The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Fabulous expression, your command of the lingo is to die for 😘😘😘

Sorry I missed this earlier but you'll see I didn't go.

Hope you're doing ok 😘

@Ilovelurchers does gemini keep a memory of your chat?

I actually think that losing a relationship a few months in case be the MOST painful time, weirdly, as you still have all kinds of hopes and dreams and preconceptions about them - still in the honeymoon phase to an extent - and it feels so frustrating that you don't get the actual chance to explore all the things you are hoping to......

A year or two in, you know them better and are likely to have a more honest grasp of their cons, as well as their pros, so it doesn't feel quite as gutting.....

That's a good question - I don't know for sure, as it's the first time I have used it like that..... I screen shortted the stuff I wanted to keep.

Although @Ilovelurchers planes showed his long list of cons early on.

I'm going to add year long affair when married and six points on his licence to the list (not moral judgement about the points, just two mistakes away from losing it).

Not Lurchers but yes - I have a ridiculously long one about Mr T plus other stuff but didn’t want to lose the texts already discussed - I since learned to start new chats for new subjects doh.
However, she can’t actually retrieve too far back I think although can link up most of the more recent stuff ok so it saves repeating yourself.
@Ilovelurchersmay be along shortly with better info.

@Nosdacariad sorry to hear this. I imagine he’s a very insecure person given the ED and UC so attempts to use attention from “meaningful friends” to make himself feel better.

i know it hurts but honestly this man won’t change and is pathetically immature.

You should block him so he doesn’t attempt to weasel his way back.

Definitely worth making a list, @Nosdacariad, of all his many cons. He doesn't seem to like women very much. The early stages of heartbreak are so awful. You know you have so much support here.

I am musing upon the importance of sex in the early stages of a relationship. Mr Physics ticks so so many boxes, except this. He is no way selfish or uncaring, he just lacks skill and perhaps a bit of understanding of how female bodies work. There is definitely intimacy and connection.

Is this a deal breaker? Obviously I want good sex, but I am not keen to throw out something that works in every other way over it. But then I worry that I am settling for second best, and that it is something that is likely to fester over time.

Are you able to communicate about it - like try to teach him something and see if he's willing and able to learn?

That might tell you if it's saveable.

Thanks @Betsy95

Watching his life is a bit like watching a slow mo car crash.

Just took younger daughter out for lunch but crashed now home and that comment is going to stay with me.

Having experienced really good sex, and finding it (if I am honest) one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer, I think poor sex would be a deal breaker for me.

I imagine that if I felt I had to show a man how to please me, that would make me lose attraction for him. I don't mind giving a few pointers as to what I specifically enjoy, but I wouldn't want to feel I was basically starting from scratch ....

Writing that down it does make me feel a bit shallow, though.

How many times have you had sex with Physics so far? It's definitely worth giving it a few goes, in case it's a confidence thing.

Also, does he seem to really enjoy sex, and be very attracted to you? For me that would be a big part of it, and sufficient enthusiasm would to a certain extent compensate for lack of skill..... (as long as he wasn't going at me like a bull in a china shop.... 😱.)

Are you able to discuss the sex? Has he said how he feels it is going?

@BellaBlackberry83 I'm in that exact predicament!!

Mr Hat is sweet, funny, kind... The list goes on. Totally emotionally available and all green flags so far. But he's not great in bed and not well endowed.

Mr Mullet isn't a bad human and I really do enjoy his company but has more red flags than Chinese bunting and is incredible in bed.

I wish I could combine them!

Thanks both for your thoughts. We've had sex twice, so it is still massively early days. He is clearly very attracted to me and very sensual.He doesn't really seem to understand that PIV isn't going to work for me by itself. It takes me a while to get confident enough to let go during sex, so in that sense it is a two way street.

I haven't discussed it, not because I don't think I can, but because I don't want to make him feel self-conscious in a way that would be counter productive.

I don't think you are at all shallow, @Ilovelurchers . I said in a previous message that life is too short for bad sex, and I mean it. The thing that is giving me pause for thought here is that in every other way (so far) we are a great match. I know all too well how rare that connection is to find.

I will need to tackle it one way or another - perhaps you are both right that discussion is the way forward, but I might give it a few more times first with some hints and tips along the way...

Hmm...maybe we could get Mr Mullet to do a seminar for Mr Hat and Mr Physics...

🤣🤣🤣 I think being a bit of a dickhead might be part of it!

Just coming back to this...so sorry to hear you felt you had to give up other things in your life to spend as much time with him as possible as you didn't feel secure.

Its good to recognise the negatives of the relationship, every relationship that ends teaches us lessons.

I think Planes taught you that when someone shows you their true colours early on you walk away rather than think he will change for you or he has already changed.
The red flags were there when he admitted to a year ling affair when married - what a way to treat someone.

I hope you can take the rest of the afternoon and evening to relax and just be.

Men love a bit of direction and if he's secure in himself he will be grateful for you being open and honest.

Whenever I've had 'new' sex with someone I always make it clear early on that I'm hard to please and don't orgasm easily......I think it serves 2 purposes, 1 is that I'm not making it about their failure and they can either try or just please themselves- if they please themselves only then they are not for me.
The 2nd thing it does is show openness and honesty and also that I'm not shy to talk about sex.
If you're able to have sex with someone you need to be able to be honest if its not working for you.

Next time there is talk of sex or after sex can you bring it up?

There's a thought 😈

Yes, and sort of worse was that he stayed in touch with the affair partner without his wife knowing.

If I were the wife my first comment would be about not seeing the AP again.

This is a genetic example of low emotional intelligence.
Why, when your wife has found out about your affair would you then keep in contact with her? Even if your wife doesnt tell you to stop contact you surely do out of respect.

No judgement but what made you continue with him after he told you this? Did he tell you he was a changed man and had therapy?

I wonder if on the surface he appears to show emotional intelligence but when the tough stuff starts he doesnt actually have it.

It was a drip feed, he admitted the affair a few weeks ago and said he fessed up to the wife. How he described her reaction didn't ring completely true. After hearing that I was going to dump him but somehow he made it better.

Then last week after a skinful he told me who it was (someone I knew he was in touch with) and I asked if the wife knew he was still in touch and the answer was no. That was Weds and he asked "am I sacked now?" joking and I said "yes" not joking. Then we were together the next day and I decided to end it after the hospital appointments (where he was texting two exes in the waiting room).
Then he somehow made it better again, cue the comment on my weight next morning and I did end it.

And...still I'm wondering WHY he didn't want to fix things between us - he implied he did and when I asked directly said no. Just as well though.

Because he's a dick @Nosdacariad. He's not a good person. You deserve SO much more.

I've just had a message from Village - very chatty, apologising for being quiet, saying he DOES definitely still want a second date.... But no suggestion of when!

Should I call it a day? As I really do feel like my time is being wasted here. How hard is it to look at your calendar, and know when you are free?

I know his daughter has fallen out with her mom, and he is trying to organise some kind of meeting between them to clear the air - a positive objective that speaks well of him - but does that plausibly mean he can't commit to any evening currently? His daughter is 16, and I suppose it's possible he doesn't like leaving her alone in the evening .....

I really don't know what to think.

Please help me out by telling me WHY he's not a good person?

My friend who knows the ex over the road said

I thought that was a shitty thing to say to you. So I was a little surprised when you said he was ‘a lovely guy’. Doesn’t seem a nice thing to say - and a little egotistical! But then I don’t know him!! But - he’s an ex of A's - that says more than anything!!
I don’t know - feel you dodged a bullet really……..
Xx