Hi everyone
Its just taken me an hour to catch up with everything - and that was only scan reading so i may have missed some things.
Had a wonderful weekend - despite weather at legoland - it rained all day and we looked as stupid as everyone else in our yellow plastic bags . We had pre-booked with a hotel so we had to go anyway. But we proved ourselves british and enjoyed it anyway.
Lillyloo I too sometimes think i am bored of the 'normalness' of life now and sometimes question what my life could have been like. (i knew i wanted to be with h and have this life but i guess it is a bit like the what-ifs?). I sometimes wish i could go on a first date again - and it is hard to keep the spark in our daily lives - but the lovehearts sound lovely.
At the moment i seem to have so many reminders around me for no apparent reason (not dates or places as such). The other day i parked in a car park and when i returned the car next to mine had a personal number plate with her name . It seemed to spoil my day and i get cross with myself for thinking nasty things about it again ifswim. My lo also wants to call her dolly her name (it is hard to say how lovely darling through gritted teeth ).
I just wish there was some way i could block out all that time and memories.
McD - i can completly understand about the bitterness too - i still wish my ow ill from time to time too (and that is not the person i want to be at all).
Dior fantastic news about the weight - i have today decied to be good for as long as i can - we are going up to london this week so i know i wont stick to any diet as such, but i hope to just not worry too much and not go completly mad.
I am going to make a huge effort when the schools return because realistically i cant do much until then anyway. You do sound so much brighter already.
UC - you are doing so well - i have learnt so much from h since his affair and he says the fact that i did not go off at him too much did make a difference (he felt all the more guilty about it). He finally realised that ow was being very manipulitive too (and the fact that she tried to point out i was only doing it too 'keep' him). I think the fact that ow will often say the wife is a fool for staying says it all too - it seems ok for her to be with a lying ** then does it?
Keep it up and i am sure he does not really know what he wants at the moment - keep looking after yourself and even if you dont get the chance to get him back you will already be such a long way on your own journey anyway.
Baffy - he really does need to show you now that he means what he says - also do not be surprised or feel guilty if this is not what you want anymore - he can make you feel sorry for him but if what he is doing is not enough for you again that is his fault not yours. It can still work but he really does need to be 100% open and honest with you - it will not be easy for him either and you will have slip-ups. It took a long time for my h is fully understand that i NEEDED to know about ALL contact, however much that would have hurt me at the time. He did keep a few things from me at first and it was hard but now i believe he knows that if i find he has deliberately 'ommitted' something he is in big touble. As time has gone by i have not checked up on him as much anyway.
I cannot stop him ever doing this again - he knows i will survive without him, and he will make himself to look a complete fool anyway. But it is so very hard to trust again and like i have said before i am not sure you really do have to have complete trust - just an understanding and respect for each other, and why they are feeling the way they do.
I think as well baffy - you will not know exactly what you want until you KNOW you can have h again - and dont ever feel bad that you may later change your mind too. As LL said you cannot give him a guarentee that you will still want him - but you need to know she is well and truely out of the picture first.
PC - I too was unsure about the mmr - all my others had it but for some reason i just couldnt bring myself for dd. I delayed and delayed (which i also did not want to do - i have worked at Great Ormond street hopital and seen the dreadful effects of measles first hand).
She has now had it with no ill effects. I too did a lot of research and there are adverse reations to the single ones too so it really is a hard choice.
In the end i thought that at least with the triple is is only one needle which as they get older is better anyway and will not give them such a phobia of needles - especially as they have to have the pre-schools. Good luck whatever you decide to do it is a tricky one and as always will have the guilt anyway.
TFM i am always amazed at your stength - i really do hope i can find some for me. Going back to a previous question you asked me - DH is always willing to answer my questions and talk about the affair but i do think he is getting very tired of it too and feels that when he starts his new job he should not have to do as much. (he feels he has now done EVERYTHING he can), which he has but i still get angry when i think back and wish we had done things differently. And i know we cant change that now.
Anyway hi to everyone else - still have another busy week so may not get on much again but i am fine anyway.
PS - did get the supplements (bought them in Holland and Barrett - will look for cheaper if they work). Have taken a few at night - not sure when i will feel any effects but have already had some 'odd' dreams - not dark like when i am feeling low but very odd .