New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

This. Either he thinks he's got you now and can do whatever he wants (he's choosing to be this way towards only you), or there's someone else but whatever the reason it's grotesque and totally unacceptable. Just because the marriage is recent does not mean you cannot end it. And if you feel scared of him please do that in whatever way feels best. He doesn't deserve decency. Don't keep his behaviour secret for him. It will be easier to leave if you're supported.

Could he be using some kind of drugs? That can totally change someone's personality

JFC

Get rid, you and your boy only have 1 life op

Abusive behaviours often escalate when the abuser thinks they have you trapped. Can’t do right for doing wrong. Classic. It only gets worse. If he thinks you’re leaving, he will be nicer for a while but he will revert to abuse ..he just feeds off destroying your self esteem. You don’t want your child growing up thinking that’s normal. If I were you, I’d leave.
I was you. I left . These guys are monsters and unfortunately, seem to be growing in number. They don’t change. You can’t go to therapy with them. All you can do is get ducks in a row and get out as soon as you can

This is it. You have power now. If that does bother him, then he has exposed himself for the misogynist that he is.
Even if it’s not, he is horrible

I see it differently. - “When you get quickly into rages and berate me, it makes me feel hurt and anxious. It impacts on my mental health. I need you to regulate your emotions so that this doesn’t happen. If it doesn’t change then we will need to separate.’ It’s a boundary and gives the other person a chance to work on themselves.

Exactly. Recently a friend of mine had some drinking problems, drinking wine daily from 10am while caring for a 12mth old baby. Rude to her husband, stressed and moody, but still somehow a functional mother. According to the lore on here he should have just bloody divorced her right?? Leave the bitch. But he didn't. He sat her down and said 'I don't like you when you are doing that'. And that made her get help and stop drinking. She is 10 months sober and their family is stronger than ever.

There could be a ton of reasons why he is acting this way. It is not okay. But you have a child together and are recently married. It's tempting to come on here and all these women tell you your husband is a monster, an abuser, leave him don't even speak to him you need to flee now!! Only YOU know whether you are safe so trust your own judgements but be realistic about whether you are also being avoidant and to what end. Sometimes a simple uncomfortable conversation can change alot.

I agree that communication is vital - in a healthy relationship.

If you aren't familiar with abuse through experience or training, I can half understand not seeing it in instances like this. I'm just assuming based on your posts you haven't, comparative to what myself and many others on the thread see.

You felt safe to confront husband. He didn't react badly from what you say. OP has clearly started she has tried to talk to hers, but his response is to get angry and claim she's starting a fight (talk about DARVO and projection). She also says he'll bring it up in front of their son, and doesn't want her son to hear shouting. That isn't normal.

He is being disrespectful, and taking her for granted, sure, but that's part of the abuse. This isn't someone being a bit sassy. He breaks the oven door then tells her to fix it herself, spends money on himself and puts the financial burden on her, meaning she has less money of her own or has to go without an oven for an unknown amount of time. So now making dinner changes, which she's insinuated is her responsibility, and when she does make dinner he kicks off she hasn't done it right. That isn't normal either.

He also kicks off over buying the wrong scourers. The wrong scourers?? That really isn't normal.

Once you see it, ladies...you really can't unsee.

Sounds horrific. God help you and your nervous system.

I wouldn’t rush to tell people to leave except in cases described like this. The turnaround after marriage. What he does/ says. Talking won’t help. He’ll use that against her. It’s narcissistic abuse. It always follows a pattern. Misogynistic, cruel, indifferent to her except to boost his self esteem by taking away hers.
Loving on the child..his disciple in the making. If she stays, she will teach the child his behaviour is normal.
it’s classic behaviour . I wasted 13 years, hoping if I tried harder, or just waited, things would go back to the way they were. I found out about why he was like that..I read and researched and it’s scary how many people find themselves living with the same behaviours. The unreasonable rages, the projecting, gaslighting etc. Better to get out quickly. She says she has great earning potential.
Talking does nothing except wind him up. He’d manipulate a therapist. In fact, therapists won’t take couples where one is abusive.

I hope she can get away. He’s turned it on hard and fast…the next stage could be physical violence. She needs support from family or even Women’s aid if there’s no one else. Talk to them. WA have seen this before and can certainly advise

He’s met someone else. Leave him asap.

He’ll resent you having improved your prospects. He needs to feel superior. He has low self esteem that he can’t deal with except by bringing you down. Walking on eggshells all the time is miserable way to live. He will ruin your life if you let him..he already has. I wish I hadn’t wasted 13 years on my H when he turned and his was a bit more gradual than yours. I’m old now..and realise how short life really is. I could have done so much, been happy instead of miserable for over a decade … It won’t get better. He doesn’t see he’s doing anything wrong. You’re wrong. In his eyes. It has to be you, it can’t be him. https://www.talkspace.com/mental-health/conditions/articles/narcissistic-abuse/

read up on it and see if anything resonates

Every time he criticises you just look him in the eye and tell him you'll do and buy what you want. ...and mean it. Stand your ground and tell him you won't be trampled on be putting up with any more of his hyper criticism. If he's not happy tell him he knows where the door is!
I'm so sorry OP. I used to have one of these nasty partners....:(

I'd be careful of fronting up to nasty bullies. It could escalate the situation and this won't be good if he has a tendency towards violence.

I don't think he will do that. It's gone way beyond sitting down with a counsellor. The man actively hates the OP.

This happened to me. My lovely husband just turned into a complete arse, seemingly overnight, shortly after marriage.

There was no other woman. I left him.

8 years down the line I have come to the conclusion that he deluded himself into thinking that marriage and kids was what he wanted. It wasn't and once he felt trapped he took it out on me.

I'll never really know the truth though.

The truth is he's not a decent person. That's it.

Well done for getting out @EarlofShrewsbury

He's having an affair.

😲 What happened subsequently?

OP - do you think that he thinks your appearance has changed since having children?

Many men don't tell the woman that they're with that they've unwittingly agreed to an invisible contract that the poor woman never knew she even signed.

That contract is - the woman should always be as sexually attractive and aesthetically pleasing to the man as the day he met her. If she has the audacity to age, or having a changing body due to children, she has broken a fundamental part of that contract.

It doesn't matter how unfair or unrealistic that sounds - this is the level on expectation those men have with regards to their female partners.

If they break that contract, those women will be met with neglect or nasty behaviour because those men are angry that something they prioritised above all else, something they feel entitled to, is no longer present in the way that it was. Those men feel like they can't actually say any of this out loud, so they will just take out their anger out on you.

From what you've described, it's important to recognise that although he's the father of your child, he is not on your side. He is behaving like your opponent, and once someone is not on your side, your marriage is effectively over, in my view. Watch your back!

Oh my God. That must have been such a head-fuck to deal with. Such betrayal.

Or he could just be cheating or nasty man.

There’s no honesty in men like him. Counselling as a couple is a waste of time. She needs women’s aid . A one on one .