The Dating Thread 60 - Summer Fling!

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It’s disappointing a bit going out there and finding them meh. From your other posts I don’t think it’s worth a second one with him - they’re generally worse than the first in this situation IME.

BUT - you got out there - you got dates - it’s natural to then look back at someone who floated your boat, you had a good time with - but you forget all the carp about them too - Planes was carp but it just took a bit longer to notice as he (presumably) brushed his teeth!

You’re taking the steps - you’re doing great 💗

Welcome - some of us don't go to whatsapp until after first date.

Not sure if that would help here?

Thank you. Yes despite his comments about not being able to reach his bum, he never smelled bad!

No - absolutely nothing lol - he is a genuinely lovely person and I thought so straight off, and now I know him better I think he’s all round and more lovely across everything I know of him too.

I can’t even say his texting - that gives me a bit of anxiety at times puts me off - it’s just our comms and anyhow he’s trying harder and I’m chilling more as I learn he means what he says on there and in person it’s still more than amazing anyway.

I doubt I’ve been in this position before so it’s odd - as well as good!

😳 Ugh 🤢- that must be an ick to add to the list!!!

Good and long may that continue!

🥂🎉🎊🥳🪅

haha, Will know for the next time. He actually suggested it. Anyway, had a brainwave and deleted the message he didn’t bother opening, not going to block him simply because I curious if he will mention the deleted message.

Yes - along with spending forever on the loo in our hotel room with the door open watching videos which is apparently a medical necessity.

Well that just put me off my tea ha! From here, from behind a screen, without knowing him! I was gonna say he must have a big dick - but I realised that he can’t adequately use it whatever size it is.

If you ever forget this ick list at least there is this thread to remind you!

Sent Tony from Tinder a thanks but no thanks message. He’ll only come back for beer and benefits and I can do better. And as suggested he is probably not as safe as I need. PMj says Suit wants to see her again, AND ME. I’m not sure if that’s a double date with number 4, or he wants a woman on each arm. I have said ‘we’ll see’. I don’t think much developed between them as he was ultimately afraid of dishevelling an immaculate Korean. I might have a meet with OlderMan who I had a coffee and ciabatta with in the Members Room at the British Museum (I ooze class…) but don’t think anything long term would result from an entanglement with a clear age difference, though it might lead to some fun summer times while seeking other options. Am having a mull.

Not especially big or functional!
Sorry about the tea - who thinks I've known this woman 8 weeks, she must want to hear me poo?!

You may want to think about the safety aspect of giving them your address early on?

Lol lol - not so many I hope- that’s obviously another plus point for Mr T tgat id not even considered ha, but then again neither Mr Situationship nor Mr Big Player exes ever thought I might wish to hear that - even after years - I am clearly at least blessed with that aspect of my fellas - if not a lot more lol.

Perhaps that’s why his women morph into a sideline harem - they like him - but not that much!

>You may want to think about the safety aspect of giving them your address early on?

Agreed, I think it was his manoeuvre to pick 'going to a bar' but not intend to. But then after 2 or 3 dates where ARE you going? Get a room? My peers think I am odd for not considering anything sexual until at least date 3.

I couldn't agree more with this advice. It's a shame that we have to be so careful, but it's the world we live in....

About a year ago, I had a brief foray into OLD and stupidly invited a younger guy over to meet at mine for a first date (I honestly can't understand what I was thinking, looking back).

As the chat continued he revealed some INCEL vibes, so of course I cancelled. He was extremely verbally abusive!

A month or so after this, I was sitting having a coffee on the green outside my flat, when a guy walked past with his bulldog and greeted me quite aggressively by my first name - I am 95% certain it was this guy. I ignored him and he left, but the whole thing made me quite nervous for months afterwards.

Fortunately I hadn't given him my exact address, but I had told him the street name, and that I lived in a flat, and my building is the only one with flats on my street.... It wouldn't take a genius ....

Going forward, I wouldn't reveal my address until a good few dates in - obviously you can never 100% make yourself safe - but you can stack the odds in your favour. We shouldn't have to think like this, and I hate the fact that we do...... But we do!

This is one of the reasons why I unmatch when if it turns out that the guy isn't in a situation to easily invite me back to his place - like the guy living with his mom who I cut loose today.

I know there are risks attached to going back to theirs too - I would minimise this by telling a couple of friends where I was going, who I was with and what I was doing,(and making sure the guy knows I have shared this info),
and sending a proof of life text afterwards.

At least if he doesn't know where I live, he will have a harder time waging a war or persecution if I decide to end things for any reason. (I have an ex of many years who after we spilt used to turn up shit-faced and crying at my house, in an attempt to force me to let him stay over because he knew I wouldn't want him to drive home
drunk - he was a proper ex so there was no way around that, but I have known friends have similar experiences with guys they were only casually dating, too).

I don't know how old you are - if you are quite young I realise this may be harder, as perhaps you are at an age when it's not reasonable to expect the guys you date to be living independently? But at 47, I think it's a reasonable expectation to have ....

It can be genuinely terrifying, and honestly, gut instinct to cancel probably saved a much worse situation in the situation you describe @Ilovelurchers This highlights the massive asymmetry of risk in dating. Men worry about awkward silences, women worry about being stalked or assaulted. The Incel subculture makes it even scarier. Tony wasn’t any of these things, he was a pretty bore and fled.

For a woman who actually likes sex and wants to pursue it safely: keep your location vague at first, meet in public first, and trust that ick feeling immediately. It ruins the spontaneity, sure, but getting vetted is better than getting victimized. Prioritising safety over politeness is the only move. HOWEVER, at the point you move forward, WHERE do things happen? I’d on balance rather it not be his place @Ilovelurchers because I know where my stuff is if I reach for it and have a location with guaranteed hygiene and tidiness. I also feel safe here and can tell a friend someone is coming over (PMj knew in this instance). Interesting.

I'm 29.

Fuck that shit. Do what you want only when you want to 🧡💚🧡

One of planes' disadvantages, renting a room...

LenaFromTheNineties I had a date similar to yours many years ago! My mum set us up, she had known him for years, I'd seen him to say 'Hi' to so I was alright with him picking me up... He was 3 & a half hours late. When I called & text him he said that he was 'Now coming'... He turned up & I snapped 'Well it's too late to go for a drink or anything now.' Not noticing the bag in his hand, he said 'Its ok, I got these, I was just going to come in'

So he walked past me & I'm thinking 'WTF'? He's sat on my sofa with his 4 pack of beers & bag of crisps. He offers me a beer & 'a' crisp. I sit there & say nothing really. He promises that 'Next time' will be better. Then he said 'So what time does that corner shop shut? Do you want to carry this on? If you've got some money, I can go & get some wine.'

I just said 'No. It's time for you to go'.

Ugh.

Maybe it was the same guy

@NervesOfCotton what did your Mum say? 😱

Nosdacariad I'm glad that it wasn't a total disaster. Shame though!

Ilovelurchers I used to speak to loads of them who said they were back home caring for a parent. It would generally include the fact that they had very little time to date & did in fact expect me to sit at theirs for our dates (& likely help)

I do have sympathy with these situations but just, no.

Well I actually did give him a second chance (I know!) because she was so insistent that it wasn't like him. She spoke to him & he told her that he was sick with nerves at meeting me so he got himself into a state about the date basically & that's why he was late...

Second date though, he turned up (at the bar, at my insistence!) completely wasted already then threw a massive strop when I wouldn't buy him an alcoholic drink (I offered him a soft drink) I left the bar, mortified, with him ranting behind me. I sat on a bench & called my mum, who came with her male friend to pick me up & we left him on the bench, moaning about how horrible I am! (I was in my early 20's but I was feeling quite upset after being shouted at by him)

She STILL tried to insist that he's normally a nice guy, but I was so done by that point.

@NervesOfCotton @Ilovelurchers I am wondering if I can start handing out a questionnaire about basic adult independence?
Over 50 not much to ask that people have basic adult independence, surely?

I've had a lovely afternoon, which has really made me reflect.

First of all, my daughter's dad very kindly helped us out massively by collecting a massive second hand fish tank we have bought and carrying it up to our second floor flat, all uncomplainingly. (Though a shit husband, he is an excellent co-parent and seems to see it as part of his responsibility to help me with anything I might need a man's physical strength for, various DIY things and similar, as I am now single).

And my FWB is over now and we have just had mind-blowing sex - the physical connection between us is really like nothing else I have ever known before - and he's such relaxing company, I am cooking for him now and we will have a chilled, lovely quiet evening together.

And it has all just made me think, I really do not NEED a partner - the life I have now is pretty bloody brilliant in so many ways.

That doesn't mean I want to stop dating - but I really want to date with the mindset that I can be suoer-selective, because to be an improvement on the life I already have, the guy will have to be something really special.....

Having said that, Mr Comedy has messaged and offered to drive me to a really nice part of our city for dinner on Tuesday evening - he is making such an effort, bless him - despite his slightly dubious living situation, I really do want to give him a chance. I know he rents from his landlady - that's potentially ok - I am just not clear whether it's a room in her house, and they share living space, or a separate self contained apartment. The latter would be fine, the former I think would make me feel awkward. (Plus, I think I want someone financially secure enough to at least afford to rent an apartment of his own. I am not a god digger by any stretch, but nor do I want to acquire a dependant.....)