Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

It seems to me, @mummy917, from what I have read here, it would be in your own best interests to start the divorce proceedings and thereby be in control, no matter the cost now, it may well save you a great deal in future. @INeedAnotherName’s post is most helpful, especially: "Oh, and whoever starts the divorce has control over every part including holding back on the absolute until the finances are signed off. Sometimes that control is worth the £600 fee."
Good luck to you, I’m afraid you’re going to need it, and a massive backbone, to keep dealing with such a There We Are Then.

I will be sorting out the divorce tomorrow and paying the fee. I am in total agreement that it is an investment and the cost will ultimately be priceless down the line.

Yes I do fear I’m going to need all the luck I can get too 😩🥴 however the feeling that I’m finally taking back control of my own bloody life is a great feeling, and one I didn’t think I would ever get at one point.

Good for you op you can’t hang around for him to step up. He’s a waste of space.

When I look back now, I feel foolish for letting him make all the decisions and dance to his tune when he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to continue with our marriage. I wish I’d had the strength to show him the door there and then. Ah hindsight eh?

Don’t beat yourself up, so many of us have been there! And at least you can look back and know that you did try. If you’d booted him out there and then you might have looked back and wondered if it could have been different. Now you’re in no doubt! You’re doing great!

Hi op but you loved him and your family unit you didn’t want throw that away. he’s the loser. Op by taking the lead with the divorce you are taking back control and you are so much stronger than you were at part 1 so give yourself credit kids first that is what stands out to me the twat is unbelievably selfish.

I may have missed it but did he take them out for something to eat this evening ?

I know, I can always look back and say I tried everything to save our marriage. He did absolutely nothing and made zero effort to try and get it back on track, because he didn’t want to. Yeah the kids will always be at the centre of everything for me. And I’m glad I can always say that too.

@Woodfiresareamazing2 “welcome to FAFO, Twattoo” - glorious.

@mummy917 I have no advice but plenty of hugs for you. You are an absolute warrior. ❤️

He’s an idiot, I suspect underneath it all he even knows he’s an idiot. Unfortunately he’s either always been, or has become extremely selfish and is obviously having a midlife crisis.

Once you are ready I’m sure they’ll be someone lovely out there for you. You come across as such a kind and compassionate person and you’ll meet someone special. At that point I’m pretty sure Twattoo, The Mattress Lothario, will do pretty much whatever he can to try and sabotage it as he’ll be jealous. But by then you won’t give him a second thought, you’ll realise how much better your life is without him.

Good things are out there for you ☺️

Don't be so hard on yourself, you did what you thought was right at the time. Now he has shown his true colours, you can set out very clear boundaries with him. If he attempts to wriggle out of his moral and financial obligations don't hesitate to escalate via your solicitor.

What a piece of work the OP is having to deal with. But I would strongly suspect he's worked out the logic. The four DCs have two homes so eight mattresses are now required. The four mattresses already in existence are joint property. So he could have taken two mattresses from the OP's home, so each parent would then have had to buy two more (to provide four in each of the DCs' homes). He's manoeuvred the OP: OP has not only got left with all the old mattresses, she paid for all four new ones. It should have been 2 old/2 new for each household's budget. I really urge OP to split everything as fast as you can: he'll do this again! (And I don't see how you'll get your money back for all four mattresses: a 50/50 division of children's necessities would have meant you'd have bought two in that scenario). Be icy cold about this: i expect it would help to get a friend round to help you split everything. This man is nasty and will use this manoeuvre again.

Oh no not at all. You wouldn’t be human if your first response was ‘lol, fine by me’ you have history with him, he’s the father of your kids. He literally blindsided you. What you’re going through is massive and I’m in awe of how you’ve handled it, you are so strong and dignified.

I genuinely don’t think he will ever think he was part of our marriage breakdown or that he held any fault in it.

I offered him to split everything in the house 50/50 when he first told me he’d found somewhere to live, before he moved out, but he only picked certain things he wished to take with him and said he would buy the rest of the things he needed. He also said mattresses for the kids were the main priority, alongside a fridge freezer which I thought was sensible and reasonable. I also went into this split blind and when he said he’d buy the stuff he didn’t take with him, I stupidly believed him but quickly learned where his priorities actually lay. If I could go back and re-do it, I’d ensure he took 50% of everything.

Thank you 🥹 I could never put into words how grateful I am for everyone’s lovely words of support and encouragement xx

Well, it's clearly not you who is controlling! Maybe make a list of all the unwanted things he has unilaterally foisted on to you...

I bet he sorted a mattress for himself though pretty sharpish. He comes across as incredibly self centred and just not a nice person. You deserve so much better.

I hope he’s left you alone today/tonight and you’ve had a more peaceful evening.

It really has been the best of MN on your threads, @mummy917 .

It's lovely to be a part of this community, and to know that it has helped you so much.

You have handled all of this as well as anyone could.

We all think that we could or should have done certain things differently, but the truth is we all do the best we can in the moment.

When your DC are older and they ask about the divorce, you can honestly say that you acted with honour and with their best interests at heart all the way through.

You're a great mum, OP. 🌺

This.

It is hard not to beat yourself up but if you’re a nice person you just try and see the good in people. When I look back and thing about all the big massive red flags I ignored I can’t understand what I was thinking but it’s in the past now, just have to try to make the best of the future now.

Don’t forget how totally floored you feel, when someone pulls the rug like that (having been there myself). You need time to process it all

Just catching up on the thread now. Honestly, there is no end to the lengths some of these 'men' will go is there. Let him have the mattresses but learn from this. When people show you who they are, believe them. Or my personal favourite, 'if it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck then its a duck (or a twattish ex husband!)

I’m sure a time will come when his unpleasantness will come home to roost, especially as this has now made you determined to be ruthless in doing what is best for you and the children. Your nature would also make you consider him in a way he doesn’t consider you, so all he had to do was handle this all better.

When that time comes you can tell him he’s made his beds and now he has to lie in them it 😂

I have definitely learned the hard way throughout all of this, that when people show you who they are, believe them. It might’ve taken me a while as the person now is unrecognisable from the one I married, however I am taking him at complete face value now.

I am seeing things more clearly now and see the things other people said they saw in him from the start.

I am content in the fact that I have hand on heart put the kids first in every situation throughout all of this and that’s something I can always hold onto.

Op, keep remembering that any parent who will not provide their child with the basic human need of a bed is a cunt.

I'm many years on from what you are going through, am now a grandmother to a fantastic boy, my dd is a happily married woman with a lovely home and family, I have been married to a wonderful man for 25 years. Op, you are in the thick of it but truly, life moves on and you have the strength to make yours and your children's future happy and secure.

He on the other hand will always have that part of brain the will remind him that he blew up his family, he won't admit it, but he'll know!