God, what a morning. He was here for 2 1/2 hours. I've just got back from a counselling session, so exhausted now...
When he got here, he was clearly not really sure what he wanted, he didn't talk about the house and our things at all. We made coffee, sat on the sofa, and I waited for him to say something. My mind is just blank at the moment, and I feel kind of frozen - I can't even remember what he did eventually say. I did a lot of singing ba-ba blacksheep in my head so as not to fill the gaps myself.
I did get v. upset at one point, and said that there was no-one here to hold me when I was upset, or cried last thing at night, no-one to tell me it'll all be all right. He asked me what I want, and I said that whenever I tell him what I want, it isn't what he wants to hear, and he stamps all over it, so what is the point. He kept asking though, and it made me wonder whether HE wanted me to say I want him back, I began to wonder if that was what he wanted and needed to hear - does that make sense? He had this kind of look on his face that sort of suggested that, or maybe that's just what I wanted to see. So I said it: I want it to work out for us, I want us to learn new ways to communicate more effectively, to go to sessions to talk more openly about intimacy. I can't remember if it was at that point, but he said that he felt I was stuck in a rut of what ifs and should haves. He said he doesn't see that I am seeing any other outcome than him coming home eventually. I said there are only 3 outcomes - we work it out, we enter into a separation agreement, or we get divorced. I said I don't want to get divorced at the moment, it's all too quick, he's dismantling everything too quickly. He asked what would I do if I was him - I said I would be asking myself really seriously whether I had done the right thing, that I would be going to see someone independent to talk it through, and I would be spending time on my own to think. I then asked him what he would do if he was me - he said if he was me, he would have trouble seeing how trust could ever be rebuilt, how could I not always be watching after him, wondering where he was. He commented about whether he could deal with trusting himself - I said that would be an issue whoever he was with. I also commented that if I was her, I'd have a problem trusting him too... trust has to be proven.
I asked him at one point whether he was happy - he said yes, but also that he was not happy about what has happened, and seeing me upset made him sad. But that's all, he then avoided further discussion of that.
He's worried about it becoming a v. messy and expensive divorce. He wanted to reassure me that he doesn't want me and the boys to have to move from the house - I think that was what he meant by talking about the house. He seemed reassured when I said that I don't want an expensive, messy split either. But I did say that if he was unreasonable, then I would fight my corner. In any event, I said I will not enter into any agreement without first getting a solicitor to say it was reasonable.
He stayed to have something to eat (!). I then went to my counselling session.
She says I must try and stop analysing, and start to think more about myself, not him, and trying to understand him. She sees that the larger part of me is hoping this will all resolve itself and all will be ok. It won't. And by not looking after myself I'm probably making it worse, looking after myself is what will make this situation change one way or another. Perhaps today's need to talk is a reaction to my new hair etc. and his subconscious need to know I am still available for him. He needs to see that I'm not. I think I might book a night away in a couple of weeks. But I am scared of being left alone with my own thoughts...
Goodness it's a roller coaster...