New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Someone that respected you wouldn't treat you like that in the first place.

You need to talk. Could it be a health issue? Something stressing him? It's never ok to behave like that, but for someone to change drastically, there must be a reason.
I'd also sit down to plan finances with him, assuming from your post you don't just have one shared account, because I can understand he might think it's reasonable to have trainers, and not just on him to fix the oven-again only if you both get to have things like that, if he's always getting stuff and you never do, it's unfair.

OP it sounds horrific. And a lot like 'the script' for cheating men. But I wonder whether it could also be a writ-large version of the effect where men are sweetness and light until they've got you into bed and then go all weird?

Only that in this case, he's got you to the altar rather than the bed. He's 'bagged' you now, you're his wife, his quasi-property in the old-fashioned way of thinking, so now he feels entitled to show his shitty side. He reckons that he can make things difficult if you want to divorce, that he's got leverage. Could that be it?

At the end of the day I'm not sure it even matters. I admire your determination to not shout at him with your son near, but this is no way to live. At all. If it's really impossible to talk to him about it (and your reasoning about why it is impossible is very plausible), then I think you have to start to quietly plan your exit. Grey tock him and get divorce-ready. So sorry.

Everybody telling you there's another woman. But from what I've read it sounds like he is stressed about money. How are you both/he doing money-wise?

Being stressed, regarding the reason, doesn’t entitled ANYONE to become controlling and violent.

And even if this is the reason, what do you exiect tge OP to do? Become a martyr and take a second job at the weekend to ease his worries?

OP this is not unknown I'm afraid. The man you married just turns. It is awful and I understand this very well. I don't think there is a way out unless you leave. I'm sorry x

Obviously not, but where did it say there was voilence?

Usually I say get couple's counseling but in this case I think just start to plan getting rid of him.

Wait until your son is in bed and then speak to him. Your son may hear some shouting if your husband is explosive, but better that than living on eggshells the whole time.

Ask him why he's treating you so badly and say that you're not going to tolerate it. Either he starts treating you with courtesy and kindness, or you'll have to end the relationship.

You need to be this blunt @Sillygirl1988 . You deserve more and if a friend were in this situation, you'd be telling them not to tolerate it - so don't tolerate it yourself.

If she has to threaten him to treat her nicely it's already a bin fire. OP please just leave safely when you can.

I've got one a bit like this, although tbf he showed me who he was from the very beginning. He might not be as consistent as yours though from what you've said, but it's still horrible to be on the receiving end of. It took me a long time to realise that he can't help but project his guilt onto me - so if he's feeling guilty about something, and it can range from forgetting to pick something up from the supermarket for me, to cheating on me, he gets so angry with himself that he treats me horribly. He's not as bad as he used to be, after many years of either fighting back and having to be his psychologist or threatening to leave, but he's still got it in him occasionally. Tldr - could there be anythibg your husband is feeling guilty or maybe inedequate about? Not necessarily cheating.

Oh my goodness, he's done a real number on you hasn't he? He's doesn't feel one bit guilty for cheating on you btw. I hope you are able to realise your worth and dump the arsehole.

Na, I'm not daft, trust me :)
(I fully appreciate that 99.99% would think I am though!)

He wants you to end it even though he's constructively doing it via his emotionally abusive behaviour. Could be an OW, or could just not want to be there ... irrelevant as you don't need to put up with this shit.

Get advice about ending the relationship safely.

Hi op time to get out if he is seeing someone he will be using all his kindness on her either way the relationship is dead in the water you cannot live like this for the rest of your days. He doesn’t love you or respect you like others said this behaviour is so that he can feel less guilty even if it’s not someone else he’s a bully and got you trapped then shown you the real him. Get out before he starts hitting you. He’s a twat.

You say that you're not daft. I knew someone's husband like this. Last year she showed signs of mild cognitive decline. He's put her in a home and is tom catting again.

You need to make an appointment with a solicitor.

For one reason or another, your husband has completely devalued you and is now treating you with contempt, and has created an atmosphere of fear inside your own home. You do not feel.emotionally safe. He has broken the trust that keeps relationships going even through tough times.

It's a pattern that happens with narcissism, fwiw.

Please don't waste time figuring out the whys or wtfs here. You need to start planning a future without him, one in which your child won't be exposed to the abuse.

Do not do this.

OP, make your decision and make your plans quietly. Do not tip your hand when you're dealing with an angry abuser.

Unfortunately he may actually have started to hate you. Not because of anything you’ve done, but he is clearly angry and resentful. It absolutely could be another woman, or might just be insecurity or a feeling of being trapped. If he’s treating you like dirt, and you feel like you can’t talk about it, then the only real option is to end things. However, I’d at least attempt a conversation where you explain how you’re feeling and ask him if he’s okay. He sounds like he’ll blow up anyway, but at least using this approach rather than being accusatory might help soften things. Show concern for him, and ask what might be causing this, but also set your boundaries and explain that whatever is going on, his unkindness to you is not acceptable. If he can’t accept it and nothing changes, then start planning your way out. If you can snoop a bit and find out if there is someone else, that might help you. And talk to someone you know about it too, not just mumsnet. Don’t be embarrassed to tell your friends what is going on so that if you do leave, he can’t just claim to everyone that it “came out of nowhere”.

All this advice to discuss it is assuming he's a nice reasonable bloke. He obviously isn't. If he was she wouldn't behave like this in the first place. It's normal for steady people to sometimes be a bit grumpy or short but they'd have the awareness to own that straight away and apologise. OP back yourself, trust yourself and get the hell away from this bully.

@Sillygirl1988 OP, he's almost certainly found someone else. Possibly at the gym although erratic work hours could cover a multitude of sins. This is how it started with my husband. He suddenly turned really nasty, just as you describe. I couldn't do anything right, I mean any mortal thing! And things that had always made him laugh were suddenly very serious and I was unhinged for finding them funny. Cheating men behave like this because they're deflecting their own guilt. They're also convincing themselves that you really are the bitch from hell and deserve to be cheated on, or indeed left. I've learned that it is absolutely classic behaviour.

OP, I get your reluctance to talk - my (now Ex)DH used to get a face on and I'd stay quiet to avoid a row, arguments, his sulks etc. What he's doing. It's a way of control - he's controlling your emotions here. You "walking on eggshells" is of very great concern. If you are adapting your behaviours to avoid him kicking off then honestly, you can't stay quiet.

Looking back I wish I'd said - it feels as if you don't like me anymore. Wish I'd just up and asked. No drama, no accusations.

You do have options. Have a look a marriage counselling in your area, check what the waiting times for appointments for. That way if he seems contrite about his recent behaviour you have something of an action plan in place. If he goes to the sulks and tantrums then I truly feel your relationship is at an end - this is a horrible way to behave, it'll be a horrible atmosphere for your son to be raised in.

(In my case, yes, there was another woman. Also financial abuse - he'd run up thousands of £ of debt without me knowing - he handled the finances and transferred approx a third of my salary (paid into a joint account) to my single account for day-to-day stuff. I was freaking clueless).

Why are so many people saying it could be this, or it could be that...?!
Being verbally abusive to you day in and day out is abuse. There doesn't have to be any reason for it... maybe he is just an absolute prick. It could be any combo of things - jealousy of your potential new career, jealousy of your son taking your time and love, etc etc who knows. But you can't live walking on eggshells cos of some fragile man and his ego. You need to ditch him and be happy and free.

^^ Exactly this. My ex did this before we split. He suddenly started being rude, belittling, and just so very unkind. At first I put it down to work stress. I did everything I could to make his life relaxing and nice at home - and I was repaid with sneering and breathtaking nastiness. Eventually I found evidence of the OW and it all became clear.

Say nothing. Investigate, play it smart. Sort your finances. Get free legal advice.

I haven't got any advice I'm afraid,but I experienced something similar, although we'd been married 10 years when it happened. He was having an affair and all of a sudden,I couldn't do a thing right. He was nasty and bad tempered with me all the time. I realise now that he was trying to engineer a massive argument that would make him feel entitled to walk out.