New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

It really does sound as if he’s having an affair

No, because I wouldn't let it get that far.
Sadly, I find that a lot of MN posters seem very passive.

Just ask him. “So go on, who is she?” His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

So how would you manage an angry nasty husband?

Your son will sense your unhappiness and dad no matter how nice to your son, is not a roll model! Be strong say you can’t live like this but seek help before you do to have plan B if you can?

I tried that with my ex. He said he wasn't going to talk about stuff in public. I later spent ages writing it all down in a letter. He said he wasn't going to read that tosh.

It’s tough isn’t it. I had an abusive ex who (thank god) left me to “teach me a lesson” and told me he would be back when he was ready (spent the time apart at his mums being waited on hand and foot) I suggested meeting in a pub to talk everything through. He arrogantly assumed I’d be begging him to return but actually in those six weeks on my own with the kids I became significantly less anxious and depressed. So I sat down and told him it was over and I wanted a divorce. Had we been in the house I fear he would have become aggressive/ smashed things but in public he had little choice but to accept it. He obviously made things as difficult as possible for me but after that meeting I made sure I was never alone with him and I changed the locks.
Now twenty years later it feels like a blip on my past.

We're waiting, or do you only do supercilious comments....?

It never ever starts like this. Anyone who has been through narcissistic abuse will have whiplash from the sudden change in the person they married. It can also start immediately after the wedding. The most important factor to know is their behaviour is not rational as it's a recognised mental disorder, so attempting to resolve issues, as you would in a normal relationship does not work.

Op, you will be shell shocked and probably walking on egg shells to reduce conflict. I would warn you that your H will look to paint you as the bad guy to your child. Less of an issue when he's small but it could be very toxic when he is older.

Research information on abuse behaviours as I think you will have many light bulb moments.

What was his childhood like? Often his abusive behaviour stems from a similar upbringing however there also appears to be a genetic factor as not all children go on to repeat patterns.

Classic behaviour of a man who has another woman and wants to push you to end it with him so he can say it wasn't his fault. Suddenly nasty? Picking on everything you do? Guarding his phone with his life? It's textbook. Get your affairs in order, go see a solicitor and explain what's happening - luckily you're married so somewhat financially protected when you split. And I say when, not if, because even if he relents and asks for forgiveness what he has done is unforgivable and you'll never be able to trust him again.

Oh it is abusive behaviour regardless of causation, character or intention. And he should have one chance only to show full commitment to change (my guess is he won’t). But it’s a boundary, not ‘binning’ a husband. It’s about self worth and what you are willing to tolerate.

And on the note of trusting your judgement I disagree. This kind of abuse changes your wiring. It makes you doubt yourself. It stops you feeling and relying on your gut instinct. It’s like living in a shit version of the mad Hatters tea party. It erodes your self-worth and makes you believe it’s you that had the problem. So ‘LTB this is abuse’ is helpful feedback. It was for me.

Yes. It was horrific and my nervous system is fkd. He’s still doing over messages post separation. I gave him WAY too many chances to change. Spend too long trying to change myself and trying to understand him. I hope the OP gives him one chance and one chance only so she doesn’t end up like me.

Hi @Sillygirl1988 how are you? X

Yes @Sillygirl1988 how are you getting on? Hope you and your son are doing ok xxxx

Hopefully you’ll get offered the job and can move out.

I don't think I would have let it get as far as the OP did. For me, first, I'd push back, second, counseling, third, I'd leave.

Does he use drugs, more specifically cocaine as it sounds like coke rage whilst coming down.

Ah ok, right. So it's her fault. Got it.

That’s a nice thing to think about yourself. The trouble is that there’s always a first time when relationships turn abusive, and it’s very confusing and scary to see someone you’ve never seen before in the face of your partner. You have no idea what you’d do.

Yes me too but after a 30 year marriage.

I know. Comment from high above with no clue what its actually like.

Nobody gets into a relationship thinking they'll tolerate abuse.

It usually doesn't start with behaviour that makes you think, 'I need to leave.' It starts with something smaller, something out of character that you explain away. Then the next thing is only slightly worse, and then the next. By the time you reach the point where an outsider thinks, 'Why didn't they leave?', you've already had your boundaries slowly worn down.

If the behaviour the OP experienced had happened on day one, most people would have walked away. But that's rarely how abuse works. It's a gradual process of testing boundaries, manipulation, apologies and making you question your own judgement.

Saying 'I'd push back, then try counselling, then leave' assumes you're seeing the full picture from the start. In an abusive relationship, you usually aren't. That's why strong, confident people end up trapped too.

I’d have said exactly the same. But the love bombing, future faking, faked empathy, manipulation and gaslighting mess with your head. Honestly. I am doctorate level educated, work in a therapeutic arena, have DV training as mandatory. Now I’m out and haven’t seen him for a year I can see his pathology clearly, I can see the patterns, there are hard facts I can turn to if I doubt myself. But all it takes is a message from him telling me how awful I and I am back to ‘It was my fault, if I’d just XYZ…’. I can snap out of it quicker now but it literally has wired my brain.

Every word of this. Plus saying “I’d just push back” implies that you don’t have any fear of the stranger your partner has become. I push back on my DH if he slightly oversteps something I think is important. I can only do that because he isn’t abusive and I don’t have to be afraid of him.

You can always tell when someone has absolutely no clue about DV when they say stuff like "I would never let it get that far" or "I would just leave the first time it happened", as if somehow those of us that suffered are too stupid to have put a stop to it. The "first" time is NEVER the first time, there have always been hundreds of other "firsts" that have gradually increased over the years.

There is a thread on right now from a woman who didnt realise how badly she is being abused, and is asking for help, you can tell she doesnt quite still believe it.

Frankly its fucking insulting to us and embarrassing for the person who said it as it clearly shows their lack of knowledge.