Husband said he wants to spilt up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 3

[mummy917]

Just another follow on thread from the last 2 😊

@mummy917 I’m sorry, I thought he was having them Wednesday and Thursday nights and then every other weekend. So he’s not even prepared to start the 50/50 yet then?

He’s agreed to that but as from next week. I personally think it’s so he can have another full week off 🙄 but from next week he will be having them the 5 days straight so I’m enjoying the time with them until they go to his next week.

I thought I’d said it was effective from next week but I mustn’t have, my mistake.

You can do most of the divorce yourself. Just a reminder (for anyone) that divorce is split into three parts: the admin part (dissolution of the marriage, think decree nisi and absolute in old terms); the financials (splitting of assets); and children. There are four ways to do this: mutual agreement; mediation; solicitor; court/judge. A judge prefers to see that mediation has been tried first except in DA situations.

The admin side is all online and is mainly a tickbox exercise and requires zero solicitor input. Only thing to remember is NOT to request the Final Order (decree absolute) until the financials have been signed off by the courts. Never, ever do this. There is a 20 week cooling off period once you apply to the courts. Use those 5 months to collect financial information.

The Children part can be done between yourselves or mediation unless one of you is abusive or just a twat who likes messing their ex around for shits and giggles (OPs ex is one). A solicitor might be needed but definitely get mediation involved first. And a court approved app for communication. These apps prevent messages from being deleted or lost so his twattery will be there, loud and proud, for a judge to see.

The Financials are best done via a solicitor unless you've both had a consultation with one to find out your rights and future needs, and are fully supportive of each other especially where children are concerned. Too many women give away their right to a share of his pension thinking it is a similar worth to theirs. Until you've had the CETVs back you won't know and most women are very surprised that men's pensions are worth more generally speaking. Even if they haven't gone part time, or taken full maternity, the gender pay gap is a very real thing and does affect pension worth. Download Form E from gov.uk as you will both have to fill one each. It's a very large form but most won't be applicable, however it does taken time. Sending off for CETVs can take months.

Sorry OP if you already knew but there could be others posting/lurking who might not. Oh, and whoever starts the divorce has control over every part including holding back on the absolute until the finances are signed off. Sometimes that control is worth the £600 fee.

You may have said it, I probably missed it. I’m glad you’ve got a week to sneak in lots of extra cuddles and fun. I imagine you’ll find 5 solid days without them very hard and they’ll miss you too. I very much doubt he’ll cope with 5 nights with them either. My guess is very quickly he’ll drop to EOW or drift away completely.

@mummy917

He said he may take them out for their tea tomorrow but who knows.

This is a thing my BFF used to absolutely hate. Her vile Ex would 'promise' their son that he'd see him on X day or that 'next time' they'd do Y thing. And then he'd never show and she was left to manage her son's devastation. He's now in his 30s and she says she can still see him in her mind's eye sitting on the steps waiting for hours for that bastard to show up.

She tried to get her Ex to simply stop making promises and he basically told her to fuck off. All she could do was not tell the child if her Ex told her of 'plans' directly and respond to her child's excitement about plans he knew about with "We'll see, sweetie".

Oh that’s awful 😩 luckily this is only something he’s said to me and not the kids and I haven’t told them, just incase he does the same. If he does show up, they’ll see it as an exciting little treat.

I have started to put things in place for returning to work at the end of the month also, another conversation I will be having with him in the next week or so.

Change his name in your phone to Matt. To make you remember about the mattresses.

Plus it rhymes with twat.

This is fantastic advice, @INeedAnotherName . I wish I'd had that going in to my divorce, although my exH was EXCEPTIONALLY difficult.
[Even the admin woman at Pickfords Removals let slip that he was the most difficult customer she'd ever dealt with].

The crucial bit for me is that whoever files for divorce controls the process. I think I mentioned that on a previous post, but there's been lots of posters things get lost!

If I were you I would be filing asap, it's so worth the fee.

And won't he be pissed off that YOU are divorcing HIM, especially when he realises that it gives you control over the process!

Welcome to FAFO, Twattoo.

I've not posted before but have followed along since you started posting - you are doing great.

I just wanted to pick up on the post that someone made about the parts of a divorce - I wanted to reiterate that you need a financial consent order even if you dont have a lot of assets right now, a consent order stops any future claim against you.
Imagine you saving and buying a house and him continuing his spendaholic ways and in 10 years coming after your house....
When my husband and I divorced we walked away with what we had but I got a financial consent order as he is a spendaholic and I knew I wanted to buy a house in the future and was worried he would come for it.

Whilst to us he will forever be Twattoo, The Mattress Lothario, you never know, his name may actually be Matt 😂🤣

Excellent advice - thank you so much for taking the time to summarise this very important information!!

Also very important information.

I remember a woman posting here some time ago who was in exactly this situation and it was a total mess.

Hahaha I can confirm his name is not Matt 🤣 how funny if it was though!

Yes a financial consent order is something I am putting in place, to protect myself and the kids for whenever he decides he fancies being an arsehole.

Damn it, that would have given you a right giggle if his name had actually been Matt 😂🤣. You’d never have been able to say his name with a straight face again. One day I hope you slip up and call him Twattoo to his face, that would be hilarious and he so deserves it.

I told him last night that I find it quite embarrassing the way he’s handled this and I feel shame for him. Funnily enough he didn’t like that either.

Oh, that was a truly brilliant response @mummy917.

You might be surprised - my lovely in-laws made sure to always take my children’s’ side however inconvenient for us as parents and I remain grateful to them for that.

Hi @mummy917
I have been following your threads as am in a similar situation...
Ex dh moved out about 18mths ago and hasn't ever had our 2 kids overnight or even round for tea. He'll take them out for meals and things but it's always pretty short lived. He likes to "pop in" and see them, which I'm pretty sure is just his way of exerting a last bit of control.
He also refuses to contribute financially sometimes sporadically....we had an informal agreement where he paid half of all kid related essentials...food shopping, clubs, uniform etc, but he has recently just stopped paying it. He's self employed so I dont think child maintenance is my best move.
We're just waiting for pension statements to get started on divorce proceedings.
Kids are young teens so it's slightly different.
But just wanted to say I totally feel for you and am trying to do as you are....keep calm, rise above, claim the moral high ground!

What on earth is he thinking, refusing to pay for the mattresses? I don’t understand what he thinks he has to gain from pissing you off so much. Surely he’s shooting himself in the foot, as he would be better off keeping you amenable to helping out with providing bits and bobs, which I’m sure you won’t be doing now…

This is so helpful to many on here. Many thanks. 💐

Keep this act in the back of your mind. Next time when he has to pay something then asks you for half, remind him he didn't pay you back for the mattresses and he can take the money out of that.

I think you're giving him too much credit for thinking ahead. He was enjoying telling OP no like a child.

Irritating though he is, I think the poster cautioning you to split everything evenly between the two households has it right. Otherwise it does muddy the waters for later.

Set against that, the mattresses might seem less expensive anyway -- though I'd be really pissed off with his childish attitude.

Oh, and whoever starts the divorce has control over every part including holding back on the absolute until the finances are signed off. Sometimes that control is worth the £600 fee.

@mummy917 did you see what @INeedAnotherName said?

Definitely you should start the divorce and pay the fee, not him.

He does seem really childish. I’m picturing him as a ginger freckled schoolboy in shorts, perhaps with a catapult.

Just to add -- I'd split the kids' clothes, toys, plates, books, tech, sippy mugs etc now as they're going to grow out of it all before you blink anyhow.

Then it'll be on him to declutter it later.😁