Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Good luck UC

Good luck UC !

Baffy, thanks - as I shall need to go to the loo at some point! (not raising my hopes too much for anything else !)

hi all, i am so busy but wanted to pop in.

small update on H, i said "why am i not surprised" and he said he was being sarcastic.

he has agreed to sit on one of the days i have requested and we have spoken on the phone.

but yes, he is pretty much still pleasing himself as to what he does with whom and when. but i guess on a positive note, it's a gazillion times better than it was nearly 3yrs ago when there was no texts/calls in response to me etc.

also on a positive note, it is all stuff that helps me focus on what i want and whether i do want or could handle a future with him.

i woke up this morning and just felt so good that i had my space and just me and dd to be concerned with. no fighting for the bathroom, no arguing over who should dress/breakfast dd etc.

i also had a major mental rundown of all my male relationships in my life. came up with some weird thoughts. might post on FB tonight to get your opinions.

i think i need counselling.

to everyone a big big big apology for not being more present and supportive. i do have things to say but the thread moves so quickly it's already been said or thigns have moved on!

UC, bloody good luck! head high and shine shine shine!

lots of love and support to everyone else!

I like the positive notes pc

I think if you think of him being back as something that will be difficult, arguing, fighting for the bathroom etc, then in a way that is all good as it helps you know that it's the right thing that you're not with him anymore.

From my point of view, H being back, would mean bathroom time in the morning would be great (jumping in the shower with him for a quickie being the main benefit! ) and regarding ds it would mean two of us to run after him to get him dressed, two of us to take turns in getting him to eat his breakfast etc. It's such a very different way of viewing the situation isn't it.

It sounds like you're really enjoying your space. And if you're happy the way things are then that's great. I hope he keeps this up xx

Baffy, your way would be my ideal but I just know that H would just organise himself in the mornings.

Or he'd do everything so blardly slowly/messily that it would just drive me nuts and I'd end up getting shirty.

TBH, thinking about it, he's just not used to the fact that I work full time out of the home. His ex worked for him and he worked for himself so I should imagine mornings were pretty cruisy and easy going for them.

Hi everyone

DP's gran still very much the same thank you Baffy

WW I feel I already do say "this worked for me" Isn't that what we all do?

I want to apologise if my 'advice' has come across as dictatorial maybe I have become too overly involved? Maybe I need to get a hobby!

Have a nice evening everyone xx

It's a personality thing isn't it PC. H was very much a morning person. Would love to get up early, go for a run, get ds up to have have one to one time with him before work. Make us a nice breakfast so that we could eat together.

That was great for me as I'm so not a morning person. So it worked well for us.

It sounds like perhaps your life is a bit easier without him there. As horrible as that may sound.

I bet there's a million blokes out there who would love to be there in the mornings helping you with dd.

Maybe he is just too selfish to be the husband you deserve?

TFM, you're not dictatorial - you have a huge wealth of experience, and much of what you say rings true - even if we don't always want to hear it! . And it has certainly worked for you, so of course you hope it will for us.

PC, it's certainly good having your own space and being able to organise things your way - and Baffy shows the obverse (never tried the shower - it always seemed too cramped ! Personally, I rather like having the house to myself, but I also love having DP home when he's feeling happy and the best company in the world. When he's miserable, I just want him gone, so DD, the cats and I can do our own things without tiptoing around Mr Misery. I think the main thing is that we should all feel that we are in the place we want to be, with or without the people we want to be with.

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"TFM, you're not dictatorial - you have a huge wealth of experience, and much of what you say rings true - even if we don't always want to hear it! . And it has certainly worked for you, so of course you hope it will for us. "

totally agree Tanee, 100%.

I think that it is very much a combination of not wanting to hear things at times and also the need for us to find our own way and make our own mistakes. We're all obviously very strong people and as much as our worlds may be crumbling we still insist on doing it our own way at times!

I for one think TFM's advice is fantastic and without it I would have crumbled a long time ago I'm sure of it!

I just like to disagree now and again!

I'm glad dp's Gran is ok TFM. It must be heartbreaking but you have been wonderful with her and I bet DP, and his Gran, will be eternally greatful xx

p.s. why get a hobby when you have us?!

And great news about the exercise Dior. Keep telling us. It will get me motivated enough to copy you in the end I'm sure of it!

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No TFM - don't get a hobby! We need you!!!
Well done Dior - I'm proud of you.
Baffy - you're doing great, my fingers and toes are crossed for you too.x
I'm a grumpy cow with dp in the mornings, but can't be like that with the dc - they are too sweet, they both jump in my bed first thing and I get cuddled to death! I really do love living on my own with them, in fact, I love it so much I'm starting to get resentful when dp comes round, because he starts taking over and acting like its his house, which makes me really narky!
I don't know my own mind atm. First I think I want to finish this once and for all after the holiday and go it alone completely, then I think about it a bit more and realise I'd miss him and his family and the good stuff we do, then five minutes later I'm back to the first train of thought. I feel like a rabbit in the headlights - not sure which way to jump, so I'm just staying put and waiting to get run over.

Sorry Dior - I didn't read the last post. Its a shame he's gone cold again as you are starting to feel so much better. Maybe it will just take time.

Oh have you been walking Dior

I am still resisting the Starbucks but 2 weeks on its starting to call to me...and id kill for a cake. I keep looking at my flatter tummy and telling myself its worth it Unfortunately I went shopping today when I was hungry so I did buy a box of cinnamon crumb cake mix I justified it to myself by saying it was "for the children to make" - use by date is July 2009 so I may now have to put it in the cupboard and try to "forget" it!

TFM you are not dictatorial at all you just want to help.

Ginny - I totally understand how you feel. I think you, me, macd, pc... we're all feeling unsure which way to jump right now. Horrible feeling isn't it

Dior that's a real shame. You want my advice... (well you're going to get it anyway ) just do it! When there's a moment like that, and you get the feeling, then go for it.

The last few weeks I had exactly the same thing with H. I was so scared of rejection that I curbed my natural instinct and was actually quite cold with him.
And he was cold in return

From our day out on Friday I thought sod this, I'm going to do it, he's my husband, and if he rejects me I know where I stand. We were sitting in the car and I just leaned over and put my arms round his neck and kissed him. And he kissed me back

Then on Sunday, similar situation, he was the one to inititate it and did the same thing to me.

It seems to have broken the coldness and although it feels slightly strange (after so much coldness for so long!) it's really nice.

I think if you go with your instinct you'll hopefully be surprised at the results xx

TFM nooo don't gooo !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your advice is so well thought out and taken from experience and sincere all the way not at all dictatorial! The teabags would collapse without you

UC hope this aft went well!

Dior well done you and agree with Baffy maybe just initiate it as your feeling so good about you maybe it will rub off on him!

PC did you see that link r/e mmr ?

So that you are all in such a state of limbo at the minute wish there were some answers !

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hi lily, yes thanks I did. still confused but am erring on the side of singles.

TFM, get yer dictatorial arse back here missis!

Did someone call me?

Aren't we your hobby TFM??
Baffy I find the affection thing with H very hard and push him away a lot which I know he finds hard as he is very tactile
I just imagine him going round to her flat to see her DD and him being all affectionate with her - he tells me not but after all the lies it is so very hard to start believing him...think I am so scared he will let me down and hurt me again - I think it would break me

Oh it's all moved on again...

Dior, I agree with the others. If you want to be affectionate, do it. One of the hardest things I have learned recently in a relationship is to show your vulnerability. One of the main ways you can show this is by not being scared of putting yourself at risk of rejection - either by what you say or do - so when you want to give H a kiss or a cuddle, DO IT! If you want to tell him he looks great, or you fancy him doing x, then say it. One of the biggest complaints H had in our chat the other week was that I would sometimes push him away when he approached me for a cuddle/kiss. I so regret that now, because I think he stopped trying so much, and then I began to think he was rejecting me, and so the vicious cycle begins and it can only spiral, ime.

Same advice to MacD I think, but in reverse. I think by pushing him away, it might make it more likely that he feels like going to see ow and being affectionate (sorry if that sounds harsh...)

If H came home to me, or in my next relationship, whichever happens first (!), I have vowed to myself that the first thing I will do whenever H/NM comes home, or we meet, is I will look right into his eyes and give him a kiss on the lips. Do that every time you meet for a month, and it'll be a habit.

TFM, please don't go! I think of your advice a lot, and often think, what would you do now?

My afternoon was ok. I went all made up (but not too made up, after all I don't want to look like a tart, I'll leave that to someone else...), skinny jeans and a little vest top. H was waiting outside for us. DSs really excited to see him. So we went in together. About 7 people came up to me in the first minute and said how fab they thought the hair cut was. I made sure I was all calm and collected, smiley, took lots of photos. Also made sure I looked at H in the eyes when I spoke to him (he always was an eyes man, and always said they were his favourite part of me). He didn't mention the hair until right at the end when he left, and said "the hair does look nice by the way". I take that as a compliment. He also asked what we were doing afterwards - we are usually at the gym, so he wanted to know whether we were going today. We weren't, but we had plans with another of the mums and her little boy. Anyway, didn't mention the FB thing. And really it's just another sign of the same thing. I still don't think he really knows what the hell he's doing.

Or maybe I am just trying to protect myself from the pain of it all by persuading myself there is some sliver of hope.