Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

PS Ginny, (referring to your previous post) yes, it is a tough thing to get your head around and it takes some bloody hard work and self control but believe me, once you achieve it it is so liberating. It truly is!

LOL TFM - see thats the thing - generally I feel fine - happy normal - getting on with my life - content with my lot...
I had to pop in with nurse to se the diabetics and by the time I came out (an hour or so) my fog had lifted because I hadn't been thinking about H ....
But when I start trying to get my head round me and H - trying to see the future , decide what I want - its like hitting a brick wall - all the memories come flooding back it doesn't take a lot to trigger one off and I spiral down - I guess at the moment he isn't making me happy - but what makes it so sad it that NOW he seems to be trying to - just to farking late

Good for you UC You hold your head up high and smile til your cheeks hurt! Try to rise above all this and don't let it bring you down. xx

That's why we all love you TFM - you see the good in everyone
x

So macD, you are happy until you think of getting back together with him and all that will bring. So don't think about it. Try to let all that go for a while and just enjoy what you have. You are sounding so much happier these days, your posts have been so much more positive and stronger. I wonder (just a thought) but do you think you might feel obliged to take him back because that is what you wanted for so long so, you feel as though you should rather than it be something you really want.
IYSWIM.

I try to Ginny, I really do. I may be very naive but it really does bother me to think that someone who once claimed to love you would set out to deliberately hurt you. Maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age

I think our advice somewhat reflects the stage we are at with our own relationships.

I think once you try a course of action that works, like you TFM, you can look back, see your mistakes, and then advise with wisdom and with the benefit of hindsight.

For all of us, we go through the emotions as and when they come, and then do what feels right at that time.

I think that my advice to UC comes because I regret not voicing my real feelings in the early days. I tried to withdraw too quickly. Tried to show him what he was missing. Be strong and dignified.
But, in my case, it led to him feeling guilt free and happy to move on. It backfired big time!

He was so shocked when I eventually broke down and let him have it! That was literally months later. And again changed the dynamics of the relationship. I really wished I'd got it all out at the start.

I think for you TFM, it's after a lot of soul searching and learning from what didn't work, that you found the best way to deal with your situation and found what works for you.

I bet it's frustrating to think you're watching us repeat your mistakes. When you know what's worked for you in the end.
Everything you say is spot on. Especially about being responsible for our own feelings. But I think our partners respond in very different ways to our behaviour and the same thing that may salvage one relationship, may spell the end of another.

If that makes sense!

I only hope UC can see all these different perspectives and understand why we disagree. But then find whatever perspective feels right for her, and go with that.

I hope we're not messing your head up even more UC.

Just do what I do. Take on board the advice you like agree with, and ignore the rest!

x posts we're all talking too much!!

You getting soft TFM... never!

I agree with TFM - Macd if it sends you into a downward spiral thinking too much, why not take a step back and just take each day as it comes?

Let him continue trying.

Enjoy his company.

See where it takes you.

You said 6 months didn't you. Why not see how it goes, without too many decisions or too much thinking, for the 6 months.

Give him the chance to make you happy again. Just protect yourself for the moment and leave all the thinkng/trying to him!
You can take all the time you need.

Yes baffy I agree with you (to a certain extent ) plus there is also the fact that you are not at the end of your journeys yet, so until you have 'arrived at your desired destination' you won't really know which method works best. IYSWIM??

But on the whole I agree with what you say BUT, I must disagree on what worked for me. What worked for me was about me, not about DP. Once i took the focus off him and me my priority, thats when things began to click into place.

I don't find it frustrating to watch baffy, i just wish it wasn't happening to you all, I wish I had a magic wand that could make everything ok and everyone happy. But unfortunately I don't, I realise however that it's all a learning curve and we will all come out at the end of all this a lot stronger and a lot wiser.

Baffy!

Right, I'm off to do some detailed accounts analysis to give my brain a rest!!

I must say though Baffy, I think i do try very hard to get you all to where i am at now. I do want to cut out the middle man for you, that being all the pain, the heartbreak and the crap and get you right to the end. If I could spare any of you all of that I would be so happy. Myabe I try too hard?

Right I'm off to sit with DP's gran now. She always agrees with me

Have a lovely afternoon everyone. Don't talk too much without me! xx

I don't think you try too hard at all
It's amazing the amount of time and effort you put in to support so many hairy truckers!!

I can tell you want nothing more than for us to be happy and get to the place you're at.
I even find myself feeling guilty if I come on with lots of negative rubbish, clearly ignoring your advice, only for you to have to spend more time trying to help me!

I think that's what I was saying though, about everyone having to follow whatever path they believe is best for them. Only by making our mistakes, going through the pain, and learning from it, will we ever gain that wisdom and get to our own happy endings.

I think all the advice just helps us get there that bit quicker and with a bit less pain. But we still need to live it through in our own ways don't we

I hope dp's Gran is ok xx

ladies

McD maybe it's the fact that when you are trying everything possible to get him back , get him to take responsibility and face up to things your mind and actions are consumed by this.
Now he has started to do that your brain has space to begin to think things through/deal with the future etc. it then sends you into a whole other train of (negative) thought. But maybe you don't have to make the decision for what if's maybe just deal with things a day at at a time and fill that head space with nice things that dh is doing.

UC hope this afternoon goes ok but (sorry) TFM i think if you need to show/tell him how his actions are still hurting you i would. As dp even now cannot bear me to talk about things but i think it's important that he sees how i feel too and what impact his actions have had.
Also tell friend not to mention fb as you would rather not know , luckily i have never seen dp's some days i would like too but i think it's best left to him.

PC YOU SEEN THIS

The thing is like they say there is no "one size fits all solution" to problems in a relationship - there are so many variables

how much you still have chemistry/care for each other, whether you are willing to admit to and solve the issues that caused the problem, whether you are both willing to work at it or does he want to sweep it under the carpet and carry on as before and how nutty the OW is - will she let go/play up and how much willpower does he have to stand up to her.

All you can do TFM is say "this worked for me" - you and I have very different solutions but I would say we are both satisfied with how things turned out for us.

Baffy do you think there is an element of your H thinking you didnt need him...you had DS...a home...a great career so he turns to someone needy who makes him feel like an alpha male. Im glad youve turned the corner I hope he appreciates the chance you are giving him. Glad DS is feeling better - ive had the same thing with a hospital visit convinced DS is SOOO ill then all of a sudden faced with new toys he recovered miraculously

Glad it's not just me with the hospital visit WW

I think you're right there was a lot of issues about H perhaps not feeling like we were equal because of various things, including my career and what I earned (not that he ever begrudged me doing so well) but I think the main things he liked about her were the fact that she clung onto his every word, worshiped him almost, and offered herself on a plate at every opportunity.

This was the most stark contrast to me who was working 40 hours a week, commuting 3 hours a day on top of that, more than capable of looking after myself, lots of friends, active social life, new baby... I think he wondered where he was fitting into all that! And I have to take some of the responsibility in that way because I really didn't make the time/effort for him in those 12 months after ds was born because of everything I just mentioned.

Not that it was an excuse to behave like the selfish twunt he's been for the last 18 months!
A good chat and some time toegther could have solved it!!

Anyway, I really hope he does appreciate this chance. I really do. Only time will tell though. He's very up and down at the moment. The last few days I've had nothing but nice messages, including 'I love you so much beautiful'... But today all he has said is he's feeling low and he's not sure why... with a sad face!

I'm not going to over-think it though. I can't solve everything for him. I'm his wife, his partner, not his mother and problem solver! I'm going to carry on down this same path and when I get to where I want to be he'll either be with me or he won't! I have a few houses to view when I get back from holiday and I'm so excited. I'm doing this with or without him!

Baffy its good to hear you sounding stronger - just try to make sure you have a line you dont let him cross

If being down makes him behave in unacceptable ways then he needs to get help or find the cause of it and ways of dealing with it. I'm very up and down but I know what triggers it and what to do when I feel myself sinking (im usually really high the day before) Ive grown up with depressive parents its such a selfish illness and im determined not to let mine affect my family it is very hard sometimes

Thanks WW

In the past, the minute he said he was down I'd be falling over myself to help him find a way to feel better and suggesting all sorts of things to 'help'.

But FGS I'm just about dealing with the fact that my husband is going to have a baby to another woman! So I think in that respect we are both going to have to learn to deal with things and more than anything, he actually needs to learn that the relationship works both ways and I need support too.

All I replied is that I understand he's finding it hard - so am I!

Thanks for the support WW

You need a man not a boy like I keep saying up to him now to prove he can be that man.

Baffy, you sound so much stronger and sure of where you're going - it's up to him whether he tags along with you - and it sounds like a strong part of him does. I am still hopping along with everything crossed for you .

Also glad DS is ok. It certainly sounds like an episode I had with DD when she was about a year old - same shrieking with pain, too young to say where it hurt, her father and I were desperate and called the night doctor out - and she was fine by the time he arrived. He put it down to wind (and I myself had a dose a few years ago, and BOY, it hurt, I thought I was dying!!)

UC, best to step away from his FB page. Whatever his reasons - and I too suspect pressure from OW or an attempt to convince himself - it's hurtful and inconsiderate to you. But maybe it would be worth trying TFM's advice to me yesterday and ignoring it - just keep your conversation with him easy and no pressure? I don't know - only you can decide.

HW - hope you will have a great time in London. The weather is weird, so hope you've packed plenty of changes of clothing. DD and I had a great morning taking nephew to work in Parliament, then we visited the Supremes exhib at the V&A. Glitzy dresses, and the memorabilia took me through most of my childhood and teens - great fun. I'm going to an 18th century dance class this eve run by my old tutor - it was through her that I met DP when we both worked on an Elizabethan show and in fact she gave him my number as he was too shy to ask me directly. She'd be gutted to know he's hurting me a second time.

After that, having read that it's nice to surprise your partner to freshen things, I'm planning to meet him off his train - have a Brief Encounter moment at Liverpool Street - and I have told DD that she and Nephew must go to their rooms when we get home, as I want the front room for a nice evening a deux and besides, they really need an early night as they were up far too late last night watching Seinfeld DVDs. So I am going to do my part to have a no pressure, relaxed soiree for just the two of us - let's hope DP will be in the mood for it...

Right, made a decision. Now I have lovely new hair cut, just showered, put on makeup, done toe nails (busy while DS2 asleep!!), and approach this afternoon is to say that I am finding the old me again. DS1's graduation isn't the place to have a go... Wish me luck girls.

Good luck...head high, shoulders back

Good luck UC

Tanee that sounds like a lovely idea I hope it goes really well.

I'll let you un-cross everything just for tonight

WW... you couldn't be more right!