Glam & Fab Part 6 - The Summer of Discontent

[Tanee58]

Hope you all find your way onto this new one !

Oh UC that's awful

I am going to go against the grain a bit here, but I do think that sometimes they do need to know how you're feeling.

H has clearly told me that in the early days, when I appeared to be strong and coping well, it made him feel a lot better. I guess it gave him the 'ok' to go and have a good time with OW because I was ok.

But when I broke down and told him it wasn't all ok, and I wasn't getting over it, he had to actually face up to some of the pain and guilt at what he'd done.

Although I'd be tempted if I were you to get rid of FB completely. I think I'd have to tell him what a complete and utter tw*t he is to flaunt his new relationship for the world to see when his wife is devastated and he's walked out on his children. Like it's something to be proud of?!

Sometimes I think they need to hear the harsh reality of what they've done. If you being strong and silent is just giving him free reign to go and do as he pleases, then perhaps he needs to be reminded that this isn't all just going to 'go away'...

I fear that with the FB thing he is actually not giving a shit about you and almost rubbing your nose in it. (Although I wouldn't be surprised if that status change has been prompted by OW!). You have to do what you feel is right.

If you do have the strength, then walking away and not giving him the time of day may actually be the best thing you can do right now. But I know that's easier said than done xx

Message withdrawn

Oh UC that is terrible - i tend to be a bit more devious and i would say something along the lines of 'oh thanks for putting it on facebook it makes it a lot easier for the solicitors now instead of having to gather evidence of your adultery' (or are you not married - sorry if not as it is not a weopon then is it?).
I also think that you sometimes do have to just come and say how you feel - try and find a way of really expressing what you feel - yes he may think you a fool but at least he will know how you feel. Big hug to you anyway.

TFM - yes i do think a lot of it stems from the fact that i too gave up work - and it is probably some of my own feeling too that i am not contributing as much. We both come from quite lowly backgrounds and we could never have dreamed that h would be where he is now (both staus and money wise).
I think i always sort of knew the affair would happen if that makes sence - and i suppose it just re-inforced that i really was not 'good enough' all along.
H is good at trying to boost me though and apart from when the affair was going on has never outwardly made me feel inferior to him or anyone else. I dont think he sees my role as lesser than his but i do think the ow infuluenced his thinking to some extent about my role (she holds down a full time career and is a mother (of sorts - she left her dds). So logically i know she is nothing compared to me i still sometimes feel low about it. I have gone back to very part time work and it really has boosted my self worth. Now i want to use my brain and do something else just for me - just what is the question. But i have been firm with h and told him that i will not just jump at anything and i am going to give myself the time to really find what i want to do.

I sometimes feel as if i am leading someone elses life and will wake up and it was all a dream does that make sense?
We have done so much and had some fantastic luck - i guess i am just scared sometimes to fully let go and enjoy in case it all goes wrong again and prove me right as it has in the past.
I think as well i always thought that if he cheated it would be the end (i remember once he went away for 3 weeks - and it made me feel so strong that i could cope alone that the fear of him leaving was so small - i probably felt the best ever then btw he hated every minute he was away too). I think that is how i felt last year on holiday too.
But in reality i did not 'kick him out' and i suppose i struggle with the fact that i did not stick to my principles iyswim - that i have somehow failed who i was then and let me down by forgiving h.
I have told him that if it happens again it will be it (but how can he believe it when i am not even sure of that myself?) I want to think i would kick him out but would I? if it came to it - that is not a nice feeling.

Anyway must go now and tidy up so when we get back tomoorw it looks as if i have not been on the computer all the time .

UC I agree with Dior. It's a bit like checking someones phone and not liking what you find. If you don't think you can handle the findings then you shouldn't look in the first place.

I personally don't think he is flaunting himself or rubbing your nose in it. I don't think he is doing this to hurt you, he is just living his life. Yes, I know, it hurts like hell but thats because you still love him, you want him back, you don't want to think of him moving on without you, of course you don't. But unfortunately UC it's something that you cannot stop.

Yes, you can rant and rave at him, you can tell him how much this has all hurt you and the pain it is causing. It might make him stop and think a little but that isn't going to be what brings him back. I think you can let him know how hurt you are without ruining the 'relationship' you have with him now.

But, like baffy says, you have to do what you feel is right for you.

You are doing really well UC, you have handled all of this fantastically so far. You should be very proud of yourself xx

Dior - i have no doubt that exercise is a huge part - i suppose i am not selfish enough to make time for me to do it. But come september when they are all at school and i have no choice but to walk lo to school i will have no more exuses and will programme it in - i have done it in the past so i know i can do it again.

Message withdrawn

That all makes perfect sense HW. Do you think the fact you sort of expected him to have an affair could come from you comparing yourself to the suited and booted career women working alongside H, impressing him with their work knowledge while you meanwhile, are stuck at home, knee deep in laundry and nothing much to impress him with aprat from the sharp crease you iron down his shirt sleeves!

You have metioned a few times the struggle you have with your principles that you didn't kick him out. Don't you think sometimes that our principles can be our downfall? You didn't kick him out because you love him, you saw something in your relationship, in your past together that was worth fighting for, worth saving and you have worked bloody hard to pull it all together. If you had stuck to your principles you would have been a single mum now, dropping the kids off for access visits. Do you really wish you had stuck to your principles

Do you think the fact that you remind H that you went against your principles and let him stay and have told him that if it happens again you will kick him out, is a sort of protection for yourself? IYSWIM. You want him to have that threat hanging over his head so that he will think twice should he ever be tempted again. But on the other hand you are worried he won't take you seriously because you let him stay this time. And at the same time you are not sure that if he did do it again you really would kick him out?

I don't think you have let yourself down HW. I think you have shown that you are a woman of great strength and with a huge capacity for forgiveness. It seems sometimes that you are battling with the woman you would like to be and the woman you really are. Forgiveness isn't a weakness, it's an amazing quality and one you should be proud of xx

I have to disagree - I do think he's flaunting it!

Wouldn't do for us to always agree with TFM anyway would it?!

Why publicly declare your relationship, so soon?! Even after more than 12 months apart I'd have been devastated if H thought it was ok to start telling the whole world how happy he was with a new woman while I was in bits. We're all grown adults. We know how are actions affect those around us (most of the time!)

I think you can live your life, but if you're truly happy then you live it, quietly, enjoy it, and do your best not to hurt others in the process.

He wants a reaction from UC. Not sure what. But he's very aware how hurtful that will be and he's either doing it to keep OW happy, or to show UC how 'happy' he is, or just to see how UC really does feel about him.
Whatever his reasons, he's aware of what he's doing, and it's a nasty, selfish thing to do - and shows no regard for UC or what he's done to her.

It's so hard UC Only you can do what you think is best. HW's advice on how to respond is good.

(Dior - I'm still taking inspiration over the exercise! I'll get round to some soon!)

HW - I can't believe how you felt. I can understand it. But it's heartbreaking to think you felt that way. I only hope that you're now starting to truly believe just how special you are and how lucky HE is.

He may be publicly declaring his status because he simply wants to. There are lots of reasons why he may be doing it, one of which may be to subconsiously try to convnce himself he is happy. Only he really knows why he is doing it.

I think we need to agree to disagree on this one Baffy

Lilybubble lovely to hear from you and you sounding so happy

Baffy you seem to be finally making steps in the right direction with h. I so hope you can make this work as you have given him more than most women would but only you know if all your fighting for him is worth it and i hope it is. Poor ds it sounds like wind i have only ever had this once and had to come home from work as i was in agony!

PC so and for you and poor dd you just don't seem to be getting anywhere with him. His selfishness seems to know no bounds.

UC stop going on fb it's making you more upset and you don't need to have your face rubbed in it. I am sort of on the fence here as whilst i knoe the standing back and coping things is very admirable i sometimes think it's quite easy for the man to not have to face up to the aftermath if it's not in his face. My very good rl friend has just left her partner and gone off with ow and froma very selfish point of view she just wants to see her meet someone else and i think this comes form her need to relieve herself of the guilt. I think meeting for a day out with dc's is a great idea though but if you need to chat just ask him to meet up he can only say no.

HW so sorry to hear you are still so down i think you need to take the advice on here and stop projecting the feelings of the affair on to yourself. You have done a fantastic thing moving on and making another go of it and don't forget how much strength that takes. He is a very lucky man that you have given him another chance as for what would happen the next time i know 100% it would be over if her ever hurt me like that again as once is naive but twice is knowing what hurt , devestation it causes and still going ahead anyway. But no point trying to second gues how you would react as you don't know until your in that situation.

Dior / TFM lovely to see you both so happy and at TFM having an affair how ironic that could be a reason others see as you looking good/happy

Well all ticking along here and dd still not sleeping so we trying to tackle that at the minute whilst trying to be aware of how much pressure this is putting on us at the same time. I think the good point of the aftermath means when we have stressful situations we realise we need to pull together on it rather than get cross with one another. Hence after being up at 1.30 - 4 am last night we ended up laughing at nothing (think it may have been hysterical) but at least it got us through it, working as a team i guess

No lets argue TFM we haven't had a good fight on here yet!

I do agree with you on one thing though... only he knows why he's doing it!

I still think it was an awful thing to do though. There's no excuse. Whatever his reasons.

We can't all go about doing whatever we want all the time, regardless of the impact on others. We make promises. Committments. And if we break them, and break someone's heart in the process, a little empathy/consideration wouldn't go amiss.

I'll shut up now!

Glad you're ok lily - if you can laugh after being up from 1 until 4am then you're definitely doing something right!

Lily I think thats a good point. I think sometimes the 'leaver' does want the 'left' to meet someone else to relieve them of the guilt.

at me having an affair. I've had a few compliments the past couple of weeks, makes me think how much of a dog I must have looked before!!

You and DH sound to be doing well Lily, I'm glad things are ticking along nicely for you. Try to grin and bear the sleepless nights, they won't last long, just make the most of not being asleep

Are you trying to have the final word baffy?

Well, while I agree with you to a certain extent, as in I know that I would be considerate of a persons feelings and do my level best not to hurt them or rub their noses in anything, I accept that not everyone feels or will act the same way.

Also, as harsh as it sounds and as harsh as it is, (i only interpret the rules, i don't make them) no other person is responsible for another persons feelings. It's up to us all to find a way to deal with our own feelings.

I'm going to shut up now too or I'm going to be in the bad books again

That's assuming that i'm out of the bad books!

H trying his very best - but I fear in my heart very hidden away that is not going to be enough
He is being kind and loving and considerate no complaints when I ask him to do something, telling me I look beautiful (which is a massive step as I am fat and I know he hates it but no snide comments no comments on eating he even made me cheese on toast this morning) - my old H - I waited so long for him to come back - but he brings all this history with him - all the terrible things he did, the lies he told, the deceit, ....and the OW and her baby with him
And in my heart if I am very honest I think it is too much - I think my heart is broken and just can't be mended
DD1 seems unhappy too - unusual for her she is a lovely happy outgoing child - but we had tears last night - she says she misses her dad, and we decided that H will tell her about OW baby this weekend (he is going to have her overnight on sat and tell her by himself I think it is right that he should)am not sure how she will take it at all and he has booked table for us to go to her favourite restaurant for lunch as a family on Sunday....
I feel torn - we are starting to feel like a family, things are Ok with H and I - I asked him how he thought OW would react IF he told her we weregetting backed together and TBH he looked panicked - I don't think anything is going on but have no doubt she will up her game ...and what about the practicalities of her baby - she won't let him have baby here at my house I have no doubt of that and am buggered of I am going to be mug enough to let him cosy up in her flat looking after baby .....even though I know if we were ever to get back together I would have to trust him - but him and her together is just a step too far I am not a bloody saint

Haha sorry I wasn't trying to have the final word!

You were never in the bad books in the first place!

Phew!!!! Twas a worrying time!

You sound worn out by it all MacD Do you feel able just to take a step back from him, from any thought of you getting back together, just enjoy each others company maybe? Just be friends for a while and see how it goes. Just to give you a break.

Macd what do you want? Are you happiest all together as a family and do you love him enough to accept everything he now brings along with him?

I believe that you can find a way through it, together, if you both want it enough. And you both want each other.
Eventually OW would have to accept you into the child's life if you and H were toegther. Harsh reality. But they knew what they were getting into when they got pregnant to married men.

Just as, if our H's decided to be with the OW, as much as it would hurt, we would have to one day accept that women into our children's lives as their step mum. We all have to face up to the awful consequences of what's happened. But it's happened and isn't going to go away.

So if you want H, more than anything else, then you will find a way and we'll all help you every step of the way.

It depends whether he is capable of being the husband you now need him to be. Deep down do you think he is? xx

Sorry that sounded incredibly mememem...I started writing it ages ago (then had to go and do some work then you all started chatting so it sounds totally out of context and like I have ignored you all...not the case just missed about 20posts in between you gasbags ...
SO
PC your poor DD and poor you - was he TIC with that text surely he really doesn't think that he is the priority - even my H puts the DC first (even OW).....well most of the time but he would certainly go to the hospital if one (including OW's) was ill...
UC - oh my heart aches - TBH I wonder if you are being too strong - maybe you do need to scream and shout and wail - make him aware that he has done a BAD THING - and maybe it will help you - I did used to feel better after a good cry?? Sorry TFM
What a plank the FB is OUT OF ORDER and you need to tell him that!
Baffy - small steps - I do hope things work out at least one of us will get a happy ending
Dior, TFM, Lilyloo you all sound so lovely and calm and I remember when you weren'y - it does help to know that it can get better
Lilybubble welcome back I would like to be able to move on like you have
Cash are you ok whats going on??
Tanee and Gin - your bloody men I could drown them in their bloody wine bottles son't they know what they are risking !!!
OK summer meetup come - where and when???

TFM - were you at my Alanon meeting last night? That is exactly what they were talking about, how we are only responsible for our own actions / feelings and not those of our alcholic people! Its a tough thing to get your head around and I struggle with it all the time.
However (don't get cross now!) I do tend to agree with Baffy. Whatever the reason for him doing that, he must surely have known that UC would see the change in relationship status and that it would have hurt her. I agree with Baffy's suggestion that the OW most probably had something to do with it - marking out her territory! (In fact I insisted that dp put "engaged to ginnny" on his status, just to make it clear to any old girlfriends who may be lurking that he's MINE - although the way I feel about him sometimes they could have him with bells on !!)
UC - you don't have to seem bitter or stroppy about it, but it wouldn't hurt to just mention that although you are making the best of the situation, this is his choice and not yours and you would appreciate not having your nose rubbed in it so publicly.

That's ok MacD I'm not perfect you know. I've done some crying and wailing in my time I just know it never got me anywhere, whereas playing it cool, clam and collected got me a lot further. But it's each to their own, thats what I say

Well you certainly sound a lot brighter in your last post. How long did you say you were writing the other one? A week!

In fact - an ex girlfriend of dp's did pop up on his FB a while ago, very pretty, sexy looking photos, single etc.
Guess what her profession was?

ALCOHOL COUNSELLOR!!!!

How I laughed

Hi Ginny I think the point I am trying to make is, yes he may have put it there to get a reaction from UC but he may not. We don't really know do we? As usual I'm trying to turn a possible negative into a positive Trying being the operative word

Sad thing is I don't look, but one of my friends sent me a text this morning asking if I am ok, and mentioned it. I don't think telling him how I feel will do anything. I have to see him this afternoon though for DS1's preschool "graduation" (?!). Going to look the business. I also think she may be putting pressure on.

Will read everyone else's posts first - got to cook lunch and was being selfish and only reading bits related to me. .