New husband turned nasty within the space of months…wtf?

[Sillygirl1988]

I just want to get some perspective. I got married in October last year. We’ve been together 5 years. One son DS age 4. I don’t fully understand what’s happened but in the last 4 or so months my husband has got progressively nastier and nastier to me to the point I can’t really speak or engage with him because everything is just a dig at me. He’s just getting meaner and meaner and I don’t know why??

It’s hard to put into words but as an example, I only work a half day on Monday. I made a huge effort to go stock the fridge up, come home, clean up and pre cook everyone’s dinner ready. Knowing that my son had sports day and my husband was taking him and then staying for a picnic, I got lots of salady bits in - mini sausages, fruit, nice bread. He went mental and asked me “where the hell is the chicken and beef to actually cook a meal” and that I’d only been to work a few hours. . He broke the glass on the oven door a few weeks ago. I asked if he’d managed to order a replacement. He said he couldn’t afford it (he’s just spent over £100 on trainers) and if I’m so bothered I can replace it myself.

writing it all down seems outrageous he’s acting this way. Everything I do is wrong. I got the wrong bin bags. I pack the dishwasher wrong now. He’s lovely and sweet to our son but suddenly it’s like he hates me!! I had a really important interview for a new job. He didn’t even say good luck or how was it. I’m staring to avoid being around him. Not that I have to avoid his calls or texts. He stopped texting me and calling me in the day a few months ago. I don’t understand what I’m posting for really. I just can’t see why it’s gone downhill so fast.?!

Please be careful in how you approach him, the oven door incident sounds scary. If you can, gather as much evidence to see if there is an affair, without his knowledge.

I don't think confronting him will be safe unless you have a friend or relative with you as a witness.

Could it be he thought he would string you along all his life without a marriage, but you pushed for it? And he is sorry now??

If you’re worried about your DS hearing raised voices it can’t be only 4 months that he’s been this hostile & derogatory towards you OP. Because if it’s only been for 4 months you’d feel safe enough to talk to him about how he’s acting towards you without fear. I’m not questioning you btw - more wondering if he’s more aggressive than you realise & that you maybe keep the peace more than you realise. There are a lot of red flags in what you’ve said that point to infidelity or something amiss - even his lack of interest sex wise. The phone guarding (porn addiction?) & sudden making you the bad guy so he is blameless. But it equally could be any number of things. It doesn’t bode well that you can’t address anything with him which suggests there’s no emotional safety in the relationship. You could try a compassionate approach that you can see he’s stressed or something’s getting to him. Take you out of the equation & make it all about him & your love & concern for him - what’s up? Although if he can’t tolerate being vulnerable in any way this won’t work. And it’s a fine line between you being concerned for him & him feeling criticised. Personally I’d be doing this purely strategically as he doesn’t deserve to be the victim here. Just try & see what’s going on with him. Has anything changed for him work or other stress wise? Money issues or drugs? Does he have friendships out of your relationship & what are they like?

@mathanxiety I see your point if you think he might turn physically abusive.

I'm advising this because this is what my DH did when I was becoming verbally abusive and unreasonable due to untreated anxiety. He basically told me that either I changed/ got help or it was over. It shocked me into action. But I completely see your point.

He doesn't seem to like you very much op. His mask has slipped ,this is who he is . leave as soon as possible this will not get better

@Sillygirl1988
Dear reader you married him!
He was accepting of how things were but once he put that ring on your finger he was 'stuck' with you and resentment set in
There may even be now another woman
You can't do right for doing wrong
And it will get worse
Even physical because he'll not listen
Protect /defend yourself and child now
You can only divorce after 1 years marriage?
Lay foundations now

I agree with those saying to make an exit plan. Look at your finances and make sure you have money he can't access. Good luck.

Leave. And yes I know its easy for a stranger on a forum to just say this and not easy to do or maybe something you want to do but you have to. You know you do. It won't change or get better. These types of men only get worse. You have years of stress and misery trying to change them or avoid them. Kids end up miserable, mental health issues and just leave home as soon as they can and often wonder why you let them grow up with this. Find a way. Leave. Now

While you naturally want to know what’s making him like this, the sad truth is this is irrelevant. Whatever the cause, it’s not your job to fix him, and it’s not your role to be his emotional punchbag.

The bottom line is that his behaviour is unacceptable and you shouldn’t put up with it for a moment longer.

Did he actively want to get married, or was he reluctant? I wonder if he now feels trapped? Not suggesting he SHOULD feel like that BTW. Of course he should be over the moon to have you. But is it a possibility?

Agree !!

Its a MN cliche but LTB! Start making plans to leave. I doubt his behaviour is likely to improve, much more likely it will ramp up. Dont stick around and allow him to treat you and your son like this.

There's nothing to be done here op except to end the marriage and one of you leave, you must both be so miserablr

I agree with the above.
The whole thing about getting so angry he broke the oven door is a massive red flag. People smashing fixtures and fittings are liable to escalate to people .

Some have said confront him, but he's someone who accuses you of starting a fight when you do. You need to stay safe. Contact Women's aid for advice on how to do that. Make your plans quietly, so he can't scupper those too.
Don't tell too many friends just yet, just someone supportive that you trust implicitly.

The first thing that occured to me when I read this was DO NOT LET HIM SCUPPER YOUR JOB CHANCES. He sounds nasty enough to put a spoke inthe wheel if he can

Also

• the sudden change soon after the wedding died down.. perhaps he enjoyed all the attention and then after Christmas things were tight financially.
• Does he resent the cost of the wedding and feel like he's spent all this money and this is ti now... childish but it strikes me as a very "hard done by" attitude.
• Your career advancing as his remains static
• You going out with friends now your son is a bit more independent - instead of being at home all the time.

The guarding the phone is also a red flag.
There's something going on that you don't know about. Maybe an affair, but not necessarily, it could be gambling, drugs or debt.. but something he definitely doesn't want you to know about it, which means it doesn't bode well. He won't replace the oven door and wants you to pay for it shows you

• 1) he has no remorse for doing it That is an abusive pattern for sure.
• 2) its your problem, he's not going to deal with it or pay for it
• 3) which is a way of further punishing you. He knows it is upsetting to have a basic piece of equipment deliberately broken and it inconveniences you more than him, so its an ongoing reminder to you of what he is capable of when he gets angry. That's why he won't repair it. Its a power move to show you that he is the one who decides how things are run, not you.
• A normal person would have apologised by now and either organised the repair or offered to pay for it. He hasn't done either.. he's said "let her sort it out". He is too important and he's teaching you a lesson in that.

Where does marriage leave you financially.. Do you own, rent, mortgage? Did he move in with you? Do you have a decent pension or savings. Do you have family support? Does he?

Your best bet is to keep everything on a very quiet level setting whilst you get Women's Aid and Legal advice... then you can consider your options and what is best for you and your son. In many ways there is no point in tackling him and enduring more nasty ness or upsetting scenes for your son. He knows this, that's why he does it. But quietly find out your options is the best way to get control of the situation.

Yup! He's jealous and feeling belittled by your success, he's trying to show you he's still in control, despite you potentially being more successful

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles, I think u need to sit down with a counsellor, so you can both be honest in a safe space.

That is the same as saying the OP hasn't tried hard enough. As if she's driven him to these desperate measures and he's just crying out for rational conversation and mutual co-operation.

He isn't. And she can hardly go back in time to carry out your suggestion can she?

I really doubt that a "low key discussion" would stop someone from breaking the oven door in anger, and then refusing to pay for a repair and not apologising. He did that to frighten her.

His nasty secretive and dismissive behaviour is not a cry for help. It is entirely his choice.

Don't do this. These types of men just manipulate the counsellor.

You don't need to find evidence of an affair or drugs or anything. He is treating you appallingly and you deserve better. You're scared of him and worried about what he's going to do and say in front of your child so get advice and tell him you want a divorce. Things are too far gone to resolve. He clearly hates you.

There may not actually be somebody else, but there might be somebody else that they want to shag even if they’re not actually shagging them

100% agree this is a complete waste of money. Spend the money at the Hairdressers and down the pub instead.

Who cares why. Plenty of men turn nasty after they get the ring on their finger - no need to put on an act any more. He is abusive and that is no environment in which to raise a child. Start planning your exit.

DO NOT do counseling with an angry, abusive man.

No responsible counselor would take on a couple where one party is abusing the other anyway.

You need to sit down and afk him why to see how he reacts , if he is solely defensive then start looking for the possibility of OW . People don’t suddenly change for no reason .
It sounds awful so if it’s not fixable please don’t make your child grow up that way .

Yes to this.