. That you and ds will miss him and wish he could join you. That you and ds are trusting him to keep his comittment to you and not have any contact with OW etc etc.

Try really really hard to have a nice time and some relaxation. Are you sure there isn't the tiniest window where H could come over?

ps: dunno what i've done to my back. slept funny probably. it's very stiff and feel like i pulled a muscle perhaps